Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  “If you want help, I’ll help you.” I said it to my steering wheel.

  “You’re leaving me, Dexter. I stopped. I was good. But you’re still leaving.” Her voice was low and sad.

  “I’m here now,” I said and got out. I opened her door, and when she didn’t move to get out, I squatted down to look at her. “You know you can’t stay out here all night.”

  “Tonight is so embarrassing. Tracey will hate me,” she said slowly. While I heard her struggling with words the way drunk people do, I knew she was conscious of everything she was saying. “And a small part of me hates you.”

  I was taken aback. What had I done?

  “Why?”

  “You were with her.” She sat up and lay against the back of the seat, glaring at me. “And your life is just—it’s just so easy.” Her head lolled to the side.

  I stood and stepped away, afraid I might shake her.

  “I had an innocent conversation with someone who needed closure. Someone I don’t remember ever having been with. Maybe my life would be easier if you stopped trying to destroy the little bit of happiness I have!” In the background, I could hear people counting down. It wore me down thinking that this new beginning, this year, would be brought in on such terrible terms.

  “Yeah? Maybe my life would be easier if you stopped making me want what could never be. I don’t want to feel. But damn it, Dexter, I still feel you!” She stepped out, wobbling and then collapsing. I grabbed her, lifting her in the manner that had become habitual. She only groaned, her body pliant and relaxed.

  I looked down at her. She was too beautiful. And too tortured. She was a beautiful poison, killing herself. All of her wounds were self-inflicted. Could I help her? Save her?

  I opened the door and almost cursed when Tracey was sitting in the living room.

  “What’s wrong with her?” She jumped from the couch and followed me up the steps. Noa picked her head up.

  “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” she whispered to Tracey. I opened my bedroom door and set her on my bed before walking back out to deal with my aunt. I closed the door, hoping that if Tracey had anything terrible to say, Noa wouldn’t hear it.

  “Dexter, she is drunk,” Tracey whispered heatedly. I couldn’t ignore the fire in her eyes.

  “I know,” I said, scared to hear what would come next. “But I can’t just leave her out there this way. God knows what she’d get into.”

  “Where are her parents?”

  “Left her and her brother a few years ago. She lives with him now, but he isn’t the best role model for her. Look, I know you’re mad and I understand. But I have to help her. I have to fix her. I have to be that for her. Especially if she can’t be that for herself.”

  Tracey closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall. When she opened them again, they were full of determination.

  “I like Noa. I like her a lot, mainly because she is what makes you happy. But you are my priority! And you can’t be everything for her. At some point, she’s going to leave you empty-handed,” she said and placed her hands on my arms, pleading with me to see it her way.

  “And I’ll probably be the happiest I’ve ever been,” I replied. I couldn’t think of a better situation than one where Noa actually listened to and relied on me. “I have to go back in there. We’ll talk in the morning?” I hugged Tracey tightly, and she hummed her assent.

  Noa turned to face me when she heard the door click behind me. She stood, swaying.

  “I need to go.”

  “No.” I stepped right up to her, grabbing her hand and leading her to my bathroom. “You can sober up and then make a decision. Until then, you’re my responsibility.”

  “Oh, someone’s feeling charitable,” she slurred, and I jerked back like she slapped me. I grabbed her tighter and pushed her into the shower, turning on the water. It only took moments to warm. I stared at her, anger making me breathe in and out carefully. The water cascaded down and Noa began to sink. I followed her down, making sure she didn’t slip. I tilted her chin so her eyes met mine.

  “Do not talk to me like that, Noa. I don’t deserve it.”

  Through her drunken haze, she looked remorseful. Then her face crumpled.

  “And what do I deserve?”

  “You deserve me! So pick me!”

  She sobbed, her hair matted to her skull, mascara tracking down her face. “Why are you still here, Dexter?”

  I pulled her closer, whispering against her, “Because it’s where I’m meant to be.” I came back to be right here. With you, I thought to myself.

  “I’m fucking everything up. I always fuck everything up,” she said as she fought her tearful hiccups. “I’m going to keep fucking up.”

  “Shh. We’ll get you some help. And I’ll be right by your side. It’ll get better.” I murmured sweet words into her hair until she calmed down. Once she did, I led her out, gave her a change of clothes, changed my clothes, and stepped out to make her a cup of tea. When I made my way back upstairs, she was asleep in my bed. And because I needed her as desperately as she needed me, I climbed in beside her, pulling her right next to my heart.

  •••

  I can’t tell you what happens next. Have faith in the actions that led you to her.

  The sun wasn’t up when I woke up. I looked over, noticing how peacefully Noa slept beside me. She’d curled into me, tucked in a protective ball. I slid from the bed as gently as I could and went into my bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked at my now-recognizable face and noticed the tiredness in my eyes. My hair was wild, and I pulled it in a bun while I walked over to my computer. I needed to do some class work, and I figured I could while my mind was still racing from the things that had happened a few hours prior.

  I was almost done when Noa stirred and sat up, blinking. Then she ran to my bathroom, and I heard her cough over my toilet before vomiting. I didn’t know if I should go in there or not.

  “Dexter?” she called out, her voice weak.

  I pushed the door open, and when I saw her sickly pallor and the sheen of sweat on her skin, I kneeled, wiping her damp hair from her face.

  “What do you need?”

  She sat motionless, staring at me. Her eyes devoured me, and the longer I stared at her, the more I felt her give in to me.

  She ducked her head back toward the toilet bowl and heaved, letting go of everything in her stomach. When she looked up again, she asked for water.

  I wiped her hair out of her face again and stepped out, heading down to the kitchen for some water. I was surprised to see Tracey already there, blending something.

  “Happy New Year. What are you doing?” I asked with a smile. If I ever thought I understood women, Tracey would surprise me, bringing me right back to square one. If I couldn’t understand the woman I lived with, I’d have no hope with Noa.

  “Making a banana smoothie,” she answered with ease, like it was something she normally did. “Happy New Year.”

  “Have a taste for it at eight-thirty in the morning?” I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I turned and noticed a tray on the counter. There was toast, a bottle of water, two pills, and a pickle. She placed the glass filled with thick, frothy liquid on the tray and nudged me aside.

  “There are things I don’t expect you to understand quite yet, Dex.” I followed her as she headed to my room, and when she went into my bathroom, she turned to me. “I’ve got this covered. Go play with your computer or something.” Then she shut the door in my face.

  Chapter 17

  Ipaced my room for a few minutes before putting on jeans and a jacket and getting in my car. I would lose my nerve if I didn’t leave in that moment and think about consequences later.

  I parked at the regular hospital entrance and hopped out, trying not to run to the receptionist. I didn’t want to look like a crazy person.

  “Happy New Year. How can I help you?” she asked cheerfully.

  “I’m looking for Sessie. I, uh, don’t know her last n
ame, but she asked me to visit her. I was—used to be a patient of hers.”

  The woman smiled knowingly. “Yes,” she started, “sounds like Secilia. She’s on the third floor. Just ask the nurses when you get there. They should be able to help you.”

  I nodded, taking off toward the elevators. I’d become fairly familiar with the layout of the hospital, having been here a few times a month with Noa to volunteer. When I got to the third floor, I jogged to the nurses’ station.

  “Hi. Can any of you help me find Sessie?” I asked. One of the women looked at another.

  “She’s in 312, right? I thought I saw her in there. Hold on, young man. We’ll call her over.” She picked up a phone, and over the intercom, I heard her call Secilia Gordon to the nurses’ station. Sessie walked up a few minutes later, a bright smile on her face.

  “Hey there, Dex. Happy New Year.” She held her arms out, and I hugged her, enjoying the maternal air she gave. “You finally came to visit.”

  I nodded. “Is there somewhere we can talk?”

  Her smile faltered and she stepped away. I followed, trying to figure out exactly what I would say.

  “I figured you’d have questions. She’s a tight-lipped little thing, isn’t she? It was hard enough getting her medical history out of her.” Sessie turned to me, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall.

  “I don’t want to put you in a tough place, asking you questions you can’t answer. But, she’s drinking. It seems bad. She mentioned that she had a drinking problem last night. And, I can’t help but remember you saying the day I met you that there were miracles in this hospital. I shrugged it off but…I feel like I can tell you. I feel like you won’t think I’m crazy,” I babbled on, telling her everything. From the Angel of Death to knowing that there was more to this Noa thing than what I initially believed. It felt good to tell someone. I took a deep breath when I finished. “You believe me, don’t you?”

  Her face was expressionless as she looked at me. It was small, but she nodded.

  “Of course I do, Dex. But I can’t help you. I can’t tell you what happened here. I can only tell you to be careful. And to listen to what she tells you.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. “There are skeletons in that closet, child, only kept company by a whole lot of hurt.”

  I nodded and turned away, preparing to face Noa with only assumptions and genuine concern.

  “Dexter?” I looked over my shoulder at Sessie. Her face held a sad smile. “You wouldn’t have been sent back if you couldn’t do it. But timing is everything.”

  “See, I don’t get that Sessie,” I said, dropping my gaze. “If we’re meant to be together, why is it so hard?”

  She walked toward me and placed her hand on my shoulder. “You should be so lucky to have met your match in life. Some souls will forever walk alone, never following the map that has so delicately placed their lives in the exact moment where love is meant to be found. But you’ve found her, and you still have time left. Don’t look at it for its pain. Even the things we love most tend to cause us slight heartache.”

  I sat my hand on top of hers, not knowing what to say.

  “You come visit me again, soon,” she whispered, and we hugged again. As I made my way back to my house, her words played over in my head. I pulled into the driveway and turned my car off, sitting there for a few minutes. I didn’t know what I was going to be faced with when I got inside. Finally, I opened the door and stepped out, bracing myself. When I walked into the kitchen, there they were. Tracey was cooking, and Noa was sipping from a mug. Coffee, no doubt.

  “Hey, you,” Tracey said as she walked over and patted my cheek. “Where ya been?” The spatula in her hand glistened with grease in the morning light, and I took a deep breath.

  “Went for a drive. What’s for breakfast?” I sat next to Noa. When she looked up at me with all too apparent nervousness, I grabbed her hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Tracey smiled at our joined hands.

  Despite my trepidation, this was what I wanted. I just wanted Noa. In any way I could have her. It was dangerous to hold onto scraps, but I was that damn desperate for her. Because when she was happy, my world was right. And even in her terrible moments, I was living for her.

  It was unfair that I felt this fixation that superseded any human connection. It was unfair because she might feel it too, but she didn’t know what it was exactly. Even I didn’t know what it was exactly. But I knew more than Noa did.

  “Well, I’m filling your girl up with plenty of greasy bacon so she doesn’t feel as sick. Although the banana smoothie certainly brought her color back. We were discussing whether men in this day and age should ask women to be their girlfriends or if it should be unspoken.”

  My eyes flashed to Noa’s instantly. “What do you think?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” She cleared her throat. “But if it were me, I’d want him to ask. I feel like that’s really the only way we’re both on the same page.” Her nerves had come back. She was fidgety, her eyes looking around the room.

  “Well, I for one—” Tracey started.

  “I’d like you to be my girlfriend,” I blurted out. Because despite whatever battles Noa was fighting, I didn’t want her to feel like she was fighting them alone.

  “Are you asking me?” she asked, tipping her head to the side. She was herself again, the girl who created beauty from paint and wanted to punch me when I bumped into her.

  “I don’t know that you have any say in the matter anymore, Blue.” I tucked the loose strands of her blue hair behind her ear. I noticed there was more brown peeking out from her roots these days.

  “Are you sure?” she whispered. I leaned over and kissed her cheek, lingering to tell her that I was completely sure.

  When I looked up, Tracey had left the room. A plate of bacon and eggs was set on the counter.

  After we’d eaten, Noa claiming I should help her because there was no way she’d finish the food on her own, she came upstairs with me and waited while I got dressed.

  “What were you doing this morning?” she asked from my bed. I turned, tugging my shirt down the rest of the way.

  I didn’t miss the way she’d looked at my bare skin.

  “I was doing programming homework,” I said, pulling a hoodie on.

  “What’s it like?”

  “What’s painting like?”

  “Hm. It’s like taking all of my passion, my hurt, my thoughts and putting it onto a canvas and leaving all of that energy there for the world to see.” She scratched at the skin on her neck. “Sometimes I just…feel so much. And I don’t know what to do with it. It’s a curse.”

  “I don’t think it’s a curse.” I sat down beside her. “And programming is like…okay, so we have our language, and a computer has its own language. Programming is me speaking to a computer, telling it what to do. And different languages make the machine do different things. Machine language, assembly language, smart lan…your eyes are glazing. I’ll stop now,” I told her with a chuckle.

  She smiled. It was honest, and with the sun behind her, she looked so happy.

  “What?” she asked after I’d stared at her for a little while. Still, she didn’t hide her face or move away. She just closed her eyes and leaned back a little. I loved that about her. In some ways she was terrified, afraid of everything I wanted. But in other ways, in ways it seemed most other girls were afraid, she was unashamed, ready to see and be seen. She hadn’t needed to tell me she felt too much. I knew she did.

  “Ready to go?” I grabbed her hand and pulled her against me.

  “Just because you’re my boyfriend, doesn’t mean you get to manhandle me,” she said through a giggle.

  “That’s exactly what that means.” I kissed her quickly. We got in my car and headed to her place. When we stopped in front of her house, I looked over at her.

  “Would you like to go to dinner tonight?”

  “You aren’t sick of me yet?” Thankfully her voice was light, carrying the jo
ke.

  “Don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.” I tugged on a loose strand of blue hair. “So? Will you?”

  She nodded and kissed my lips. “Pick me up at seven?”

  “Sure thing.” I watched her make her way to the front door of her building. I waited a few moments, hoping to see her standing in her window. When she didn’t show, I put the car in drive and headed home.

  Tracey was waiting for me on the front steps.

  “Seems like she feels better,” she called out as I walked up.

  “Yeah. Thanks for taking care of her.”

  “I’ve been young and stupid before,” she said with a flick of her wrist. She patted the ground next to her and I sat. “But, I’m thinking that this isn’t just a wild night for Noa. I’m thinking she’s handled hangovers aplenty, which worries me. She’s only seventeen, Dex.”

  I clasped my hands together, listening to everything she said.

  “I’m taking her out to dinner tonight. I hope she can open up a little more to me.”

  “Good luck, Dex. That girl had me talking about something else completely before I even knew she’d switched the subject. She’s a champion evader. I know you like her, and she seems to like you. And that makes me like her. But you stay out of trouble, now.” She leaned her head against my shoulder. “I can’t have anything happening to you.”

  “Nothing will happen,” I assured her, running my hand down her back. “I went to the hospital to talk to Sessie while you were with Noa. Apparently the night I almost died, Noa did too. Well, I can’t confirm that. But Sessie told me to be careful too. Other than that, she wasn’t able to tell me anything, really.”

  “You were wrong to ask someone else, Dex, and if Noa found out, she’d be upset. Rightly so. If you want answers, ask the person who owes you some. Not a person who could lose her job for telling you the little bit she did.”

  “Noa won’t tell me anything,” I said, feeling like I was on the losing side of a battle. “I can’t help that I’m curious. She needs help, but I can’t help her if she doesn’t want me to.”