“Sabrina London. Cade’s lover. You know her.”
“I know Sabrina ‘sugar tits’ London and that ain’t her.”
Dunyasha had just returned to the pile with another handful of pixie bodies. It was clear to Amber that Dunyasha had heard Joe’s remark because her body language suddenly changed.
“Joe, formerly of the Tainted,” she addressed him formally.
He bowed his little head. “Mistress Dunyasha.”
She sped to Nico’s side and snatched the rat-shaped slime from his hands. “Pet of my childe.”
“I’m not his—” But the look Dunyasha gave him stopped him from finishing. “Fine.”
“You know what I ask of you, little slime. You know the promises you made to me and the promises I made to you, the protection I offer you.”
“Which is why I’m trying to warn you. Protection is a two-way street. You got my back; I got yours.” Joe squeaked. “Duny, that there’s some sort of knock-off, bobo Sabrina.”
Dunyasha closed her hand around Joe, to Amber it looked like she might crush him. “Silence.”
Dunyasha was nearly motionless, except for seeming to flicker in and out of existence occasionally. Amber rubbed her eyes. She knew it was not a trick, but it still forced her to question her senses.
“I need to know what happened here. I need to know it all.”
“I was in Cade’s jacket pocket. Watched the whole damn drama play out. I saw it all, well, up until he met up with his gargoyle homie,” Joe explained. “I can show you.”
“Interface? Nyet! ” Nico spoke up before he tried to steal Joe from Dunyasha’s hand and failed.
“I know how you feel about it, Nicodemus. I would not. Nor would I ask this of you.”
Amber did not like what Dunyasha implied. “You mean me?”
In a rare moment, the elder vampire smiled. “Yes. You.”
“What does interface even mean? And why does it make me feel icky?”
“Joe. Explain.”
“What it means, blondie—if that is your real hair color—is I stick my tentacles on your bobo head and then I pump that empty noggin up there full of my memories. You get to see what I saw just like you were me.”
Amber did not like the sound of that; it made her senses spike as if responding to a threat. “And what do you get to see?”
Joe laughed. “Yeah, sweet lips, I get to peek around your mind a little while we’re connected. Sure, I get to see some of your memories too. Maybe ones you don’t want me to see. Maybe I get to relive one of your worst benders or maybe I get to experience the best night of lovemaking you’ve ever had.”
“You mean last night?” Amber said, trying to deflect. “Duny, this sounds like a bad idea. A terrible idea.”
“Do not worry, child.”
“Do not worry?” Amber pointed at Joe and shouted. “He’s the fucking enemy! Or have you forgotten?”
“Who’s the enemy? Me? Nah.”
Dunyasha placed her hand on Amber’s shoulder. “You have nothing to fear from him. Joe is…Joe is…emancipated.”
“Free at last. Slime all mighty! Free at last!” Joe cried.
In all her months of preparation and trials, Amber had never felt as apprehensive as she did now. Dunyasha may have seemed to have a similar aim as she did, but she had never outright admitted to it.
Amber’s heart began to race; her goal—her very life was in danger.
I can’t do this. Why would she even want me to?
“You’re asking me to trust the enemy with the details of our…our plan. There’s just no fucking way.” Amber tried to pull her shoulder out from Dunyasha’s grasp, but the elder vampire’s grip had tightened down on her like a vise. “No, Dunyasha. No!”
“I am not asking you do anything, copycat.” In a flash of speed, Dunyasha planted Joe atop Amber’s head and held him in place until he began to transform. “I am telling you.”
“No!” Amber screamed. “Stop!”
She felt Joe ooze over her head until his tiny tentacles attached to her scalp one at a time. She wanted to push him off, but Dunyasha had her held firmly in place.
I-I’m dead. I’m fucking dead… was all she could think.
Joe and the Battle of Long Beach
After he took the form of a rat, Joe perched himself on Cade’s shoulder. He watched Moselle saunter across the street toward a man of similar skin color. Joe would have asked who he was, why she wanted to meet this guy so badly, along with other questions, but he was momentarily mesmerized by the swing of Moselle’s hips and the slight shake of her backside.
“Those Kardashians got nothing on Moselle, right Joe?”
“Huh?”
“That ass?” Cade laughed after he said it. “Come on, Joe, I know that’s what you’re looking at.”
“Yeah,” Joe sighed but then snapped out of the naughty fantasy he had constructed around Moselle’s sexy body. “Yo, wait up, buddy. How’d you know?”
“I’m not dead,” Cade said while combing his hair back with his fingers. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do. And since when did you start saying ‘dat ass’?” Joe grumbled. “And the Kardashians? I never would’ve bet you even knew who they were.”
Cade smirked. “All vampires were explicitly warned to stay far away from them.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, too high profile.”
“Too much drama,” Joe said with a nod. “Gotcha.”
Moselle had finally reached the curb where the other man stood waiting; the distance suddenly struck Joe as odd.
“You know, we could’ve parallel parked. Seriously, Cade, why did we park all the way over here? Some sorta Johnny Reb anti-ambush strategy?”
“That, and I parked over here so we could do exactly what we just did—watch Moselle saunter across the street.”
“Okay, okay.” Joe shook from head to tail. “Tell me, who is this dude again? Honestly, I’m all fuzzy on what we’re doing here. And for a slime that is just plain weird, yo.”
“His name is Rehuerdjersen. Call him Rue. And he’s the only other cursed undead I’ve ever known.”
“So, Miss Egypt here wanted an introduction. I got that part. But you could’ve given her the address and went back to bed. You’re breaking curfew again.”
Nicodemus chuckled.
“I could have, yes, but she wanted more than an introduction. Moselle intends to marry Rue. Right here. Right now.”
“Um…why?” Joe squeaked. “He ain’t even sampled the milk yet.”
“I don’t care why. I owe Moselle a favor and I’m paying it back.”
“And you, big chuckles?” Joe crawled around Cade’s neck to the side Nico stood on. “What you doing here? Don’t tell me—you’re just the driver.”
“I marry them,” Nico said with a nod.
“Say what?”
“Nico is a Russian Orthodox minister,” Cade explained. “He’ll perform the ceremony.”
Joe crawled around to Cade’s chest and looked him in the eye. Cade was smiling and had been since they’d gotten there.
“And why do you look so happy?”
“Who doesn’t love a wedding, Joe?”
“You vex me sometimes, pal. Seriously, yo,” Joe grumbled.
Before Joe could say another word, Moselle spoke, her voice loud and clear. She sounded like an ancient general announcing themselves after a victorious battle.
“I am Moselle Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair, daughter of Anmet Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair, child of Amen Rah Set, God of the Sun,” she proclaimed, her head bowed and her arms up, palms to the sky.
After a long bow, Rue announced himself. “I am Rehuerdjersen Said Bughdady Abaza, more commonly known among our people as Bakenkhonsu, Servant of Khonsu, and High Priest of Amun during the reign of Pharaoh Ramesses II.”
From where Joe stood, Moselle looked happy with his response.
“It is an honor to meet you.”
“Call me Rue. And the hono
r is all mine.” Rue took Moselle’s hand and kissed it. “One such as you, daughter of a Vizier, and from such an important dynasty no less.”
“Do you know me?”
“I know of you.”
“My modeling career,” Moselle said as she adjusted her shiny golden armbands to her upper arms. “Foolishness to pass the copiousness of this cursed endless time.”
“Oh, I know more than just that. I have read about you.”
“Then you knew who I was…when I was human? ”
“Yes.”
Moselle cocked her head. Joe did not need to be interfaced to know what she was thinking. She’s wondering why you never looked her up, guy. You better be careful what you say here, or you’re gonna blow it. And damn, with those lips, I bet she can really blow it…
“Why didn’t you seek me out?”
“When I was reborn, I was told never to seek out others of our kind, that doing so would put them in jeopardy. So I adhered to that rule and left my curiosity to books. But I have studied your life, Moselle Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair. Before and after death.”
“All these years, I wondered but never found a single clue that others like us, save for my parents, exist. And here you are, friend of my friend.” Moselle glanced at Cade and then returned her eyes to Rue. “Once upon a time, when my father fed me history books, I probably read all about your accomplishments.”
“Perhaps a few lines here and there in forgotten texts. I was no one of great importance.”
“Important enough to be cursed as I was. Important enough to be a smaller part of a great whole. Hidden away, a treasure to be found.”
“Hidden, yes. So is the way of our people, Moselle.” Rue raised his hands to the sky. “We must live in fear like—”
“No. No more.” Moselle’s voice boomed when she interrupted. “We hide no more. We fear no more.”
“No?”
“I had a vision, and with it, I was awarded the tool of our deliverance.”
Rue held silent a moment; it was clear he was thinking about what to say. “Come, join me inside for some licorice tea,” he said as he reached for Moselle’s hand. “I’d love to hear all about your vision.”
“No.” She moved her hand away. “There’s no time. I am here for your help.”
Rue bowed. “All that is mine is yours, Moselle. Ask away.”
“We must be joined.”
“Married?” He tilted his head. “I am flattered. But…”
Joe nudged Cade’s neck and whispered, “Oh, this is getting good. Let’s get closer.”
“Sure thing, Joe.”
“Nicodemus!” Moselle shouted but did not turn to look at him. “Bring me my staff.”
Joe looked at Cade and then at Nico. Cade shrugged and whispered to Nico, “The lady asked for her staff, Nico.”
“I bring it to her this one time. Next time, Joe carries it.”
“Hey, how do you think I’d do that?”
“I’d shove it up your ass and—”
“Nico,” Cade interrupted. “Just do it, Colonel.”
Nico retrieved the wrapped-up staff, and the three of them walked it over. Cade waved to Rue, who nodded his head in a slight bow, in response.
“In my vision, I was united with another cursed undead. Together, the parts became…closer to the whole.”
“Yo, why hasn’t she asked me for my parts? I’d love to fit them in her hole. You get me?”
“Joe,” Cade hushed.
“Together our shattered memories will be pieced together as one.”
“You seek to remember?”
“Everything,” Moselle answered. “Don’t you?”
Rue went silent a moment. It was obvious to Joe that he was deep in thought on the subject.
“Have you not felt the crushing loneliness of this world, Rue?” Moselle said matter-of-factly. “I have. It is all part of our curse—a curse I wish to remove.”
“I surround myself with otherworldlies, Moselle.” He turned and opened his arms to the complex. “I am not alone here.”
“When last did you share time with another one of us?”
“A hundred or more years ago, when I was reborn.”
“Do you remember how it felt to be in their presence?”
“No. I have forgotten.”
“Well, I have always felt there is power to gain in intimacy. And now I know there is also power in unity. Let me show you that I am right. Let me award you with knowledge and pleasure unlike you have ever known.” Moselle ran her hand down Rue’s chest, over his white button-down dress shirt.
“Yo, Cade,” Joe whispered.
“What?”
“Is this one of those kinds of marriages where we get to witness the couple…you know, um…consummate, afterward?”
“No,” Cade said and then paused. “Actually, I’m not sure.”
“You are a rare beauty, Moselle, but I have not known a woman in sometime. I doubt… No, I could not live up to such expectations.”
Moselle ran her hand down to Rue’s waist, where she hooked it into his belt. “Are you alive…or are you dead?” She slid her hand farther down and brushed her palm over his groin. “Down here?”
“I am—”
Moselle smiled. “Alive.”
“Fuck! That’s hot,” Joe whispered.
Nico coughed to get everyone’s attention.
“Moselle, we have your staff,” Cade announced.
But she did not turn back or respond.
“Join with me, Bakenkhonsu, and together we will turn a thousand lonely, forgotten nights into one unforgettable day. Together we will bask in Ra’s eternal sunlight. Together, we will return to Egypt and have what is owed to us. What was owed to us. Together, we will breathe life into death.”
Rue nodded. “When do we start?”
“Tonight,” Moselle said sharply. “Everything is planned.”
Joe began to shake. He was unsure if it was nerves or anxiety, but regardless, something had begun to feel wrong. “Yo, Cade,” he whispered. “My slimey-senses are tingling.”
“Your what?”
“Something feels off here. Like bad. You ever hear Miss Lap of Luxury talk like some rising Middle Eastern tyrant before?”
“No, Joe,” Cade whispered back. “But I wager she’s still sore from losing Sabrina to Jackson…I mean Jackson to Sabrina.”
“Yeah, well, she starts talking pyramid schemes, weather domination, or other weapons of mass destruction, and I am outta here.”
“Fair enough.”
“Nicodemus, are you ready to proceed with the ceremony?” Moselle asked as she turned and took the wrapped staff from him.
“Da,” he answered as he patted one of the pockets of his greatcoat. “Ready.”
I gotta admit, this is the part of the story when I kinda was drifting off. I mean the big, dumb abominable snowman was spouting off endless amounts of Ruskie, and none of it had any punchlines.
Sure, it was a wedding ceremony, but damn it was freaking long. Just throw in a “when in mother Russia” joke or two to liven up the crowd big guy, please. Geez. So yeah, I just decided to crawl back into Cade’s jacket pocket and take a nap. It wasn’t until the screams that I poked my head back out. And what I saw, yeah, you can’t blame me for firing off a turd or two after you hear this one.
Moselle and Rue each had a hand on her ancient Egyptian staff. Cade shouted at them. Whatever they were doing, or about to do, he greatly disagreed with it.
Joe sniffed the air. It smelled like death but not fresh death—something he could only describe as creeping death.
“No, Moselle! Don’t do this!” Cade shouted.
“You have nothing to worry about, Cade. You and your childe will not be harmed. We only seek the purest of life energy.”
“And you are dead, my old friend.” Rue nodded.
Cade lifted his hands and waved his palms at them both. “Don’t do this. Not here. Not here!”
“Vampires,” Rue said
, his attention on Moselle, as she began to wave her free hand about. “This one is responsible for the deaths of several of my renters—my friends and his.”
“What are you talking about? I—”
“He plays dumb.” Rue shook his head and then looked Cade in the eyes. “Did you think I didn’t know? Or did you think I didn’t care?”
“I—”
“You were only doing what is natural for your kind. Right, Cade?” Moselle said. “Death—this is natural for my kind. For us. For me!”
Joe watched Cade look at Nico and nod. It was a signal.
Oh shit. It’s going down, Joe thought.
“I won’t let you do this,” Cade said.
A dark purple aura began to seep from both Moselle’s and Rue’s bodies. It grew outward and intensified around their free hands.
“Dammit, Moselle!” Cade shouted.
Joe swallowed hard. He had never seen magical energy like this before, and that scared him to the core.
“Cade, what is that? Cade? Cade? Oh, shit. I just shit myself.”
“Now, Nico!”
Cade shouted and Nicodemus was off. The big, old guy moved faster than Joe would have thought he could. He raced back to the truck and opened the back. Guns, Joe figured. He’s getting guns.
Joe peeked back at Moselle and Rue. Their hands, the ones that gripped the staff had begun to glow so bright it burned his eyes.
“Oh shit, Cade, duck!”
Joe was not sure Cade heard him until he heard a giant whooshing noise followed by what sounded like a zap of static electricity. Cade was flung back with a jolt, and Joe was there for the ride.
“I told you to duck!” Joe screamed as he burrowed deep into Cade’s pocket and returned to his natural form.
Cade groaned loudly. Joe could feel his sluggish motion. Joe oozed himself to the edge of the pocket. All he could see was the truck; it had a burn across its hood. Nico emerged from the back, rifle up, and fired.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
The carbine popped off three shots. Joe did not need to look to know if they successfully hit their target, as Nico was suddenly lifted off the ground by a tentacle of glowing purple energy.
“Nico!” Cade shouted as he stood. “No, Moselle! No!”
Joe shifted back into the depths of Cade’s pocket. He tried to reach for the opening, but Cade was moving too much, and Joe slipped back down.
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