by A. J. Truman
“I’ll try.” Gideon kept thinking about how his mom was reacting. He checked his phone, waiting to hear from her.
But he didn’t want to think about his family drama. He wanted to live his life. He joined Mac on the couch and kissed him with gusto. It was funny how easier that was getting. The less he thought about things, the easier they were.
“So, as I was saying…sex?” Gideon asked.
“Are you sure? I mean, it’s sex.”
“This isn’t a Very Special Episode. Neither of us are virgins.” Gideon lifted his eyebrows in an extra plea. Mac’s tight T-shirt made him more enticed. He shrugged off the guilt he felt about making such an observation.
If my brother can get his girlfriend knocked up, then I can ogle my roommate’s ripped chest.
Hesitation crossed Mac’s brown eyes. Gideon didn’t want to force him. He worried for a second that Mac didn’t want this. Maybe he had shared too much.
“You feel comfortable...having sex?” Mac asked.
“Well, I’d be on top, so there wouldn’t be much difference.”
“Right. Do you want to have sex because—” Mac stopped himself to take another bite of his bagel. And then his hesitation was gone, replaced with something Gideon couldn’t decipher. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Gideon felt his face light up. “Should we do your bed?”
“Yeah.”
They went into Mac’s bedroom, where clothes littered the floor. At least it wasn’t in the apartment common area. They lay on his bed.
Nerves hit Gideon. He was going to have sex. With a guy. This was real.
“Shit.” Mac shut his nightstand drawer. “I’m out of lube.”
“We used it up?” Gideon blushed. Those bottles weren’t that big.
Mac tossed the empty bottle onto the floor, which Gideon pretended not to notice. “Can you pick some up tomorrow?”
Gideon did a double take. “Me?”
“I have class and homework. You only have one class tomorrow.”
He was going to ask how Mac knew his schedule, but he knew that Thursdays were Mac’s busiest day, too. Just one of those subconscious things roommates picked up.
“I can’t pick up lube,” Gideon said, desperately.
“I can’t go tomorrow.”
“We can go tonight.”
“The stores are closed. They sell it in the student union.”
Gideon huffed out a laugh. Did Mac expect him to waltz into the student union and run into someone as he asked for a bottle of Astroglide? Mac had a dark sense of humor.
“They sell it at drugstores,” Mac said. “If you’re going to stick your dick inside me, the least you can do is pick up the lube. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.”
“The gentlemanly thing.” Gideon snorted. “Until tomorrow then.”
“Do you want to fool around tonight?” Mac asked, still sprawled out on the bed. Gideon could collapse on top of him and smell his warmth if he wanted to. But he decided to make Mac suffer. Who said geology class had to be so serious?
“We can wait until tomorrow. The gentlemanly thing and all.”
Φ
Gideon received the dreaded call from his mom at 10:45 the next morning. That was a good sign. She gave herself the night to think it over. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
Who was he kidding?
Gideon braced for impact. “Hi, Mom.”
“Good morning. Did I wake you?”
“It’s almost eleven.”
“Well, I know how much you like to sleep late, Gideon. And you sounded groggy,” she said defensively.
“Sorry. I’m up. So, I take it you heard the news.”
“I did.” She sounded calmer than he expected. Maybe instead of a bomb, this was a minefield, and he had to tread even lighter. “At this point, I’m not surprised by anything your brother does anymore. Noah has made it clear that he’s going to do what he wants, and it’s his life.”
To the untrained ear, this would sound like his mom had grown and mellowed out, a real step of progress. But Gideon knew better. He hadn’t spent the past twenty years being the son to Judy Saperstein without picking up on her quirks. He could hear the distinct passive-aggressive frustration and disappointment coating her resigned tone. Yes, Noah did what he wanted, and no, it would never be okay with her.
“Look on the bright side. You’ll get to be a grandma.”
She laughed. It was only a second, but it flashed Gideon back to when it was four of them, laughing around the dinner table, regaled by one of their dad’s stories. Maybe the baby would be the ultimate bright side.
“I am looking forward to being a grandmother. And Christina and Noah will produce a very cute baby. Hopefully, the baby has her nose.”
That was a joke! His mom making a joke about a potentially earth-shattering event! Gideon felt like he was in a trap, but he couldn’t figure it out yet. There was the tick…tick…but no boom.
“I like your attitude,” Gideon said.
“With Noah…I don’t know. I tried. That’s all I can say. I tried. I think your brother has a lot of anger about what happened with your dad.”
Gideon wanted to remind that they were all hurt by his passing. Only Noah acted out.
“But at least I have you, Gideon. You would never do something so…”
“Irresponsible?”
“Exactly. I love our chats. There’s never any drama.”
But she didn’t know how much work it took to keep the drama out.
“For the most part,” she continued. That put Gideon on high alert.
“What do you mean?”
“When I was picking up the egg salad for break the fast, I ran into Beth’s mother at the deli.”
Gideon gulped back a lump of panic. He forgot that his mother preferred a deli in Beth’s town. It was a rare curveball, but he could handle it. He was already on top of it.
“She said that you and Beth broke up before school started.”
“We did. It was amicable. We both got cold feet about moving in together and realized it was about something bigger, that the relationship had run its course. We’re still friends. It’s fine.”
“I’m glad it wasn’t acrimonious. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Gideon sensed some hurt in her voice. “You’ve had your hands full with Noah’s whirlwind romance. I didn’t want to add to your stress.”
“You didn’t need to do that, Gideon. You really didn’t. I’m a mother. It’s my job to worry about my sons.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“How are you doing?”
“I’m good.” And Gideon was. He’d been happier this week than he had in a long time.
“Good. Are you paying for rent all by yourself?”
“No. It turns out that a friend of mine needed an apartment, and it worked out perfectly.” A smile quirked on his lips. That was actually, mostly, the truth.
“That’s a relief. Listen, you don’t need to lie to me about things. I can handle it. And whatever it is, Noah’s probably done much worse.”
“Right.” But so wrong. Gideon knew his mom would say this. It was easy to say she could handle things, but he knew that wasn’t the truth. And even if Noah was a law school drop out who was having a shotgun wedding to his much-older girlfriend, he was still marrying a woman. Gideon’s secret would always be worse.
“So tell me about Yom Kippur,” he said, changing the subject. “Any gossip to report?”
She gave him the back home scoop about who was at temple. And things felt like normal again. Until the silence. The silence that fell on their phone call was a flare shot into the air.
“Gideon, I met a woman at temple. She’s a new member. Very nice woman. She and her husband are very lovely. Her daughter is a freshman at Browerton.”
He slapped his forehead.
“Her name is Hannah. She was at services. She’s very pretty, and a sweet girl. I got her email.” His mom pronounced it e-mail, as if it were still som
e new high-tech invention. “I’ll send it over. I said that you could give her some advice, or talk to her about Hillel and classes. But now that you aren’t dating Beth…Hannah is a very nice girl.”
Gideon rubbed a hand through his hair, back and forth. And there was the boom.
“Mom,” Gideon said through a hand smacked over his face. “I’m not looking to date right now.”
“Think about it. Hannah was very excited about meeting you. Try one date. With Noah…” Her voice caught in her throat. “I still have a chance to do things right with you.”
“Fine,” Gideon said through gritted teeth.
Φ
Gideon wound up walking over a mile to the Walgreen’s in Duncannon for the lube. He wanted to ensure that he would run into nobody from school. He kept his head down as he entered the store, lest any security cameras caught his face. Gideon buying Astroglide wasn’t exactly material for the five o’clock news, but he didn’t know who would have access to the footage.
When he realized that the store was pretty much empty, he relaxed. He meandered through the rows until he found the sliver of shelf space for personal lubricant. Well, at least if anyone caught him here, he could say that lube was for anyone. It was personal. Not gay, not straight.
He looked both ways, and of course, the lube was on the end of shelf closest to the pharmacy. There were probably pharmacists who scoped out the shelf all day, waiting to see the sinners buying Satan’s product.
Gideon kept his eyes on the prize. Sex with Mac. He had never been this nervous about having sex. Not even his first time. This isn’t just any old sex. It seemed like the culmination of their experimentation. Final exam for geology class, only he didn’t want class to end. His fingers tingled with excitement when they made contact with the Astroglide.
He held it in his hand. In that moment, he didn’t think about what sex would be like. He pictured Mac’s intense sex face, staring back at him with emotion and his sinister grin. He thought of the safety of laying in bed with Mac after it was done, the same warm feeling he had after their past hookups. He let himself stand in the aisle imaging those future memories for a few seconds. It was a relief in a twenty-four hours chock full of Saperstein family drama.
Gideon walked up to the cashier. I can do this. If she asks me anything, I won’t answer.
He didn’t make eye contact with the cashier, a middle-aged woman who seemed too worn down to care that she was ringing up gay lube. This was probably a four on a scale of weirdest shit she’d experienced at Walgreen’s.
“Do you need a bag?” She asked.
Gideon froze. Oh, right. My cue.
“No. Actually, yes. Yes.” Not his finest hour. The corners of her lips curved into a stealth smile.
“Have fun.”
Gideon yanked the bag and ran out.
CHAPTER fifteen
Mac
Tonight was the night. Sex with Gideon.
I am having sex with Gideon.
They started off with kissing on Mac’s bed, as per usual. Mac melted under Gideon’s lips. He loved that they could joke and talk with each other, and then segue into making out and getting handsy without any awkward transition. It was so natural.
Like we’re a couple?
He pushed the thought out of his head. He didn’t want to think about anything tonight. That’s how Gideon rolled. Mac saw him live in the moment when they were together. He didn’t want to use his brain tonight except to remember to roll on the condom. Tomorrow, he was getting on a bus back to Pittsburgh to be by his aunt’s side when she went into surgery. He was probably going to see his parents for the first time in years. Unless they didn’t show up. With them, Mac never knew. They didn’t even come to his high school graduation.
There was another thought he didn’t need to think right now.
Mac massaged Gideon’s leg, then his inner thigh. Gideon didn’t push his hand away. He leaned back and got comfortable. Mac went for the crown jewels. Gideon let out a low moan, a green light if Mac ever saw one.
He stroked Gideon through his pants. Mac loved seeing Gideon lose it, his cool demeanor slipping away the more turned on he got.
Gideon took off his pants, and Mac took him in his mouth. His own cock got hard when Gideon grabbed the back of his head. Mac touched himself with his free hand as Gideon moaned louder. Mac went down to his base, fitting all of Gideon inside his mouth. He kept thinking about the epic rimjob Gideon had given him. Thinking about that day motivated him to suck harder, knowing how good they could be together.
“Just like that, baby,” Gideon said, which sent Mac into hyperdrive.
He stroked and sucked as if his life depended on it, all so he could hear whatever came out of Gideon’s mouth next. He slipped a finger inside Gideon’s tight ass, which was warm and welcoming.
“Stop,” Gideon said. “Don’t do that.”
“Are you sure? You don’t sound sure.”
“Stop, please,” Gideon gasped out. “I don’t want to do that.”
“Not even to play? I’m not asking you to bottom.”
Gideon gave him the headshake equivalent to hell no.
“Okay.” Mac removed his finger. He didn’t get it. Gideon seemed very intrigued by pegging during their initial conversation. Now, he was primed and had the chance. Stupid straight guy logic. Or “straight” guy in Gideon’s case.
Mac got on his knees, giving him better leverage with Gideon’s dick. He held Mac’s hair and fucked his face. Mac found it a little uncomfortable, but hearing Gideon groan his enjoyment, he soon found the pleasure.
Gideon removed his dick from Mac’s mouth. “Let’s have sex, baby.”
“You ready?” Mac asked. He knew that wasn’t the brightest question to ask. What man would second-guess having sex?
“Yeah. Why don’t you climb on top of me?”
Mac stood up, but then he paused. Gideon’s hell no headshake stuck in his craw. “You seemed really into pegging when you found Big—my toy. We can do some foreplay. Gay sex doesn’t have to be so monotonous and boring as straight sex. We can shake things up.” Mac reached for the nightstand drawer, but Gideon pushed it shut.
“No. I’m not letting Big Bird or anything else in there.”
“Okay.” Mac rolled his eyes. Gideon’s stubbornness was getting on his nerves. It seemed that experimentation was only one-sided. “Maybe I can rim you.”
“No.” Gideon sighed with annoyance. “Fine. How about I rim you, and you blow me.”
The night had turned into a flea market transaction. Mac wasn’t going to haggle for sex. He put his clothes back on, and Gideon quickly followed.
“Why are you so afraid of having anything down there?” Mac asked. “Scared that you’ll like it?”
“This isn’t easy for me like it is for you.”
“This isn’t easy for me, either. I’m nervous, but I feel better knowing this is all happening with a friend, with someone I trust and care about.”
Mac averted his eyes. He did not mean for those last two words to come out. They were on their own mission. This is what happens when I turn my brain off. The filter shuts off, too. Mac waited for Gideon to respond, for him to say that he trusted his friend, that he cared about Mac.
“I’m still hungry.” Gideon went to the kitchen and fished around for food in the cabinets. Mac stormed after him.
“This is horseshit,” Mac said. “Typical straight guy horseshit.”
“Did you eat all the saltines?” Gideon didn’t look at him. He focused on foraging. Classic Gideon avoidance that made Mac want to scream.
“Fuck the saltines, Gideon. You can’t be the only one calling the shots in this…whatever it is. You think that if you don’t bottom, then you’re not doing anything gay? Well, guess what: kissing a guy and jerking him off and letting him blow you are pretty standard homosexual acts. You can categorize and compartmentalize in your head all you want, but those are the cold, hard facts.”
Gideon found a slee
ve of Ritz crackers hiding in the back of a shelf. “Perfect.”
Mac ripped them out of his hand, crunched them into a million little pieces, and shook them out all over the hardwood floor.
“What the hell has gotten into you?”
“You don’t get to just walk away from me.”
“I don’t have a say in what we get to do anymore?”
“You don’t get to have the only say,” Mac said.
Gideon acted like Mac’s words didn’t dig under his skin, which hurt more than anything he could say back. Mac was proud of standing up for himself, and so instead of having Gideon say good night, he walked away first.
Φ
Mac left for the bus station early in the morning. He tiptoed out of the apartment, when the sky still had the midnight blue of pre-dawn. A part of him hoped that Gideon would rush out, charge down the steps, and stop him on the street. But this wasn’t a movie.
The bus ride to Pittsburgh was a little over three hours. He gripped the four-leaf clover keychain the entire trip. Mac prepared for the emotional onslaught. He remembered what Gideon said. Aunt Rita would be fine. They call it benign for a reason. But a tumor was no match for the cold detachment of Mr. and Mrs. Daly. He wondered if they would even acknowledge them. Would he do the same? He stared out the window to distract him, but it was just trees and road signs. Not much help.
At the bus stop in Pittsburgh, Aunt Rita’s friend Helen waited in her Corvette. The woman was far from rich—her stuffy, old-lady-smelling two-bedroom apartment down the street from his aunt was proof of that. But when her mother passed away, she used her inheritance to buy the one thing she’d always wanted. The car she never got to have in high school. It wasn’t just a car to her, it was a new lease on life.
“Mackie!”
He blushed at the name. It was home to him.
He threw his stuff in the back seat. They gave each other a tight hug, expressing the worry and hope for Aunt Rita that words couldn’t.
“She’s doing good, Mackie. She’s going into surgery in a little bit.”
They headed to the hospital. Mac passed familiar buildings, and they gave him comfort.