by Roddy Doyle
—I might, she said.
—But I’d asked Outspan – Liam. And I’m askin’ Les.
—Are you?
—Yeah.
—That’s lovely.
She meant it. She was delighted, and that delighted him. It really did.
—So I didn’t think you’d want to share the tent with us all, he said.
He said tent instead of yurt, in case she thought a yurt would be big enough for everyone.
—But I want to see Marvin, she said.
She knew about the Bulgarian scam. She had to; he couldn’t have hidden it. Although he hadn’t told Noeleen, and he’d told – asked – Aoife not to. Till he’d figured out the consequences.
—There are day tickets, he said.
—I know.
—We can get a few.
—I know.
—Great.
—I was thinkin’, said Jimmy.
—Yeah?
—Maybe we could give Kevin a few more songs.
—No, said young Jimmy.
—One, even.
—Don’t wreck it, Dad.
—You’re right.
—Les?
—Jimmy.
—How are yeh?
—Fine. You?
—Fine, grand, yeah. How’s Maisie?
The usual little pause.
—Fine.
—Great. The Olympics went well.
—Yes.
—Did you get to annythin’?
—No.
—Watched it on telly, yeah?
—Some.
Jesus, what was he doing?
—Come here, he said.—Do yeh like your music?
—What do you mean?
—Do you follow the music, yeh know – go to gigs, ever?
—Not really.
—No?
—No.
—Well, listen.
Jimmy told him about the Picnic. The yurt, Outspan, Des. The Cure. Elbow. Dexys Midnight Runners. The free ticket. He could give it the full Jimmy because he knew the answer was going to be No.
—So. Would you be up for it?
—Yes.
—Yes?
—Yes. It sounds great.
—Great, said Jimmy.
He meant it, and that was a shock. It was like something warm flowing down through him – the anaesthetic he’d had when he’d had the bowel whipped out; that same rush.
—Jimmy?
—Yeah.
—Still there?
—Yeah.
The house was calm again.
Marvin had gone down to the school. He’d said he’d text when he got the news, but he hadn’t.
—Send him a text, said Jimmy.
—Why me? said young Jimmy.
—You’re not me or your mother. He’ll answer you.
—Go on, Jim, said Aoife.—Please. The tension’s killing me.
They watched young Jimmy pulling his phone out of his pocket, like he was pulling barbed wire from his hole. They watched him compose the text and send it.
—What did you say? Aoife asked him.
—It’s private.
Marvin didn’t text back.
—Will we phone him? said Jimmy.
—Yes. Maybe.
—He’s only been gone half an hour. How far is the school – to walk?
Young Jimmy had disappeared. So Jimmy went up to Mahalia’s room and woke her.
—How long does it take you to walk to school?
—What?
He asked her again.
—Like, I haven’t walked to school in, like, months. It’s the holidays, like.
—How long though – about?
—I don’t remember.
—A rough guess.
—Ten minutes. Go away.
—Okay. Thanks.
He went back down. He hadn’t noticed Marvin actually doing the Leaving in June. Now but, he was shitting himself. Jimmy hadn’t done the Leaving. He’d left school a few months before the exams.
They felt a shift in the air inside the house before they heard the front door closing. And they were up and out, skidding into the hall to get at Marvin.
—Well?
—Three hundred and forty points, said Marvin.
—Is that good?
—Of course it’s good, said Aoife.
—Brilliant, brilliant. Will it get you what you want?
—Think so, said Marvin.
He wanted to do Arts or something, in UCD.
—If it’s the same as last year, said Marvin.
There was the hugging.
—Proud of you, son, said Jimmy.—Always.
The excuse was great, the fuckin’ window. He could gush and let himself go. Maybe exams weren’t such a bad thing. Marv’s arms were around him too.
—I’m proud of you too, Dad, he said, the sarcastic, wonderful little prick.
Now he could phone the Halfbreds. Barry or Connie?
He went out to the back garden.
Connie.
He didn’t think the phone rang even once.
—Five hundred and sixty points, motherfucker!
—Congratulations, Brenda.
He seemed to remember Connie screaming something about the points her daughter would need to earn the right to shove her hand up donkeys’ cunts.
—Five hundred and sixty!
—Great stuff, said Jimmy.—So she’s all set to become a vet.
—Oh yeah!
Connie was never going to ask him why he’d phoned.
—I’ve some more good news for you, Brenda.
—What?
He’d got them – Noeleen had got them – a Picnic gig, half an hour in one of the tents, to replace Little Whistles, two girls with guitars and flowery dresses. Their auntie had died; she’d been the inspiration for their big song, ‘Forget Whatever’. So they’d cancelled all gigging till the new year.
—I’ve a gig for you, Jimmy told Connie.—The Electric Picnic.
—We’re not going on before the fucking Cure!
He took a quick breath.
—Or Patti Smith! said Connie.
—Christ, said Jimmy.—Will Patti Smith be there?
—Not on my fucking stage.
Jimmy could hear a girl crying happily behind Connie. That would be the kid with the points, the donkey lover.
—I’ll make sure Patti stays away, said Jimmy.
—G.L.O.R.I.A. spells fuck off, bitch!
—Good one, said Jimmy.—So you’re up for it, yeah?
They’d been screaming at him for a decent gig, for months – for years.
—I’ll think about it.
—Grand, said Jimmy.
Aoife needed the car.
—Why?
—I’m going too, she said.—Remember?
—Shite, yeah – sorry. Can yeh not get the bus?
—Jimmy.
—Grand, okay. Shite. Not you – life in general.
Des had sold his car and Jimmy was fairly certain Outspan didn’t have one.
Do u own car?
Xwife says its hrs.
—Da?
—Jimmy.
—Howyeh.
—We’ve Leslie here with us.
It was Wednesday night and Les was staying at the folks’ until they headed down to Stradbally and the Picnic on Friday.
—Great, said Jimmy.
Slap the fatted calf onto the fuckin’ barbecue.
—I’ll be over tomorrow night.
—Wha’ time? his da asked.
—Why?
—We’re goin’ out for a meal, said his da.—Leslie’s treatin’ us.
—Brilliant, said Jimmy.—But come here. Can I’ve a lend of your car for the weekend?
—’Course.
—It’s to get us to the festival. Aoife needs ours.
—No bother, said his da.
—Thanks very much.
—Delighted to be of help.
His da sounded so happy. He
told Aoife about it.
—Because Leslie’s come home, she said.
—Yeah.
—And why’s that?
—Because —
It hit him.
—Because I asked him.
She laughed.
—And how does that make you feel?
—Eh – good, he said.
—Where’s tha’ Swiss Army knife?
—You’re not serious.
—I am.
—It’s two in the fucking morning, Jimmy.
—Exactly the time o’ day when you’d need a Swiss Army knife. I didn’t mean to wake you, by the way.
—Why would you need a knife?
—Cuttin’ rope, self-protection, killin’ Outspan.
—Come back to bed.
—Okay.
She pulled him tight to her.
—You’re going to have a great time.
—I know.
Her knee whacked his arse.
—Sound convincing.
—I know.
—That’s a bit better. Stop worrying.
That annoyed him.
—I’m not worried, he said.
He didn’t think he was lying.
—What’s the worst that can happen?
—Listen, he said.
He tried not to push away from her.
—I’m not one of the kids.
—I’m just —
—Stop fuckin’ patronising me.
She said nothing. Her knee was gone. But her arm was still there.
—Listen, she said.—I’ve been doing it a lot. Since your diagnosis. Which wasn’t even a year ago, by the way.
—I know, he said.—Mad.
—I’ve tried to imagine what the worst thing is that can happen. The worst conclusion.
—My fuckin’ death.
—Yes, she said.—That was one of them. And very upsetting. Usually.
—Fuck off.
She squeezed.
—But after the surgery and chemo, she said.—Money, next door —
There was still no one in there, behind their bedroom wall.
—All the worrying things. Genuinely worrying. I’d ask what the worst outcome was.
—And?
—It’s usually not that bad, she said.—Not good either. Shite actually. But not devastating. So.
—So?
—What’s the worst that can go wrong? she asked.
—We won’t be able to stand one another.
—And you come home?
—I suppose.
—It’s not that bad, she said.—Is it?
—No, he said.—I suppose not. I’m not sure I even want to go.
—Ah Jimmy.
—I do – but. And it’s not that I’m worried that somethin’ will go wrong. Do we have any babywipes in the house?
—Why?
—It’ll be easier than washin’ an’ whatever.
—Jesus, she said.—You really are thinking ahead, aren’t you?
—There’s another thing.
—What?
—What if somethin’ happens to Outspan?
—It won’t.
—You can’t say that, he said.
—Then you’ll need more than babywipes.
She started laughing first.
—Jesus, Outspan.
—It’s grand.
—It’s fuckin’ Darfur.
—Okay, said Outspan.—Okay. But it’s kind o’ Southside Darfur.
He had a point. It looked like a refugee camp but it was filling up with blonde girls in shorts and flowery wellies. None of them looked hungry. It wasn’t too mucky yet but it had been pissing down all the way from Dublin and Jimmy could feel the months of rain just under his feet, waiting to fuck up the weekend.
—I want me yurt, he said.
They’d come in Outspan’s ex’s car. He’d phoned Jimmy that morning, to tell him.
—I hacked up blood in front of her, he’d said.—An’ she relented.
—My da’s happy enough to give us his.
—No, said Outspan.—I have it now, so we may as well run the arse off it.
Jimmy didn’t want to be involved in some kind of marital vendetta. Outspan’s ex was bound to be a hard woman. But —
—Okay, he said.
—One thing but, said Outspan.
—Wha’?
—Can yeh drive us?
—Okay, said Jimmy.—No bother.
—I’d do it meself, said Outspan.—But I can’t.
—Cos o’ your meds?
—No, said Outspan.—I’m banned.
—Grand, said Jimmy.
Des had cycled to Jimmy’s, and Aoife had given them a lift to his da’s. Les had been waiting for them, dressed like a man who did some serious walking.
—I bet he has a Swiss Army knife, said Jimmy.
—Shut up, said Aoife.
—And a fuckin’ compass.
The three of them had walked down to Outspan’s. Past Imelda’s. Her car wasn’t there.
Outspan was standing in the garden.
—Will it rain?
—Between now an’ Sunday night? said Jimmy.—Bring your fuckin’ coat. This is Les an’ Des.
He only copped on now how stupid that sounded.
—Leslie an’ Des, he said.
—Leslie an’ Dezlie, said Outspan.
Outspan didn’t do smiling, so it was a good few seconds before the four of them were laughing together. Then they were all in the car, and gone.
It was a bit awkward at first. Les in the back said nothing to Des, and Des said nothing to Les.
Outspan had the atlas.
—Left or right here, Outspan?
—Do they do left an’ rights down here?
Jimmy said nothing about the rain, even when he’d had to slow down because he could see fuck all through it. He could already imagine it seeping through his clothes. Before he’d heard one note or eaten a chip. He’d be soggy for the whole weekend; he wouldn’t be able to bend his legs because of all the water in his jeans.
—They say it’ll be nice tomorrow and Sunday, said Des.
—Cunts, said Outspan.
It was just four men who didn’t know one another, including – especially – the two brothers. They were going through Kildare before they laughed again, when they passed a dead fox at the side of the road.
—Left or righ’, me bollix, said Outspan.
They’d parked in a field that must have had hay in it the day before. They followed the line of cars, further and further in. The ground felt solid enough under the car.
—It’s well organised, isn’t it?
That was always a surprise.
—Should be an Olympic event. Synchronised parkin’.
—We’d be in with a shout.
They were really starting to enjoy themselves, until they got out and opened the boot.
—Tents, said Jimmy.
—Yeah, said Outspan.
—We don’t need tents, said Jimmy.
—We kind o’ do, said Outspan.
—What abou’ the yurt?
—Too dear.
—You said it wasn’t a problem.
—Well, it was, said Outspan.—I did me sums wrong.
If the other two lads – the pair of liggers who were getting in for nothing – were embarrassed, they weren’t showing it.
—Why didn’t yeh tell me? said Jimmy.
Outspan looked at Jimmy like he was going to jump on him, or sink into the ground. What’s the worst that can happen?
—It’s fine, said Des.
Les took a tent out of the boot.
—Sorted.
Jimmy took the other one – it was very light – before Des or Outspan could grab it. He pushed a blanket to the side and saw the oxygen.
He thought he’d fuckin’ die.
—It’s just in case, said Outspan.
—Will we bring it?
—No, said Outspan.
Jimmy knew now why Outspan had borrowed the ex’s car. Or stolen it. He could have done with a blast of the oxygen himself, and so could Leslie and Dezlie, judging by the pair of earnest heads on them.
The slabs of beer saved them.
—Never heard of this one, said Jimmy.—Excelsior?
—It’s not the worst, said Outspan.—An’ it was good value.
—Where?
—Lidl.
—Grand.
—I got the tents there as well, said Outspan.
—How much?
—Seventeen euro.
Les laughed. He looked at Outspan.
—You’re serious.
—Each, said Outspan.
Les hoisted a tent onto his back and got one of the slabs out of the boot. And that was a new worry. Jimmy thought there might have been a bit of history there, Les and the drink. It might have been something his mother had once said. Or just something he’d imagined; there was something too careful about the way Les carried himself. But, fuck it, he grabbed a slab – or he tried to. It was heavy. He got it up onto his shoulder but it was immediately awkward, and sore. He’d his bag as well. He’d never make it.
—Let’s go.
Now they stood at the edge of Darfur. Jimmy was sweating like a bastard. The walk from the car to the gate – the wrong fuckin’ gate – to the right gate, to here, had killed him. He was glad he’d let the hair grow because the sweat – the fuckin’ lard – would have been running straight down his face, into his eyes.
But he’d made it and he was happy enough. His breathing would be normal again in a minute and the breeze was already working away at the sweat.
They weren’t ready to go in deeper yet, although the sun was out and the field of tents looked quite pleasant.
—Jesus, men, said Des.—We’re old.
The truth of that was funny. It loosened them up, made them feel a bit brave. A steady line of kids kept passing them, to grab their places further in. It was early afternoon – Jimmy checked his watch – only just after two.
—We’re missin’ Joe Duffy.
—Who’s Joe Duffy? Les asked.
—Cunt on the radio, said Outspan.—We righ’, lads?
They picked up the gear, the tents, the bags, the sleeping bags, the slabs of beer, the wellingtons, and got ready to walk into the heart of darkness.
Les led the way. Jimmy could see none of the young Les in him. There was nothing of the kid left. Young Outspan was still in the current Outspan. But young Les was gone. It made Jimmy sad – and guilty. He couldn’t really remember what Les had been like. When Jimmy had met him the night before, the only reason he’d known it was Les was the fact that he was standing in their parents’ kitchen and he couldn’t have been anyone else. But it wasn’t like he was damaged, or twitchy or anything like that. He seemed grand. He was fit. He didn’t have much to say. But that was alright too. He’d gone ahead a bit and Jimmy wanted to run after him, chat to him – ingratiate himself, make up for the decades.