Can I blame him for moving onto greener pastures after I pushed him away? Of course I can’t, because in the end the decisions we make have consequences.
This is a consequence I will have to learn to live with. A consequence that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. A consequence that has taught me an invaluable lesson: don’t go searching for joy, find it within.
I will share my life, my experiences, our traditions and any information you would like about the Amish, in these articles I send to you from the heart of Lancaster County. I hope you enjoy them.
* * *
Find your joy, and remember, don’t search too far.
B.R.
* * *
Becka let the pencil drop onto the page as she read the words again. It was the most honest thing she had ever written, and she couldn’t bear the thought of other people reading it. But the anonymity of her articles was a blessing. Because no one would know that Becka Raber was the girl who had gone to search for her purpose and that it was Aaron Fischer who had been unable to wait.
No one would know that she would congratulate them on their wedding day even though she would be biting back the tears.
Because she loved Aaron enough to wish him every happiness in the world.
She had just hoped that it would be with her and not Mary Leipz.
Chapter 19
That Sunday morning, Aaron couldn’t make it to church. A cow had been in labor for most of the night and when the sun started to rise in the east, things took a turn for the worst. Aaron and his father had struggled until eleven o’clock to birth the calf. The mother unfortunately didn’t make it.
Having a new born calf without a mother to nurse him, promised to be hard work. Aaron knew, having raised a few in the past, but he had also helped more than a few to latch onto a surrogate cow.
He spent the entire Sunday trying to coax the calf to drink from another cow. It was late afternoon when the cow finally allowed the orphaned calf to nurse from her.
Aaron was tired and worn out when he returned to the house. He wanted nothing more than a bath and a bed, but he had promised Mary that he would go to singing tonight. Their friendship was slowly growing every time they saw each other.
Although Aaron still waited for that spark of attraction to kick in, he had a sneaking suspicion it never would. Mary was a sweet girl and she would make a wonderful wife, but Aaron simply didn’t have the same connection with her that he had with Becka.
He pushed Becka from his mind and shook his head. Becka was no longer here. She had left him to become Englisch; she had turned her back on everything they stood for. She wasn’t here and Mary was.
Determined, Aaron bathed and dressed and headed to Sunday singing. He arrived to find Mary waiting for him at the entrance of the Stoltzfus barn. Her hazel eyes shone with happiness as he approached.
“I thought you weren’t coming – when you didn’t come to church…”
“We had a cow in labor,” Aaron sighed. “The calf is alright, the mother didn’t make it.”
“Aaron, I’m so sorry to hear that,” Mary shook her head. “We best get inside, they’re going to start.”
Aaron nodded and followed Mary inside. They sat down on opposite sides of the table. Mary leaned closer and whispered across the table. “There’s the girl who was baptized this morning. The bishop said she didn’t want to wait another day. Sounds like a quite a story, if she couldn’t wait a month to be baptized.”
Aaron barely listened as Mary spoke. He was tired and already wondering why he had come. He needed to check on the calf again.
“Do you know her? She’s looking this way?” Mary continued.
Aaron lifted his head and glanced in the direction Mary was looking. His breath caught in his throat even as his heart skipped a beat. “She was baptized this morning?” he asked, clearly baffled.
Mary nodded, “Jah. Who is she?”
“Becka Raber,” Aaron spoke the words he never thought he would speak again even as his heart swelled with love. She was back, she was baptized and she was looking at him with daggers in her eyes.
Before Mary could say any more, Sunday Singing began. They sang upbeat hymns from the ausband and due to a storm moving in, forewent the break to finish early. After the singing, most of the couples rushed outside to head home before the storm broke.
Aaron glanced at Becka who stood up and ignored him as she passed him and Mary. He turned to Mary and knew he was taking a chance, but knew if he didn’t, he would regret it, “Mary, I’m sorry but I can’t drive you home tonight.”
Mary frowned, confusion clear in her eyes. “Aaron?”
“I’m sorry; I have to talk to her.” Aaron stood up and shook his head. “I’m sorry.”
“She’s the one, isn’t she? She’s the one you think about when you go quiet?” Aaron took a step back. Had Mary noticed? Suddenly he felt awful for leading her on when she had realized he didn’t like her as much as he should.
“She was, I’m not sure if she still is.”
Aaron expected Mary to be angry, to shout at him, to insult him for leading her on. Instead she shocked him. “Go Aaron, I can see she means a lot to you. Go!”
Aaron was drawn between explaining to Mary and rushing after Becka. He hesitated a moment before deciding he would see Mary tomorrow. He needed to talk to Becka tonight.
He ran outside and scanned the buggies until he spotted her in a few buggies from him. He ran towards her and hopped into the buggy before she could take the reins. “What happened?” Aaron could hear the anger, the demand, in his own voice but didn’t try to curb it.
Becka shook her head with a rueful sigh, “You moved on, apparently.”
“You just left. You left without even saying goodbye. It’s been more than a month, Becka, where were you?”
Becka’s eyes were filled with pain as she pursed her lips. “I went to stay with my Englisch aunt in Cleveland.”
“You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I think you made it pretty clear that you weren’t interested that day in the farm stall.”
“Nee, I made it pretty clear that I cared and that I didn’t want you to go.”
“Well, I’m not your concern anymore. You’ve got Mary now. She’s a sweet girl, Aaron; she’ll make a gut wife.”
While they spoke, Aaron didn’t notice that all the buggies had left. Only his abandoned buggy stood across the road as he shook his head. Thunder roared over head as the first flashes of lightning lit up the night sky. “I don’t want Mary to be my wife. I want you, I’ve always wanted you. But you never knew what you wanted.”
“I know what I want now, Aaron. That’s why I’m back. I want you, but I won’t come between you and Mary. It’s clear she’s in love with you.”
“I’m not in love with her.”
“That doesn’t matter. None of this does. We’re in the past, Aaron. It’s time we both moved on.”
Aaron had never felt as hopeless as he did in that moment. He wasn’t sure if it was the weather, if it was Becka’s cool tone of voice or if it was the anger of her leaving without saying goodbye, but he reached for her then. He framed her face with his hands and looked deep into her eyes. “I haven’t moved on. You matter. We matter.”
“We did. But you moved on.”
The heavens opened and rain fell down in a cascade, drenching their clothes. Becka glanced up and sighed as she shook her head. “You had better go or you won’t get through the mud.”
Aaron didn’t want to go. He wanted to talk to Becka, he wanted to ask her why she came back, but he knew she was right. He needed to get home, he needed to check on the calf and he needed to talk to Mary.
He felt badly for just leaving Mary to find her own way home, but he had to talk to Becka. Tomorrow he would go to Mary and then he would find Becka and make sure she never left him again.
Chapter 20
Becka had cried herself to sleep. Seeing Aaron with another girl had upset her mo
re than she had ever imagined. She hadn’t thought his relationship was serious with Mary but, she had seen how Mary looked at him. She looked at him with love and dreams in her eyes, the same way Becka had once looked at Aaron. She wouldn’t be the person to break Mary’s heart; she couldn’t do that to another person.
It was almost lunch time when the bell on the farm stall door rang, announcing someone’s arrival. Becka looked up from the pyramid of potatoes she was repacking, directly into Mary’s hazel eyes.
“I’ve never been here,” Mary said, glancing around the farm stall. “It’s adorable.”
Becka smiled, “Denke.”
“I hope you don’t mind me being so forward as to come see you, but I had to meet you.” Mary started moving towards Becka.
“I don’t want to cause trouble for you. I told Aaron as much last night. We… we were just friends.”
Mary narrowed her eyes and shook her head, “Nee, Aaron and I are just friends. For the last few weeks we’ve spent quite a bit of time together. He’s a gut mann.”
Becka nodded with a smile, “He is.”
“And in all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him look at me the way he looked at you last night. It was like a light went on in his eyes. He clearly has feelings for you.”
Becka swallowed back the tears. How could she answer that? What could she say to make Mary feel better? “You’ll make a better wife.”
Mary laughed, “I might, but I want a husband who lights up when he looks at me. Is that wrong?”
“Nee,” Becka admitted. “I don’t want to come between what you have.”
“You’re not, I think you’ve been there all along, he just didn’t want to admit it. He came to see me this morning. He told me about you, he even apologized for trying to forget you by seeing me…”
Becka looked away; she couldn’t bear to hear how Aaron had broken Mary’s heart.
“Do you know what I realized when he left?”
“What?”
“I realized that we were no more than friends because, instead of feeling jealous or angry, I felt truly happy for him that you came back. I want you to know that. I want you to know that you have my blessing, if you need it. I want you to know that I wish you all the best, and that when he comes to see you today – because I’m sure he will – that you should open your heart and forget about the anger of the past.”
Becka laughed, “You truly are one amazing girl, Mary Leipz.”
Mary blushed, “Denke. I try to be. Just do me one favor.”
“Anything?”
“When you get married, can I be one of your attendants.”
Becka’s eyes widened, “I don’t think we’re there just yet, but of course.”
“Gut. Take care, Becka Raber, and be happy.”
Mary left, leaving Becka dazzled by her kind words. Last night she had been certain it was too late for her and Aaron, only to learn now that Mary wished her happiness.
She returned to the checkout counter and pulled out a clean sheet of paper. She wanted the Englischers to know how kind Amish people were. How generous and how loving they were. She knew not everyone was like that, but they were certainly in the majority.
When the bells jingled again, she finished her sentence before looking up. Aaron stood in the doorway, his green eyes sparkling with joy as he moved towards the counter. “Hullo, my name is Aaron Fischer. My parents have a dairy farm, I’m recently baptized and I’ve been waiting to introduce myself to you for quite some time.”
Becka couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. She held out her hand. “I’m Becka Raber. I was very confused for a long time, but I’m recently baptized and I have clear idea about what I want from my future.”
“And what is that?” Aaron asked with a hint of smile playing on his lips.
“I want to learn how to cook so I can be a gut wife one day. I want to make up for lost time with the boy I left behind to find myself, and I want to apologize for leaving without saying goodbye.”
Aaron shrugged, “I can cook, you don’t need to. We didn’t lose that much time and if that meant getting you back, I’ll never be able to regret it. Your apology is accepted on one condition.”
Becka laughed. What was it today with all the conditions being tossed her way? “Let’s hear it?”
“You’ll ride home with me from the next singing and every singing after that?” Aaron asked, moving around counter.
Becka nodded as she moved towards him. “I can do that, but I have a condition as well.”
Aaron cocked a brow, “I’m listening.”
“Our first daughter is to be named Mary.”
Laughter sounded through the air as they embraced. Becka held on a little tighter than she should have because she couldn’t imagine ever losing Aaron again.
When he finally released her, Becka closed the shop. The farm stall could be closed for one afternoon while she spent a little time with Aaron. She would explain to her mother later and hopefully she wouldn’t be too angry. They walked through the meadows and Becka told him about her time in Cleveland. She told him about her experiences, her aunt Clara and her cousin Louisa, and finally she told him about the articles she was going to write.
Aaron’s smile widened, “So you found something you’re gut at?”
Becka laughed, “I did. They’re even paying me for it.” She told him the amount she would receive per article and Aaron looked impressed.
“Maybe I should start writing as well.”
Becka shrugged, “Or you could just be my inspiration. I’m so happy, Aaron. When I went by the farm…”
“When did you go by the farm?” Aaron asked, confused.
“You were on a picnic with Mary. I stopped by to tell you that I was back, but one of the hands told me you were out with Mary.”
“If I’d known, I would have come straight over. I never got the message.”
“I didn’t leave one, Aaron. I didn’t want to make things awkward for you if you had fallen in love. I wanted you to be happy.”
“How could I be happy without you? Do you even think that’s possible?”
Becka thought of Mary’s words about how Aaron’s eyes had lit up last night, and she smiled. “Are you happy now?”
“I’m the happiest man in Lancaster County,” Aaron said with a smile as he took her hand.
They walked side by side, no longer talking, merely enjoying each other’s presence for the first time in more than a month. As they walked, Becka thanked Gott for giving her purpose, for giving her Aaron, for giving Mary a kind heart and most of all she thanked Gott for letting her come home.
She would never wonder about being Amish again because walking with Aaron made her realize that she had her joy all along, she was just looking in the wrong place. Her joy was walking beside her and, thanks to a merciful God, she would have the rest of her life to discover even more joy with him.
Epilogue
The potato pyramid was already stacked for the next day along with the new jams and preservatives her mother had brought to the farm stall that afternoon. It had been a busy afternoon and Becka was glad to be home. She grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil and took a seat at the kitchen table. This was her time, the time of day when she could let her thoughts pour onto paper and share a little of her life anonymously with the rest of the world. She completely lost track of time as her hand moved over the page, as her thoughts drifted onto the paper and a smile formed on her mouth.
“Don’t you ever run out of words?” Aaron asked as he hung his coat and hat behind the kitchen door.
Becka glanced down at the article in front of her and shook her head. “Nee. Why would I run out of words when I have so much to say?”
“Because there was a time when you couldn’t imagine staying and now you make a living by telling people about your experience of being Amish.” He pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek.
Becka shrugged, “And then I met a mann who told me that there is j
oy in purpose and I find joy in knowing there is a purpose in my articles.”
“I find joy in seeing my wife happy,” Aaron smiled as he moved towards the woodstove. He poured two cups of coffee before returning to the table to take a seat. “Can you believe it’s already our first anniversary?”
“Nee,” Becka laughed. “Just like I can’t believe the bishop married us after just a month of courting.”
“When you know you know,” Aaron smiled and peeked at the article that lay in front of her.
“No peeking,” Becka chastened him, slapping his hand away when he tried to reach for it.
“What are you writing about this time?” Aaron asked, cocking a brow. Becka loved that he took interest in her writing. She still worked in the farm stall most afternoons, but mornings and evenings were for writing. Her articles were no longer only being sold to the one webmaster. She was now selling her articles to four different blogsites.
She glanced over at the bassinet in the corner and a loving smile touched her mouth. “About being a new mamm. I never thought I would be one and yet I can’t imagine not having that little bundle of joy.”
Aaron’s shoulders puffed out a little. “She’s the most beautiful boppli in the entire world.”
“Every new daed says that,” Becka laughed.
“Motherhood suits you.” Aaron reached for her hand and squeezed.
Becka smiled, accepting the compliment. She couldn’t imagine that a year ago she didn’t even know if she wanted to stay in the community. She looked around the dawdi haus they had moved into on the Fischer property, and knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Gott had taken her on a journey, a journey that had caused her and Aaron heartache, but a journey that had also brought them together.
Aaron was the man she wanted to spend her life with, the man she wanted to raise her children with, he was the man she had always prayed for.
The Amish Voice (Amish Romance) Page 7