Warner and I seem to have reached some kind of understanding. A civil, oddly formal relationship that balances precariously between friendship and something else that has never been defined.
I can’t say I enjoy it.
Adam doesn’t interfere, however, when James speaks to Warner, and Kenji told me it’s because Adam doesn’t want to traumatize James by giving him a reason to be afraid of living here.
Which means James is constantly talking to Warner.
He’s a curious kid, and Warner is so naturally private that he’s the most obvious target for James’s questions. Their exchanges are always entertaining for all of us. James is thoroughly unapologetic, and bolder than most anyone would ever be when talking to Warner.
It’s kind of cute, actually.
Other than that, everyone has been progressing well. Brendan and Winston are back to perfect, Castle is in better spirits every day, and Lily is a self-sufficient kind of girl who doesn’t need much to be entertained—though she and Ian seem to have found a sort of solace in each other’s company.
I suppose it makes sense that this kind of isolation would bring people together.
Like Adam and Alia.
He’s been spending a lot of time with her lately, and I don’t know what that means; it might be nothing more than friendship. But for most of the time I’ve been down in the training room, I’ve seen him sitting next her, just watching her sketch, asking the occasional question.
She’s always blushing.
In some ways, she reminds me a lot of how I used to be.
I adore Alia, but sometimes watching them together makes me wonder if this is what Adam’s always wanted. A sweet, quiet, gentle girl. Someone who would compensate for all the roughness he’s seen in his life. He said that to me once, I remember. He said he loved that about me. That I was so good. So sweet. That I was the only good thing left in this world.
I think I always knew that wasn’t true.
Maybe he’s starting to see it, too.
FORTY-SIX
“I have to visit my mother today.”
These are the seven words that begin our morning.
Warner has just walked out of his office, his hair a golden mess around his head, his eyes so green and so simultaneously transparent that they defy true description. He hasn’t bothered to button his rumpled shirt and his slacks are unbelted and hanging low on his waist. He looks completely disoriented. I don’t think he’s slept all night and I want so desperately to know what’s been happening in his life but I know it’s not my place to ask. Worse still, I know he wouldn’t even tell me if I did.
There’s no level of intimacy between us anymore.
Everything was moving so quickly between us and then it halted to a complete stop. All those thoughts and feelings and emotions frozen in place. And now I’m so afraid that if I make the wrong move, everything will break.
But I miss him.
He stands in front of me every day and I train with him and work alongside him like a colleague and it’s not enough for me anymore. I miss our easy conversations, his open smiles, the way he always used to meet my eyes.
I miss him.
And I need to talk to him, but I don’t know how. Or when. Or what to say.
Coward.
“Why today . . . ?” I ask tentatively. “Did something happen?”
Warner says nothing for a long time, just stares at the wall. “Today is her birthday.”
“Oh,” I whisper, heart breaking.
“You wanted to practice outdoors,” he says, still staring straight ahead. “With Kenji. I can take you with me when I leave, as long as he promises to keep you invisible. I’ll drop you off somewhere on unregulated territory and pick you up when I’m heading back. Will that be all right?”
“Yes.”
He says nothing else, but his eyes are wild and unfocused. He’s looking at the wall like it might be a window.
“Aaron?”
“Yes, love.”
“Are you scared?”
He takes a tight breath. Exhales it slowly.
“I never know what to expect when I visit her,” he says quietly. “She’s different each time. Sometimes she’s so drugged up she doesn’t even move. Sometimes her eyes are open and she just stares at the ceiling. Sometimes,” he says, “she’s completely hysterical.”
My heart twists.
“It’s good that you still visit her,” I say to him. “You know that, right?”
“Is it?” He laughs a strange, nervous sort of laugh. “Sometimes I’m not so sure.”
“Yes. It is.”
“How can you know?” He looks at me now, looks at me as though he’s almost afraid to hear the answer.
“Because if she can tell, for even a second, that you’re in the room with her, you’ve given her an extraordinary gift. She is not gone completely,” I tell him. “She knows. Even if it’s not all the time, and even if she can’t show it. She knows you’ve been there. And I know it must mean so much to her.”
He takes in another shaky breath. He’s staring at the ceiling now. “That is a very nice thing to say.”
“I really mean it.”
“I know,” he says. “I know you do.”
I look at him a little longer, wondering if there’s ever an appropriate time to ask questions about his mother. But there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to ask. So I do.
“She gave you that ring, didn’t she?”
Warner goes still. I think I can hear his heart racing from here. “What?”
I walk up to him and take his left hand. “This one,” I say, pointing to the jade ring he’s always worn on his left pinkie finger. He never takes it off. Not to shower. Not to sleep. Not ever.
He nods, so slowly.
“But . . . you don’t like to talk about it,” I say, remembering the last time I asked him about his ring.
I count exactly ten seconds before he speaks again.
“I was never allowed,” he says very, very quietly, “to receive presents. From anyone. My father hated the idea of presents. He hated birthday parties and holidays. He never let anyone give anything to me, and especially not my mother. He said that accepting gifts would make me weak. He thought they would encourage me to rely on the charity of others.
“But we were hiding one day,” he says. “My mother and I.” His eyes are up, off, lost in another place. He might not be talking to me at all. “It was my sixth birthday and she was trying to hide me. Because she knew what he wanted to do to me.” He blinks. His voice is a whisper, half dead of emotion. “I remember her hands were shaking,” he says. “I remember because I kept looking at her hands. Because she was holding mine to her chest. And she was wearing this ring.” He quiets, remembering. “I’d never seen much jewelry in my life. I didn’t know what it was, exactly. But she saw me staring and she wanted to distract me,” he says. “She wanted to keep me entertained.”
My stomach is threatening to be sick.
“So she told me a story. A story about a boy who was born with very green eyes, and the man who was so captivated by their color that he searched the world for a stone in exactly the same shade.” His voice is fading now, falling into whispers so quiet I can hardly hear him. “She said the boy was me. That this ring was made from that very same stone, and that the man had given it to her, hoping one day she’d be able to give it to me. It was his gift, she said, for my birthday.” He stops. Breathes. “And then she took it off, slipped it on my index finger, and said, ‘If you hide your heart, he will never be able to take it from you.’”
He looks toward the wall.
“It’s the only gift,” he says, “anyone has ever given to me.”
My tears fall backward, burning as they singe their way down my throat.
FORTY-SEVEN
I feel strange, all day.
I feel off, somehow. Kenji is thrilled to be getting off base, excited about testing my strength in new places, and everyone else is jealous th
at we get to leave. So I should be happy. I should be eager.
But I feel strange.
My head is in a weird place, and I think it’s because I haven’t been able to shake Warner’s story from my mind. I can’t stop trying to imagine him as he was. As a small, terrified child.
No one knows where he’s headed today. No one knows the depth of it. And he does nothing to betray how he’s really feeling. He’s been as calm as ever, controlled and careful in his words, his actions.
Kenji and I are meeting him again in just a moment.
We’re slipping through the door in the gun wall, and I’m finally able to see firsthand how Warner sneaked them inside. We’re crossing through a shooting range.
There are gun stations and little cubicles with targets set hundreds of feet away, and right now, the entire place is deserted. This must be another one of Warner’s practice rooms.
There’s a door at the end of the walkway, and Kenji pushes it open. He doesn’t need to touch me at all anymore in order to keep me invisible, and it’s so much more convenient this way. We can move freely as long as I’m within fifty feet of him, which gives us the flexibility we need to be able to work outside today.
We’re now on the other side of the door.
Standing in an enormous storage facility.
The space is at least five hundred feet across, and maybe twice as high. I’ve never seen more boxes in my entire life. I have no idea what they contain, and no time to wonder.
Kenji is pulling me through the maze.
We sidestep boxes of all different sizes, careful not to trip over electrical cords and the machinery used to move the heavier items. There are rows and rows and more rows divided into even more rows that house everything in very organized sections. I notice there are labels on every shelf and in all the aisles, but I can’t get close enough to read them.
When we finally make it to the end of the storage room, there are two huge, fifty-foot doors that lead to the exit. This is clearly a loading zone for trucks and tanks. Kenji grabs my arm and keeps me close as we pass several guards stationed by the exit. We dart through the trucks parked all around the loading zone, until we finally get to the meeting point where we’re supposed to find Warner.
I wish Kenji could’ve been around to make me invisible when I first tried to get on and off base. It would’ve been so nice to just walk out like a human being, instead of being carted through the halls, jolting and teetering and clinging to the legs of a wheeling tray table.
Warner is leaning against a tank.
Both doors are open, and he’s looking around like he might be overseeing the work being done with the loading units. He nods to several soldiers as they pass.
We clamber into the passenger side unnoticed.
And just as I’m about to whisper a notification to Warner, he walks around to the passenger side, says, “Watch your legs, love,” and shuts the door.
And then he climbs into the other side. Starts driving.
We’re still invisible.
“How did you know we were in here?” Kenji asks immediately. “Can you, like, see invisible people, too?”
“No,” Warner says to him, eyes focused in front of him. “I can feel your presence. Hers, most of all.”
“Really?” Kenji says. “That’s some weird shit. What do I feel like? Peanut butter?”
Warner is unamused.
Kenji clears his throat. “J, I think you should switch spots with me.”
“Why?”
“I think your boyfriend is touching my leg.”
“You flatter yourself,” Warner says.
“Switch spots with me, J. He’s making me feel all goosebumpy and shit, like maybe he’s about to knife me.”
“Fine.” I sigh. I try clambering over him, but it’s difficult, considering I can see neither my own body nor his.
“Ow—dammit—you almost kicked me in the face—”
“Sorry!” I say, trying to scramble over his knees.
“Just move,” he says. “God, how much do you weigh—”
He shifts, all at once, slipping out from under me, and gives me a small shove to move me over.
I fall face-first into Warner’s lap.
I hear Warner’s brief, sharp intake of breath, and I scramble upright, blushing so hard, and I’m suddenly so relieved no one can see me right now.
I want to punch Kenji in the nose.
No one talks much after that.
As we get closer to unregulated territory, the scenery starts to change. The simple, signless, semipaved roads give way to the streets of our old world. The houses are painted in shades that promised to be colorful once upon a time, and the roads are lined with sidewalks that might’ve carried children safely home from school. The houses are all falling apart now.
Everything is broken, dilapidated. The windows boarded up. The lawns overgrown and iced over. The winter bite looks fresh in the air, and it casts a gloom over the scene in a way that says this all might be different in another season. Who knows.
Warner stops the tank.
He climbs out and walks over to our door, just in case anyone is still out here, and makes it seem as though he’s opening it for a specific reason. To check the interior. To examine a problem.
It doesn’t matter.
Kenji jumps out first, and Warner seems to be able to tell that he’s gone.
I reach for Warner’s hand, because I know he can’t see me. His fingers immediately tighten around mine. His eyes are focused on the floor.
“It’s going to be okay,” I tell him. “Okay?”
“Yes,” he says. “I’m sure you’re right.”
I hesitate. “Will you be back soon?”
“Yes,” he whispers. “I’ll return for you in exactly two hours. Will that be sufficient time?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I’ll meet you back here, then. In this exact location.”
“Okay.”
He says nothing for a second. Then, “Okay.”
I squeeze his hand.
He smiles at the ground.
I stand up and he shifts to the side, allowing me room to get by. I touch him as I move past, just briefly. Just as a reminder. That I’m here for him.
He flinches, startled, and steps back.
And then he climbs into the tank, and leaves.
FORTY-EIGHT
Warner is late.
Kenji and I had a semisuccessful session, one that consisted mainly of us arguing over where we were standing and what we were looking at. We’re going to have to come up with much better signals next time, because trying to coordinate a training session between two invisible people is a lot more difficult than it sounds. Which is saying a lot.
So now we’re tired and slightly disappointed, having accomplished little in the way of progress, and we’re standing in exactly the same place Warner dropped us off.
And Warner is late.
This is unusual for many reasons. The first of which is that Warner is never late. Not for anything. And the second is that if he were going to be late, it definitely wouldn’t be for something like this. This situation is far too dangerous to be casual about. He wouldn’t have taken it lightly. I know he wouldn’t have.
So I’m pacing.
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Kenji is saying to me. “He probably just got hung up doing whatever it is he’s doing. You know, commandering and shit.”
“Commandering is not a word.”
“It has letters, doesn’t it? Sounds like a word to me.”
I’m too nervous to banter right now.
Kenji sighs. I hear him stomp his feet against the cold. “He’ll be here.”
“I don’t feel right, Kenji.”
“I don’t feel right, either,” he says. “I’m hungry as hell.”
“Warner wouldn’t be late. It’s not like him to be late.”
“How would you know?” Kenji shoots back. “You’ve known him for how long, exactly? Five
months? And you think you know him so well? Maybe he’s in a secret jazz club where he sings a cappella and wears sparkly vests and thinks it’s cool to do the cancan.”
“Warner wouldn’t wear sparkly vests,” I snap.
“But you think he’d be down with the cancan.”
“Kenji, I love you, I really do, but right now I’m so anxious, and I feel so sick, that the more you speak, the more I want to kill you.”
“Don’t talk sexy to me, J.”
I huff, irritated. God, I’m so worried. “What time is it?”
“Two forty-five.”
“This isn’t right. We should go find him.”
“We don’t even know where he is.”
“I do,” I say. “I know where he is.”
“What? How?”
“Do you remember where we met Anderson for the first time?” I ask him. “Do you remember how to get back to Sycamore Street?”
“Yeah . . . ,” Kenji says slowly. “Why?”
“He’s about two streets down from there.”
“Um. What the hell? Why is he down there?”
“Will you go with me?” I ask, nervous. “Please? Now?”
“Okay,” he says, unconvinced. “But only because I’m curious. And because it’s cold as hell out here and I need to move my legs before I freeze to death.”
“Thank you,” I say. “Where are you?”
We follow the sounds of each other’s voices until we bump right into one another. Kenji slips his arm into mine. We huddle together against the cold.
He leads the way.
FORTY-NINE
This is it.
The robin’s-egg-blue house. The one I woke up in. The one Warner lived in. The one his mother is stored in. We’re standing in front of it and it looks exactly as it did the last two times I was here. Beautiful and terrifying. Wind chimes whipping back and forth.
“Why the hell would Warner be here?” Kenji asks. “What is this place?”
“I can’t really tell you,” I say to him.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not my secret to tell.”
Kenji is silent a moment. “So what do you want me to do?”
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