I got ninety-nine pumps to pump the water down.”
Shine went downstairs, he ate a piece of bread.
That’s when the water came above his head.
He said, “Captain, Captain, I was downstairs eating my bread
And the motherfucking water came above my head.”
He said, “Shine, Shine, set your black ass down.
I got ninety-nine pumps to pump the water down.”
Shine took off his shirt, took a dive. He took one stroke
And the water pushed him like it pushed a motorboat.
The Captain said, “Shine, Shine, save poor me.
I’ll give you more money than any black man see.” Shine said, “Money is good on land or sea.
Take off your shirt and swim like me.”
That’s when the Captain’s daughter came on deck;
Hands on her pussy, and drawers ’round her neck.
Says, “Shine, Shine, save poor me.
Give you more pussy than any black man see.”
Shine said, “Pussy ain’t nothing but meat on the bone,
You may fuck it or suck it or leave it alone.
I like cheese but I ain’t no rat.
I like pussy, but not like that.”
And Shine swum on.
He said, “I hope you meet up with a whale.”
Old Shine, he swim mighty fine.
Shine met up with a whale.
The whale said, “Shine, Shine, you swim mighty fine,
But if you miss one stroke, your black ass is mine.”
Shine said, “You may be king of the ocean, king of the sea,
But you got to be a swimming motherfucker to outswim me.”
And Shine swum on.
Now when the news got to the port, the great Titanic had sunk,
You won’t believe this, but old Shine was on the corner, damn near drunk.
—Philadelphia
96
COMPETITION FOR LAZINESS
Once, there were three white slave-owners sitting around discussing how lazy their slaves were. Each had one slave they said was the laziest man alive, so they decided to make a bet. So the first took them to his place and pointed to this man out in the fields sleeping. He said, “Man, couldn’t nobody’s slave be any lazier than mine, ’cause mine is so lazy he lays in the field all day and lets flies swarm all over him and snakes crawl on him and still he won’t move.” So they went to the house of the next man and he pointed out this slave, and said, “Your slave isn’t anything. You see that one, I saw him the other day in the cotton field and a cow came by and just shit and pissed all in his face and he didn’t move.” Now John really was the laziest, but he was all the time putting it over on Marster. But this was one time Marster didn’t mind, ’cause when they went over to that place, John knew they were coming and what for and he just lay there on the ground moaning. Marster said, “Y’all ain’t heard nothing yet. You see John there; well, yesterday I heard moans and groans coming from the barn and I went out to see what was wrong. There the man was, lying in the corner moaning and groaning. You know what was wrong? He was lying on his nuts and was too lazy to move.” That was what John told him, and that’s why Marster won that bet.
—Texas
97
JOHN OUTWITS MR. BERKELEY
This story begins with a very covetous man, Mr. Berkeley, who was a very rich and a very selfish man, too. Everything he saw, he wanted. One day, he met an old woman who had a fine cow she was taking to market. He knew it was worth about a hundred dollars, but he said to the woman, “You don’t want to take that cow all the way to the market. I will give you five dollars for it right here.” Not knowing much about the value of anything, the old woman thought that five dollars was a lot of money, so Mr. Berkeley got the cow.
When she got home, she told her only son, whose name was John, what she had done, and he said, “Damn! Mommy, Mr. Berkeley really paid you nothing close to what that cow was worth. But I’m going to make Mr. Berkeley really do a flying dance for what he has done to us.” So he made a plan. His mother had a nice bucket in the house filled with some good-looking sugar. John went and got some cow manure and other shit and put it into the bottom of a pan, and then covered that over with the sugar. He carried it down that same road that his mother was taking the cow earlier, knowing that was where Mr. Berkeley passed all of the time.
When Mr. Berkeley saw John and all that nice sugar, he asked him, “John, what do you have on your shoulder there?” John said, “Sugar, Mr. Berkeley, some nice sugar to sell at the market.” Mr. Berkeley came over to him and said, “Well, that’s pretty good-looking sugar. Why don’t you sell it to me instead of carrying it all the way to the market?” John said, “Well, I want five hundred dollars for it.” Well, Mr. Berkeley, when he saw something that he really liked, he just had to have it. So he paid him the five hundred dollars for the panful.
He carried it on home and invited all his friends to come and have tea with him so they could taste this wonderful sugar that he had found. They came and thought the sugar was just wonderful in their tea. After using the sugar for a few days, though, Mr. Berkeley dipped in his spoon and it came up smelling awful! He said, “Good God, I’m going to beat that John when I catch up with him.” And he took off for John’s house right away.
Well, John had thought out the whole plan. He had taken a large copper boiling pot that they use for making sugar, filled it with yams and potatoes and other provisions from the garden. He balanced the whole thing on three stones and built a large fire under the pot, and began to boil the whole thing down. But there was one spot where the fire was so hot it showed through the covering of ashes, which he covered over with fresh dirt.
As soon as Mr. Berkeley got there, he called out to John, and John answered, “I’m in here, Mr. Berkeley.” And before Mr. Berkeley could say anything, John said, “Mr. Berkeley, Mr. Berkeley, come and see this pot that cooks food by itself.” He hit the kettle as hard as he could with a whip, and he said, “Mr. Berkeley, just listen to that.” Sure enough, the kettle was boiling. He hit it again, and the kettle seemed to boil even harder. Mr. Berkeley didn’t have to hear the third crack of the whip when he said, “You have to sell me that pot that cooks food by just lashing it.” John said, “Well, I have to have five hundred dollars for the pot and another five hundred for the special whip.” So Mr. Berkeley gave it to him, five hundred for the pot and five hundred for the whip.
So he took it to this large field, put the pot on these stones, and brought lots of food to put into it. Then he invited all his friends to a great big cook-up, to show them how he was going to boil food without any fire. So all the friends came bright and early, before they had eaten their food at home, even, expecting to have a big feast at Mr. Berkeley’s. Well, when they got there, they saw Mr. Berkeley taking this whip and hitting the pot, Whop! He gave it a hard lash but nothing happened. He hit it a second time, but the food stayed just as cold as when he put it in. He gave the pot a hundred lashes, and still the water stayed as cold as before. He was disappointed and getting mad now. And all his friends left, hungry and laughing at the same time.
Now, John went on to the next part of his plan. He killed a goat and took out its heart and had his mother put it inside of her dress, right on top of where her own heart was. He told her to play dead when he touched it with a knife. As soon as he saw Mr. Berkeley coming to him, as vexed as he could be, he took out a knife and he stabbed his mother right in the goat’s heart, and she fell over. Now Mr. Berkeley supposed that he had seen John stab his mother, because his mother fell over as if she was dead. Mr. Berkeley said, “John, you have killed your mother.” He was scared, you know, with the knife in John’s hand and the blood all around. John said, “Oh, Mr. Berkeley, Mama will raise herself up once more, you’ll see.” So he took up this shell and he blew on it pouu—uu. His mother stirred a little. He blew it again pouu—uu; his mother opened her eyes. The third time he blew she sat up, and the fo
urth time she got up and started to walk around.
Mr. Berkeley was astonished. He asked, “John, what do you want for a knife that cuts like that?” John said, “Well I have to have five hundred dollars.” So he gave John the money, and five hundred more for the shell.
Now he went home, got all his servants, his wife and his children, and put them all in a row. Again he invited all his friends over to see how he was going to kill all these people and then bring them back to life again. He took the knife and stabbed his wife and she fell dead. He took all the servants and killed them, and the rest of his family. They were all dead on the ground in front of him, so he blew on the shell, pouu—uu, and nothing happened. He blew again and again, from morning to night, but nobody came back to life. He looked around and said, “All right, I am going to kill John with just one stab, too, for God’s sake.”
This time, John had no other tricks, so Mr. Berkeley tied him up, wanting to shame John like John had shamed him in front of all his friends. He brought him up to the bay side, to the rum shop there, and started to have a drink with all his friends while they laughed at John, all tied up there. But another man, whose name was Wolf, passed by there. He saw John crying, and said to him, “Friend John, how did you get yourself in this fix?” John said, “I have discovered this huge gold field under the water on Mr. Berkeley’s property, and you know how he is, being so selfish, so he has tied me up until he can get all that gold and split it up between us.” Wolf said, “But it seems so cruel that you should be tied.” And John said, “It is, it is, but you know Mr. Berkeley. He must have his gold. Maybe, if I told you where the gold is, you would want to have my half of it.” Wolf said, “Would you do that?” And John said, “Yes, because he is making so much fun of me in front of his friends.” So Wolf unloosened the ropes, and they exchanged clothes, and John tied him up just as tightly as he had been tied. So John went away and left Wolf there in his place; and when Mr. Berkeley came out of the rum shop later, he just picked up Wolf without looking and carried him out to his boat and went out on the open sea and shoved Wolf over and drowned him.
About three months later, Mr. Berkeley saw John coming toward him in the carriage he had taken when he changed places with Mr. Wolf. He said, “Is that you, John?” and John said, “Oh yes, Mr. Berkeley.” He asked, “Well, how did you come back to life and get such a fine carriage?” John said, “Well, you remember when you threw me into the sea? Well, I fell right into a gold field itself!” Mr. Berkeley said to John, “You have to show me where this gold field is. Will you do that for me?” John said, “Yes, but you must give me something in return.” Mr. Berkeley said he would give him anything he wanted. John said, “But you know it is deep in the ocean, and you must put weights on your body so you can get down to it.” So John tied Mr. Berkeley as tightly as Mr. Berkeley had tied him, put some stones on his body and put him in the boat, went out on the open sea, and shoved him over. That’s the gold mine Mr. Berkeley wanted, but now John had all the things that Mr. Berkeley had, and John was alive, too.
That’s the reason why an envious and covetous man always loses when he tries to get too much.
—Trinidad
98
BLACK JACK AND WHITE JACK
There were two ladies, one colored and one white, who came from foreign parts. The colored lady was supposed to be the maid of the white lady. So they came to live in this strange land, where they didn’t know anybody. On the first day that they were there, they went out for a walk. And they took with them a bottle of water each. They walked a mile. When the water was finished, they turned back. The second day, they went for another walk, and they took two bottles of water with them. This time they went two miles. That water was finished, too, so they turned back. They went the third day and they took three bottles of water. They went three miles, and when the water was all gone they turned back again. Now on the fourth day they took four bottles of water, and they went four miles, and the water was all gone again. But they didn’t turn back this time. They went on for four more miles. They got thirsty, of course, and then they saw two ponds. One was running white water, and one was running black water. The white woman drank from the white pond, and the black woman drank from the black pond. Then they returned home, and both fell very sick. They called in the doctor, and the doctor said they were both pregnant. And they remained sick for the whole nine months. The time came for the babies to be delivered. The white woman had a white son, and the black woman had a black son. The white one called her son White Jack. The black woman called her son Black Jack. Well, they grew up together like brothers. They looked alike, except one was dark, the other light.
After they had grown up to be young men, Black Jack said one day, “Would you like to go out hunting?” And White Jack said that he would go along with him. Black Jack brought the knife, which he always carried with him. And they went out to hunt. They caught three different kinds of animals each—a lion, a unicorn, and a bear. They tamed them so that the animals would do anything they asked them to do.
One day, while they were walking in the woods, they came to a cross-road, where there was a large tree. Black Jack stuck his knife into that tree and said, “White Jack, if you come back and see that knife has dropped and is all rusty, then you’ll know I’m dead.” So they took their departure, each on one of the roads. They each had their three animals along.
Black Jack heard of a king that had a daughter. And every year a lion came there to destroy that girl. Any man who could kill that monster could have the girl to be his wife. So Black Jack made his way to the king’s palace. He made arrangements that he would volunteer to kill the monster. The next day, the king sent his daughter in a coach out to the woods where this lion was, for this is what he had to do every year. And Black Jack was there, lying in ambush. When the monster came out after the girl, Black Jack said to one of his beasts, “Hold on, my lion, my unicorn, and my bear!” And his three beasts tore up this monster, and they killed him. Now Black Jack didn’t want the king to know it was he who had killed the lion. So he asked the girl not to tell the father it was he, for he had some plan in his mind.
So, while they were going back, the coachman told the girl to say to the father it was he that killed the lion. He threatened to kill her if she did not. So the girl told the father that it was the coachman that killed the lion. And the king agreed to have the girl marry the coachman.
On the next day, Black Jack was passing by the palace, and the girl was looking out from the veranda. She saw Black Jack, and she said to the King, “Ah, Papa, Papa! That was the man who really saved me from the lion.” And the king called him in. And they hanged the coachman for telling a lie. Two days after that, Black Jack married the girl.
The day after they were married, they were both on the veranda looking out, and Black Jack saw a cottage far away. Black Jack asked his wife, “What place is that over there? I would like to go there.” “Many have gone there, and haven’t returned; for there is an old woman who lives there who eats people,” his wife told tim.
Black Jack replied, “I am not afraid. I will go.” His wife could not persuade him not to go. After he went, she felt like she didn’t have a husband, because she knew he would lose his life there.
Black Jack, with his lion, his unicorn, and his bear, walked about four miles till they reached a river. He met an old man with a boat in that river. He said to the old man, “Old Man, take me over this river, will you please?”
The old man said, “No sir! There is an old woman over there that eats people.” Black Jack said, “Old Man, take me over the river, and I will give you a guinea.” He said, “No sir, for many have gone and haven’t returned.”
Then Black Jack said, “Hold on, my lion, my unicorn, and my bear!” And his beasts took him over the river. He came to a gate, and he rapped on this gate. The name of this gate was Open-unto-me. Just then the old lady came along. She said to the gate, “Open-unto-me,” and she and Black Jack went on in. But he left his three b
easts outside. When he went in, the old woman said to herself, “Um, a pretty human this one is.” Then she took him all through the house, you know. And when she got him to one certain room, she struck him dead with her magic, and she threw his body in a room with the many other bodies of the people she had killed before.
On that same day, White Jack returned from his journey and came to the tree. And he saw the knife on the ground and rusted. And he said to himself, “My brother, Black Jack, is dead. Wherever his body is, I must find him.” So he set out in search of him. He walked all day till he came to the king’s palace. He stopped and asked for a drink of water. Now the two Jacks, Black Jack and White Jack, looked so alike that this girl took him for her husband. And the father also. So White Jack slept with the girl that night. The next day, they were both on the same veranda looking out, and he asked her, “What place is that over yonder?” She told him, “You asked me that before. There is an old woman over there who eats people!” Then he said to the girl, “I want to go, and I will go.” And he set off with his three beasts.
When he reached the river, he saw the same old man with the boat. He said, “Old Man, take me over this river, would you please?” He said, “No sir! I saw one man pass here like you, and he didn’t come back.”
White Jack said, “Old Man, if you take me over the river, I will give you ten guineas.” He said, “No sir! There is an old woman over there who eats people.”
White Jack said to his beasts, “Hold on, my lion, my unicorn, and my bear!” And his beasts took him over the river. When he got over the river, he saw the three beasts of Black Jack mourning. He was mad now. He rapped on the gate. The old woman said, “Open-unto-me!” and the gates opened and he went in. The old woman said, “Um, um, a pretty man to eat.” With White Jack were the three beasts of Black Jack and his own beasts. When the old woman said “a pretty man to eat,” he said, “The Devil and Hell, a man to eat! Go find my brother, Black Jack!” The old woman got scared, you know. She asked him to come into the rooms. He went, and took the beasts with him. When he reached that certain room, he would not go in. He started to threaten the old woman. She got so scared, and took up some of a bottled medicine to bring people back to life, and went to where Black Jack was, and used it on him till he came to life. As he got to life, White Jack said, “Hold on, my lion, my unicorn, and my bear!” And they tore the old woman to pieces.
African American Folktales Page 31