Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  Of course, they'd be right.

  Jaime had also read the locks didn't matter anyway because the hinges were the weak point on the door. He'd read yet another article claiming intruders almost always entered through a sliding door or a window. In the end, he did his best not to think about those things. There was really only so much you could do. Especially when the worst monsters were in your head. Fear was strange like that--sometimes you had to fight it. But Jaime had also learned over the years that sometimes you just had to bolt the door and try to keep breathing until morning. Sometimes fighting only made it worse.

  Setting up an office in his own home had been terrifying at first, but he was used to it now. The locks on the door helped. Once that semblance of security was in place, he went to the kitchen with Dolly at his heels. First, he fed her. Then he started making his own dinner--a salad with blue cheese crumbles and ranch dressing, and a chicken patty sandwich with only lettuce and mustard. He ate the same thing almost every night. Years ago, back when he still went to a therapist, he'd learned obsessive-compulsiveness was a common aftereffect of what he'd endured. For a while, he'd thought maybe that meant he should fight it--he should force himself to try new things. To live "outside the box." He still did that sometimes, but not for something as inconsequential as dinner. Routine helped him feel in control.

  As he chopped the lettuce for his salad, he found his mind drifting to Levi. Levi was hot. There was just no other way to put it. Dark hair grown a bit too long and deeply suntanned skin. Hazel eyes, and a body that was fit and beautiful. He'd had dark stubble on his cheeks and he smelled like the ocean and the sun and everything that was free. He was rugged. Even his name was rugged. Levi. And his voice--it was low and sexy, and somehow he managed to make everything he said sound like a come-on. Jaime shook his head.

  He didn't want to think about Levi.

  Levi was one of them. One of those men who knew how attractive he was and used it. The type who lived his life the way he wanted to, without any thought or doubts. He probably never questioned his sexuality. He probably had sex with different men every week--maybe every night--and never bothered to feel guilty. He was one of those men who other men were happy to be noticed by, and happy to be used by. Jaime wanted to hate him, but he couldn't.

  He envied him, though. He envied him a great deal.

  After eating dinner, Jaime sat on the couch watching a low-budget monster movie until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. It was better that way--better than lying in bed, with his brain still running. He had bad dreams all the time, but he hadn't had the really bad dreams, the ones he considered true nightmares, in close to a year. He wanted to keep it that way. He dragged himself into his room, with Dolly right behind. He locked the bedroom door. He had a deadbolt on it as well and he didn't care that the man who'd installed it had looked at him funny.

  He got into bed, and Dolly jumped up on the other side. She turned in exactly six circles before throwing herself down next to him with a giant sigh. He draped his arm over her and buried his face in her thick doggy fur. She was a stinky dog, yes, but he loved her more than anything else in the world. The locks on the doors helped keep his fears at bay, but it was Dolly who helped him feel normal.

  * * * *

  Levi had his second massage on Thursday. It started much as the one before. After the three initial deep breaths and the attempt to pull his head off his body, Jaime massaged his face. Although Levi felt in this case the term "massaged" was relative. Jaime was squeezing and pushing on different parts of his face, contorting it into expressions that were undoubtedly humorous.

  "What are you doing?" Levi asked.

  "There's a pressure point here somewhere," Jaime said. "If I find it, I can make your face freeze like this, just like your mother always said."

  It took a second for Levi to digest that and to realize the Boy Scout was actually making a joke. "You're full of shit."

  "You think so?" Jaime asked, looking down on him without cracking a smile, although Levi could see the mischief in his blue eyes. "All urban legends start with a kernel of truth."

  Levi laughed, and Jaime moved to his side to work on his left arm. "Do most people talk or just lie here?"

  "Either one is fine."

  "You won't actually let me fall asleep, though, will you?"

  Jaime smiled, although he didn't look up from Levi's hand as he rubbed between his fingers. "Once we get to your psoas, we'll do some movements. Probably on your lumbar as well."

  "And by 'do some movements,' you mean you're going to be sadistic and hurt me, don't you?"

  Jaime just smiled.

  "Okay then, we might as well talk."

  "Fine," Jaime said as he moved to the other side. "What would you like to talk about?"

  "Sex?" Levi asked, just so he could watch Jaime blush.

  "No."

  "I have to work tonight," Levi said. "Why don't you come by and see me?"

  "Don't start that again, Mr. Binder."

  Levi laughed. "You're no fun at all." He meant it as a joke, but he was surprised to see Jaime wince a bit. He'd actually struck home with his barb, although he hadn't meant to.

  "Tell me about your family," Jaime said, before Levi could decide whether or not to apologize. "You said you're from South Carolina?"

  "Yes. Georgetown."

  "Are you an only child?"

  Levi laughed. "Not even close. I have three brothers and two sisters."

  "Are you out with them?"

  "Yes." But he couldn't keep the sadness from his voice when he said it, and he knew by the way Jaime glanced up at him that he had heard it.

  "And?" he prodded.

  Levi sighed. "It's complicated."

  "It always is when it comes to family."

  "Are you out with your family?"

  Jaime frowned. "I guess not technically."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Let's go ahead and work on your psoas now, shall we?"

  And so Levi spent the next few minutes working through exercises, while Jaime pushed on his abdomen and then on his hip. It still hurt, although not quite as much as before. Then Jaime rubbed his thigh, which was incredibly painful. "Are you the oldest?" Jaime asked him, as he worked.

  He knew Jaime was just trying to distract him from the pain, but he decided to let him. "No. I'm the fifth, actually."

  "Tell me about them."

  Levi sighed. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk about his family, but it did help keep his mind off his discomfort. It also helped keep his mind away from how close Jaime's hands were to his groin. "My oldest brother Isaac is a real estate agent. I guess he must be about thirty-seven now. Then there's Jacob. He manages the tire department at a Sears. Then my sister Ruth. She has a bachelors degree in psychology, but she's a stay-at-home mom. She's married to an orthopedic surgeon."

  "The one who told you to get a massage?"

  "Yes."

  "I like him already."

  Levi laughed. "Me too. After Ruth is my brother Caleb. He's only two years older than me. He works at Ultimate Electronics. Then there's me. And then after me is my sister Rachel."

  "That's a pretty big family."

  "You have no idea. Between them all, my parents have nineteen grandchildren."

  The number shocked Jaime enough that his hands stopped moving. "Nineteen?" He shook his head. "Are you Catholic?"

  "Mormon."

  "No way. You're Mormon?"

  Levi sighed. People always reacted the same way. He hated this conversation. "My family is," he said, unable to hide his bitterness. "I'm not." Not anymore. It wasn't that he had ever technically left the church. His name still appeared in the rosters, and home teachers still called him occasionally to see if they could visit. But any comfort Levi had ever found in his religion had been stolen from him by their view of homosexuality.

  Jaime was watching him with a puzzled look on his face. Then he smiled, and Levi saw a mischievous glint in his eye. "So," he said, "how
many mothers do you have?"

  Levi rolled his eyes. "One. Polygamy was banned more than a hundred years ago."

  "What about those sects out in Utah?"

  "They're not recognized by the church."

  "Uh-huh."

  Levi tried not to be annoyed at Jaime's snide tone.

  "And what about the strange magic underwear everybody talks about?"

  "They're not 'magic underwear,'" Levi snapped. "They're called garments."

  "Magic garments, then?"

  "Stop!"

  "Do they protect you from evil?"

  "Of course not."

  "Do they make you invincible?"

  "Give me a break."

  "Then what?"

  He sighed. Catholics burned candles and tossed holy water around and ate funny little crackers and prayed with beaded necklaces to saints, and yet he doubted any of them ever had to answer ridiculous questions like these. "They're a symbol, that's all. A symbol of the covenant we make with God."

  "And the stories claiming they can never be removed?"

  "Are complete bullshit. People always mock what they don't understand."

  "Ah," Jaime said with a teasing smile. "And why aren't you wearing yours?"

  "Not all Mormons wear them, you know. Only those who choose to go through the temple ceremony. And you can't even do that until you've proven yourself worthy."

  "I see."

  He could tell Jaime was laughing at him, and it annoyed him. "What?"

  "I never really thought you had two mothers or you thought the garments were magic."

  "You were just trying to get a rise out of me?"

  "You claim you're no longer a member and yet you're so quick to defend them. I find it interesting."

  It was true. He felt shunned because of his sexuality, but he had never been able to think of himself as not Mormon. "People make fun of us for having strange practices, but they never look at the good things we do."

  "Like what?"

  "Like stressing family is the most important thing we have. And taking care of each other. When I was a kid, my dad lost his job. For almost six months, he couldn't find a new one. With six kids, it wasn't easy. Christmas was sort of bleak that year and on Christmas Eve night, while we were all sitting around playing Yahtzee, the doorbell rang. When we answered it, nobody was there, but there was a box full of packages--one present for each of us kids--and there was a big basket of groceries. And there was an envelope with gift certificates for the grocery store my mom used. I remember my mom just sat there and cried."

  "And it was from your church?"

  "It had to be. I mean, nobody ever said anything. There wasn't a card, but that's the kind of thing they do."

  "But they don't approve of homosexuality." It wasn't even a question.

  "They believe it may not be a choice, but they still believe it's a sin to indulge in the 'homosexual lifestyle.' My parents and my siblings all say they love me, but..."

  "But what?"

  "I disgust them."

  Jaime was quiet for a minute, then said gently, "I'm sorry, Levi."

  "Forget it." He tried to shake off the depression that always gripped him when he thought about his family. He loved them. He had loved growing up surrounded by his brothers and his sisters. He loved playing games on Monday nights for Family Home Evening, and he loved the dances his church held when he was young. Hell, he'd even kind of liked getting up early for seminary in high school. He'd been part of something warm and wonderful back then. He missed his siblings. Sometimes it broke his heart knowing he wasn't one of them anymore. Jaime was still watching him, looking more than a little bit sad. "What about you? Tell me about your family."

  He thought changing the subject to Jaime's family would cheer them both up, but his question didn't make Jaime look any less sad. Not at all.

  "Why don't you turn over now," he said. "Let's work on your back."

  "Yes, master," Levi joked. But he obeyed.

  Chapter 4

  Levi saw Jaime again twice the next week. There was no doubt the massages helped a little. His ass and his leg still hurt. They still slowed him down. But there was a small, yet noticeable improvement as well. Unfortunately, it wasn't the only effect the massages had.

  Levi was becoming obsessed with Jaime.

  He didn't understand it. Jaime was young and naive. He was boyishly cute, but he wasn't the type Levi usually went for. He was pale and skinny and uptight. But the evening after his fourth massage, as Levi fucked some nameless man bent over the table in the storage room, he found his mind wandering to Jaime. He could picture all too clearly what Jaime must look like naked--the pale skin and the soft, round globes of his ass. He could imagine how Jaime's ass would feel in his hands.

  On Monday, the morning he was scheduled to have his fifth massage, he woke from an erotic dream of Jaime massaging his erect cock. He let his mind wander. He let the fantasy grow as he stroked himself to climax, imaging Jaime spread eagle and waiting on the massage table in front of him.

  By the time he arrived at Jaime's for his appointment that afternoon, he knew what he was going to do. He was going to seduce Jaime Marshall. He knew from experience that was all he needed--one good fuck with the kid and he'd be over it--and he figured seducing the Boy Scout would be unbelievably easy.

  Jaime started him on his stomach, and Levi waited until he was on his back to make his move. He needed to be able to see Jaime's face.

  "What are you doing tonight?" he asked as Jaime rubbed his right arm.

  "Nothing," Jaime said. "Why?"

  "You want to go out?"

  "Out where?"

  "Wherever. Dinner? A club?"

  Jaime's eyes met his, his expression guarded. "You're asking me out?"

  "Christ, isn't that what I just said?"

  "As in a date?"

  "What else?"

  "No thanks, Mr. Binder."

  "Don't start that again. It's Levi."

  "I've told you before--"

  "We can stay in, if you want."

  "No--"

  "My place or yours?"

  "Neither."

  Jaime started to move down to Levi's leg, and Levi reached out and grabbed his hand. "Come on, Jaime. Don't be like that."

  Jaime jerked his hand away as if he'd been scalded. "Please, don't touch me."

  It was hardly the reaction Levi had expected. "Why not?"

  "I don't like being touched."

  "Then you sure picked the wrong profession!"

  Jaime pinned him with a withering stare. "Levi, there is nothing about your treatment which requires you to touch me."

  "Okay, okay!" Levi said, holding up his hands. He found the whole thing amusing--a massage therapist who didn't like to be touched. Levi didn't believe it for a minute. Jaime did his magic trick of unwrapping Levi's leg and started to rub his thigh. It still hurt more than Levi cared to admit. "So when are you coming by the club?"

  "I'm not."

  "I've been waiting to show you the back room."

  Jaime's jaw clenched and the intensity of the "therapy" on Levi's leg became considerably more painful. He may have looked small and weak, but he had strong hands.

  Levi did his best not to wince. "Maybe you've already seen it?"

  "I told you, I've never been there."

  "To the club or to the back room?"

  "Either one."

  "If you've never been there, how do you know about it?"

  "I worked with a guy at Borders a few years ago who told me about it."

  "So he'd been there?"

  "Yes."

  "He'd actually used the room?"

  "He said one of the bartenders took him there." Jaime's blush deepened. "Was it you?"

  Levi couldn't help but smile. "Could've been."

  "His name was Clay."

  "I don't bother with their names."

  "Not ever?"

  "Sometimes they tell me, but I tend to forget."

  "So you only care a
bout getting laid?"

  The topic was obviously irritating Jaime, which amused Levi immensely. He liked seeing Jaime flustered for once. "Pretty much, yeah."

  "And what if you're dating someone? Do you still have sex with people at the bar?"

  "Good question. If I ever bother dating anyone, I'll let you know."

  "And you wondered why I said no to your 'date' a few minutes ago."

  Damn. Jaime had him there. Levi felt like he'd walked into a trap and wished for a second he'd kept his mouth shut.

  "So you have sex with them once and that's it?"

  There didn't seem to be any point in sugarcoating it now. "Once. Twice. As many times as they come back. After two or three times, I start to lose interest. Probably never more than four or five times with the same guy. Why? Does that bother you?"

  "Of course not," Jaime said, although the deep blush of his cheeks and the slight waver in his voice suggested otherwise. "It's none of my business."

  "It could be."

  Jaime looked up at him, meeting his eyes for the first time rather than watching what he was doing. His hands actually stopped moving. But he didn't look intrigued or flattered. He looked annoyed. "I have made my position perfectly clear--I'm not interested in being one of your conquests."

  "I'm not sure I believe you."

  Jaime looked back down at what he was doing, and the massage started again. "You can believe whatever you want, but I won't be visiting The Zone at all, let alone the back room."

  "Come on, Jaime," Levi said. He dropped his joking tone. He chose to be suggestive instead. "Aren't you a bit curious? Don't you want to know what all the fuss is about?"

  "No!"

  "Are you seriously telling me you haven't thought about it these last few weeks?"

  "That's what I'm--"

  "Because I have. I've thought about it a lot. About you. I think we could have a great time." Now he was thinking about it again, his body was reacting in a predictable way. He didn't fight it, though. He was having way too much fun to be embarrassed.

  "You should spend less time thinking about things that aren't ever going to happen and more time stretching your leg."

  "Do you have a boyfriend? Is that the problem?" Jaime didn't answer, but Levi could tell he was getting more agitated. His jaw clenched again, and he dug his fingers into Levi's thigh in a way obviously designed to make Levi squirm--and not in a good way. "No answer? Very interesting."