by Katie Cross
That wasn't what worried me.
“I'll follow,” I said.
Jayson's boots thudded lightly on the pavement as he walked around the car toward me. He spoke into a radio at his right shoulder. “Dispatch, we're going inside for a welfare check,” and a monotone voice responded, “Dispatch copy.”
Numb, my legs carried me up the path and onto the front porch, where dust collected on the furniture. Jayson rapped on the screen door, which bounced under his knuckles.
“Hey, Talmage,” he called. “Hernandez here. Just checking on you, man. Your family is worried about you.”
A creak followed, and then silence. Jayson glanced at me in question and I shrugged. When I peered past him, a sliver of light caught my attention.
“The door is open a little,” I said. “Let's go in.”
He pulled the screen and called inside, “Talmage? Oh, shit.”
I peered around him and my entire body went cold. Talmage lay sprawled out on the ground like a starfish, face pressed into the carpet. Glass littered the ground, and a mark on the wall nearby looked like someone had thrown a cup against the wall and it shattered. The back door was open, admitting warm spring air through the house in a current.
Jayson was immediately on his radio, spouting out commands I could barely process. He held out an arm to keep me back as he walked up to Talmage, glass grinding under his boots. Dispatch said something back as he reached toward my brother.
“Talmage, buddy,” Jayson called. “You with me still?”
My heart felt like a rock in my chest as Jayson reached for Talmage's neck. An interminable wait followed before Jayson turned to his radio and said, “Dispatch, I have a male, thirties, probable overdose, need priority EMS to my location.”
He turned to me with a calm demeanor and said, “Stand back for just a bit, Serafina. Help is on the way.”
21
Benjamin
“What's wrong with you?”
Maverick cuffed me on the side of the head, or tried to, but I blocked him with my forearm, then glared. He glared back.
“Nothing,” I growled.
The Diner sprawled around us with the quiet clink of glass and murmur of patrons. A game played in the background and the hiss and sizzle of what smelled like bacon drifted from the back. We sat at our usual booth across from Maverick. I felt surly as a bear after a sleepless night worrying about Ava, and Serafina, and the ghosts of women that couldn't stay in the afterlife. Maverick had ignored my annoyance that he wanted to lunch at the Diner today and insisted we come anyway. Still, I searched for Serafina, even as I feared finding her.
Dagny approached. “Where's Sera?” I asked her.
She gestured with a nod outside. “W-went somewhere with Jayson for her lunch break. He wanted t-t-to talk to her about something.”
Maverick's eyebrow rose. My stomach turned cold.
“Hernandez, you mean?” I asked.
Dagny nodded, then turned to Mav. “Coffee?”
“Usual, please.”
She disappeared before I could order water, but I knew she'd bring it. All of them knew everyone's drink preferences here. Small town life drove me nuts the way it pigeonholed people with familiarity.
What the hell, Hernandez? I thought, even as relief mingled with the suspicion. Serafina wasn't here now so I didn't have to awkwardly confront her about my coldness last night. A momentary reprieve until I figured my own mind out. But now I couldn't stop wondering where she went with Hernandez.
“You are a mess if you think she's doing anything like that with Hernandez,” Mav muttered. “Serafina has the hots for you the likes of which I haven't seen since I found Bethany.”
“I never said a word,” I snapped.
Mav leaned back. “What. Happened.”
This time, not even hammering my problems out with my fists had helped. I'd hit the bag for three hours between last night and this morning and Sadie still haunted me. This time, she brought Serafina with her. What did I say to Serafina after all this? What was the welling dread in my chest everytime I thought about her now?
“Sadie,” I finally muttered.
Maverick grimaced. “Ah.”
While I related Serafina's story, his expression only grew more grim. “I hate to speak ill of the dead, but man am I glad she's gone.”
“I can't believe she did that.”
“I can.”
Dagny returned with our usual salad and sandwich combo, but my appetite fled. I poked around my salad and tried to summon excitement for it, but all I tasted was cardboard. With a sigh, I shoved it out of my way and put my head in my hands.
“You're wrecked, brother,” Maverick said.
“I'm not.”
“You're wrecked for Sera and you think she's going to turn into Sadie.”
“You're making this crap up,” I said with a surge of rage. “Serafina is no Sadie.”
Unbothered by my glower, Mav simply picked up his sandwich. “I know that. Serafina knows that. Ava maybe even knows that. I don't think you know that.”
His self-righteous smugness made me want to put a fist right into his teeth, but I schooled it back. I knew that Serafina wouldn't turn into Sadie. She didn't have it in her. But maybe I did.
The distant ring of a phone peeled through the air, and a cook in the back barked that they'd get it.
“Whatever,” I muttered.
Maverick laughed, which only made me rage worse. Trust a brother to find something funny in this twisted situation.
“It's not just about Sera,” I said. “What the hell am I supposed to say to Ava about this with Sadie?”
“Ask her about it like the human she is.”
“She's six.”
“She's smart. You need to address it.”
I tilted my head back, gaze narrowed. “You have a two-year-old, what do you know?”
Mav laughed. “I've always known more than you, brother. Especially when it comes to people. Besides, it's what Bethany would do with Ellie after she first showed up, and that girl was a mess at a young age. Just like Ava. It works.”
My phone buzzed on my thigh. Grateful for a distraction, I pulled it out. My gut clenched when Serafina's name flashed across the front. I opened it.
Serafina: Sorry to do this last minute, but can I have the afternoon off?
Seconds after I read it, a voice called from the back.
“Dagny, Fina's out for the rest of the day.”
Dagny lifted a hand in acknowledgment as she pulled an order and hustled to another table. My brow creased.
“What's up now?” Mav asked.
“Serafina. She just asked for the day off.”
“Why?”
“Don't know.”
My fingers tapped out a quick reply.
Benjamin: Sure. Everything okay?
I waited five minutes, but no reply came. When Dagny slipped by, I called out to her and she sidled back over.
“Where did Sera and Hernandez go?” I asked.
She shrugged.
“Did you hear any of their conversation?”
“N-n-no. She g-got him something to drink, he a-asked some questions, and they l-l-left.”
“Go after that girl, Ben,” Mav said and tossed a sandwich crust back on his plate as Dagny walked away. “Go after her right now.”
“I don't know where she is!”
“Find her.”
I sent him an exasperated glare. “Find her? You want me to just stop training my new guy and go after her? Responsibility doesn't work like that, Mav. We aren't all our own bosses and can do whatever we want.”
“Wrong.” He tossed the crust at me and I chucked it back. “You are your own boss. You can leave anytime you want, you just won't. You choose not to.”
“I'm earning money to raise my daughter with!”
He scoffed. “Please, Ben. Save that for Mom, or someone else that's willing to coddle you. You're avoiding your problems by staying at work. Just like right now
. Something happened with Sadie, so now you're freaked about Sera and you're going to go back to work instead of find her. She's with the town deputy, you idiot, and she has a druggie brother. What kind of math do you think this adds up to?”
He held up both hands before I could articulate any sort of response.
“I'm just saying that something is wrong and she probably needed help.”
That thought had already occurred to me, and I didn't like it. Didn't like it for so many, many reasons. The greatest of which was Hernandez was helping, not me. Why didn't she ask me? Because I'd been a cold idiot last night and she'd done nothing wrong.
Plus, I didn't want it to be right. It couldn't be right. I still hadn't figured out why I felt such need and terror over Serafina, and why Sadie hovered over me like an angry thing. While I craved Serafina, she terrified me at the same time.
“If you want to keep this one,” Mav said, “go after her. Find her. Call Hernandez. Do whatever you have to to show up for her, Ben, the way she's shown up for you. That's how this love thing works. I know you didn't have anything real with Sadie so you're sort of a toddler with relationships, but you can have it now.”
My phone rattled on the table. Sadie's school name popped up and sent a pang of anxiety through my chest. I answered it immediately.
“Yeah?”
A broken little voice, filled with tears, came through the line. “Daddy?”
“Yeah, honey. You okay?”
“I'm sick. Can you come and get me?”
“I'll be right there.”
“Okay.”
She hung up without another word. I looked to Mav with smug irony. “Pay for lunch, will you? My daughter is sick and needs me. That is how this love thing works.”
Ava's face had finally relaxed out of the scrunched grimace that it had been for the last thirty minutes. I ran a hand over her head, slightly warm, and let it rest there. She opened her eyes to look at me, her lips turned down in a miserable expression. A bucket lay on the floor nearby, ready for her next round of retching.
“You okay?”
She nodded, but tears lingered in the corners of her eyes. “I don't like throwing up,” she whispered.
My nose wrinkled. “It's the worst.”
She nodded.
“Let me get you some more fizzy stuff, okay? Just sip it. It will help you feel better.”
As I stood up, relieved that her stomach seemed to have finally calmed—she'd thrown up twice on the way home and five times since we got back—she tilted her head back on her pillow.
“Where's Sera?”
“She had to take the day off.”
Her forehead scrunched. “Why?”
“I don't know.”
Disappointed, she relaxed back against the pillow. Cartoon ponies quietly flickered across the television on the wall as I ruffled her hair and made my way back to the kitchen. Bethany had come from the Frolicking Moose with various drinks and home remedies after I desperately texted her for help. My thumb hovered over Serafina's name on my text message list, but skimmed past.
Hernandez. Her brother. It all ran through my head.
No, she had her own life. Just because I felt so deeply about her so quickly didn't mean she had to be available at my every beck and call. Besides, this very situation proved out a deep-rooted fear that haunted me ever since she first popped up: I couldn't be fair to her. I would be the Sadie in our relationship. The pull, pull, pull. The unfair drain on energy and resources. I wanted to help Serafina right now, but I couldn't. Ava had to come first.
Ava always came first.
Maybe this was a good experience. A reminder of the responsibilities in my life and where they fit before we dove too far into whatever magic had started to bloom. A shiver skimmed my body when I thought of Serafina's kiss.
I packed a few sippy cups with different drinks, grabbed a package of crackers, and set it all within arms reach of Ava. She had her arms around a ragged stuffed giraffe that she slept with every night and her eyes glued to the screen. While I collapsed onto the couch next to her, my thoughts spun to work. The new trainee. The paperwork for Stella to finalize some accounting.
Sadie.
Serafina.
Sadie.
Maverick's annoyance haunted me. You're avoiding your problems by staying at work. That didn't sit well. Maybe because it could be true. Not that it was, but it could be. Certainly, I avoided coming home because I hated this empty house with so many responsibilities. And today, I was not in the mood to figure out just how deep that went. Not with the heaping elephant of Sadie fat on my mind.
Instead, I put my hand on my daughter's leg. She glanced at me, then back to the screen. Just when I thought her contempt for me couldn't have gotten any worse, and Sadie's wishes for a damaged relationship between me and Ava would actualize, Ava shuffled. Seconds later, a bright purple pillow landed in my lap. Ava sprawled on top of it, giraffe in her arms, and whispered, “Will you play with my hair, daddy? It makes me feel better.”
“You bet,” I said.
And somewhere, deep in my chest, my hidden heart finally cracked. Maybe she didn't hate me.
Maybe the two of us could do this.
22
Serafina
The slow plod of Talmage's heartbeat rang in my ears as I sat next to his gurney, my head in my hands.
Nurses quietly bustled in and out as they administered fluids and medications meant to counteract whatever drugs they suspected he'd taken in. They'd already drawn labs, saying words like toxicology and electrolytes and I numbly relayed all the verbiage to my Dad over text. Mom would show up tonight after a red-eye flight into Jackson City, where the hospital awaited.
Talmage was conscious now, but his eyes were closed. Misery was etched onto his features. We hadn't spoken. There wasn't much to say. Amber hovered in my mind's eye, and I wondered what hole she'd skulked to while my brother lay dying. Had she thrown the shattered glass? Had he?
In the calm, my mind replayed through each moment again and again. Jayson's heroic actions and reassurance. The chatter of dispatch with updates. The sirens as they twirled down the road from the local volunteer fire department. I'd splattered myself against the wall to stay out of the way and prayed Talmage would wake back up. He woke up once they administered some medication all right, nearly a violent mess.
Then I rode in the ambulance with the volunteer driver and EMT all the way up the canyon, spitting out as much knowledge as I had about my brother for their paperwork. Then I said it all again in the ER.
And, in the back of my mind, I still thought of Amber.
Amber his dealer.
Amber, the woman that moonlighted in his life as a girlfriend, but only really cared about herself.
Amber who had stolen my brother.
This wasn't entirely her fault. Talmage was a grown man and made his own decisions. A hearty portion of my grief and rage pinned precisely on his responsible shoulders. If it wasn't Amber, maybe it would be someone else.
But maybe not.
If he hadn't met her, would he have started into street drugs? The question would forever remain unanswered, because Amber was a thorn in our side until Talmage let her go.
Talmage's phone, which I'd fished out of his jeans after they'd stripped him, put him into a gown, and let me into his ER space, lingered in my palm. It was a crappy old flip phone that I didn't know they even made these days. I remembered when he sent me a selfie from the new smartphone he'd bought last year, in which he glared and said via text selfies are stupid and then sent a GIF that made me laugh so hard I cried.
Had he sold it for drug money?
My heart turned back over as I looked at the text message thread between them.
Amber: come up with enough. I can bring it over but I'm not giving you more without cash
* * *
Talmage: can't sell the truck
* * *
Amber: or won't
* * *
Talma
ge: don't mess with me Amber. I need more right now
* * *
Amber: i'll contact my guy and be over tonight
That last message came yesterday at 4:13. Presumably, Amber had showed up at some point after that. Whatever she'd given Talmage, he'd overdosed on. Did she stay? Did she realize what happened and bail so she wouldn't get into trouble? Most likely. She and I had a reckoning that brewed in our future.
My nostrils flared with rage at Amber, at Talmage, and life in general. The man on the cot was wasting away. His house had been unkempt and filthy, like he hadn't even tried in days. It made me want to take a shower. I didn't even know him anymore, and that was something I deeply mourned. How long would this spiral last?
And where did it end?
At a morgue, probably.
My eyes felt like sandpaper as I closed them and rubbed my forehead. We'd been in the ER for almost ten hours. Another deputy lingered just outside his room, waiting for medical clearance to take him to book at the county jail.
After that, I had no idea what came next. The note on Talmage's door had been obscure, something about money owed. Bills littered his counter, unopened. Would he default on his mortgage soon?
The time crept steadily toward midnight. Weary, I rubbed my forehead. Jayson and I had found Talmage sometime around 11:45 am. Mom's flight came in at 11:15 tonight. Or was it midnight? The world felt blurry. Ava popped into my head. Was Benjamin able to find someone else to take care of her? Did he take time off of work? Most likely, she just hung out with him at work again.
The thought made me unaccountably sad. Weirdness with Benjamin aside, I missed them both tonight. I should have explained to Benjamin what happened with Talmage, but it all occured so quickly. How did I text that sort of thing anyway? Brother overdosed and might be dead. Can't come into work today. I'd called work and texted him before the ambulance even showed up. Disappointment that he hadn't followed up or checked on me came next, but I brushed that aside.