by Camy Tang
They returned to the living room, and Charity immediately began babbling to her doll. Arissa sat next to her, not really listening. Her eyes followed Nathan as he took out the cell phone battery and then dumped the phone and battery in the bucket of wash water from the dishes. He glanced at her, but then looked away awkwardly, obviously not sure what to say to her.
She didn’t really want to talk just yet. There was a shivering deep in her gut and an icy coldness that began to spread outward. Where was God in all of this? How could she trust Him to protect them when He hadn’t protected Malaya? The LSLs had already tortured and killed her friend. Who would be next? Nathan’s parents? Hers?
Who else would have to die for her?
“We shouldn’t have refused police protection,” she said to Nathan.
“Don’t second-guess our decision—”
“It seems dumb now that we didn’t want the police knowing about Mark until we’d figured out exactly what he was doing. The police could have protected you and your family, at least. I wouldn’t worry about the LSLs—”
“Stop it.” He gave her a fierce look.
“Why? You’re the only one allowed to feel guilty?”
Charity suddenly grew very quiet and her eyes on Arissa and Nathan were wide. Arissa shouldn’t let her emotional turmoil and disagreement with Nathan upset her niece. This wasn’t her fault. But Arissa’s grief was too sharp, her anger too hot, her loneliness and fear too intense. She tried to calm down, but only felt like a pressure cooker on a hot stove.
Nathan gave her a frustrated shrug. “What do you want me to do about this?”
Hold me. Comfort me. Make all the monsters go away. “I don’t know. Stop being so mean.”
“Mean?” His brows pulled down and he looked even meaner than before.
“My friend is dead and you’re being bitter and angry.”
He inhaled sharply. It looked like he was counting to ten. “I’m not angry at you. We’re in a bad situation here, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Can’t you see the world isn’t conspiring against you?” Can’t you see that our pain should bring us together and not push us apart?
“Can’t you see that maybe the world is conspiring against us?”
“No. No.” She shook her head, even though she knew she’d been thinking that only a few minutes earlier. She felt so abandoned by God, but to start blaming Him seemed too awful. Too raw.
“When I got shot, I felt betrayed,” he ground out. “Not just by Mark, but by God. And I prayed and went to my pastor for counseling, and then came the day the doctor told me I’d never be able to go back to the force, that my career was done.” He was massaging his leg, hard, but he seemed not to notice the pain. “I didn’t abandon God—He abandoned me.”
“He hasn’t abandoned us,” she said in a hoarse voice. But she felt so very alone.
Nathan exhaled sharply and turned away from her.
“He hasn’t,” she whispered, too low for Nathan to hear. It felt like she was trying to convince herself.
Nathan crammed his fingers through his fine brown hair, then paced across the small kitchen, pressing his palm to his forehead. Finally he muttered, “I need some air.” And he slammed out the back door.
Charity had already grown still beside Arissa, but the noise of Nathan’s exit made her start to shake.
“It’s all right.” Arissa wrapped her arms around her, squeezing her perhaps a bit too tightly. She’d been such a quiet child, especially when she first came to Arissa, that she wondered if she’d heard arguments like this in her mother’s parents’ home. Just the hint of tension seemed to frighten her. “I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. Don’t be sad.”
This little girl had become so very precious to her. How could she keep her safe? They had escaped immediate danger for now, but it was always there, one step behind them, snapping at their heels, and Arissa constantly expected it to suddenly bite.
And it wasn’t just Charity she had to protect. What about her parents and all the other people who were affected by this? She’d brought danger down on each of them, too.
She might have felt less helpless if she hadn’t lost that sense of God’s presence. She had felt it for months after first becoming a Christian, but now there was only emptiness.
Oh, Malaya. What have I done?
“Aunt Rissa, why are you crying?”
She hadn’t even realized the flow of her tears. She wiped at her face with her sleeve. “I’m fine.” Her heart was breaking. “Tell me a story about this doll.” She picked up one with blond hair streaked with pink where some child had colored it with a red marker.
She listened with only half an ear to her niece’s rather confusing story involving a daisy and a cell phone. She missed the simplicity of being a child, making up stories for her dolls, making sure they were happy.
But life wasn’t dolls. And now more than ever she realized she couldn’t make everyone happy. But what could she do? What was there for her to do?
The hymn “Trust and Obey” began playing in her head, but that answer seemed so trite. So pat. She doubted the hymn writer had ever been shot at.
She rubbed her thumb into her palm, seeing the bones in her knuckles. Weak. Powerless.
As the words formed in her head, she wondered if that was how Nathan felt. To a man used to being strong and capable, the two injuries he suffered would be frustrating. She was still angry at him, but she also began to understand him. She wished she had had the right words to say to him in the hospital when Shaun was shot, and now in the face of the news about Malaya. She should have been able to comfort him without preaching to him. He probably thought she was trying to shove Jesus down his throat.
Which was ironic since she hadn’t felt very close to Jesus lately.
She should pray. Instead she sat there, listening to Charity with one ear and listening for Nathan’s footstep with the other. How could she pray when she felt a million miles away from God? It seemed almost insulting for her to pray when anger still sizzled inside her at how God had allowed Malaya to die, when she felt so betrayed and abandoned by Him. God wouldn’t want to hear from her now. He’d want to hear from her when she was calmer, more sure of herself and the next step to take, more trusting in God.
But then again, how would she become any of those things without praying?
Oh, God, please help us. What should I do? She bit her lip. Tell me what to do. Give me wisdom.
She felt like she’d done nothing more than spoken aloud to a bare, empty room.
ELEVEN
Nathan didn’t find answers in the pine and redwood trees that lined the small clearing where the cabin stood. They whispered, but he couldn’t understand what they said. At times, he felt they mocked him.
Why had he gotten so upset at her? Why had he let the situation frustrate him this way? He needed to use his head. He needed to stop hurting her. Why was he always hurting her?
Because he was broken, that’s why. He shouldn’t be around her. He was barely able to protect her. She shouldn’t have come to him for help.
Well, it was too late now. He had to do his best for her and Charity. He wouldn’t give up. He wouldn’t stay out here and feel sorry for himself.
He went inside, suddenly noticing the darkness and the biting wind. His hand as he opened the heavy oak door was stiff and ice cold. The house seemed warm to him, but Arissa crouched in front of the fireplace with a blanket wrapped around her. She looked at him with relief as he came inside. “I tried to build up the fire, but I think I made it worse.”
Yes, the blaze had damped to a fitful flickering. Nathan knelt in front while she joined Charity on the couch, where the little girl was curled up asleep under a mound of more blankets. “I should have come in sooner to take care of this,” he said gruffly.<
br />
She didn’t answer, which both relieved him and made him feel guilty at the same time.
Tending to the fire gave him an excuse not to look at her, which made it easier to say, “I’m sorry I got upset.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she said softly. But the mood between them was still stiff and awkward, cluttered with the words they’d flung at each other.
“I’ve been thinking about what we should do,” Nathan said.
“There doesn’t seem many options for us.” She sounded gloomy.
“But there are some things we can still do.” At least for now.
“What, look through Mark’s papers again?” She gestured to the two boxes that they’d brought with them.
Nathan had been intensely relieved that he’d taken the boxes with him to Mr. Brummel’s side of the duplex the night before the men trashed Liam’s place, keeping the contents from the gang, but even he wasn’t sure there was any more information there. “We never really looked into that other key on Mark’s chain.”
“But it’s probably for an apartment, right?”
“Liam pointed out that the key looks new. It could be that the landlord just installed new locks, or that Mark rented a new one, or that Mark didn’t have the key long enough for it to get dinged up. But I’m wondering if this isn’t a key to an apartment. Maybe it’s a key to a cabin like this that Mark bought for cheap.”
“But we didn’t see any large withdrawals from his bank account.”
“He could have received money from the gang and paid in cash without depositing it.”
She looked thoughtful. “True. I would think that if he did buy something like a cabin, he’d have bought other small things like supplies.”
“We can check his credit card statements again.”
Arissa sighed, but said, “Okay.” She untangled herself from where she sat next to Charity’s sleeping form and the two of them sat on a blanket on the floor and sifted through the paperwork again.
They concentrated on the credit card statements, this time looking for small purchases that might point to a second home Mark could have bought. “He wouldn’t have bought something under his name, I suppose?” Arissa said.
“He probably paid cash, maybe under the table. Maybe using a fake name and ID.”
“Why would he want to hide all this from the gang in the first place? He was a mole for them.”
“It probably wasn’t wise to let them know too much about his private business.”
“And what was his private business? Why exactly was he in Sonoma?”
Nathan rubbed his eyes, which felt gritty. “Why would he have an account here rather than some other bank in Los Angeles?”
“Maybe the LSLs really are moving up north. Maybe Steve wasn’t lying about that.”
“Even if it were true, why would they need Mark here? He wasn’t one of the captains and they needed him for his L.A. info.”
Arissa chewed on her lip. “True. And it’s starting to look like the gang didn’t know anything about his movements up here.”
“Plus the rumors are recent. Mark was up here in Sonoma three years ago.”
“Moving a drug operation must take a long time. It could be that the LSLs started working on it three years ago.”
Nathan wanted to retort that it would have been impossible to keep that a secret for three years, but then he wondered. If only the top-ranking captains knew about it, they could be the ones doing most of the logistical work to plan the move. And they were less likely to blab about what the gang was doing because it might cause repercussions with rival gangs. “Maybe.”
“Mark had to have a specific reason for being in Sonoma,” Arissa said. “But none of this tells us. He was so secretive, we’ll probably never know.”
They sat in silence, both of them disgruntled.
“What if...” Arissa swallowed. “What if we can’t find anything? What then?”
He knew the answer, but he didn’t speak for a long time because he was unwilling to voice it. But finally he said quietly, “Then you and Charity need to disappear.”
The muscle at her throat flinched. She didn’t meet his eyes, instead looking into the fire. “I suppose Liam can help us with that,” she said in a flat voice.
“Yes.” He felt hollow when he said it.
“I’ve never been alone before.”
The despairing words hung in the air between them. Nathan didn’t want her to be alone. A woman and child, staying under the radar, running maybe for the rest of their lives? Or until the gang caught up to them. He remembered, then, what he’d told Charity in the bank about not leaving them. He realized he didn’t want to leave them.
He didn’t want to leave them unprotected, that was all. Yes, that was it. “I’ll go with you,” he told her.
The glow in her eyes rivaled the fire. “Are you sure?”
“It’s not safe for just the two of you. But ideally, we have to try to find out what the gang needs with Charity.”
“I don’t want to run, Nathan.” She reached over to take his hand. “And what about my family? Your family?”
Her hand on his looked both delicate and strong. Fiercely loving, fiercely loyal. He turned his hand over to clasp hers. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to run until we’ve exhausted absolutely every lead.” Her voice had the hard edge of determination to it. “Mark may not have bought anything with a credit card in Sonoma, but he had to have talked to people.”
“He talked to my parents.”
“And he might have talked to my Aunt Luellen. My mother said Aunt Luellen never mentioned Mark visiting her, but it was three years ago. She might be mistaken.”
“All right, we can go talk to them tomorrow.”
Nathan didn’t say it, yet they both knew that these were their last leads, and they weren’t very strong. But the alternative was difficult to face.
His parents and her aunt were their last hope.
* * *
More than one head turned as Nathan, Arissa and Charity walked in through the front doors of the Sonoma Police Department. Nathan’s skin prickled as he casually assessed everyone in the front room of the building, disliking the attention. Their entrance shouldn’t have been noteworthy except that the shooting at Liam’s house was probably not a common occurrence in a tiny tourist town, and most of these men and women grew up with both the O’Neills and Fischers.
“Hey, Nathan.” Joseph Fong hurried toward them, a clipboard in his hand. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
Nathan shook the younger man’s outstretched hand.
“Hi, Arissa.” Joseph’s smile was a bit warmer as the turned to her, and he held her hand longer than strictly necessary. However, she seemed to find something about him unsettling, and extricated her hand with a tug.
“Nathan, Arissa.” Another voice called to them and then Charlie Granger was at Joseph’s elbow. “Hi, guys. Are you three all right after yesterday?”
“We’re fine,” Arissa told him with a smile.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get there until late,” Charlie said. “It was my turn to watch your parents’ house, Nathan, so when I got the call to leave my post and respond, it took me a while to get to Liam’s house.”
“It was nice of you to notice me on the side of the road,” Arissa said.
Charlie blushed. “Aw, you were already in good hands since Detective Carter had stopped to make sure you were okay.”
“I wish I’d gotten there a second sooner,” Joseph said. “I might have seen the two guys leaving.” Joseph had been a bit overeager when he’d arrived at Liam’s house. He’d been the first at the scene and squatted next to Nathan and Shaun. When Nathan told him he’d called the ambulance for Shaun, Joseph had asked where Arissa and Charity
were and if they were all right.
After seeing the way he held Arissa’s hand, Nathan wondered if his eagerness had more to do with Arissa than with being a good officer.
“Did you change your mind about police protection?” Joseph glanced at Arissa and Charity. “I’m still more than willing to be reassigned to you—”
“Sorry, Joseph, I just need to speak to Detective Carter in his office. Is he available?”
“Oh, sure. Let me get him.” Joseph wandered back, his crew-cut head disappearing in the sea of other taller officers.
“I know Arissa’s in good hands with you,” Charlie said to Nathan, “but if you ever need us, just call me and Joseph and we’ll come help you out.”
“I appreciate that, Charlie.”
“We’re a bit busier now that we’re not assigned to watching your parents’ house.” Charlie smiled sheepishly. “I have to admit that was kind of boring.”
Joseph returned, panting slightly. “Detective Carter was on the phone, but he told me to bring you to him right away.”
“We don’t want to interrupt him,” Arissa said.
“Naw, I think he was almost done.” Joseph walked them toward the back of the building, guiding them through the officers milling around. “Did you guys find somewhere safe to hole up?”
“Joe, leave off.” Charlie gave him a mild punch to the arm. “They can’t exactly tell you where.”
“Just curious.” But Joseph grinned at the other officer, then turned to give Arissa a wink. She stiffened at the familiarity, although she gave him a tight smile in return.
The exchange irritated Nathan. He told himself it was because there was the possibility that someone in Sonoma had tipped off the gang members about Liam’s house. Had it been Joseph or Charlie? Or any of the officers here? They had access to databases and could have found Liam’s name on the lease.
Joseph knocked on Detective Carter’s door, which was ajar, and although he was behind his desk still on the phone, he waved them inside. In a few seconds, he’d hung up and dismissed the two officers. “Didn’t realize you needed a full escort,” he remarked with a twinkle in his gray eyes as Joseph and Charlie headed back to the front of the police station.