by Gina Wilkins
She traced a fingertip over the image of a very large man in a cheap white shirt and limp polyester tie, his round, ruddy face creased by a huge, sweet smile. “Daddy was so proud I thought he would bust all the buttons off his shirt.”
She sighed. “Remember how he was always nagging me about doing my homework and taking the hardest courses? How he fretted about my school résumé because he said it would lead to an impressive career résumé? It was so important to him that I ‘make something’ of myself. ‘Caitlin,’ he would say in that big, booming voice of his, ‘you’ve been given special gifts. It would be a sin to waste them or to throw them away.’”
Sylvia showed no reaction to the change in Caitlin’s voice. But then, she rarely showed a reaction to anything, other than the occasional loud noise that would make her start, sometimes whimper a bit. Caitlin gazed down at the smiling woman in the photograph, seeing her real mother looking back at her from there.
“I listened to all Daddy’s lectures,” Caitlin whispered to the mother in the photo. “I believed him when he said I could be the best of the best if I was willing to work hard enough. Sometimes I wonder if I learned his lessons a bit too well.”
She looked back up then at her mother’s blank face, searching for any sign that she was heard and understood. Any clue at all. As had been the case for more than a year, she found absolutely no evidence that the woman who had once been Sylvia Briley still existed.
“I miss you, Mama,” she said. “I wish I could talk to you about Daddy. I’d like to ask how you really felt about him. I know you loved him, you always made that clear. But did you ever regret falling for him? Ever wish you’d married someone else or never married at all? Were you ever sorry that you gave up your own dreams—whatever they might have been—to take care of him and me?”
Sylvia’s clouded eyes moved, and for just a moment Caitlin wondered if there was some understanding there, after all. But then her mother’s eyes half closed again, obviously looking at nothing.
Caitlin cleared her throat. “I’ve had a job offer, Mama. Sort of. A nibble, anyway. I think I could get it if I go after it—just the way Daddy always said. If I decide to take the job, it would mean I’d have to move to California. I’m not exactly sure what I would do with you. I doubt that such a big move would be good for you, and you get such good care here. But if I leave you here, I wouldn’t be able to visit you very often. It’s a very demanding firm, and there would be little time off for me to fly back here.”
She stood to replace the photograph in its position beside the yellow roses. And then she walked back over to her mother, laying a gentle hand on Sylvia’s thin gray hair.
“I know you don’t even know I’m here. You wouldn’t miss me if I never came again. But I’m not so sure I could get on a plane and leave you behind. Because whether you would know or not, I would know. And it would haunt me.”
She leaned over to kiss her mother’s cheek. Sylvia automatically turned her face away. Caitlin didn’t take offense. “I love you, Mama. And I know that somewhere deep inside you is a kernel of the woman who once loved me, too.”
She straightened and moved toward the door. “’Bye, Mama. I’ll see you again soon.”
As she left the facility, she waved to the nurses she’d come to know so well during the past year. She was no longer sad when she left the nursing home; she’d long since come to terms with her mother’s condition. Her visits were brief, but she still found some peace in them. Maybe only because she felt some satisfaction at doing her duty toward her mother. Or maybe it was the connection, however tenuous, to family.
Her way of remembering who she was and where she had come from.
It was something she never really wanted to forget, no matter where her career path took her.
Chapter Fifteen
Because it was still early when Caitlin arrived back in Honesty, and she had nothing else to do on this Saturday afternoon, she drove straight to her office. She remembered to lock the front door behind her this time as she entered.
Everything had been left neat and organized for the weekend, thanks to Irene and the janitorial staff. It was an ideal time to get some work done.
As she wandered through the empty offices, she found herself looking around through critical eyes. Maybe it was time to update the decor a bit. The muted greens and beiges were peaceful but could be modernized. Maybe a brighter color scheme was in order, with some interesting artwork displayed here and there. The McCloud and Briley Law Firm was doing quite well, and they really should dress the part.
She’d bet Tom’s firm in L.A. was decorated in the latest, cutting-edge style.
There were a couple of extra offices at the back of the renovated old house. They were used now only for storage. She remembered Irene’s suggestion that they take in another lawyer to share the workload. McCloud, Briley and Associates. Nice ring to it, she had to admit. For a small-town firm, at least.
Usually she enjoyed the quiet on Saturday mornings. Today she missed hearing Mandy’s cheery chattering with the rest of the staff, Irene’s sergeant-at-arms bark of instructions and the sound of Nathan’s laughter. Especially that.
She wondered how much laughter rang out in Tom’s firm. Was foolishness discouraged there, even when no clients were around to hear? Were the partners and associates friends or did their cutthroat competitiveness preclude such bonds? Would anyone there willingly spend long extra hours covering for an associate who was dealing with pressing family matters or would they all take advantage of such an opportunity to advance their own positions?
Surely someone would be kind, she told herself with an impatient shake of her head. People were people, right? She was sure there were both nice guys and jerks in the big L.A. firm. It was just on a different scale there.
She wasn’t intimidated by the thought of a large, fiercely competitive organization, she assured herself. She could definitely hold her own when necessary. She had no doubt that she could vault right over Tom in the hierarchy there if she set her mind to it, despite his head start. All she would have to do was concentrate exclusively on work, sacrifice every hint of a social life, be willing to take immediate advantage of every opportunity for her and every sign of weakness from her rivals.
A partnership would eventually be hers, she had no doubt. Her father had certainly instilled confidence in her, in addition to the other gifts he’d passed on to her. And she would have the long-term security she had always hoped for, never having to worry about money or a place to live or lack of respect from her peers.
And yet—couldn’t she find those things here? When she’d joined Nathan’s firm, she’d worried that there would be little financial security in a small-town law office. Now she didn’t foresee any slowdown in business; just the opposite, in fact. She was making a very respectable living, particularly for this area, and handling some interesting cases.
Sure, she put in long hours, but no more than she was willing to work, and certainly not as much as she would in L.A. Here she had the freedom to pursue a personal life, if she so desired. Maybe even a family. She wouldn’t be derailing her career here if she decided to, oh, marry, for example. Have children, maybe.
Family had always been important to her. Had she somehow forgotten that in her single-minded quest for career success? Had she forgotten that she had always wanted a balance between work and family, something her father had never found? She had once wished he had an important and secure career, but she had never wanted him to sacrifice all his time with his family.
Would money or a fancy house have replaced all those hours she had spent playing board games with her dad? Watching their favorite television shows together? She remembered how he’d struggled to help her with her homework. His own lack of education had been a major stumbling block for him, and he had been determined the same wouldn’t be true for his “smart, beautiful daughter.”
She’d taken guidance from her father in so many ways—pursuing an education and a car
eer and taking care of herself physically as her parents had not done for themselves. She ate well, exercised, had regular medical checkups and generally made sure her life would be better than her parents’ lives in many ways. But they had always had one thing she hadn’t seriously considered until recently. They had been rich in love.
She was standing in her office, gazing out the window at the well-tended, but winter-browning lawn behind the building, accomplishing absolutely nothing, when Nathan spoke from behind her.
“If I come in, are you going to throw something at me?”
She wasn’t particularly surprised to hear his voice. She turned to find him leaning against the frame of her open doorway. It was the same position he’d been in after her phone call from Tom on Thursday, but he wasn’t scowling this time. His expression could best be described as wary.
“Where’s Isabelle?” she asked, deciding to ignore his question.
“Mrs. T. took her to a movie, and then they’re going shopping for some warmer school uniforms.”
“I’m sure Isabelle will enjoy the outing.”
He nodded toward her still-empty desk. “Did you just get here?”
“Yes. I visited my mother this morning.”
“How is she?”
“Physically, she’s in fair shape. Mentally, there’s no change. She’s still almost completely unresponsive.”
“It must be difficult for you. Visiting her like that, I mean.”
“I’ve come to terms with her condition. I’ve learned to find some pleasure in the visits.”
Taking another step into the office, he pushed his fingertips into the front pockets of the jeans he wore with an Old Miss sweatshirt. “I was hoping I would find you here. I owe you an apology, and I wanted privacy in which to offer it.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “You don’t owe me an apology.”
“Of course I do. First for eavesdropping on your private conversation. And second for getting angry about what I overheard.”
“I should have told you Tom approached me about a possible interview with his firm. You shouldn’t have had to find out by accident.”
“It was your business, not mine.”
“And you’re my business partner,” she countered gamely. “If I had arranged for an interview, I would certainly have talked to you about it, of course. I just didn’t want to bother you with it until I decided what I was going to do.”
“I think you should set up the interview. I can cover for you here.”
She frowned at him, surprised by his suggestion. “I haven’t even decided I want to go for an interview.”
“I think you should,” he insisted. “You don’t want to let the opportunity slip away from you.”
Her crossed arms tightened. “Why are you trying to talk me into this?”
“I’m trying to tell you that I’m not going to stand in your way if big opportunities present themselves to you. This could be just the break you’ve always wanted.”
“I don’t even know if I’m interested in moving to California,” she argued. “My mother is here. And I’ve got the Smith case that’s going to keep me busy for quite a while yet.”
“In California you would have challenging cases like that all the time. And you’d make enough to move your mom out there and hire round-the-clock private nurses for her.”
“Maybe, but how many hours would I have to work for that big salary?”
“Probably not much more than you do here,” he replied with a shrug. “Look at you now, you’re in the office on a Saturday afternoon. You’re here almost every Saturday. A lot of Sundays.”
“I just don’t know if I’m ready for a big firm like that. Maybe I need a few more years of experience.”
“Caitlin, you’re ready for anything you want to do. The firm in L.A. would be lucky to have you—and don’t think they aren’t going to recognize that. They’ll very likely offer you a position on the spot.”
It suddenly occurred to her that for every argument she came up with for not going to California, Nathan found a way to counter her. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? “Do you want me to go to Los Angeles?” she demanded.
He hesitated only a moment before answering wryly, “If I thought it would keep you here, I would gladly shackle you to your desk.”
There was absolutely no reason, of course, why she should feel a surge of relief. But she did. “You don’t want me to go?”
“I absolutely, positively, unequivocally do not want you to go. And in case that isn’t clear enough—I really do not want you to go.”
She felt her lips twitch with a smile. “So you want me to stay?”
He rested a hand on his chest, just over his heart. “With every fiber of my being. With every molecule in my body. From the top of my head to the soles of my feet, I want you to stay.”
Her smile widened in response to his fervent hyperbole. “Then why were you trying so hard to talk me into going?”
“Because I want you to follow your dreams.”
She was genuinely touched by the sincerity in his voice. “And if I decide I can pursue my dreams here?”
His tense expression lightened just a little. “Then you would be fulfilling my dreams.”
Her voice was husky when she said, “Tell me about your dreams, Nathan.”
As often as she had talked about her own, it occurred to her that she had never asked about his.
He shrugged and took another step toward her, bringing him to within touching distance of her, though he kept his hands at his sides. “I’ve never wanted fame or riches. My parents came close to having both, and I saw how little happiness those things brought them. What gives me satisfaction is having the people I love—my family—close to me, safe and happy. I’ve always wanted a career I enjoy that would pay me enough to take care of my family. I’ve always wanted to be my own boss and have some freedom to pursue a few pleasures outside of the office.”
She moistened her lips. “That sounds like a nice dream.”
“There’s another part to it,” he said. “I always wanted to find someone to share that life with me. Someone who enjoys the same things I do. Someone who values family the way that I do. Someone who will stand by me when no one else does. Someone I can stand by when she pursues dreams of her own. Someone who will sit on a porch with me when we’re old and reminisce about all the good times we shared and the inevitable bad times we survived.”
“It…sounds like you’ve given this a great deal of thought.”
“You’re not the only one who has made plans for the future,” he told her softly. “I’ve always known what I wanted. I knew it when I established this law firm and when I asked you to help me make it a success.”
All those months when she had thought Nathan was just drifting happily and aimlessly through his life, he’d known exactly what he wanted for his future. In his own way he had been pursuing those goals as faithfully as she had hers. Maybe he’d been even more focused, because he’d had his plans clearly delineated in his mind, while she had been chasing after vague goals of career success she hadn’t been quite sure how to define.
Had she wanted to make the McCloud and Briley Law Firm a major player in the area’s legal community or start from the bottom in a bigger, already established firm? Had she been pursuing her own dreams or her father’s? And if family had meant so much to her in her past, why had she been following a career path that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for her to have a family of her own?
Nathan had been watching the expressions crossing her face; she wasn’t sure what he’d read in them. “If you want to go to L.A.,” he said, “I still think you should make the arrangements. And if you decide your dream is there, I want you to go for it. My goals can be pursued anywhere. Isabelle and I might just like L.A. She was born in California, you know.”
Caitlin set a hand on her desktop for support as she stared at him. “You would be willing to go to L.A. with me?”
“If that’s where you’d be happiest,” he agreed. “You and I are partners, Caitlin Briley. In work and—I hope—in every other way.”
“But this firm—your family—”
“This firm, as proud as I am of what it has become, is only a place to work. I’m a skilled attorney. I can find another position wherever we end up. As for my family, Isabelle goes where I go, and I can always come back to visit the others whenever time allows. Deborah doesn’t live in Honesty, but that doesn’t make her any less a part of the family.”
Caitlin looked at him with a deep sense of wonder. “You really do love me, don’t you?”
His smile was sympathetic, as if he understood how deeply shaken she was by the realization. “Of course. But you knew that already, didn’t you?”
She supposed she had. He’d shown her so every time he kissed her, every time he made love with her so sweetly and so tenderly. He hadn’t said the words, but he’d made his feelings quite clear.
She was the one who had held back. The one who had been so afraid to commit—and why? Fear, she thought. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of being trapped. And maybe deep inside, an old fear, that she didn’t really deserve him. A useless and groundless self-doubt left over from a childhood of living just outside the fringe of acceptable society, never quite being a part of any peer group.
She drew a deep breath. “I love you, too, you know.”
His smile was blinding. “Darling. Of course you do.”
She reached out to him then, placing her hands on either side of his handsome face. “Have you always been so confident?”
“When it comes to you? No. But I’ve never been afraid to go after what I want.”
“And you want me,” she murmured, her lips hovering very close to his.
“Sweetheart, you’ve always been a part of my plan.”
Something about that comment amused her. She was laughing softly when his mouth came down on hers, instantly transforming her humor to passion.