by Mark Tiro
“Excellent words Sabine! Bravo. You have a tongue of gold!” There were smiles everywhere, drinking and singing and laughing. One of the other students thrust a tumbler of wine into my hand.
I said ‘thank you’ politely. But my head was on a swivel, and I looked around, searching, trying to see his eyes, his face. His smile.
I couldn’t see him anywhere.
“Aw, you know I didn’t write those words. I’m not smart like you all.” I said it to no one in particular. “You know, it was Rhys who wrote it. Here’s the real hero.” I blushed, but then I thought of how rude I must be. And so I murmured, “thank you.”
No one answered. I don’t think anyone heard me.
They’d been polite to me, but that was about it. Perfunctory praise only, as they say. But really, everyone was just waiting for Rhys to show up, so they could get close to the hero of the student opposition today. Nothing more.
He’s the smart one, I told myself. I might be clever, but he’s brilliant. Still, I have the skills it takes sometimes to get things done. And he will love me for that. I know he will.
I closed my eyes and savored the moment.
Elias was there. He was one of Rhys’ friends, and his face jumped out at me from the tavern. I was starting to feel uncomfortable there, with no one to talk to. So I hurried over to him and said, ‘hi.’
“Hey there,” Elias answered, just as soon as he came up for air from the swig he was drinking.
“Look at you all here,” I said. “Rhys was great today, wasn’t he?”
“If the Committee doesn’t track him down and kill him first. Sure.”
Elias’ answer threw me off. “You don’t really mean that do you?” I stammered, with half a smile on my face. It concealed my nervousness.
“He’s usually good about laying low, staying in the shadows. But you’ve really gotten the word out there Sabine, if you know what I mean.” He smiled too, but not out of nervousness. It was the smile of an older boy. It did not make me feel any better. “He might just become a regular celebrity because of you.”
I gulped. I didn’t want to think of it. Rhys would tell me everything would be okay. It had been his idea, after all.
I wiped it all out of my mind. “So Elias, do you think the Committee will abolish the Assembly, like everyone’s saying? Because if not, I think you all should run for Assembly, in the elections next year.”
“There won’t be any elections for the Assembly next year,” he said. “That’s just naive. The Committee will never let there be elections again. At least none that are worthy of that hallowed word. If they did, it would be the end of their Committee.”
“So you think they’ll abolish it then? Why do they even keep the Assembly around?”
“Because that was the main accomplishment of the revolution. It’s what made the people abandon the barriers they’d erected all around the cities, and go back to work. Today though, most people don’t care, or even know about what goes on in there. Just as long as there’s no interruption to their network connection, no one really cares about how that happens.”
Elias started to seem preoccupied by now, and he looked around the room. “What are you drinking Sabine?” he asked. “I’ll buy.”
“I, uh, I don’t know,” I said, caught off guard. “Thank you,” I managed, then hastily added, “How about wine?”
“Done,” he said. Then, before I could say anything else, he turned and was gone.
I stood there a while, trying to act comfortable. But that wasn’t easy. Elias had been the one person who would even talk to me so far that night. Now he’d gone off, to the bar, to get me another drink. I waited a while, patiently as I could. Then it dawned on me after a long while went by and Elias hadn’t come back with drinks.
I saw him standing, a drink in each hand, on the far side of the bar talking with two college girls.
“It’s okay, I’ll just wait for Rhys to show up,” I said out loud. “I bet he’ll be along here. I expect it should be any minute.” But he wasn’t here yet. I was talking into the air. To myself. To no one in particular.
And that’s when the door opened.
My heart fluttered. I turned to look. Was it Rhys? Is it you Rhys?
I thought to look out of the corner of my eye, so it wouldn’t be obvious. But I couldn’t help myself, and I turned sharply towards the door, straining to catch a glimpse. I lurched forward, as if by some primal instinct. When I realized this, I tried to relax. At least, to look relaxed. I looked around, casually. I was acutely aware that I was the only one who had jumped up to look.
It’s like you’re a puppy dog and you’ve just seen your first squirrel Sabine! Why? I thought. Just relax. Be cool. Boys like that sort of thing. Look cool.
But my heart was still fluttering. I couldn’t really… look cool, even though I was doing my best to try.
Love. I have loved Rhys, ever since I can remember. My whole life. Since I was almost fourteen. Back then, he was my age. I mean, not the age I was then, but the age I am now. Or will be soon, next year.
He was an older man. But it’s okay, I was interesting. And mature for my age. I’ve always been mature for my age. It’s probably why Rhys has always liked me so much.
I miss him though, now that he’s gone away to university to study. On his first break back, I saw him. Something was different, not quite the same. He was what? Taller? More confident? I don’t know but whatever it was, it made me fall for him, all over again.
Rhys was practically in charge of the student resistance to the Committee for the entire capital here, as far as I could tell.
And then, just like that, I heard, “Elias! How are you?”
The shout came from across the room. I couldn’t see where Elias was for the life of me, or if he had my drink in his hand.
But I did know that voice. I would recognize it anywhere, even in my dreams.
Rhys.
He’d breezed in the door I think, and walked near the place I was standing. But I hadn’t seen him come in.
How’d that happen? I asked myself.
I watched as Rhys went across the bar to where Elias was talking up the girls. They embraced in one of those big bear hugs, the way the boys at university do these days.
That’s okay, I thought. I’m sure he just has important resistance business to speak with Elias about. Maybe technically it’s Elias who’s the leader of the resistance in the city here. Actually, now that I think about it, Elias used to be an Assembly member, no? Well, maybe no. I don’t really have a good mind for these things. Wait. Maybe it was his dad who was the Assembly member? I’m not sure. Still, Rhys is very important to the movement. Very important. He’s practically the brains behind the outfit. So smart. If Elias ever applied himself, he might almost become as smart as Rhys. I considered that a second, then thought, nah, that’ll never happen.
I watched from a distance as they talked.
Somewhere halfway through, Rhys turned his head and saw me. I know he saw me, because he gave me a little nod. Hi! I thought. Come over and talk as soon as you’re done, okay?
I’ll just be here. Waiting. For you to come over.
Oh, I really really wish I had a drink to hold. I’m sure everyone here is looking at me. Wait. No, that’s silly. Of course they’re not looking at me. Why would anyone notice me? Everyone’s looking at Rhys. He’s the superstar. Who wouldn’t want to look at Rhys?
At last, I saw Rhys finish what must have been his serious resistance talk with Elias. I watched as he wandered around to the other side of the bar. He was coming toward me. Right at where I was standing. I quickly looked away, so he wouldn’t think I was desperate or anything. Of course I wasn’t.
“Hello Sabine!”
I snapped around to look.
But it wasn’t Rhys who was there talking to me. It was Gael.
Little, ten year-old Gael.
“Gael! What are you doing here? It’s too late, and past your bedtime to be here. And can�
�t you see? There are no kids allowed here in the tavern.”
“Well, I don’t exactly think you’re all that grown up yourself yet Sabine. Why are you standing off alone here anyway?”
“I’ll have you know, I’m grown up enough to have you tossed out of here. If I had any mind to do it, I would do just that!”
He smiled, and I smiled.
“But I like you. So just this one time, okay?”
“Thanks,” he said, putting his little arms around me in a hug.
“Are you doing okay buddy?”
“Rhys is here, eh?” he said, nodding in his direction more discreetly than any ten year-old I could imagine.
“Yes. But he shouldn’t be here, probably. And you shouldn’t be here either.”
“And why’s that Sabine?” Gael asked.
“Because, after what we pushed out onto the network today, I don’t know how long it’ll be safe. At least around me.” He looked at me, suspiciously, which prompted me to add, “And Rhys. Gael—it’s not safe to be around Rhys and me now.”
“Oh that thing?” Gael shrugged, nonchalantly. “I saw it. Didn’t seem like such big a deal. But good job though, I am proud of you. How’d you get around the network censor protocols?”
I blushed, and was about to launch into a technical explanation of the work around I’d come up with. But before I could, he interrupted with another question.
“So why are you here then Sabine?” he asked. “I know you’re not a true believer in this stuff. You never mentioned a word about politics, or the Assembly—even when the revolution was going on a few years back. Nothing, until… why now? What gives Sabine?”
I was looking at him, and trying to avoid looking to where Rhys had been standing. But it was getting hard, trying to look out of the side of my eye. If he doesn’t walk over here soon, I thought, I’m going to just walk right over to him. I can act casual though, not talk to him directly. Well, maybe I’ll just walk over to get a drink and casually say ‘hi’. Maybe he wants a drink too. Maybe I should buy him a drink, I thought.
“Sabine! Ah, that’s him walking over to us, isn’t it?” Gael exclaimed in my ear, loud enough to deafen me.
“That’s him Gael. That’s Rhys. Maybe you should go, to be safe. Things are really serious here. Grown-up kind of serious. You’ll understand when you’re older.”
“What about when you’re older Sabine?” he said sharply.
“Listen, Rhys and Elias and the others are trying to pave the way for General de la Barca to return and re-take control of the Assembly.”
“Sabine, the people don’t want the Assembly back. I know I’m just a kid and all. But I have my ear to the ground. People say the Assembly’s just a bunch of what’s the word—intl—”
“Intellectuals?”
“Yeah, that’s it. Intellectual entitled types. You know, lawyers, all these college people, more lawyers and so on and so forth.” Gael smiled, proud of himself for being able to use some pretty big words.
“All I know,” he went on, “is that the people on the streets could care less about your college student friends. The last thing anyone wants is to go back to letting smart ‘responsible’ people like them run things. They hold these… intellectuals… responsible for the mess we’re in today. That’s what killed the revolution, people say. Lawyers.”
“How do you know all this stuff Gael? That’s not true. You’re wrong. You’re just a kid, you can’t know what people are thinking.”
“I’m out on the streets every day,” he said. “And I can listen. I can hear. People don’t pay any attention to a little one like me when I’m around. So they just keep talking to each other like they really feel. But I can hear it all, and I understand very well.”
“Okay,” I said. “So what do the people want then?”
“Blood, Sabine. Entertainment, blood, whatever. People just want to go home, to get lost in their network feeds and their virtual sites. That’s why everyone supports the Committee, Sabine. Because it’s the Committee that gives them their blood, their entertainment, their uninterrupted network feed, and the virtual sites everyone disappears into. As long as the Committee leaves them alone, no one cares what the Committee does.”
“Well, Rhys doesn’t agree with you. He doesn’t support the Committee, I’ll tell you that.” I gave Gael my serious look. Then I added sternly, “And I don’t support them either. And what is this blood thing? The people’ve already had their blood. The Assembly gave them their revenge, when it put the crooked king on the network feed, and killed him there in front of everyone. That was their blood sacrifice. That wasn’t enough, they want more?”
“Well, everyone likes to watch the executions on the network each night. It’s great entertainment before slipping off into whatever virtual site is the one that does it for you. It’s like the one thing everyone can share together. One nation—that’s what you all want, right?”
“Gael!”
“Well it is. That’s all anyone talks about. Getting home so they can watch the night’s executions, and then disappear into their virtual networks. There was that terrible network interruption—almost a year, during the revolution. No one will support another revolution. Not as long as the Committee keeps the network up and running.”
I strained to see Rhys at the other end of the bar. He was still there, I could see. But I couldn’t hear anything he was saying, even though the tavern had mostly emptied out by now.
“Sabine! Sabine, do you hear me? Hello!” Gael raised his voice, “This isn’t your fight you know. So stop it. You only joined to be close to Rhys. Why would you want to risk so much over him?”
“That’s not true. I do care. Of course I care. Just look around at all the people here who are risking everything. For liberty.”
“Sabine, I know you. And even if I didn’t, you haven’t stopped turning your head, back and forth, all night. Or at least since I got here. You’ve done nothing but look for Rhys, hoping he’d come over here and talk to you. And he still hasn’t come over.”
I looked down, embarrassed. “That is not true,” I protested. But it was true. He knew it, and I knew it. It was dejecting.
“Don’t feel that way. I’ve known you like forever Sabine. It’s like you’re my mom, big sister, my best friend and teacher—all rolled up into one. I told you I can see things.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So,” he smiled. “I can see. I can see you really like him. Duh.”
He made a silly face, and suddenly he looked all ten of his years again now. “Why don’t you just go over there and say hello to him then? Walk over there, tell him you like him, and ask him if he wants to do it.”
“Gael! You don’t understand. It doesn’t work like that. You’ll see when you get older. When you grow up.”
“When I grow up like you?” Gael laughed. It was sweet. Also, I think he might have been making fun of me. But it was still sweet.
I know it’s not my fight. But who cares if it’s not? It’s important to him—to Rhys. And I want to be important to him. And love is all that matters. I love Rhys, and I know he’ll love me, once he gets the chance to know me better. Anyway, I helped him today! I hadn’t actually even read the message before I pushed it out. But it’s like we’re fighting together. That made me feel good. Probably though, he’s just so focused on leading the resistance right now that he doesn’t have time for little things like talking, or holding hands with girls. I know he likes me though.
Off at the other end of the room, someone turned to Rhys. A girl. She’s smiling, and he’s laughing. Who’s that? Who’s that girl he’s talking to? I strained in my mind to see, but my mind was a mess now, loud and confused. Why is he talking to a girl? She’s not even one of the resistance girls. I’ve never even seen her. No, no. NO.
My mind raced. It got stuck in the mud—all these thoughts!
Then it cleared again, but now it was racing, faster than before. Who is she? And why is he—well, maybe he’s ju
st asking her if she knows where I’m at because he’s trying to find me. You know he has a hard time seeing far away when the light’s dim like this. I’m sure he doesn’t even know I’m down here.
“Maybe I’ll just walk over and say ‘hi’ to Rhys,” I told Gael. “To Rhys, and that girl he’s talking to. I should introduce myself to her, see—“
“Come on Sabine,” Gael tugged at my jacket. “Let’s go home.”
Next thing I knew, we’d walked out the door, and gone down the stairs. I just wanted talk to Rhys. As Gael and I walked home in that warm summer night, all I could think about was Rhys.
We got to my door, and Gael looked over at me.
“Sabine, I don’t want to go home tonight. My dad’s been raging, all day. If I’m lucky, he’ll be passed out when I get back. But sometimes he wakes up, and then it’s bad. Can I sleep on your couch again tonight? Please? Please?”
“Well at least you have a dad!” I blurted. “I haven’t seen mine in like eight years now. Not that I care, because I don’t. But at least you have one.”
“Please Sabine? Just tonight?”
“Sure. But no crying, okay?”
“Thank you, thank you!” he said, and put his arms around me.
“Are you sure your mom’s okay with it?”
“My mom hasn’t left her bedroom in three days now. She just sleeps all day. She won’t even notice you’re here. And even if she does, she probably won’t have the energy to even say ‘hi’. And ‘no’ is a lot harder word to say than ‘hi’.”
That night though, after we were home, after Gael was asleep on the couch, I lay up in bed.
Crying.
Crying for my dad, who was gone.
And for Gael, whose dad drank too much and beat him.
And for Rhys, who would rather speak to some other girl all night than to me.
“I’m sorry,” I said into the air.