"Luke, it's not a big deal."
"It sounds like a big deal."
"You pushed me to move here," she says. "You pushed this on me. Don't be a fucking pussy about it now."
"Ally..."
She folds her arms. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just... I'm trying to handle this the best I can, okay?"
"Why do you have to handle it on your own? Why can't you talk to me about it?"
"I don't know..."
"Tell me what you're feeling. Please. I want to help."
"You'll get scared and run away." Her eyes turn towards the floor. What must be the white sheets spread over the bed.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because you will."
I fight a sigh, racking my brain to figure out some way I can convince her I'm not going anywhere.
"Have I ever gotten scared and run away?" I ask.
"No..." She shrinks further into herself. This is only going to put her further on the defensive.
"You don't have to talk to me, but I'd really appreciate it if you did."
"But it's too ugly. It's too much."
"Not for me," I say. "There's no part of you that's too ugly for me. I don't care how deeply you repress things, how ugly you think they are. You're wrong. I love you, every part of you, even the ones that hurt, even the ones that you hide from me."
"You have no idea..."
"But I want to have an idea. I want to know everything about you."
She takes a deep breath, her chest rising dramatically. "You'll think less of me."
"I won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're everything to me, Ally. You're the honey in my tea."
"You drink your tea black."
"And it's okay like that, but it's better with honey. My life is so much better, so much sweeter when you're around."
Her gaze turns towards the camera, towards me. "That's cheesy."
"I know."
She presses her lips together and nods. "Okay. But I don't know where to start."
"Why did you really skip lunch?"
"It was an accident the first time. I was too busy. But then I liked it. It felt familiar. Comfortable." She presses her fingers together. "I know it's stupid. I've been in recovery a long time. And I didn't even usually restrict. But everything with this play is so overwhelming and every time I try to tell you how scared I am, you tell me I can do it."
"Because you can."
"But that doesn't make me feel any less terrified," she says.
"Tell me about it."
"I fight this panic when I get to rehearsals. I want to lock myself in the bathroom. I'm so out of my league and I've never done anything like this. Not on this scale. I can't get on stage. Not in front of two thousand people who are waiting for me to fail."
"It must be miserable to feel like that," I say.
She nods. "I really don't know if I can do this, but how am I supposed to function with all of this doubt drowning me? I can't."
"You can't run away from it."
"I have to. That's the only way I can get through this."
"I know you hate when I try and play therapist."
She nods. "Yeah."
"So what if you started seeing someone again?"
She blinks a tear away, her eyes on the floor. God, I wish I was really there. So I could hold her and kiss her and promise everything would be okay.
"It's not that I don't want to hear it," I say. "I do."
"Okay."
"You can talk to me. About anything. Tell me every ugly thought you have. I'll listen."
She shakes her head. "Not right now. I have to get through this first."
Dammit. We were off to such a great start. "Are you sure?"
"I'm going to go," she says. "I'm really tired."
"Ally..."
"It's not a big deal."
"You just said that you're drowning in doubt."
"But I'm used to it."
A long silence passes. She's sitting there, alone in that little apartment, the New York skyline filling the room with light. And I'm here, in our living room, nothing around me but grass and pavement.
"Do you remember what you said to me after I punched out Ryan?"
Finally she smiles. "That you're a hopeless idiot?"
"Besides that."
She shakes her head. She's still smiling. It's a happy memory, I guess.
"You told me I don't have to handle everything alone. That you want to be there to share the burden with me," I say.
"I do."
"So let me share this burden with you. I want to help you. It would make me so fucking happy to help you."
"I can't, Luke. Not right now. I can't. I'm sorry. But there's too much. I can't afford to fall apart now."
"But I'll be here to help put you back together," I say.
"You won't be here. You'll be in Los Angeles. You have no idea how bad it gets. You have no idea how far I can fall."
"But Ally--"
"I'm sorry, but I have previews and Laurie is visiting Monday. I have to get through this first."
"On one condition."
She groans. "Condition is a fancy way of saying promise."
"Fine. Then you have to make me a promise."
"I could hang up this call right now."
"But you won't."
She frowns. She hates it when I'm right. "Fine. What's the condition?"
"If you feel like you're going to fall, if you feel like you're too overwhelmed, like you want to hurt yourself in any way, you call me. Okay?"
"Fine," she says. She looks away, her expression strong. "But thanks. I appreciate that you're looking out for me."
"I'd do anything for you," I say.
She nods her way through a good-bye. She's so lonely and scared on her own. I have to do more to help her. I have to do more to pull her out of this.
***
When I bought this house, I cursed its proximity to Laurie's place. She's always inviting Alyssa over, asking her to spend the night like the two of them are teenagers.
But right now I'm ecstatic that we're so damn close to Alyssa's best friend.
I get dressed and run the three blocks to Laurie's house. There's a light on in the living room and a low roar that sounds a lot like TV. She's home.
I knock on the door, but Laurie doesn't answer. A man answers. He's tall, good-looking, with classic black glasses. Exactly Laurie's type.
"Excuse me?" he asks.
"I'm a friend of Laurie's."
"I knew you had a booty call," he says. It's jovial. So they aren't an item. Just friends.
"Shit. At eleven. Only one person that could be. Does he have a lovesick look on his face? And is he just so fucking hot you want to scream?"
The friend laughs. "I wouldn't know." He turns back inside, to where Laurie must be sitting. "You describe me like that when I'm not around?"
"Come in, Luke," Laurie screams. "It is Luke, right?"
"Yeah," I say. The friend moves out of the way to let me inside and he shuts the door behind me.
It looks like it always has--a big couch, a bigger TV, a little bit of mess everywhere.
"This is Zack," Laurie says. "He's a college friend of mine."
"Nice to meet you," I say. Zack and I shake hands.
"And this is the guy I was telling you about. Alyssa's boyfriend."
"Oh, that guy," Zack says. He and Laurie share a smirk. "Sorry. Laurie is a terrible gossip."
"You begged for gossip the minute I picked you up," Laurie says. She laughs.
There's something different about her. She likes this guy.
"I'll apologize on her behalf," Zack says. "Laurie has always been rude. Ever since college."
"So what's up, Luke? I'm guessing it's about Alyssa."
"Is it inconceivable that I'd stop by to say hello?" I ask.
"At this time of night, yeah." She pats the couch and Zack sits next to her. "I don't have any in
formation if that's what you're after."
"But you're visiting this weekend."
"You know, I have a telephone," she says. "And I also have a life outside of the drama hurricane that is you two."
"Me, drama? Don't be ridiculous."
She rolls her eyes. "I'm not spending my hiatus time trying to fix your problems. Get on with it so I can reject your idea."
"I'm worried about her."
"Did you talk to her?" she asks.
"Yes, I talked to her. But she's nervous and there's only so much I can do here."
"So go visit her."
"I will," I say. "But I can't get away from work until next week. And since you're going to be there already..."
"What do you want me to do?"
"She said she's been skipping meals."
"Really?" Laurie asks. Her expression fills with concern. "Are you sure?"
"It slipped out like it wasn't a big deal."
"But that's a huge deal!"
"All I want is for you to check on her," I say. "See if she's lost weight. If she's eating or not eating or being weird about eating."
Laurie looks at me. "I'll check on Alyssa because I care about Alyssa. But I'm not going to spy and I'm not going to give you a report."
"We have the same goal."
"I do like you, Luke," she says. "But you need to grow up. If you want to check on Alyssa, do it yourself. I'm not a tool you can use to make your relationship better. Alyssa is my friend too, and I'll do what I think is best for her."
"All I want you to do is check on her."
"Fine. But I would have done that anyway. And I'm not stupid. I know that if she's slipping in her recovery, I can't be the one to save her. I would talk to you and try and work something out together."
"Good."
"I wouldn't try and manipulate you into doing what I want," she says.
Zack interrupts. "Don't you spend enough time being a hard-ass at work?"
"Shut the fuck up," she says. "You have no clue what this guy is like."
"He seems sweet."
"No."
"It's nice that he's concerned about this Alyssa girl," Zack says.
"Please. Like you know anything about relationships. You haven't had a girlfriend in about eight million years," Laurie says.
"And you haven't had a boyfriend in nine million years."
Laurie smiles. She's definitely got a thing for Zack. She looks at me. "Fine. I can see Zack's point. Alyssa does love you very much and you do appear to have her best interests at heart."
"You think?"
"See! This is why he's so difficult to talk to," she says. "But, I do agree. We should be partners in this mission. Not adversaries."
"You two are ridiculous," Zack says.
"I want her to be healthy as much as you do," she says. "And I'll call you with my findings when I'm back in L.A." Zack clears his throat. "Or sooner if there is something to talk about." She turns to Zack. "Is that good enough?"
"Perfect." Zack turns to me. "You want to watch with us? We're marathoning Battlestar Galactica."
"That's okay."
"You'd like it," she says. "It's way better than Law and Order."
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
"But it's a scientific fact," she says. "All the lawyers on it are greasy jerks."
"Thanks," I say.
Laurie smirks, very proud of herself. "You should see President Roslin. She's--"
"As much of a head bitch in charge as you are," Zack says.
"Shut the fuck up! It's rude to call your friend a bitch, especially when she's kindly letting you stay in her spare room." She sticks her tongue out at Zack. Then she looks back to me with a hint of concern. It must be bad if Laurie is concerned. "I'll walk you out."
When we're out of earshot of Zack, she whispers to me. "I really do want her to be okay, and I will hold it against you if you fuck that up."
"Right back at you."
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Alyssa
The high-pitched ring of my doorbell wakes me.
Laurie.
What is she doing here so early? She's supposed to come over after her big, important New York meeting.
The doorbell rings again. And again. Yep, there's no mistaking it. That's definitely Laurie.
"I'm coming," I say and I roll out of bed.
I drag my heels to the door, squinting to block out the brightness. It's too early to be this bright.
Laurie greets me with a smirk. "I know you normally reserve that line for your boyfriend," she says. And she jumps, yes, jumps into my arms. Like a puppy. "Girl, I missed you. It feels like it's been a century."
"I'd figure you and Luke would be happy to be rid of me, since you both colluded to get me here."
Laurie shrugs, sheepish. "You're not glad you're performing on Broadway?"
"The theater isn't technically on Broadway," I say.
"Broadway means neighborhood. It doesn't necessitate a Broadway address." She enters, shutting the door behind her. She's not carrying any luggage, just a purse and a truly beautiful takeout cup of coffee.
"What happened to your meeting?" I ask.
"Had it early. The producer had to be on location today. We met at six a.m.," she shakes her head. "Horrifying, right?"
I nod. "What's the verdict?"
"I don't think it's happening. He wants to take the feature in a different direction, more 'four quadrant.' You know, code for we can't have a romantic comedy with a female protagonist or we'll turn off the dudebros who don't like these kinds of movies anyway."
"You sound bitter."
"More like annoyed. I'm crazy lucky. I've been working as a TV writer since a few years after college," she says. She takes a long look at me. "Alyssa, I can't lie. You look terrible."
"I didn't get to bed until three."
"I'll make you coffee." She moves to the kitchen, searching in vain for the coffee maker and beans. Laurie makes terrible coffee, even when she uses great beans. Too many years of forcing underlings to get it for her.
"That's okay."
"Girl, I can tell I'm not getting more than a peep out of you until I get some caffeine into you."
"But your coffee-making skills leave something to be desired..."
"Do not even!" She folds her arms. "Fine. Then we'll get it out."
"You want to go out?" I ask.
"Yes."
"You know the TV is here."
"I do more than watch TV. I go to the Paley Center."
Crickets.
"It's a museum about TV... never mind. It was supposed to be a joke." She shakes her head. "I want to show you around the village. With plenty of stops for coffee and food." She puts particular emphasis on the food, like she's also worried I'm not eating.
Great, another person who thinks my business is her business.
That's not fair to her or to Luke, but, right now, I don't care. I'm tired of being on the defensive.
"You sound like Luke," I say.
"Don't get too hot and bothered over it."
She pours herself a glass of water while I get dressed. I check my phone carefully for any contact from Luke. There's nothing new. Why would there be anything new when it's six a.m. in Los Angeles? He probably went to bed before I did and he's probably sleeping right now.
Then again, he's not exactly a sound sleeper. It's perfectly plausible that he spent the night working or watching TV on the couch or making another dirty video for me.
I check my email again, just in case. There's nothing.
"What's the weather like?" I ask.
"Typical late spring shit. Gray and muggy. Jeans and a T-shirt would be fine."
I take her advice and pull on a pair of skinny jeans and a fitted blue T-shirt. It's an outfit I can disappear in.
In the kitchen, Laurie slurps the last drop of her coffee drink and tosses it in the trash can. "Damn, girl. You really do wear clothes. Now, let's get some coffee before we both fall asleep."
/>
***
We make it all the way to the village before we acquire coffee. That's four stops on a crowded subway car. Nearly half an hour of my brain flailing in a torturous caffeine-free state.
When we finally sit down at some little cafe that "absolutely has the best coffee in the city," I am in heaven. It's such a quaint place. Most New York restaurants are tiny--the tables are packed so tightly they're almost touching--but this one is especially cozy. The walls are painted pink and there's a huge clock on the wall that says "it's time for tea."
I take a picture with my phone and send it to Luke. He'd kill to get that clock in his house. Well, maybe not. It wouldn't exactly fit with his sparse I'm not going to decorate until you agree the house is ours not mine decor.
I shake my head. I don't need to deal with anyone's attitude today. I don't need anything but the giant mug of coffee in front of me. It's damn good coffee--strong and nutty with hints of cinnamon. I squeeze honey onto my spoon and bring it to my lips, letting the sweet substance coat my tongue. I could really put this honey to good use under different circumstances...
"Are you going to order food or are you just going to make love to your coffee?" Laurie asks.
"You should know better than to get between me and coffee," I say.
Laurie watches me lick every bit of honey off my spoon. I raise my eyebrows--a real you got a problem? kind of look. She just shakes her head.
"I wish someone loved me as much as you love that spoon."
"It's not the spoon. It's the honey." I squeeze more honey onto the spoon, this time stirring it into my coffee. Then I add a little almond milk and the drink is perfect--sweet, creamy, rich.
"So you and Luke use that when you fuck, right?"
"I need three coffees before I can even think about answering that question."
"He seems like he'd be kinky."
"Oh yeah?"
She nods. "Definitely."
"And what does he seem like he'd be into?" I ask.
Laurie screws up her nose. "I can't even think about it, or I'll get madly jealous that no one is that into me. God. He's so lovesick. Every time I look at him, he's about to burst."
"I thought you were done talking about our sex life."
"Not like that." She stirs sugar into her coffee.
"When did you see Luke?" I ask.
She shrugs like it's no big deal, but she doesn't fool me. Something is up. "You like eggs? This place has amazing omelets. Amazing."
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