Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  I will tell him about Emily. I absolutely will. When I’m ready, and when I think he’s ready to hear about her. Tonight he showed me that he still cares about me. Oh God, that he may even still love me.

  I’m just not ready to tell him yet.

  Because I’m not ready for him to leave me again.

  Past

  Age 17

  I STARE at myself in the mirror and see tired, worried eyes staring back at me. Dark circles sit on my pale skin. I’m tired. Tired of moving around. Tired of this place that I’m in now. I’m with another new family, the Lohmans. I’ve been living with them for six months. This should be my last foster home before I’m forced into a group home when I turn eighteen. I’m not sure which is worse, and I decide that it’s living here. I will hopefully be out of here soon. A group home has got to be better than this hellhole.

  “Tabitha, get out of the bathroom!” Lucy Lohman yells from the hallway.

  Ugh! I just got in here and she’s bugging me already. I pretend not to hear her and I turn the shower on and wait for the water to get hot.

  “Tabitha, you have five minutes, so hurry up.” She stomps away.

  What a fucking bitch. These people make my skin crawl. I’m one of four foster children living with them, in addition to their eighteen-year-old, pervert son, Richie. Not Richard or Rich. Richie. I cringe every single time Lucy says his name in her shrill voice.

  I strip off my black leggings and tank top, and pull the shower curtain back. Steam rises from the tub. Good, it’s hot enough. The time ticks away before Lucy comes back, but I just need to savor the peace and quiet. I need to feel the warm water on my face. I finish up as quickly as I can, and as I open the curtain to step out of the tub, the bathroom door slowly opens.

  “Lucy, I’ll be out in one minute!” I yell and reach for the towel hanging on the wall.

  The door opens fully and Richie stands there with his sweatpants down to his knees and a disgusting smirk on his face. I freeze where I am when I realize what he’s doing. He’s got his dick in his hand, stroking himself. Oh my fucking God!

  “What the – “ I just can’t get the words out. I quickly wrap the towel around my naked body and pull the curtain back in front of me. His eyes are barely open, but he still stares at me with that sickening grin on his face. “Get out!” I scream. “Get the fuck out of here, you sick fuck!”

  “Mom had to run out to the pharmacy. We’re all alone, and I thought you’d want to see what you do to me.”

  I’m terrified now. Richie is a huge guy, and he can seriously hurt me if he wanted. My chest tightens and my body tenses. I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t. I back into the corner of the tub, trying to get as far away from him as possible. My eyes scan the room for something I can use to defend myself. I see a razor sitting next to the bar of soap. I’m not sure how much damage it can do to him, but I reach out and grab it anyway.

  He moans and his hand jerks faster and faster over his erection. All of a sudden, he tenses up and groans. “Uhhh.” His body twitches, and then he reaches for the tissues on the vanity to clean himself off. I can’t believe what I just saw.

  He turns to leave the room and says over his shoulder, “Next time you’ll get to feel that inside of you.” Then he shuts the door.

  The room starts to spin around me and I think, “The fuck I will, you sick …”

  I gasp and grab onto the sides of the tub as I slide down the wall. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I lean forward to hug my knees and the door flies open again. I try to scream, but I can’t.

  “Your five minutes were up five minutes ago, Tabitha. Get out!” Lucy bellows into the bathroom. I’m still frozen in place. “What, do you need an invitation?”

  “I – can’t – breathe.” I choke on my own words.

  “Get a hold of yourself, girl.” Then she turns and walks out of the bathroom.

  I place my forehead against my knees and take a few deep breaths to try to calm myself. I can’t pass out in here. Naked. Richie could come back.

  I count to ten as I breathe deeply and then exhale. I do this several more times until my head stops spinning. Okay, I think I avoided another blackout episode. I slowly stand, gather my things, and open the door. Lucy waits in the hall and storms past me into the bathroom. She is so damn impatient! I quickly walk across the hall to the room that I share with the three other girls. None of them are here since they didn’t skip school today like I did.

  Richie’s advances keep escalating and I need to figure out how to get out of this place. I quickly dress and scan the room for my belongings. Everything I own fits into one backpack. I open my drawer and shove all of my clothes into the bag. I listen for Lucy to finish her shower and dress. I sit quietly in my room until I know that no one is outside in the hallway any longer.

  “Richie! Let’s go!” Lucy bellows.

  He has a dentist appointment, but he’s not allowed to drive. He lost his license a few weeks ago for reckless driving, so his mommy has to drive him everywhere.

  His footsteps thunder down the stairs and out the front door. My hands still quiver and my heart still pounds. It’s a very rare occasion that I’m alone in the house, so I need to take advantage of this and leave while I can. I reach into the drawer and feel the envelope that I keep taped to the top. I tear it off and open it up. I have about eight hundred dollars that I’ve been saving from my after school job at the donut shop. This money should get me across the country. I plan on taking a bus, or several buses. I stuff the envelope into my backpack and slip on my boots. I look around the room at the bunks lined up against the walls. My foster ‘sisters’ won’t miss me. We barely speak to each other as it is. I silently say goodbye to the last foster home that I will ever step foot in.

  I walk out into the hallway and look toward Richie’s room. If I’m going to do this, I better do it fast. I rush in and open drawers, searching for any money or anything of value. I find dozens of colored condoms scattered in his sock drawer. Ick. The rest of his drawers have nothing of value, either. I look over to the closet and see a lockbox on the top shelf. It’s open with the key still hanging from the lock. What a dumbass. I reach up, pull the box down, and open it. Holy shit! A few wads of bills are rolled up and fastened with rubber bands. I have no idea how much this is, but I take it all.

  Now my heart races and I’m shaking like a leaf. Can I really do this? Can I leave and get away fast enough? If they know that I stole from them, God knows what they’ll do.

  I have to do this. Now.

  I run down the stairs and out the door. I’m terrified as I jog toward the street. I can’t believe I’m doing this! The Lohman’s house is a few blocks from the downtown area. I don’t stop running until I get there. Once I’m on Main Street, I locate the bus stop and ticket booth.

  That’s when I see them. Mrs. Lohman and Richie walk toward their car parked on the street. She’s yelling at him. “Richie! You are such a moron. Your appointment isn’t until next Thursday!” She swats him on the back of his head as she gets into the car. He opens the back door and sits behind her. What a weird family. I duck into a pizza place and watch them drive away. I need to get out of here fast.

  A bus idles in the street and I run to the ticket booth. “Excuse me?” The ticket agent looks up from his computer. “Where is that bus going to?” I ask.

  “Cleveland, Ohio. It leaves in five minutes.”

  “How much?” I ask.

  His fingers quickly click on the computer keys. “Thirty-five dollars.”

  I reach into my bag and grab exact change. When I slide it through the slot, I leave my hand there, tapping my fingers anxiously. The ticket prints out and I grab it from him and run toward the bus. I get there just as the driver is about to pull away. He stops and lets me on. “I was leaving a little early, but I have plenty of room.” He smiles at me as I walk up the steps. After I hand him my ticket, I look up and scan the bus. There are only about twelve people scattered all over
the place. I take the first open seat as close to the front of the bus as possible and flop down.

  I lean against the window and watch as we pull away from the curb. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Leaving my hometown.

  “Goodbye,” I whisper into the window. Goodbye, Philadelphia.

  I hope I never see you again.

  ~

  I arrive in Portland, Oregon three days later. I switched buses in Illinois, Nebraska, Colorado, and Utah. Each leg of my trip made the bus only seem more interesting. People would get on and off, and they all seemed to be randomly choosing the cities they were visiting. Or escaping.

  Thankfully, it was an uneventful trip with no creepers on the bus. I’ve heard horror stories about these kinds of trips.

  I wander around the city for a few hours looking for someplace to stay. I know I need to find a job quickly. I’ve only spent about three hundred dollars on my trek across the county, leaving me with about fifteen hundred. The bastard Richie had about seven hundred dollars in his lockbox. I’m not sure how far that is going to get me since hotel rooms in this city seem to average about two hundred a night. At those rates, I’ll blow through this cash in a week. It’s funny, but I don’t feel bad about stealing from Richie Lohman. For what I had to witness and how scared I was, he owed me big time. I shake my head as I try to erase the image of him jerking off in front of me.

  I turn to walk up the block and literally run into a man. “Oh! I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” I stammer.

  He smiles at me as I push myself away from him. “Where are you rushing off to beautiful?” he asks me.

  Against my better judgment, I tell him. “I’m new here and looking for a job. Can you point me in the direction of a diner or restaurant in the area?”

  He points his thumb over his shoulder to a building behind him. “Tony’s Place. We’re always hiring and we pay top dollar.”

  “Are you Tony?” I ask.

  “No, I’m Dante, the manager. Would you like to come in to check out the place?”

  I answer immediately. “Sure!” If they pay top dollar at this restaurant, I should be able to keep my stash of cash and find a decent place to live.

  He smiles even bigger as he turns to open the door to let me pass. The place is dark and I tense up.

  “It’s okay, honey. We aren’t open yet. We open at four.” He flicks several light switches on and the entire place lights up.

  On one end of the room is a stage with several shiny poles on it. The room is packed with lounge chairs, small bar tables and couches. Oh no! It’s a strip club. Okay, I’m out of here.

  As I turn to leave, I say, “I’m sorry. I’m not looking for that kind of work.”

  He chuckles. “The job I’ve got for you is a cocktail waitress, doll. I’m not asking you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.” He stares at me and then his eyes travel up and down my body, focusing on my boobs. “Of course, if you wanted to do other things, I’m sure we can accommodate that.”

  I shouldn’t be in here and my discomfort is growing.

  “We pay our cocktail waitresses ten dollars an hour, and most of our girls pull in between one and two hundred dollars a night in tips. We don’t require you to share your tips. They’re all yours. All we ask is that you keep the drinks flowing for our customers and keep a smile on their faces.” He winks and smiles at me.

  Wow! That’s a lot of money. My need for independence is beginning to outweigh my nervousness. I start to consider this as a serious option.

  “Are you eighteen?” he asks.

  “Yes.” I lie. I will be soon and if I want this job, I need to lie. This guy gives me the creeps, but holy hell, the money sounds good. I’ll be able to afford a nice place in no time.

  “This all sounds good to me, I think.” I can’t believe that I just landed a high paying job. “I’m looking for a place to stay. Do you have any recommendations?”

  “Oh, here’s the best part. We have an apartment above the club. One of our cocktail waitresses recently left and it’s now vacant. It’s yours if you want it. Tony only charges two hundred dollars a month. Do you want to take a look upstairs?”

  This seems too good to be true. But right now my options are limited. I can always stay here for a few weeks while I get the lay of the land and then find my own place.

  I look back at Dante and he’s staring at my chest again. This should bother me, but I’m too excited to get the ball rolling with my new job. At least he’s not leering at me like Richie Lohman did.

  “Yes,” I answer.

  “Okay, sit down at the table over there, and I’ll be back with some papers for you to sign.” He walks toward what I presume to be an office.

  I look around the club. This place isn’t so bad. It’s not what I picture a typical strip club to look like. It’s very clean and the couches and lounge chairs make it feel comfortable.

  “Okay, we have a few things that we need to go over, and then I’ll show you the apartment upstairs. First, though, what’s your name, doll? I realize that I never asked you.” He chuckles and shakes his head, slightly embarrassed.

  “Tabitha Fletcher,” I state.

  He places the documents in front of me and I sign all of them. I don’t quite understand everything that I’m reading, but it mostly talks about inappropriate behavior with the patrons. I’m not allowed to prostitute myself. What? I almost laugh out loud. I grab the pen that he placed in front of me and start to sign my name on the documents. I don’t see anywhere to put my birthday or social security number, which I find a little odd, but I don’t say anything. If I have to provide him identification, I’m screwed. He’ll know how old I really am.

  “Alright, Tabitha. It looks like we’re all set. Your first shift will be tonight if that’s okay with you. You’ll be shadowing Hollie so you can learn the ropes. Let’s get you upstairs and settled.”

  I grab my backpack and follow behind as he unlocks a heavy door that leads to a long hallway. We pass through several locked doors until we come to a stairway. I follow Dante up the stairs to my new place.

  We step into the small, but comfortable looking living room. “Home sweet home, Tabitha,” he says.

  “Thank you.” I smile and can’t believe this place is all mine. I place my backpack on the couch and turn to Dante. “Can I have my key?”

  “Oh, no need for a key. One of us is always around to let you in. Tony is very security conscious. He doesn’t want our girls to have any keys to the private areas of the club while they’re working. They can be easily misplaced. Or used for the wrong reasons, wink, wink.”

  Hmm, I guess that makes sense. As long as there is always someone around to let me in through all of the locked doors, I should be okay.

  “That’s fine, I guess,” I reply.

  “Alright, see you at ten o’clock. Oh, and don’t worry about what you wear. We have uniforms here.” He leaves the apartment.

  I slowly take in all that’s now mine. I stretch, grab my bag, and head toward the door down the hall. It must be the bedroom. It opens up to a small but comfortable looking bedroom with a queen size bed. I’ve basically been sleeping on a bus for the past three days, and this looks so inviting. I step out of my boots and peel back the comforter. I have several hours before I need to get to work so I’m going to take a power nap.

  I snuggle into the pillow, drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

  Present

  Age 24

  THE WARM sun shines through the window onto my face. My head pounds and I remember the endless shots of tequila that I did last night. I roll over onto my side and try to stop my nausea. Drinking as much as I did was a mistake, but I certainly wasn’t as drunk as Alex.

  Oh shit. Alex is in my living room. I still can’t believe that I let Kirsten talk me into going over to see him last night. And now he’s here. Shit. Thankfully, I hid all of Emily’s pictures so that he doesn’t ask any more questions. I’m still not ready to have that convers
ation with him.

  I get out of bed and change into yoga pants and a long-sleeved tee shirt, my Saturday comfy clothes. I open my door and head to the bathroom. After relieving myself, I wash my hands and face, trying to be as quiet as possible. Maybe if I go out for coffee, he’ll wake up and leave after realizing that I’m not here. Besides, caffeine might loosen the vice grip on my head. Yeah, that may work.

  I tiptoe into the living room, grabbing my boots as I make my way toward the door. Alex is still sound asleep, thank God. I take a moment to look at his calm face and have the urge to wake him up with a cuddle and kisses. Just like I used to do. My heart flutters as I imagine us together again. Ugh. What is wrong with me? I shake my head, grab my keys, and quietly open the door. I look back, but he doesn’t move. Man, he is out cold!

  After grabbing a couple of coffees and a half dozen bagels, I head over to the bookstore. I wonder how Kirsten is feeling this morning, and what happened with her and Tristan last night.

  When I walk in, she’s lying on the couch with her arm draped over her head. The soft music playing through the speakers almost covers her snores. The bell ringing on the door doesn’t even cause her to stir.

  “Kirsten, wake up!” I yell, secretly taking pleasure in doing this.

  She jumps up, startled. “Oh my God! You scared the crap out of me, Tabby!”

  I laugh. “Well, after last night, you’re lucky that’s all I did to you. You know, there is a drawer full of Sharpies over there. I could have had a field day on your pretty face with those permanent markers.” Drawing on her face would help me get back at her a little because I’m still annoyed with her for talking me into going to his table. What did she think we were going to accomplish?

  “Not funny. At. All.” After hugging me and kissing my forehead, she grabs a cup of coffee from one of my hands. “For me?”

  “Yes, of course it’s for you.” I plop down in the chair and ask, “So, what happened with Tristan last night?” She better spill because I’m dying to know what’s going on between the two of them.