by Julie Caplin
‘The apartment is lovely. Look.’
Using her phone, Sophie gave Kate a quick tour of the apartment, showing her the deck first before the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom.
‘That shower is to die for,’ said Kate when Sophie finally returned to her breakfast-bar perch.
‘Yup, it is rather nice.’
‘Now all you need is a nice man to share it with you.’
‘Kate!’
‘Well, I’ve been thinking.’
Sophie winced.
‘I saw that. Meeting Ben after Josh was the best thing that happened to me. You need a rebound man.’
‘A rebound man?’
‘Yes. Someone to have some fun with to help you get over James. A fling.’
‘I’m fine,’ said Sophie severely.
‘What time is it there?’ asked Kate, surprising Sophie with the sudden change in subject.
‘It’s six-thirty.’
‘Six-thirty?’ Kate’s voice sounded accusing.
‘Yes.’
‘Six-thirty on a Friday night and you’re home alone. You’ve been there two weeks. You haven’t been to the Empire State Building. You haven’t been to Central Park. Have you?’
Unable to lie, Sophie shook her head.
‘You haven’t done anything, have you?’ Concern shimmered in the other girl’s face, evident even through Facetime blurriness.
Sophie pulled a face at Kate.
‘I’m worried about you.’
‘Don’t. I’m fine. Honest. It takes a while to get your bearings. Everyone’s so busy and it feels like life goes at such a speed here. I’ve met lots of people.’ Sophie crossed her fingers out of sight. ‘My landlady Bella runs the bakery downstairs. She’s very friendly. Lives upstairs.’ Sophie wasn’t about to confess to Kate that she hadn’t seen Bella since she arrived two weeks ago. ‘And her cousin, Todd, he works at the magazine. Writes the Man About Town column. He’s really nice. He’s been really helpful at work. Showed me the subway station on my first day. Helped me crack security at the magazine.’ She told Kate the full story and then told her about Madison, and Todd volunteering his desk.
‘He sounds rather nice,’ said Kate.
Sophie laughed. ‘Nice doesn’t come close. Todd is drop-dead gorgeous. Look him up on the magazine website. He’s also a grade-A womaniser. Not my type at all. Everyone at work is very nice and I’ve got so much to do to get up to speed. Taking over someone else’s job is—’
‘Oooh! Talk about blue eyes.’ Kate’s head was turned to the laptop to her left. ‘He is gorgeous.’
‘Good photography,’ said Sophie instantly, remembering her first reaction to Todd’s by-line picture on the website.
‘Methinks you doth protest too much,’ said Kate.
‘He’s well out of my league and very popular with the ladies. There’s a nice guy in advertising.’
‘Ah-ha,’ said Kate.
‘You’re like a bloody terrier, woman. I’ve only been here five minutes. It’s going to take time to get my bearings and get to know people.’
Kate’s mouth firmed. ‘No Soph, not normally.’ There was a long pause. ‘Not with you. You make friends with everyone, instantly. I think you’re hiding away. That’s not like you, Soph. Be honest. I’m worried about you. I thought getting away from London would be good for you and that New York would be a new start. It feels like you’re hibernating.’
Sophie stiffened. This was why she’d avoided calling or Facetiming anyone back home. Thankfully her parents were away on a six-month cruise and she could get away with brief texts and WhatsApp messages. In the throes of packing and closing up the house they’d been distracted enough not to ask too many questions about her hasty decision to move to New York, and she might have just omitted to tell them about James.
Kate’s face stared solemnly at her from the phone screen and in the corner her own scared face stared back at her. The words ‘cornered rabbit’ had never been truer.
For a minute she tried to think of a dozen other things to say, but she couldn’t lie, not to Kate, and the horrible truth she’d been trying to avoid came spilling out.
‘I miss him. I know he’s a shit. I know he lied his arse off. I hate him.’ Her heart clenched and she sucked in a breath. ‘But I … I miss him.’ She was not going to cry. ‘So much. It’s like there’s this huge hole. Everything I knew and thought … it’s like it’s been scrubbed out and there’s nothing left. I feel empty and it feels impossible to look forward. I’m too busy looking back. Everything I thought … it wasn’t anything. It was based on one huge lie. Part of me still can’t believe it. And I still … I still love him. And I hate that I do.’ Her mouth crumpled and she blinked hard. ‘I really hate that I … s-still …’
‘Oh Soph, sweetie. I wish I was there. I’m sorry.’ Kate held her hand over her mouth, her eyes semaphoring worry and concern. ‘You’re so far away. I wish I hadn’t encouraged you to go now.’
Sophie sucked in another breath, feeling it catch in her chest. She couldn’t do this to Kate. It wasn’t fair. With real effort, she forced a smile onto her face. ‘Kate Sinclair, don’t you dare start feeling guilty. I chose to come here. And I wanted to. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. You’re right. I haven’t been trying enough. I haven’t been trying at all. Must try harder. I promise this weekend I will go out and start exploring. And I’ll make a bit more effort at work to get to know a few people.’
Kate gave her a watery smile. ‘Atta girl. Sorry, I didn’t mean to nag. I miss you.’
‘I miss you too, but I promise I’m … or I will be OK. But you’re right. I’ve been hibernating. From now on, I’ll get out there.’
Sophie closed her eyes as she switched off her phone. Without Kate’s voice, the apartment felt alien and empty. It was far too soon to go to bed, which was what she did most nights when the loneliness got too much to bear. Although most nights she was still awake at eleven. Staring up at the ceiling. Wishing she could turn the clock back. But that was cowardly, and it couldn’t change what James had done. Being ignorant didn’t make it any better. Or remove all the lies.
There was a particular crack on the ceiling. It curved from the window to the corner of the room, widening at the two-thirds mark before narrowing and disappearing again. It had become a visual reminder of her battle to keep thoughts of James at bay, as if they were crowding behind that crack, trying to work their way through, and that’s when she had to work extra hard not to think of him. Not to think of all those evenings pottering happily in the kitchen, cooking special meals for him. Not to remember waking up in the mornings with his tousled dark head next to hers. Not to long for those evenings simply snuggled up on the sofa, slobbing out after work, watching some TV detective series they both enjoyed.
With a sigh, she stood up and tucked the phone in her pocket as she looked around the kitchen. Had Kate picked up on how spotless the place was? How unnaturally she’d overdone things the previous weekend when she’d binge-watched nineteen episodes of Friends.
Through the open window she could hear laughter floating up from the street, the pounding bass from a passing car, and smell the warm city air, a smoky mix of onions and diesel. Brooklynites had come out to play on Friday night. She stood by the window for a while, people watching. A group of young men in jeans, baggy T-shirts and back-to-front baseball caps walked together, nudging and teasing each other as they loped along the pavement, moving aside for single late returners from work, determinedly walking the last leg of their commute, bearing shopping bags like champions bringing home the bread. The cheerful noise and bustle below heightened her sense of aloneness and the paralysis that seemed to have set in, stopping her from leaving the apartment.
What she hadn’t told Kate was that she doubted her own judgement. It had proved so false, some days she found it impossible to make a decision. It wasn’t as if she’d even decided consciously to come to New York. There was no weighing up the pros and cons, examining
what it would really entail. No, she’d grabbed at the offer, grasping it with desperate, greedy hands as if it were a life-raft amidst the storm of fear, rage and utter despair.
Just as she was about to shut the window, she heard a loud rattle from inside the building, followed by a bang, a crash and then a loud curse. ‘You’re fucking kidding me.’
Hurrying to her door, she opened it and ventured to the top of the stairs. In an ungainly tangle of limbs, Bella sprawled on the landing at the top of the next flight of stairs below. Sophie hurried down.
‘What happened?’ she asked as she helped Bella up.
Wide-eyed, Bella clutched her hand to her chest. She’d clearly given herself quite a fright. Sucking in a quick breath, she said, ‘Tripped on the last step. For a horrible darn minute, I thought I was going to take a header straight down.’ Bella’s lip quivered and she hauled herself to a seated position, rubbing at her knee. With a sniff she nodded, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
‘Are you OK?’ asked Sophie, feeling useless, standing over Bella.
‘I will b-be in a mo.’ She closed her eyes tight and carried on rubbing at her knee, her teeth gnawing at her lip. ‘I daren’t look. I’m trying to think really positive here, but right now I can’t think of a single angle. Are they all completely ruined?’
Sophie peered down at the frosting-spattered stairs. A rainbow of bright blobs of red, yellow, blue and green was liberally dotted everywhere. Paintball splats on virtually every tread.
‘Difficult to tell. Some of them … might … be salvageable.’ The doubt was clear in her voice. From here they looked pretty battered.
‘Aw, shit!’ Bella angrily dashed at the lone tear that escaped. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit. I just spent the last three hours icing six dozen of the little fuckers for an engagement party tomorrow, and now I’ve dropped half of them.’ She rested her head on her knees, hugging them, saying in a muffled voice, ‘I’m supposed to be delivering them before I open up tomorrow morning.’ She lifted her head, sniffing as more tears ran down her face. ‘I’m going to have to s-start over,’ her breath hitched, ‘and I’m … so tired.’ She burst into noisy sobs.
‘Hey, it’s alright.’ Even though she didn’t know Bella that well, Sophie sank down beside her on the top step and put her arm around her shoulder.
After several ragged breaths and discreet sniffs, Bella calmed down. ‘Shit, I’m sorry. I’m not a crier but … it’s been a tough one.’ She started to rise. ‘Aw, sheesh, look at the mess. What the hell am I going to do? It’s going to take forever to clean this up and then I’m going to have bake a new batch and let them cool before I can decorate them.’
Sophie put a firm hand on her shoulder. ‘Just take a minute.’
Together they surveyed the wreckage. ‘Rainbow cakes?’ asked Sophie.
‘Yeah, I’m starting to regret that now. I store commissions upstairs because there’s not enough room in the kitchen downstairs.’
‘Well, it makes for a good show,’ said Sophie, trying not to smile. There really was colour just about everywhere.
Bella let out a tiny giggle as together they surveyed the vibrant mess. ‘I never do anything by halves.’
‘Perhaps you’ve missed your calling. You could always take up interior decorating. It looks very colourful.’ Together they burst out laughing.
‘OK,’ said Sophie, suddenly feeling like her old self. ‘First things first. We identify all those that are salvageable. You can probably scrape off the icing and redecorate some of them.’
‘I dunno.’ Bella winced, her face already looking a bit brighter. ‘Some look pretty darned battered. It was one of those spectacular toss-’em-all-up-in-the-air babies.’ She shook her head, a couple of red curls escaping her scarf. ‘I guess I’m lucky I didn’t take a header after them.’
‘Why don’t you sit down, have a coffee and a rest? You look quite shaken up and you probably want some ice on that knee. And then I can start cleaning up down here and we can make a plan. I can help. Be your assistant. And with two of us, it’ll be a lot easier.’
Bella stopped and looked back up the stairs. ‘It’s Friday night? Aren’t you on your way out somewhere?’
‘No. Thought I’d have a night in.’ Sophie’s smile was so brittle, she wondered if her face might crack.
‘Normally I’d say no, it’s fine, but I’m so pooped, I could really use the help. But I … I can’t let you clean up.’
‘Yes, you can,’ said Sophie with a determined glint in her eye. ‘Leave it to me. Give me that tray, and have you got a bin bag?’
Sophie helped Bella hobble up to her flat and settled her in a seat, with a bag of frozen corn on her knee. Bella’s flat was similar in layout to the one below, except it had a ladder reaching up to the ceiling in the kitchen and a lot of empty shelves, with plastic cupcake holders.
‘I normally transport the cakes in those, but they only hold a dozen and I was being lazy and trying to do one trip down the stairs, so I put them on a tray. Serves me right.’
Bella pointed her in the direction of cleaning cloths, and Sophie carried a washing-up bowl down the stairs to deal with the mess. As she scooped up the random dollops of buttercream, she smiled to herself. This was not the most glamorous way of spending Friday night, but it beat not having anything to do.
Half an hour later, Sophie had just about finished when Bella came hobbling down the stairs clutching a bottle of wine and two glasses.
‘What’s the damage?’ asked Bella wearily as she stood on the last step. ‘I brought vital supplies.’ She held up the bottle.
With a frown, Sophie indicated the tray to her left on the hall console table. ‘Ten can be re-done. But the rest are goners, I’m afraid.’
‘Sheesh, that bad. It’s gonna be a late one. Although dinner’s sorted. As much as you can eat mashed-up cake.’ She grabbed one of the cakes. ‘If you scrape the dust off.’
Sophie grinned. ‘I already ate, but for wine, I’m happy to stay, help and be your sous chef.’
‘Are you sure? It’s Friday evening and the night’s still young. I’m plain sad, there’s no need for you to be too.’
Sophie responded with a shrug and a half-laugh. ‘It’s not like I’m doing anything else tonight.’
Bella gave her a narrow-eyed stare. ‘Sorry I’ve been mega-busy. I should have been more neighbourly and been in to say hi. You’ve been here two weeks. I can’t believe that. But it’s gone so darned fast. Come on.’ She waved the bottle and glasses and led the way through a side door. ‘This takes us straight into the kitchen. I keep thinking that maybe I should have gone into catering. Someone said to me last week that’ – she bookmarked with her fingers – ‘“Cupcakes are so last year and wedding cakes are too specialised.” There’s more money in general catering – you know, finger food and buffets. But seriously, what would you rather have? A great big sugar-kiss delivered in a little work of art in a cupcake case, or a chicken drumstick in sesame and soy? No one ever said, Let them eat chicken, did they?’
Sophie laughed. ‘True.’
‘And there’s something about a cake. It says love. It says sugary yumminess. It’s like a tiny hand-held hug. Cakes are for Christmas, celebrations, holidays and birthdays. Weddings. For happy, happy days. That’s why I love making them. The world needs more happiness.’
Sophie smiled, thinking of Kate and their friend, Eva, back home. ‘Someone once told me that things taste better when they’re made with love.’
Bella clapped her hands together. ‘I love that. It’s so true. Especially when you’re making a wedding cake. Cutting the cake is the first thing a married couple do jointly. It symbolises their partnership.’
‘I’d never thought of it like that. That’s lovely …’ Sophie paused, trying not to let the familiar sense of bitterness take hold. It was a constant presence lurking on the edge of her consciousness, just waiting for a chance to dig in and take over. ‘If it works out.’
‘Oh dear. Are you divorced
?’
‘No, single. Very single. And staying that way for the foreseeable future.’
‘Bad break-up?’ asked Bella, wincing sympathetically.
‘Something like that,’ sighed Sophie.
‘I’m not sure what’s worse. Having someone to break up with or not quite getting there.’
Sophie raised a quizzical eyebrow.
Bella looked stubborn for a minute. ‘There’s someone I’m interested in but he’s too stupid to live.’
Sophie flinched and took a sudden interest in the kitchen work surfaces. She wasn’t sure she could cope with anyone else’s emotional distress at the moment. Thankfully Bella didn’t say any more and turned her attention to the wine bottle, pouring two hefty glasses of white wine.
‘Gosh, this is lovely.’ Sophie turned around.
Opposite her there was an oak dresser which was filled, no not filled, rammed with a massive variety of different china plates. There was no discernible theme to the display of plates on the narrow upper shelves, which featured umpteen different shapes and a dazzling array of styles: retro fifties block patterns, vintage florals, stark contemporary designs – all bundled together in a rainbow of colours where emerald green rubbed shoulders with peacock blue, vivid pinks, pristine white and scarlet. There were more plates in teetering stacks on the open shelves below.
Following Sophie’s gaze, Bella shrugged. ‘I collect plates. You never know what you’ll need for a display.’
Next to the dresser was a floral sofa that looked as if, once you sat in it, it might be hard to escape from, a wooden coffee table piled with papers and magazines, and a couple of plain pink velvet armchairs.
All this should have looked incongruous against the stainless-steel benches and modern glass-fronted fridges on the opposite side, but those were also filled with colour and shape, so the two sides worked together. Bella clearly liked a bit of colour. The benches were dotted with bright utensil pots filled with china cake slices, wooden spoons and whisks.
Sophie felt herself relax. Kitchens were good places to be. You knew where you were in them. There was something safe and reassuring about knowing that when you were baking, if you added the right quantities and the right ingredients, and did the right things, you’d know what you’d get. A well-stocked and well-resourced kitchen like this was like coming home.