by Joan Swan
“Don’t you think I’m scared, too? That all of this, what’s happened to us, doesn’t make me worry about how I would protect a family? But when I look at you with Mateo, I know I want that connection with the woman I love. I need to be a part of something greater than myself. Especially now, after everything I’ve been through.”
He clenched his jaw, knew he was about to cross a line he couldn’t ever cross back over. “Keira, I can’t go back to the way things were before . . . I can’t do it. I want more. I want the whole package—you, kids, and, yes, the white picket fence. I can’t sit back and watch Teague and Alyssa together and know we’re never going to have that bond. I can’t watch you smother Kat with love and know that’s never going to be our child. It’s too painful. I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone.”
As he said the words, words he hadn’t fully thought through before this moment, he knew they were true. Even if they absolutely broke his heart. “I’m done fighting with you about this—”
She pushed up on her toes and kissed him. Her lips were warm, soft, wet. They immediately scrambled his thoughts.
He leaned back. “That’s not going to—”
She kissed him again. Her arms escaped his grip and wound around his neck. Her mouth opened under his. Her tongue darted in.
Ah, damn.
Heat. So much heat.
One taste and his resistance wavered? Not this time. Not again.
He pushed her away. “Keira—”
“What I want to tell you, if you’d listen a second,” she said before he could cut her off again, “is that you were right. About so many things. I do love Mateo differently. I do always hold something back. I do let my fear rule my heart.”
She darted a nervous look from beneath those dark lashes sparkling with water droplets. And he found himself hesitating.
“I’m listening,” he said cautiously. “But I’m not going to hear the same bullshit, Keira.”
And he wasn’t giving in. Even if that tank she was wearing was so wet it was now translucent and layered to her like a second skin. Even if the sight of her skin all glowing and slick made him want to rip every shred of clothing from her body. Because that would only be a temporary fix to a permanent problem.
“I have issues with feeling . . . closed in.” Her eyes slid to his chest. “So when you push me on the whole kid thing, and you use all your logic and all your examples and I can’t fight back, I get scared. Walls start pressing in on me, like they did last night. And I say things that I don’t always mean or that don’t always come out right.”
She lifted her eyes to his. “But I did mean what I said when I called you from Tony’s car. I should have tried harder before, and I want to try harder now. That’s why I’m here. I know how screwed up I am. And I know we have . . . issues. I don’t have all the answers; I can’t say I even fully understand the problems. I love kids, I love family, but having my own scares me into panic attacks.
“I obviously have a problem, Luke. One that’s not going to be fixed overnight, but one I’m willing to work on. I won’t lose you over this. Not again. I’m ready to try . . . I mean, to think about . . .” She took a deep breath. “I want that connection with you, too. Desperately. Maybe . . . I mean, if you’re still willing . . . maybe we could talk about having . . . a family.”
He felt as though he’d been pulled into a river, the water eddying around rocks, dragging him from one rapid to another, with never enough time to catch his breath. Her words, the look of sincerity and seriousness and self-deprecation in her eyes gave him so much hope. More than he’d ever imagined he’d feel again. This was the first time she’d been the one to mention children. She’d never gone as far as to say she wanted a family with him. And she’d never, not once, brought up the subject on her own.
But he’d been here a few too many times in the past couple of days. Had his heart twisted and torn more than he could handle. If she was willing to back up her words with action, he might be able to take that leap one more time.
He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her against his body. His wet skin slid against her silk, sparking every cell. His erection jerked against the softness of her belly.
She rested her hands against his chest, watching him with hope in those beautiful eyes.
“Tell me about the tunnel,” he said.
Fear flashed a second before the warm blue irises hardened to glass. Luke’s heart took a cold hit of disappointment. She wasn’t going to do it. She wasn’t going to open up. He’d expected too much.
She lowered her eyes to his chest. Clenched and released her fingers. Cleared her throat. “One of my foster families, they lived in Sparks, Nevada. It was before the town grew. Still the middle of nowhere. There were eight of us—kids. I was the oldest. Took care of the others. All of them had some type of physical or mental disorder from previous parental abuse. The youngest was seven months old.”
Her heart picked up speed and beat harder against Luke’s chest. Keep going. Get it out. Talk to me.
“The dad, he was a good man. Worked for the railroad. Traveled. Gone long hours. When he was home, everything was fine. He was good to us. But the woman, she was . . . I don’t even think she was human. We were animals to her. When chores were done, she locked us . . .” Keira shuttered a breath. “Under the house. Winter and below zero, summer and a hundred-ten, she didn’t care. She couldn’t listen to the babies cry. Couldn’t be bothered to feed us. Even looking at us made her angry.”
Keira rested her forehead against his shoulder. Her warm breath rippled over his skin. “So, sometimes when kids cling to me, like Mateo has been, I get claustrophobic. When I feel responsible for a child’s well-being, like I did with Kat, the pressure reminds me of that feeling I had when one of the babies had been crying for hours and I couldn’t soothe them no matter how hard I tried. When those mix with certain smells, the smell of earth—dirt, plants, mold—I . . . I kinda lose it. I don’t know what happens. My mind tilts, my heart speeds up, I start sweating. I panic, basically.” She pressed her eyes closed with a shake of her head. “I never panic. I’m a sniper, for God’s sake. Panic is not in our vocabulary.
“It’s not logical. I know that. But it doesn’t keep those dark moments from coming. I can’t control them. I lash out. I retreat. I told you, I’m fucked up. I don’t even know why you want me. Or if you still do.”
All his walls came tumbling down. She’d taken that first step toward him. She’d finally let him in to a place she kept locked down tight. It wasn’t a solution to all their problems, but it was a start. And that was more than they’d ever had before.
He took her face in both hands, pushed the dripping strands away from those beautiful eyes, and covered her mouth with his. Her fingers curled around his palms and held on. She pushed up on her toes, enveloping his mouth, pressing every perfect curve against him.
Her lips opened. Her tongue swept in, glided over his, swirled until he groaned.
She slid her hands up his arms, over his shoulders, around his neck, and tilted her head, digging in with the kind of passion that burned his brain clean through.
He wanted to say her name. Wanted to talk to her, tell her how good she felt, how he’d dreamed about her, how the years had dragged on, interminable, without her. But he couldn’t pull his mouth from the feast.
The inner recesses of her mouth were so warm and wet and welcoming. Which turned his mind to other parts of her body, and the urgency to fill those spaces burned white-hot.
He tore his mouth from hers. Dragged in air as he shoved at the fabric on her hips. It dropped to the stone floor with a squishy plop. “Naked. I want you naked.”
She swayed, breathing hard, eyes hazy. Sex-crazed brain. He’d seen it before and thanked the universe for it now.
“I want skin.” He gripped the edge of her tank and pulled it up, over her breasts, cleared her head, and tossed it aside. Lust and need killed his patience. Appreciation of her beauty would have t
o come after satiation.
“Hell, yeah,” he growled, hands gripping her tight waist, thumbs skimming the ripped abs. “Lots and lots of skin. Fuck, you’re gorgeous.”
Unable to stand the distance another second, he wrapped his arms around her slender body and drew her into him.
Oh, the feel of her in his arms. Perfection. Completion.
“Keira.” He had to hear himself say her name while he was holding her, equivalent to a pinch assuring him he wasn’t dreaming. “Keira.”
She planted her mouth on his throat, sucked. Grazed her teeth toward his ear. He rocked in a full body shiver and let out another moan, gritting his teeth. Her hands swept down and around to his belly, lower, squeezing between their bodies. Fingers wrapped around his shaft.
A zing of pleasure-laced pain cut off what little air he’d gathered, and a strangled grunt stumbled out of his throat.
“I remember just what you like,” she whispered in his ear as her strong, smooth, talented fingers proved her one hundred and fifty percent right. “You taught me everything.”
Fire spit into his blood. He hadn’t been able to even kiss another woman without thinking about Keira in either desire or comparison. And now he had her. Authentic Keira O’Shay. Her freckles sparkling in his shower, her perfect breasts molded to his chest, her amazing fingers working his cock in that inquiring, demanding signature way that drove his dreams and woke him panting and sweating in his empty bed. A way he hadn’t taught her at all, but one she’d explored and discovered all on her own in her never-ending desire to find the most visceral ways to blow his mind.
“Keir—” His tongue felt as swollen as his dick, now filling her hands. Brain felt as swollen as his balls, throbbing to get in on the action. “I can’t—”
“Then don’t.”
One small hand released him, pushed between his thighs, rose to cup his balls. Squeezed.
Pleasure gushed through his groin, his pelvis. He groaned, long and deep. His eyes fell shut. White light burst against closed lids.
Not yet. Goddammit, not yet, you pathetic SOB.
“It’s okay,” she encouraged as if she’d heard him, her voice layering with the motion of her hands and enticing him toward climax. “It’s been so long.”
The muscles of his thighs shook, fought to keep his knees from buckling. His fingers cramped from where they’d clenched in her hair.
He cracked his lids and found Keira’s bright eyes intense on his face. Mischievous. Knowing. Powerful.
“Keira . . .” His voice was gravel, his brain dust. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. Couldn’t form the words. He was gone. Slipping off the ledge without another sliver of strength to hold on to.
“I know, it feels good. So good,” she whispered. Seductive. Erotic. One hand massaging between his legs, the other alternating stroking the underside of his penis, wrapping the head. “And when you come, I’m going to watch. You remember how I love to watch?”
Her hand rocked, letting the slick skin slide through her palm. Pumping. Fast and hard.
Not yet. Not fucking yet.
“Yes, now.” Those blue eyes glittered at him with excitement and challenge and lust. “Right fucking now.”
Her words exploded on impact. The orgasm bolted through his system without warning or permission. Bursting through his groin, up his torso, out his limbs. Searing, fiery, liquid pleasure.
Keira braced herself on the stone wall behind her as Luke’s body arched and his sex lunged in her hands. Eyes closed, jaw clenched, face awash in fierce pleasure, he was the sexiest thing Keira had ever seen. She ached to have him inside her, but she’d blown that chance with this impulsive move.
When his body made one last hard jerk, then quaked in mini-shudders, she decided his gratification was completely worth postponing her own.
She closed her eyes and leaned in, kissing his chest, soaking in the feeling of power and love and hope flooding in until she thought she’d burst with a happiness she hadn’t felt in years.
Luke’s chest rose and fell with panting breaths. He coughed, slapped a hand against the rock wall behind her, and groaned again, dropping his forehead against her shoulder. And she couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Laugh while you can, baby.” He bit the hollow between her neck and shoulder. Tingles shot across her skin. “ ’Cause you are so going to pay for that.”
“Soon, I hope.” She kissed his chest, turned her head, and whispered in his ear, “Real soon.”
He caught her mouth with his own and she draped her arms around his neck.
“I’m thinking now,” he said against her mouth, then swept his tongue between her lips. He pushed off the wall, put both hands at her waist, and lifted her off the floor.
She held tight, wrapped her legs around his waist, smiling against his mouth. “Dreamer. Maybe in half an hour.”
“Wanna bet on that?” Grinning, he stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel, dragging it around her back. “A blow job for the winner?”
She snorted, rubbing her fingers over his beautiful lips, imagining them between her legs doing all the amazing things that made her lose brain cells. “That’s stupid. Bet for something you’re not already going to get.”
He tripped, caught the wall with one hand. Keira squeaked and tightened her arms around his neck.
“Christ, Keira.” He glared at her with mock anger. “Don’t do that.”
She waited for him to right himself, open the bathroom door, and step into the bedroom, then leaned in and nibbled on his ear. “Don’t do what? Tell you how I’m going to put my mouth on you? Lick you? Suck you until you scr—?”
She was the one to scream. He threw her. Just tossed her in the air like she weighed nothing. She landed in the middle of his bed, covers fluffing, hair flying. Before she could clear the wild strands from her face, he was on top of her, pinning her with his body.
She stopped struggling, sank into the soft mattress, and reveled in all his hot muscle and warm skin. “Oh, yeah, now this is more like it.”
She ran her hands down the cords of muscle roping his arms as he levered himself over her. Wiggled beneath him and sucked in a breath of surprise when that hard, hot length rubbed her thigh. “No way.”
A slow, sexy grin turned his mouth and crinkled the corner of his eyes. “Not quite a hundred percent.” He rocked his hips, rubbed against her. “But soon. In the meantime . . .”
He maneuvered his knees between hers and pressed them open. A jolt of lust hit her.
He slid lower, dropped his hot, wet mouth over one nipple and closed down hard. Pleasure wiggled its way down her torso, filled her sex, and made her rub against his hips. His tongue licked, circled, teased. His mouth sucked. Keira’s head dropped back. Her feet dug into the mattress, her hands into his wet hair.
“Luke . . .” Jesus, she could barely speak. “Luke. We still need . . . There’s a lot, I mean, to talk about . . .”
He lifted his mouth only to shift to the other breast and plump it with his hand as if preparing his attack. “I picked up condoms.”
His mouth came down. Teeth scraped across her skin. She groaned. Lifted her hips. He met her pressure and rocked, their rhythm instinctively perfect.
“What?” She jerked at his hair. “After that speech in the shower?”
“I picked them up before I knew I’d be giving the speech.”
His mouth closed over her breast, suckled hard. Sensation rocketed through her body. She arched under him, cried out.
“Where?” If he didn’t stop, she’d come right now. “Where are they?”
“What’s the rush?” He grinned up at her. “I’d like to see you come this way. That would be new.”
“Not funny.” She scooted back, levered herself up on her elbows, unable to think straight let alone contemplate the ramifications of him reading her mind during sex. “If you want that blow job, tell me where they are.”
His eyes darkened with lust. “Nightstand drawer.”
<
br /> “Nice. I’m looking forward to that.” She smiled, twisted, and reached for the drawer at the edge of the bed. “But right now, I need something else.”
She fumbled with the drawer, her mind already three steps ahead—package open, condom rolled on, slow and torturous, the length of his cock rubbing over her, getting nice and slick for the first tight ride in.
“Keira,” he moaned.
She grinned. Okay, this mind thing could be really fun.
Her fingers searched blindly as his tongue traced the tattoo on her lower back and the upper curve of her ass.
“This is so sexy.” His voice came out in a low growl and spiked heat down her chest. “I can’t even tell you.”
His mouth closed over the skin at the base of her spine as his fingers floated up her back, out over her ribs, and down her sides. His hands slipped underneath her hips. His fingers spread toward her aching center.
Her eyes glazed over. Her hand grasped the drawer for support. She closed her eyes, dropped her forehead to the mattress. “Yes.”
Just a little more. A little more.
His fingers dug into her skin, holding her still. His hot mouth covered her center, kissed.
“Luke,” she cried. “God, Lu—”
His tongue seared a path along her opening, cutting off her ability to speak. Then he moved on, his teeth closing around the flesh at one hip.
“No,” she rasped. “Don’t stop.”
“More later,” he promised. “I have a lot to see. A lot to do. Don’t rush me.”
Frustration rippled through every muscle. She snatched the box from the drawer, shoved a finger under the edge, and pried open the thin cardboard. That’s when the cover caught her eye.
“Multicolored and . . . tropical flavor?” She shot a what-the-hell look over her shoulder.
He dragged his mouth toward the curve of her ass, lifted her hips a little higher, separated her legs a little more. Keira’s breath caught in anticipation. Yes.
“It’s all they had,” he murmured against her skin, moving away from the spot that needed his mouth most. “Beggars and choosers and all that. Wasn’t sure I’d ever get to use them anyway.”