by Trudy Stiles
She smiles again. “Sorry, but I’m not spilling any of my private conversations with Kirsten about him.”
“Oh? So there are conversations. I think that bodes well for Tristan.” I wink.
I want to erase the other day, so it’s like it never happened. This little chat may help do that.
“So, do you still work at the diner?” I ask. More small talk.
“Oh. Yes, every once in a while. Maybe a few days a month. I’ve tried to quit, but they won’t let me.” She chuckles and looks down at her hands. My eyes follow hers and I just want to wrap my hands around hers to feel her warmth. When I look up, she catches my stare.
“You’re a good waitress, always very friendly.” Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. She met Seth in the diner, and I don’t want her to think I’m being a dick. “You know, you are very attentive.” I’m drunk and I should just stop talking.
“Well, the diner is always good for a few bucks. I love the people there, especially Dottie. Also, Kirsten has been really great to me, and I basically run the bookstore. I’m the store manager now.”
She seems very proud of herself. She’s never been proud of herself or anything she’s done. She really has changed and I’m proud of her. I need to tell her.
“I’m so proud of you, Tabs.” I reach across the table and place my hand over hers. She pulls away and fidgets in her seat. I’m upset that I may have overstepped my bounds, but I just want to touch her. I wish she’d let me.
“Thanks. Really.” Her eyes grow glassy.
“So, what were you and Kirsten talking about at the bar? You both looked so intense.” I’m being nosey, but I seriously want to know.
She looks nervous, and I can tell she doesn’t want to talk about it. “Um…” She stops and shakes her head. “Whoa! I’m a little dizzy. Tequila shots. Haha.”
Tequila? I’ve never seen her drink anything like that. She’s evading my question. Do I push her?
“Alex,” she pauses and takes a deep breath, “what are we doing here?”
She’s avoiding my question, but I don’t pry.
“Old friends just catching up,” I respond, but we aren’t old friends. What the hell made me say that? I want to tell her that I made a mistake. That I never should have left her the way that I did. I should have given her the chance to explain to me what really happened with Seth. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, despite what I saw. I loved her too much to do what I did. But I don’t say any of this as she looks into my eyes.
“We’re not old friends,” she whispers, her eyes glistening with tears. She shifts in her seat. “I’m gonna go. I’m drunk and tired, and this all feels pretend. You know? None of this is real right now, so I’m going to go home and go to sleep. Pretend like none of this happened.” She stands up and walks away.
What? It’s not real? She doesn’t feel what I’m feeling right now? I can’t believe this. I look up and she’s already halfway across the bar. Shit.
Garrett and Dax look up from their booth with questioning eyes. I walk past without acknowledging them. She’s out the door by the time I catch up to her. Man, for a drunk girl in heels, she can walk fast!
“Tabs! Wait.” I huff as I stop jogging. I want to tell her that this is all real. That she’s all that I’ve thought about for more than two years. She has to believe me. I need to make her believe. She’s all that I want.
She slowly turns around and our eyes meet. “Please, Alex, please stop calling me Tabs. It’s too hard to hear.” She almost sounds resolved. Her eyes look blank but sad. “There isn’t an ‘us’ anymore. Goodnight.”
Her words tear into me like that fucking rake did so long ago. I feel gutted. My heart drops in my chest when the words she just spoke sink into me.
There isn’t an us anymore.
I suddenly don’t remember what she did to me. To us. I don’t want to remember because I just want to be with her. But her feelings are clear. I’m torn up and broken all over again.
I watch her walk away and I feel helpless. Empty.
I need her.
And for once, she doesn’t need me.
Present
Age 24
I’M OUT of breath when I turn the key to my apartment because I practically ran home from the High Note. I can’t believe what this night turned into. I fully expected to see him there tonight, but what just happened? Kirsten and I were talking about Alex. She was grilling me on how I felt and how I was planning to tell him about Emily. When I spotted him in our booth, I got upset. She tried to get me to go over to see him several times. Then four shots of tequila later, I agreed. That was a mistake. Wasn’t it?
I just don’t know what he wants from me? He hates me, right? Tonight, he certainly didn’t act that way. He touched me. My knee still tingles where he had his hand. God, what is he doing to me? He seemed to want more, but does he really? Will he still when he hears the truth?
I kick off my shoes and stumble into the kitchen for some water. I drank way too much tonight and I need to hydrate before I go to bed. I spy the empty shot glasses and wince, feeling dizzy. Okay, no more tequila for a while. I grab them to wipe them off and notice the logos again. God, they remind me so much of Seth. My heart drops as I close my eyes and remember a conversation about him that I had with my social worker, Michelle, after Emily was born.
My cell phone rings and I don’t want to answer it. It’s only been a few days since I gave Emily up, and I just don’t have it in me to talk to anyone right now. I glance at the caller ID and recognize the number. Michelle, my social worker. Reluctantly, I answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Tabitha. It’s Michelle. Listen, do you have a few minutes? I’d like to catch up with you.”
This sounds ominous. I should say no and just hang up. “Um, okay.” Shit.
“So, I need to tell you that I’ve been in touch with Seth.”
My heart drops when I hear his name. What could she possibly talk to him about?
“Really?” is all I can say.
“Please, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry. I can hear the stress in your voice. Let me explain. As you know, it’s customary for the birth father, or potential birth father, to sign revocation of rights documents. Seth had signed them prior to Emily’s birth, but as with you, the judge also required his signature after her birth and after the revocation period is over.”
“Okay?” I’m still not following where this conversation is going.
“Anyway, the point of my call is to tell you that I spent some time with Seth. He wanted me to share something with you. I’m five minutes away from your apartment. Can I swing by and give it to you?”
My heart is racing right now, just thinking about Seth and what I did to him. I didn’t mean to kiss him that first time, and I certainly didn’t mean for Alex to see it. I got lost in the moment and was drawn to Seth. He was my best friend and I couldn’t stop myself. Seth invested so much of himself into our relationship. He must hate me, and I don’t know if I can handle this.
“Um, I guess so,” I say hesitantly.
“Okay, I’ll be there soon.” She ends the call and I throw myself onto the couch.
Five minutes later, Michelle knocks on my door.
I open the door to let her in and immediately feel uncomfortable. “Michelle, I don’t know if I’m ready for this, just so you know.”
She walks into my apartment with her arms open to give me a giant hug. That’s what I loved about her throughout this whole process. I wasn’t just a number to her but a real person. She’s been so great with me, and it’s wonderful that she continues to check up on me. I’m just terrified of what she has to give me from Seth.
“You look really good, Tabitha. Healthy.” Her eyes find mine and she smiles warmly.
“I’ll make this quick. As you know, I spent some time with Seth while he was signing the post-birth paperwork. He’s really hurting right now as you can imagine.”
Jesus! This is NOT t
he conversation that I want to be having right now. I feel enough guilt to last a lifetime. “I’m sure. Listen, Michelle, can you get to the point of this visit?” I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t need to hear about how much Seth is hurting. It’s just another reminder of the immense pain that I’ve caused everyone around me.
She reaches into her bag and pulls out an envelope. “Seth wanted you to have this. He asked that you read it or throw it away, but he wanted to be sure you got it.” She hands me the letter.
“Thanks.” I don’t know what else to say.
“Okay, so I’m going to go now. You have my number if you need me for anything. Please call me if you need to talk.”
Michelle leaves my apartment.
Now I’m alone with Seth’s letter. I don’t want to read it. Seth probably thinks that I will throw it away, unopened. I want to, but I can’t. If he’s writing to rip into me, then I deserve it and should give him the time. I sit on the couch and tear open the letter. My hands shake as I unfold it.
Dear Tabitha,
I don’t know how to start off this letter. I’m so angry with you for sending me away. I’m just numb all over. But before you stop reading this, know that this will be the only time I’m going to write angry words. Because all I can think about is you and how much I love you. Having this baby together wasn’t ever the right thing for either of us. I know this and I don’t blame you for any of your actions.
I know that we’ve had this discussion many, many times, but you made the right choice. The only choice. You gave Emily a chance at a wonderful life and I’m so proud of you.
I need to tell you that I saw Emily and she’s absolutely stunning. I didn’t know that you had given birth. Michelle called me to tell me that there were papers that I needed to sign, and when I met her at the hospital, she asked me if I wanted to see Emily. I’m sure you can imagine my shock. She explained to me that you went into labor on Halloween. Holy shit, Tabby! You broke up with me on Halloween. I would have been there for you, to help you. You need to know that. Regardless. Even if we never spent another moment together, I would have held your hand and helped you through Emily’s birth. I would have whispered in your ear how much I admired you. You’re strong, Tabby. You just need to start believing it.
Anyway, we went to the nursery and I fell in love. She is just the most precious baby and I saw you in her. Her mouth is yours and her little nose is yours. Michelle let me hold her, and for one second, I almost changed my mind. It was a fleeting moment, but holding Emily and seeing your features in her made me suddenly want our family. Someday. Maybe. Whatever.
Maybe I’m rambling, but I have so much that I want to say to you. I know you won’t see me and that’s okay. You know where to find me, and I’m leaving that ball in your court. You need to heal and find yourself, and I don’t want to get in the way of that.
You did a good thing, Tabby, for wonderful people who deserve a chance of a happily ever after. I know that Emily will bring that to them. And I know that they will give Emily a wonderful life.
My only wish is that you are able to believe in your own strength and find your happily ever after. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, Tabby.
I love you always.
Yours,
Seth
I clutch my chest to stifle a sob. Oh my god, he believes in me. He loves me still. Even after everything I did to him.
I don’t deserve him and I never will. He’s better off without me.
The memory of this moment brings tears to my eyes. I clean the shot glasses and place them back in the cabinet. I can’t bear to part with these mementos from my sightseeing dates with Seth. But, looking back at the ‘old’ me, I could not subject myself to that life again. What I put him through. What I put myself through. I’m stronger than that now. As much as I cared about Seth, I just couldn’t fully love him the way that he loved me. Had I been strong, I would have had the courage to tell him what I felt rather than break his heart over and over again.
I will never be weak again.
I’m feeling woozy and realize that I need to get to sleep. I glance at the clock and see that it’s after midnight.
I pass through the living room and see the crumpled letter on the floor. Fuck! Marta. I should have just thrown it out the other day. I bend down to pick it up, and as I un-crumple it, a soft knock sounds on my door.
“Tabs? Are you awake?” Alex slurs.
Shit. Why is he here?
I consider ignoring him, but I just can’t. I walk over to the door and open it.
“Hey, Tabs.” Alex smiles drunkenly. His eyes are glazed over, and he looks so sexy standing in my doorway. “I needed to make sure you got home safe.”
Seeing him again makes my heart flutter and my cheeks tingle. It could be the buzz, but he always did have that effect on me.
“Clearly I made it home okay. You’re looking at me right now.” I don’t know why I’m snipping at him. There go my defenses again.
“Can I use your bathroom?” he asks, the smile never leaving his face.
“Um, sure.” I move aside so he can walk into my apartment. “You know where it is, right?” Of course he does, because I locked myself in there the other day to get away from him.
I realize that I’m still clutching Marta’s letter in my hand. When the bathroom door opens, I chuck it toward the dining area. I don’t know why, but it just seemed like a natural response. I’ll get it when he leaves.
Alex returns to the living room with a strange look on his face.
“So you left me tonight.” He raises his finger to point at me. “You left me and you weren’t going to give me a chance to tell you everything I’m thinking.” He looks upset as he crosses the distance between us. He’s so close that I can feel his warm breath on my face.
“Alex, it’s late. We’ve both had too much to drink tonight. I don’t think it’s a good idea that you’re here.”
He’s drunker than I am, and that’s saying something. He needs to go before he says or does something that he’s going to regret. I look into his eyes and realize that I’m the one that might do something that neither of us is ready for. I bite my lip and look away.
“No. You need to hear what I’m going to say, so sit down and listen.” He gently grabs my shoulders and pushes me back toward the couch. His touch is warm, and I relax into his hold.
It’s a little comical how drunk he is, and he’s determined to speak his mind, so I sit.
He sits across from me, leaning forward while trying to maintain eye contact with me. “Do you know that I’m proud of you, Tabs? I’m so fucking proud. You became someone … different after I left. But different is good.”
My heart skips a beat when I realize he isn’t here to lace into me. He’s proud of me. He repeats his comment from the bar earlier and now it’s finally sinking in.
His glazed eyes find mine and he smiles. “I’m sorry, really I am. I don’t know what caused you to do what you did with him, but I know that you’re not that person now. Are you?” His voice hitches when he asks me that question.
Absolutely not. I would never do what I did to either of them ever again. I won’t ever allow myself to become emotionally dependent on another person. I’ve learned how to be strong, even if it meant that Alex had to leave me. That gave me the desire to be strong for me.
“No, I’m not that person anymore,” I say quietly.
“Do you …” He stops himself. “Could you still fall in love?” He blinks and looks down at the floor.
Whoa. Where is this going?
“Um, I don’t know.” I want to be able to love again, but I’m afraid to open my heart.
“Oh,” he whispers. He leans forward onto his knees and looks around the room.
“Who’s that?” He raises his hand and points clumsily toward Emily’s picture. Shit!
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I suddenly panic. What do I say? I can not and will not have this conversation now. Holy shit.
<
br /> He starts swaying in his seat and his eyes begin to narrow. He looks like he’s about to pass out. He leans back onto the couch and pulls his legs up. “I’m just going to lay down for a minute,” he slurs.
Shit.
“Alex, wait, you can’t stay here,” I say but he doesn’t even hear me. He’s snoring before his head hits the couch pillow. Oh no! I don’t want him to sleep here. He can’t be here. “Alex?” I say again, hoping he’ll wake up.
He doesn’t respond. What am I going to do? I could call and ask Dax to come get him, but I look at the clock and see it’s almost one in the morning. I realize that there’s nothing that I can do at this point but to make him comfortable.
I go to the hall closet and get a pillow and blanket. As I stand over him, I see the man who has had my heart for years. He’s still as beautiful as ever. His face has softened now that he’s asleep, and I want to trace the stubble on his chin with my fingers. I long to touch him again and feel his hands on me. He takes a deep breath and I watch his chest rise and fall. I want to squeeze next to him and place my head over his heart. I want to know that it still beats for me, like mine has for him all of these years.
I lean over and carefully lift his head to slide the pillow underneath. He doesn’t stir. I move down toward his feet to unlace and remove his black Chucks. Touching him is making my pulse quicken. I cover him up with the blanket, allowing my hands to linger near his chest. “Oh, Alex,” I whisper. I move back toward his face and lightly touch his cheek. God, I’ve missed him so much. He snores softly and turns his head toward me. I lean forward and softly place my lips on his forehead, barely grazing his skin. I close my eyes and linger for a moment, wishing everything was how it used to be. I want so much to move my lips lower to devour his.
I look at the picture that caught his eye before. I can’t allow him to see her again, so I quickly remove all of her pictures from the room. Hopefully, when he wakes up, he won’t have any recollection of seeing her face.