by Melissa Blue
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
She stayed and didn't talk as they stared at the stars. Neither helped.
*****
No music greeted her when she entered her home, but Cal sat on the couch. His expression had a hard, somber set to it. How many times had he done this for her? She could only think of Angelo. Then she'd been spitting mad, at first. He'd cheated on her, in front of the entire world. Cal had stood by when she called and tore her ex a new asshole. He'd stood by for the next month or so, as her name remained in the press, some new secret revealed.
Cal had listened or nodded or fed her whenever any relationship after that ended. He was fun, charming, solid and she didn't love him like that. She hadn't asked him to wait but she damn sure hadn't told him to move on, there was no chance of a reconciliation. They wouldn't be college sweethearts that took the long way around.
Tears welled up again. It was all his fucking fault. Wade had ripped away her blinders. Her steps felt like leaden weights as she walked to her friend of umpteen years, but could she call him a friend if he'd been waiting to love her as more?
God, she hated him. Why did Wade make her see this?
She collapsed on the couch, making sure there was plenty of space between them. “Cal,” she started and had to stop. She didn't want to break his heart. She knew what that was like. It made the fetal position a safe space.
“What did he do?” he asked, his voice dark, angry.
“He asked me to meet him half way and I couldn't.”
Her friend blinked. “What?”
“I was mad about the interview, and he told me...” She glanced at Cal. Telling him about Wade's disorder didn't feel right. It was his secret to tell. “He told me that I was just waiting for him to fuck up, and he was right. He was right about a lot.”
“I'm sorry.”
She could hear the sincerity, and that made it worse. “I want nothing more to bury my face in your shoulder and cry. I want you to cook me something decadent and sweet. I want you to be everything but...” She searched for the word. “I want you to be everything but mine, and I should because you're the perfect guy. You know everything about me and I know you would never tell anyone. We get along, we can compromise, but I don't love you in that way and I never have.”
Cal glanced off toward the window. “I fucking hate that guy,” he muttered.
To her surprise, Sophie laughed. “Would the situation be better if you knew the feeling was mutual?”
“The first time we met I knew that much.” He pulled a hand through his hair. “I love you, Sophie. Don't—”
“Don't, what? Tell you the truth? You have to know. I can't let you believe anything can come out of us other than friendship. And even then...”
He shut his eyes. “Don't.”
“If I fall in love with someone else, it's going to kill you.”
“When,” he corrected and opened his eyes. “And, yeah, it already has.”
She broke at that, and like always Cal offered his shoulder as she cried. She curled into herself instead. He didn't tell her everything would be all right. They'd been friends too long for that to ever be the truth. Useless words anyway. Wade had tipped her world. She had to learn to live in it sideways.
Sophie didn't know how long she cried but Cal sat there, waiting. Always. That dug in. She'd asked Wade to wait like that, because what she felt for him terrified her. How could she not rip herself open for him? What could he do with that power? A power not even Angelo had.
“I have to move out,” he said, breaking her thoughts. “I've forgotten what it's like to pay regular rent.”
“I can't remember either.” She looked at him and he wore a resigned expression. She felt miserable at what she'd done to the men in her life, because of fear.
And Wade...
His quiet acceptance of their end hollowed her out. For weeks he'd filled her with happiness, anger, irritation, desire, passion, curiosity and in a few minutes he'd taken it all back.
What was left?
She took Cal's hand and squeezed. Instead of swimming in the horribleness of the moment, she reached for humor. “I'm going to starve to death.”
He laughed. “You are. I was such a bad friend. I didn't teach you how to cook, at all.”
“You can't move out tonight.”
“Let's be honest, Sophie, since it's the night for it. Teaching you to make something edible, outside of fried chicken, is going to take a miracle.”
“Screw you,” she said but laughed.
He sighed and rested his forehead on hers. “Why is it him?”
She put her hand to his cheek. “It's not. We're over.”
“Only because you're too scared.”
Knowing that, Sophie still she couldn't bring herself to go to Wade and to make everything all right. If she ran when the relationship got hard, what would keep her when things got real? When Wade had another episode? When she had to trust he loved her despite the words coming out of his mouth? He'd need her to love him more. To stay.
Another rush of tears threatened to fall. She straightened from Cal, his comfort. She didn't deserve it.
“What's the first thing you're going to teach me to cook?”
Cal nodded in understanding. Keep it light. “Boiling an egg.”
“I'm not that bad.”
“2012.”
“My client...” She stopped that argument because it had taken a week to get the stench of burnt egg out of the house. On bad days, if she sniffed in the right place in the kitchen, she could still smell it. “Fine.”
“And Wade?”
Sophie shifted on the couch until she could hug her knees. The last thing Wade would want was pity. He might even see empathy in the same light. His pride wasn't a shield, just a simple part of him. The smartest person in the room had what he would see as a defective brain. Through theories and math, he could fathom the whole of the universe when most people couldn't grasp Earth hurtling through space.
He'd told her once, showed her. She'd loved that he'd taken the time to explain, had cared enough to make sure she got it and she had melted because a man who could understand all that saw her. In comparison to the universe, she was as significant.
And still she couldn't force herself to jump in and go along for the ride with him.
“I don't know, Cal.”
“Can we agree that I know you?”
“Probably better than I know myself.”
“Since I'm feeling selfless, I'll say this: Wade is the real deal, the fucker. He...” Cal shook his head. “He got inside you somehow in a way I never could. The only question now isn't will the lows beat the highs.”
“What is it?”
“When things get ugly who do you want at your side?”
“Dammit.” Her throat tightened, and it was hard to breath around the lump.
If she had to face down anything, Wade was the one she'd want. He was an ass, he was imposing, clever, a fighter—any monsters they would ever face should be scared of him. He didn't back down unless it was for her.
And when he had the opportunity to hurt her, to dig in the knife, he held her as she'd cried.
“Why couldn't you have told me this last week? I wouldn't have ruined everything.”
Cal's smile was bittersweet. “Time is relative?”
In the space of a very short time, she'd fallen in love again, lost her best friend, and fucked up the best thing she'd ever had. Yeah. Time was relative.
“What if he doesn't believe me? I've told him I was ready before when I wasn't.”
“Then only go to him when you are.” Cal sighed. “Because I can look at you and know you don't believe it yet.”
She wasn't. No matter how much she wanted to be ready, to let go of the doubts to...not be broken, she couldn't mend. “You know what I'm not going to miss?”
“Me being right late at night. I know. It's a curse.”
Sophie l
aughed again. “So not going to miss that.”
But everything else, she would. He may have loved her, and hoped she loved him back, but he was a friend, a real one. She wouldn't take a single moment back.
“Tomorrow and the next few weeks are going to be tough on us,” she said.
“Yeah.”
She offered her hand to help him up from the couch. “The cooking lessons start tonight.”
“Where's the fire?”
Hours. That's the amount of time she'd lived without Wade. Hours and she felt hollow. She didn't want to live with that kind of hole inside her.
But she couldn't go to him. Not yet. She wasn't ready. She didn't trust herself to not hurt him again. He'd said no one deserved to be stuck with him. He was wrong. It was the other way around.
Sophie looked Cal in the eye and lied, “I really don't want to starve to death.”
He frowned. “Okay, Sophie.”
Small steps and soon she'd be running to Wade, not from him.
CHAPTER
3.07055=(0.5n)(sin 21.1765)(1)
Routine was the balm for the weary, and Wade would have welcomed it. Unfortunately when he opened his apartment door to start his new running regimen, Victor's happy face greeted him.
The bland stare started at his feet and worked up. Victor didn't look amused at any of it. “Why are you wearing sweats and shitty trainers?”
“Going for a run.”
He sighed. “Fuck me in the ass.”
“What?”
“I'm your shadow until Porter takes a shift, and that means I'm going for a run now.”
Three days since he'd last seen Sophie and his friends didn't believe he was fine, and that the break up hadn't or wouldn't trigger an episode. The latter was the truth. No hypomanic symptoms in sight.
The rest… Yeah, that was a fucking lie. He wasn't even man-fine, but they could have at least let him have the lie. The situation was his own fault though. Grady assumed the worst when Wade had sat with Eva. The woman simply knew how to stop talking and let him be.
Since he'd put the doomsday plan together, he knew they'd all breathe in unison for a few days. He didn't have to like it or even behave.
Wade clapped his friend on the shoulder. “If you get in a good stretch, you shouldn't cramp up.”
Victor's dimple lined his cheek. “You're a jackass, but I'll have the last laugh.”
Took Wade a moment to think why. “Hell. Basic training.”
“I could carry you up a hill on my shoulder, running. So if you stretch real good, maybe you won't puke once I'm done with you.”
An hour later, Victor tossed him a water bottle from the fridge. Wade swished it in his mouth and spit in the sink. The rancid taste of bile still lingered at the back of his throat. He glared at his friend who had taken off his shirt and used it to mop the sweat on his face.
“You ran like this every morning in the service?”
“Just about.” Victor crossed his arms, the shirt hanging from his fingertips.
“Better man than I.”
“I'm not. Are we going to talk about it?”
And this was why he'd rather be left alone. Every single person had crawled up his ass to make a home. “The state of the world? Grady still doesn't know Eva's pregnant? Oliver's need to wear the same brand of shoes since he was sixteen?”
“Guess not.” Victor said in a flat tone. “Are we showing up for your fundraiser in a few days?”
“If you want. I'll make a short boring speech, smile like an idiot and try not to get drunk while my boss is watching.”
“Sounds like fun, and...” He glanced at his hand as though words were written on it. “...I have plans that night. Sorry can't go.”
Wade laughed then swallowed the water this time. “Why I didn't send invites.”
Victor wiped his face again and nodded. “Will Sophie be there?”
Sneaky bastard. “Just say it or you'll keep pecking at this.”
“Why'd you let her run?” Victor shook his head as though he could read the thoughts on Wade's face. “Hypocritical bastard. Do you know what you said to me?”
When Victor had fucked things up with Ashley, Wade had given him a motivational speech to do right the thing. “I remember.”
“You told me that I was a chickenshit if I let my fear of hurting Ashley keep us from being together. And what do you do when you're in the same situation?” Victor stepped forward, right in his face. “I know you. You picked a fight or started one?”
Wade pushed away from the sink and Victor. “I didn't.” He'd finished the fight.
“Did you get in her face and tell her she had only one choice? What did you do, Wade?” Victor pushed his shoulder. “Doesn't matter, because I know what you were telling yourself, in the back of your mind. She was better off without you anyway.” Another push. “If your own parents wanted nothing to do with you, how could she look past your faults and care about you?”
Wade shoved him back. “Fuck you.”
“Did you make it worse for Sophie and tell her 'I love you?' Bet you did, because that's the kind of man you are. You dig in the knife and twist. Most people don't even know you've stabbed them.”
He jerked his head to the side, unable to meet his friend's hard gaze. “Don't say her name.”
“Eva coddled you. I won't. You're going to go to that fundraiser and make things right.”
He kept his voice low. “Or what?”
The dimple creased his face again and he stepped back. “I don't know. We've already decided to watch you in shifts to make sure you don't slip into an episode. I'm sure Ashley would like to know why if it lasts for weeks instead of a few days.”
He waved that off. “You wouldn't tell Ashley.”
“My friend pissed away his chance to be with someone who could tolerate him. Wouldn't I do worse?”
Victor would go to the ends of the earth for him. “You're a rat bastard.”
“That's being polite, because now I'm thinking Grady could have a chat with Dr. Scott. The university and the observatory have that great relationship. They send over interns all the time. Your publicity is good for both institutions. A year run should really do the trick. Wouldn't take much to talk Eva into building you a website. Porter could run your twitter account, Facebook. He does a really great impression of you when he's drunk. You'll be popular in no time. People would be banging down your door to get you to show up and talk.”
Wade should have been mad. He was impressed with that much forethought to make his life a living hell. “And you?”
“I'll be here every morning to keep up your morale. You know, be a ray of fucking sunshine. We can run. We can laugh. Play games. I can ask about Sophie until you murder me. The choice is really up to you, Wade.”
If anyone could take his bite, it was Victor. “Doesn't sound like much of one.”
“Exactly.”
He thought about it for a second. When Victor put his mind to it, he could plan out something this diabolical, but his friend stayed out of people's business. Not that he didn't care. He'd make some grumbling noises, a push or two and then leave well enough alone. This was a hammer approach and Wade was the nail.
“Ashley found out I broke up with Sophie and sent you over here.”
The dimple flashed again. “Oh, yeah. She called everyone, but she started with me. Thanks, asshole. You had to run your mouth to Eva and you they are friends and they talk.”
Wade sighed wistfully. “End of an era.”
“Think about that the next time you try to call us the Pussy-Whipped Brigade.”
Wade still would. “Threats don't fix the problem though.”
“Then figure out a way to make her feel safe with you.”
Wade blinked at that. “What do you mean?”
“I did all that research on her. I imagined if all that shit, all my shit, was up on the Internet. How could I trust anyone after that? I'd have to know they wouldn't fuck me over. Without a shadow of the d
oubt. How long would that take? What would they have to do to prove it to me? Is it even possible? The guy she loved did that to her. How fucked up.”
Put like that...He imagined national magazines talking about his bipolar, his nuanced diagnosis, details of his month in a mental facility. Then every detail he poured out about his parents, his brothers...all spilled out in print for anyone to read. All told by someone he loved.
His stomach dropped. “I am dumber than a brick.”
Victor pulled his shirt back on and smiled. “Dense runs in the family.”
“Fuck off,” he said. “I need to shower.”
“You forgot, I'm your shadow until you get Sophie back. So what are we doing at work today?”
Two days, he had two days to come up with a way to make Sophie feel safe or he was going to choke his friends in three. The latter should be his strongest motivation, but Sophie...his bones ached from missing her. He didn't want to know what the rest of his life felt like without her.
*****
In eleven hours Sophie would have to face Wade, and she wasn't ready. She threw the broccoli back on top of the pile and ran her fingers through her hair. This was useless. The list of ingredients, the precise recipe Cal had written out, all fucking useless. She glanced around the grocery store and tried to tell herself crying in the produce aisle was inefficient. Definitely wouldn't help her make a cheddar broccoli soup to go with her steak and rice.
Her gaze caught on a short woman, beautiful and practically glowing from the golden hue of her eyes and skin.
“Shit.” Sophie angled her body to hide her face. Her small basket hit a display of vegetables and some tumbled to the floor. She could be a good citizen or head anywhere Ashley wouldn't see her.
Sophie high-stepped over the bushels, and did her best not to draw any attention to herself as she beat a retreat.
“Fancy seeing you here,” came from behind her.
She closed her eyes. It was a small college town. Sooner or later she'd have run into Ashley or Eva or any of the Goon Squad. Putting on her hey-girlfriend face, Sophie turned to Ashley.
“Hey, how are you?”