by S M Olivier
I knew most of my anger was really directed at myself. I was selfish. I was hurting my men, my team by not sharing my feelings. I knew the game. I could play it. I played it before. Maybe I could talk to Dr. Wong and tell him the least important of my demons. Let him believe he was conquering them with me.
I really wanted to go back up there and compel him. Tell him I was all better. Let him sign off on my paperwork, and I would deal with the shadows later on. I couldn’t do it, and he knew it. Yeah, integrity. What good was integrity to my family and friends if I was benched during a mission?
I didn’t live a life in complete denial. I knew my experience with Bradford had pushed me off the ledge. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of things led to that point, but he had been the tipping point. Because of him, I couldn’t sleep without a nightlight. Because of him, darkness flipped a switch within me, and I was powerless to stop the panic from taking over.
I knew I was a liability. I knew I was useless if my fears were ever turned on me. I really didn’t want my men or team to suffer if I lost complete control.
I looked up and saw Lincoln leaning on one of the posts with his arms crossed over this chest, and his ankles crossed over each other.
I slowed down, pulling one of my earbuds out.
“What demons are chasing you?” he asked dryly.
“No demons,” I replied in a clipped tone.
I didn’t feel like talking to Lincoln. I had to admit the trips with my brother had helped me trust him a little more, but not enough to pour out my feelings to him.
I was irritated when I realized he fell into step with me. He was dressed in his black cargo pants, black t-shirt, and black combat boots and he didn’t even seem to care about his discomfort.
“Why aren’t you at lunch?” he asked.
“Why aren’t you?” I shot back.
“The guys asked me to find you,” Lincoln answered.
I snorted a mirthless laugh. “Well, you found me. Now leave.”
“Nah, I’m good,” he shrugged nonchalantly as I picked up my pace.
I knew it was useless. I was fast, but his legs were long, and I recognized that he was a runner. As I sped up, so did he.
“What has pissed you off?” he finally asked in an amused tone.
“None of your damn business,” I bit out before I abruptly stopped.
I needed to hit something, and I needed to beat it now. I nearly ran down the steps. At the bottom of the steps, I took a long drink off water out of the water fountain before I walked over to the speed bags. I went over to the equipment table and wrapped my hands.
I didn’t fail to notice that he was steps behind me and imitated my movements.
“You barely ate when we got back last night, and you didn’t eat this morning. You really should eat if you’re going keep up this pace. You’re already tiny, and you can’t afford to lose any more weight,” Lincoln said sardonically.
I whirled on him, my hair whipping me in my face and sticking to my sweaty cheeks. “Not all of us want to be surgically enhanced like your girlfriends. If you don’t like what you see, I really don’t give a crap. Leave. We all know you’ll get tired of this role soon anyway.”
“Do you really have room to act jealous about my past exploits when you entertain six men on the daily?” Lincoln glared at me. “I never said you should be surgically enhanced, but no one likes rubbing on sticks. At least us real men don’t. Maybe some of your boyfriends like that scary skinny body you’re aiming for.”
I dropped the “F” bomb, not caring to rein it back as I launched myself at him. He was ready for me as he blocked the punch I had aimed at his face. “I am not scary skinny. I have an ass and boobs. My men love me no matter how I look. I know that’s a hard concept since you live among the plastics.”
I aimed a sidekick to his side. He deflected it once more. “Those men are no better than your lap dogs. They’ll say anything in hopes that you’ll bestow your graces upon them and ask them to share your bed with them. In truth, it’s hard to even call them men when they’ve lost their card and given it to you,” he said as he parried out of the way.
“We all have our roles. We didn’t choose them. I know it’s a hard concept to understand for a man that’s so used to being the center of attention and having women constantly throwing themselves at you. It’s hard to realize that the role of your life hasn’t cast you as the leading man,” I bit out as I tried to do a kick combo on him. I landed one of them and couldn’t help but smile.
“And like sheep, they will go to their slaughter. Eagerly falling off the cliff because their shepherd has no concept on how to protect them,” Lincoln said sarcastically. “We all know you are no longer eligible for active status, and instead of swallowing your pride, you’re willing to send them on a mission without you. Imagine if one of them doesn’t return because you were too selfish and you weren’t there to possibly save them. It’s not that hard to talk to a man that won’t be able to tell anyone about your sessions. The only man who separates you from doing your role.”
“Screw you,” I hissed at him before I launched more attacks against him.
I wasn’t ready when he finally captured one of my legs. He held onto it as he swept my other leg out from under me. I landed on my back with a whoosh of air leaving my lungs. He had controlled my fall, but I still felt it.
“You don’t know me. You have no clue. That man has no right to tell me if I’m fit for duty,” I hissed at him, not bothering to get up from my prone position. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of letting him know that some of his words rang true.
“But you aren’t fit, Blake,” he nearly yelled at me as he took a seat next to me. He was winded, and I was perversely satisfied to know I had made him that way. “I know I don’t know everything about you but I can.”
“So help me if you jump me,” I sat up and glared at him.
“I don’t need to,” he contended. “I saw the shell of the woman you became the other day when the lights went off. I know PTSD when I see it. I hear you at night cry out until one of the guys have to…soothe you. Someone screwed you up, and continually denying it won’t make it go away, and it’s not fair to your family or those guys.”
“I don’t have PTSD. I’m fine,” I maintained. “I struggle with some things, but who doesn’t? I’ll get over it. I always do.”
He snorted. “You can’t pour from an empty cup, Blake. I know that. Dr. Wong knows that. You’re the only one who doesn’t see it. Face your demons before they not only harm you but everyone else around you. Sometimes you have to know when you can’t fight the battle alone and seek help. All the things that have happened to you have piled up to monumental proportions, and there’s no ‘just getting over it.’”
“Thank you, Dr. Phil,” I said sarcastically.
“Dammit, Blake,” he cursed. “You are so damn stubborn.”
I went to stand up but was abruptly yanked back down, and I found myself on my back once more. “Not so tough now, are we?” he said smugly. “Next time you want to get rid of that anger, I know better, more productive ways to do so.”
It was at that moment I realized that he had purposely pushed me. That he let me take my anger and frustrations out on him. He may have meant some of the words he uttered, but most of them were said to get a rise from me.
Before I could even utter a word, his mouth was on mine. Demanding submission and entrance. His tongue intertwined with mine, and I dug my fingers into his shoulders.
I never imagined myself as ever enjoying angry sex. Generally, when I got angry, I needed to walk away and cool off. My emotions were too high to deal with anything else but my anger. I didn’t know why or how Lincoln was capable of switching that switch so quickly.
One moment I was angry as hell, and the next thing I knew I was ripping off his clothes as he was ripping off my clothes. Our angry movements didn’t stop until he buried himself deep within in me.
He paused for a second. “Shi
t I’m sorry, Blake,” he muttered as he kissed the tip of my nose. “I didn’t mean for it to end this way.”
I didn’t know what he was sorry for. I knew he had intentionally pushed me. Made me face myself. Or maybe he was sorry that, again, one of our arguments ended in sex.
I saw the remorse and realization sink in, and I didn’t want him to leave me. Not now. I had a fire within that didn’t go away with my run or with our impromptu fighting match. Maybe this would help.
“Don’t,” I bade him before I wrapped my legs around his hips and squeezed him. “I’m sorry, too. You really know how to push a girl's buttons.”
“Kettle, meet pot,” he muttered before lowering his head back down to mine and pushing back into me.
I mewed against his lips before thrusting my hips into his. “You intentionally antagonized me,” I accused him before I bit his shoulder.
He hissed and drove into me with more intense strokes. “We both know bluntness and straightforwardness is the best way to approach you when you are in that frame of mind.”
“You don’t know me,” I moaned as I denied his words. Knowing he was right.
He chuckled as he gyrated his hips against me. “I do, mon tresor, you hate it, but I do. Maybe not completely yet…but I know you.”
I couldn’t focus on our conversation any longer as his lips met mine once more and his pace quickened. He continued to push me to higher and higher heights until I let go. I cried out my release as he roared his own.
I was utterly exhausted now and sated. My legs felt like jelly, and my arms were numb as they fell away from him.
He collapsed seconds later and went to withdraw from me, but I wasn’t ready to feel empty yet.
“Don’t,” I bade him as I wrapped my legs around him again. “Stay like this for a moment.” I showed him a brief glimpse of my vulnerability.
“I’m going to crush you.” He laughed softly.
For once, there wasn’t hard cynicism around his features, and he looked content and relaxed. The smile I had seen in so many of his movies hovered around his lips.
“You won’t,” I insisted as I closed my eyes enjoying the afterglow of our coupling.
We laid like that for several moments before he finally withdrew. I barely stifled the groan of disappointment from leaving my mouth. He abruptly flipped onto his back and took me with him so that now our positions were reversed and he was on the bottom. His hands trace all over my spine and then to my buttocks.
“Where is this from?” he asked as he traced the puckered flesh under my rear.
“My stepmother’s boyfriend cut me,” I admitted quietly. I felt him stiffen beneath me and I sighed. “I already told you; I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by my stepmom and her boyfriends. I really don’t like talking about it to people. I especially didn’t want to tell a man I met just hours ago. I know he’s doing an amazing job with Jemmy and Ella, but…I don’t trust that easily.”
“Did they make you afraid of the dark?” he asked grimly.
I laughed mirthlessly. “No, that actually started here. I was roofied and nearly sexually assaulted here one night. He turned off all the lights in the laundry room, and the darkness never leaves.”
He muttered a curse. “Where were the guys? What happened to that man?”
I sat up and slowly started slipping back on my clothes. “I was in an argument with most of the guys that night, and as I’m apt to do when I’m angry or hurt, I ran to lick my wounds in private. He’s gone. They took him away. Where? I don’t know nor care. I never asked.”
He was silent for a few moments as we pulled on our clothing. “Dr. Wong is a brilliant man, and he’s equipped to help you with these things, why won’t you talk to him?” he finally asked.
“I don’t trust shrinks,” I said bluntly. “I was already misdiagnosed once. They fed me these pills that made me feel like a zombie robot. I never want to feel that way again. Sure I may be fixed but at what cost?”
“I really don’t think Dr. Wong would do that to you,” he quietly reassured me before he grabbed the sides of my face and gave me a long lingering kiss.
I never imagined that he would be the post coitus affectionate type, but I couldn’t deny the fact that I liked it.
“I’m hungry,” I admitted quietly after our lips parted.
He chuckled. “So am I. Are we heading back to the apartment or heading to the DFAC?” he asked.
“Let’s go back to the apartment,” I said decisively.
I still wasn’t ready to face people, and I needed a break before training. Just because I was benched didn’t mean I would be sitting out of practice.
I didn’t expect to see all the guys back in the apartment when I returned.
“Hey,” I said as I entered the apartment feeling like I was caught by my parents after sneaking out of the house.
Drake already had a huge salad made with grilled chicken and some kind of crusty bread.
“Hey, back,” Troy said with a knowing smile. “Have anything to tell us, princess?”
I groaned as I grabbed a large bowl. “I really can’t wait until we can leave this place. Word travels way too fast. So, how did this game of telephone start? How does everyone know I’m not cleared to active status?”
“Me,” Remy grunted. “Neither am I,” he then gave me a small smirk. “I wouldn’t talk either, and Dr. Wong didn’t seem to like it when I threw every question he had for me back at him. I’m more than capable of doing my job without someone poking and prodding into my head.”
Jaxson started to laugh. “When will you guys realize how to play the game and just tell them what they want to here? Yes, Dr. Wong, my mom left me as a child for her evil lover, but I had a strong supportive family that made me realize that her actions don’t define me, instead they made me a stronger person.”
Everyone gaped at him by his revelation. It was typical Jaxson ‘make a joke to cover up the truth’. Act flippantly to cover up the vulnerabilities lurking beneath.
“Yes, Dr. Wong,” Noah said in an innocent, unassuming voice. “My parents died giving medical aid to other children, but they loved me and provided for me. They knew I was in an amazing boarding school, and by then I already met my two best friends in the whole world, and Pops always treated me like one of his own, so even though the news of their death was hard, I knew I was never alone. I had found another family to soften the blow.”
I started to giggle. I wish I had thought of that at the time. If I would have gone on the offense instead of the defense today maybe I would have been cleared as well.
“Cut it out you two,” Jace nearly snapped. “You guys can handle your issues by whatever means necessary, but we all need to face reality, and we all know that Blake isn’t getting any better, she needs the help.”
If he would have physically slapped me, the blow would have not stung any differently. “That’s not fair,” I said in a small voice.
Jace stood up and rounded the corner of the table. He framed my face with his hands. “Sweetheart, you know I love you, but we all know you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a long time. Last night you spent most of the night whimpering and crying out, and that’s with me pushing comfort on you all night.”
“I don’t even think you realize it yourself,” Troy added quietly as he lifted his shirt and revealed bruises along his ribs.
I gasped. “Who did that to you?” I whispered in shock even though deep down I knew the answer.
“You,” Troy said in a gentle tone. “You get in the grips of your nightmare, and sometimes you start thrashing out. It’s getting harder and harder for us to pull you back.”
“So everyone thinks I should talk to him?” I asked glumly as I picked at my salad. I looked around and noticed they all nodded in agreement. I sighed. “Fine, I’ll talk to him,” I muttered. “After I eat… but so does Remy.”
⸟
I tried to go see Dr. Wong a few times, but his office door remained s
hut, so I just left a message with the assistant that worked with Pops, Dr. Wong, Paul, Greg, and Kirk. Training was grueling today, and I had been counting down the minutes until we left.
“After dinner, I think I’m going to lay down for a little bit until Greg or Miranda come by with Harry,” I stated to Jace and Remy as I toweled down my face.
“Dad said dinner at the new conference room tonight,” Jaxson stated as he joined us. “He wants all of us to be there including Terrance's team, Gavin, and the girls.”
“I wonder what that’s all about,” Remy stated. “I guess no nap for you,” he gently ribbed me.
“Why do all these evil people only come out at night?” I groaned.
“That’s what I don’t understand about it all,” Jace commented. “I know we’ve only helped Harry a few times, but even his parents stated that he’s most troubled at night. Why? I mean, evil exists in this world twenty-four seven.”
“He’s three,” Drake remarked as he came up from behind us. “I think we are more suspectable and open to our gifts in different times of the day. We all know emotions trigger most of us but some people, when it comes to seeing things? It’s all timing. Hazel told me she was aware of her gift as a young girl when she touched her grandfather’s pocket watch. We all know our minds are most vulnerable at night maybe that’s when the door is opened. Until he gets older and learns how to control it, I have a feeling we’re facing years of helping him every night.”
“Not unless we hook him up with one of those halos that Darren invented for our prisoners,” Troy stated pragmatically.
I looked over my shoulder and noticed that all the guys were behind me. “No!” I immediately exclaimed. “I know in theory it sounds amazing but in practice it’s barbaric. It is new technology that has recently rolled out and hasn’t been tested enough for use on a three-year-old.”
“Shouldn’t Greg and Miranda be given the option though?” Noah said hesitantly.
“No,” Remy stated immediately. “I honestly wished it never been invented. I know it helped immensely with our prison transport, but I’m with Blake on this one. Imagine if the schematics were to get into the wrong hands. Today it’s a tool we can use, and tomorrow it could be a weapon turned against us. Say the people who want to lock us up and throw away the key were to get their hands on this technology. We’re all screwed.”