The Secrets She Must Tell (Lost Sons of Argentina, Book 1)

by Lucy King

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘I’ll give her a call later.’

  ‘How were your meetings?’

  ‘Fine,’ he said, his gaze locking with hers and not letting it go. ‘But I don’t want to talk about my meetings.’

  Of course he didn’t. He didn’t want to talk to her about anything. Why would he?

  ‘I want to talk about us.’

  Oh, the irony. ‘There is no us,’ she said, her chest nevertheless squeezing.

  He went very still, something she couldn’t even begin to identify flickering in the depths of his eyes. ‘Do you mean that?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you clearly don’t trust me.’

  His eyebrows shot up. ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t trust me.’

  ‘Why would you think that?’

  She closed the journal with a snap, a sudden hot rush of emotion obliterating the numbness and firing her deadened nerve-endings. ‘I told you everything about me, Finn. Everything. Yet every time I asked you anything about your parents or anything even vaguely personal you brushed me aside. You told me nothing. Until you absolutely had no choice.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Your adoption. That huge thing that you didn’t think to share with me.’

  He stared at her, a tiny muscle in his jaw pulsating. ‘I couldn’t,’ he said gruffly. ‘I could barely make sense of it myself. I certainly couldn’t have talked about it any sooner than I did. With you or anyone.’

  ‘No one else knows?’

  ‘You’re the only person I’ve told. The only person I wanted to know, I’ve recently realised. You unlocked me in that respect. You made me re-evaluate the past and see things from a different perspective. I don’t regret any of that. I do, however, regret how that conversation ended. I’m sorry. I let decades-old hang-ups get the better of me. I was an idiot for letting you leave.’

  ‘If you’d told me that I mattered to you and that we were in this together I’d have stayed.’

  A flicker of warmth and something that looked like hope leapt in the depths of his eyes. ‘You do matter to me and we are in this together.’

  ‘Because of Josh.’

  His gaze intensified and heated. ‘Not entirely.’

  No, she thought acidly. It wouldn’t do to forget the sex side of things, would it? Or to be careless and ignore the need to protect herself. ‘Yes, well, I have regrets too.’

  ‘What do you regret?’

  ‘Everything,’ she said with deliberate bluntness. ‘Our entire relationship is completely wrong.’

  He paled. ‘In what way?’

  ‘In every way,’ she said. ‘Would you have chosen to be with me if it wasn’t for Josh?’

  ‘That’s a wholly unfair question,’ he said, his jaw tightening as a flash of wariness flitted across his face. ‘Not to mention impossible to answer.’

  Which meant no. And only went to prove her point. ‘Right from the beginning I’ve forced you into doing things you can’t possibly have wanted to do.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘Being a father. Accommodating me and Josh, me in particular. Giving up your evenings. Taking me to bed. The dinner with friends I made you have. Then Paris. The sex. The talking. You name it, I’ve made you do it.’

  He looked at her as though she’d come from another planet. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Deadly.’

  ‘I have never done anything even remotely reluctantly in my entire life,’ he said, his steady gaze fixed to hers. ‘If I want to do something, I do it. If I don’t, I don’t. If I’d known about Josh sooner I’d have been right there with you every step of the way. The night you came into my room and took off your top I wanted you so badly I was at the end of my tether anyway. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you again. Why do you think I spent so much time out of the apartment when you and Josh first moved in?’

  ‘Work?’

  ‘Not work,’ he said darkly. ‘I spent every evening in the fitness suite trying to obliterate the need, much good that it did me. If you hadn’t come to me that night I would have gone to you. You were just quicker, that’s all.’ He gave his head a quick shake and then rubbed his hands over his face. ‘I didn’t deliberately delay us having dinner with friends, although I will admit to wanting you to myself for a while longer. And I didn’t need to take you with me to Paris. I’ve never taken anyone to Paris. Or anywhere else, for that matter. I didn’t even need to be there myself. I don’t usually. I prefer to stay in the background and let my extremely efficient PR company take care of that side of things.’

  She swallowed hard, torn between wanting to believe him and not wanting to believe him. ‘So why did you?’

  He looked at her for a moment, as if the question had taken him by surprise. ‘I wanted to show you my hotel,’ he said with a faint smile. ‘I wanted to show you off.’

  ‘Not for the sex?’

  ‘We weren’t having it then. But I admit there may have been an element of that too. It had been a while.’

  ‘Why didn’t you call me?’

  ‘When?’

  ‘At any point over the last forty-eight hours. It occurred to me that you might be busy thinking about your other family.’

  ‘I wasn’t. I spent the hours I wasn’t in meetings processing the grief for my father that was interrupted when I found that certificate. And then thinking about what you said, how right you were and trying to figure it all out in my head. Would you have answered if I had called?’

  ‘Possibly not,’ she had to admit.

  He leaned forwards and peered at her closely, confusion swirling in the depths of his eyes, a deep frown creasing his forehead. ‘What’s going on, Georgie? Where is all this coming from?’

  Wasn’t it obvious? It was all coming from him. From their situation. From his lack of trust and her crushing disappointment that he wasn’t the man she’d desperately wanted him to be. From the realisation that they had no relationship outside parenting Josh and never would. From his shattering of her heart and the subsequent fracturing of her dreams.

  Or was it?

  Finn was still staring at her, his gaze clear and unwavering, as if he was trying to see into her soul, his presence about the only solid thing she could fix on. And through the fog of nothingness in her head, there was a spark of...something.

  Light.

  Clarity.

  A seed of doubt planted itself in her head, its roots spreading fast and wide. That tiny voice of concern grew louder. And as fragments of what Finn had been saying spun through her thoughts, solidifying, gaining credence, gaining volume, those doubts exploded and she went icy cold.

  Oh, God.

  What if all this had come not from him but from her? From her insecurities, from her illness? What if this was the setback, possibly even the depression, she’d been fearing?

  As she frantically analysed everything that had happened over the last couple of days, the way she’d been feeling, the suspiciousness, the hopelessness and the sadness, her heart began to race and a cold sweat broke out all over her skin.

  She was right in the middle of it, she realised with a sickening jolt. One tug of the rug from beneath her feet, one toss of the sea and she’d tumbled into a return of the paranoia, a deadening lack of energy, of libido, and icy numbness.

  That was all it had taken.

  She wasn’t better, she thought as a shaft of agony and despair cut through her and she began to tremble all over. She wasn’t anywhere near better. She may never be. And it was crucifying.

  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this,’ she said, her throat tight and her eyes stinging.

  ‘Can’t do what?’

  ‘W
hatever it is you think we’re doing.’

  His dark gaze didn’t leave hers, but it did nothing to calm the distress suddenly whirling around inside her. ‘I think we’re building a relationship,’ he said. ‘A real relationship.’

  ‘We aren’t,’ she said hoarsely. Even if he was the man she’d thought he was—and God, she didn’t know which version to believe any more—they couldn’t be. She wasn’t capable of it. She wasn’t strong enough. She didn’t know if she ever would be. ‘We never have been.’

  ‘I disagree. Our civil partnership stopped being a pragmatic arrangement weeks ago. If it ever was in the first place.’ He stopped and took a deep breath. ‘I love you, Georgie.’

  As the words hit her brain a bolt of panic shot through her, denial screaming at her. ‘No.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, his eyes suddenly blazing with a heat that only emphasised how cold and confused she felt. ‘I am head over heels in love with you.’

  How could he be when even she didn’t know who she was anymore? ‘You don’t know me.’

  ‘I do. I know exactly who you are. And I think you love me too.’

  That was what she’d thought once too but now she didn’t know what to think. ‘I don’t know you.’

  ‘You know me better than anyone.’

  ‘Even if I could believe that, even if you’re right, I can’t be what you want,’ she said, her voice breaking. How could she possibly lumber him with her when she was like this? How fair on him would it be if she had a setback every time he did or said something unexpected? How long would it be before they were both walking on eggshells, communicating only about their son?

  ‘Yes, you can. You already are.’

  ‘Do you want more children?’

  ‘Not if you don’t.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘OK, maybe I would like Josh to have siblings,’ he said. ‘Maybe I would like to be part of a bigger family. But there’s surrogacy. Or, dare I say it, adoption?’

  He’d already thought that far ahead? ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, growing cold with fear and desperation. ‘I can’t handle this right now. It’s all too much.’

  ‘Either way, Georgie, I’m not letting you go. I told you I’d keep you safe and I meant it. Whatever is going on we’ll deal with it together.’

  ‘No. We can’t.’

  ‘We can.’

  ‘You don’t understand.’

  ‘I’m trying to.’

  ‘It’s impossible.’

  ‘Nothing is impossible.’

  This is, she thought, sadness and confusion pouring through her. This is.

  ‘I need to go.’

  He recoiled as if she’d slapped him. ‘Where?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said, scrambling to her feet and taking a shaky step back. ‘Somewhere else.’

  ‘Don’t fight me,’ he said, his voice cracking as he rose too. ‘Fight for me. Like I’m trying to fight for you. For us.’

  ‘I told you before, there is no us.’

  ‘You don’t mean that.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘I’ve never begged for anything,’ he said, his voice low and rough, ‘but I’m begging you. If you won’t stay for me, at least stay for our son.’

  Why? What was the point? What good could she possibly be to anyone while still so ill? ‘He’ll be far better off with you than me.’

  ‘He needs you. I need you. I love you.’ He raked his hands through his hair, his eyes wild with confusion and desperation. ‘Georgie, you matter so much to me. The night we met I felt we had a connection that went far beyond chemistry. It was like something in me instinctively recognised something in you. And it’s only grown since then. Everything about you fascinates me. The way you twist your hair and chew on your pen. The way you are with our son, your patience and your gentleness. You’re the strongest, most incredible person I’ve ever met. You confront your fears and deal with them and you’ve made me do that too. You let me get away with nothing. You’re beautiful and clever and funny and the woman I love. I’ve never felt like this about anyone ever. I don’t want to be without you, Georgie. I can’t.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her eyes stinging and her throat tight as she stumbled back in the direction of the door.

  ‘Don’t do this. Please.’

  ‘I have to.’

  He moved towards her and put his hands on her shoulders, his expression fierce. ‘You don’t.’

  ‘I do,’ she cried, wrenching away.

  ‘Where will you go?’

  ‘I’ll let you know.’

  ‘It’s late.’

  ‘I’ll be fine.’

  ‘I won’t let you do this, Georgie. I won’t let you leave. Not this time.’

  ‘This time,’ she said, turning and heading for the door before the tears could spill over, ‘you don’t have any choice.’

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  AS THE DOOR closing rang in his ears, Finn stood there rooted to the spot, reeling as torment and bewilderment spun through him.

  What the hell had just happened?

  He’d returned home, all fired up with ferocious determination and the hammering need to put things right, the rings he’d bought her in Paris burning a hole in his pocket. He didn’t know what he’d expected to find on his arrival. He hadn’t given it much thought. However, if he had, Georgie sitting on the sofa in the dark, pale and drawn, would not have been it. The sight of her had knocked him for six. Concern had slammed into him. But nothing had stunned him as much as the conversation that had then ensued.

  He felt as if he’d stepped into an alternative universe, one in which there were no rules and nothing made sense. Did she really believe everything she’d said? he wondered, his head spinning and his gut churning. That they had no relationship and never would? How could she, after everything they’d been through together?

  Yet that was how it seemed. The more he’d tried to convince her that they did have something, that he loved her, the more she’d backed off. It had been like trying to hold on to water and somehow, unintentionally and agonisingly, he’d made things worse.

  Georgie was not in a good way—she’d walked out on their son—and his entire body began to ache with the knowledge that perhaps he couldn’t help her. Perhaps he’d never be able to help her. Her despair, her desperation and the tears that she’d struggled to contain cut through him like a knife. He’d thought he could bind her to him with a civil partnership, but no ties were strong enough to overcome this. Nor was how he felt about her, because he’d tried everything. He’d tried reasoning with her and then pleaded with her and it had made no difference. He didn’t know how to fix this. Never had he felt so powerless. It was agony. It was terrifying.

  But there was one thing he did know. When she’d told him he didn’t have a choice she’d been wrong. Dead wrong. It was pretty much the only thing he did have right now, and, despite not having a clue about anything, he was making it because he was not losing her again.

  Georgie fled down the hall, the tears that she’d been wretchedly holding back spilling over and streaking down her cheeks. With every step she took the knife slicing her heart to pieces struck harder and faster, the pain flowing through her veins unbearable.

  Why was this happening to her? she thought with a desperate sniff. Why was life, her illness, so cruel? What had she ever done to deserve any of it? Why couldn’t she be happy? Why couldn’t she be normal?

  Reaching the lift, she pressed the button with one trembling finger, but the lift seemed to be as broken as she was because nothing happened, no matter how much she jabbed away at it. And she really needed it to work because she had to escape. She had to find somewhere to hole up and lick her wounds, wounds that were raw and deep and indelible.

  But what if there was no escape? a little voice inside her head cried. Wh
at if no matter how far she ran, how hard she tried, this was always going to be her reality? What if she was destined to be dogged by what had happened for the rest of her life, never happy, never normal? She couldn’t run for ever. She didn’t want to be that person, constantly in fear of the present and the future, continually up and down, vulnerable and helpless. She wasn’t that person. She wouldn’t be. She had to face up to it.

  Starting now.

  What was she doing? she asked herself urgently, taking a step back from the lift, away from the edge. Where was she planning on heading? Was she really going to walk away from Josh? From Finn? Who claimed to love her? Who maybe did love her?

  In the still quiet of the hall, the only sound in her ears the hammering of her heart, Georgie thought about the calm, steadfast way he’d countered all her accusations. About his strength and resilience in the face of her increasing panic. About everything he’d said and done over the last few months. If she accepted that she’d been in the grip of paranoia and doubt caused by her illness then she also had to accept that his version of events was the right one.

  And God, she wanted it to be. She had to take a chance on them. She wanted to take a chance on them. Because she loved him back. He was the man she’d imagined him to be. She hadn’t got that wrong. The happiness she’d felt hadn’t been an illusion. Nor had any of the feelings she had before she’d left Paris. Everything had been real. Her hopes and dreams still lay within her grasp if only she was brave enough to grab them.

  She would take control of this thing winding its wicked tendrils around her thoughts and emotions, she promised herself as she blew her nose and set her jaw. Come hell or high water, she would beat it. She’d seek help and go back on the medication. She should never have stopped taking it in the first place. What had she been thinking when she’d even been warned of the dangers of doing exactly that? She was going to fight for herself. And fight for Finn, for them, just as he’d asked her to.

  With determination powering through her, Georgie spun on her heel and retraced her steps, only to slam to a halt a moment later at the sight of Finn striding down the hall towards her.

  ‘This is not happening,’ he said with a fierceness on his handsome face that heated all the places that had been so cold lately. ‘You are not leaving me. You are not leaving Josh. I love you and you don’t get to run away. I won’t allow it. I know it’s complicated but we’ll figure it out. Together.’