by Trudy Stiles
Her smile is infectious and I’m overcome with my own emotions. I want to see her smile again. I want Tabby to be able to see her smile again.
I take out my phone to look at the last text that Tabby sent to me, just a few hours ago. I’ve been impulsively checking my text messages, hoping and praying that there is another one after her last. I know that’s never going to happen and I choke back more sobs.
On my way home. Need to get Sara’s ugly sweater and then it’s party time.
I saw Carly today and we talked about everything. She told me that she saw you with Emily and that you were wonderful. She also said that she noticed something. Your eyes. My God, they’re her eyes. Emily’s.
I love you, Alex. So much. xx
I slip my phone into my pocket, careful not to delete her messages. I will never need a paternity test to know that Emily is mine. I just wish I could to tell Tabby that I understand why she did what she did. We were both in a different time and place, and given the chance, maybe she would do things differently, but I support her decision.
I wish I could tell her again that I forgive her. Completely.
That I love her. Forever.
My chest clenches and I drop my head into my hands. I want so much to hold her in my arms and never let her go. How could this happen to her? To us? My God, what will happen to Sara? This is everything that Tabby feared and more. Why did this happen?
This world is so fucking cruel. Fate is evil and sick. This is a sick fucking joke, right? “Please, let this be a dream,” I whisper into my hands, to no one. But it’s not. It’s so very real and bile rises into my throat.
I don’t know how long I’ve sat like this when I feel a light touch on my shoulder.
“Alex?” Kirsten says quietly.
I don’t want to look up at her. I can’t bear to look into her eyes and hear what she’s about to tell me.
“No, Kirsten. Don’t say it,” I beg her. I can’t bear to hear the words or look at her face. She’s in just as much pain as I am right now.
She takes my hand in hers and forces me to stand. She doesn’t make eye contact. She just pulls me down the long, sterile hallway. Tears blur my vision as she opens the double doors at the end of the hall.
“Alex, look,” she urges and I hear her sobbing. I can’t bring myself to look, and I close my eyes tighter as more tears spill down my cheeks.
That’s when I hear it.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep.
My heart begins to race, and I let go of Kirsten’s hand, open my eyes, and I see her.
“I don’t understand,” I whisper as I swipe my hand over my face, trying to clear my vision.
“She’s alive, Alex. She made it through surgery.” Kirsten sniffles.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep.
It’s the sound of a strong heartbeat. Tabs.
I rush to the hospital bed and take it all in. Her beautiful face is bruised and swollen, almost unrecognizable. An oxygen mask covers her nose and mouth, and bandages protect her head. I sit in the chair next to the bed and reach out for her hand, holding it between both of mine. I can’t believe she’s really alive.
“Tabs,” I say as I lean toward her ear. “Oh my God. Thank God. Tabs.” My voice trails off as I gingerly place my head on the pillow next to hers. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” I say over and over again.
“The doctor said she may not wake up for a while. They had to drain blood and fluid from her skull,” Kirsten says as I cringe listening to her description. “They also removed her spleen, but you don’t need one of those, right?” She chuckles.
I find myself laughing, too, and realize that I’m still scared shitless.
“He said they were able to drain all of the fluid before it put any pressure on her brain, so they are optimistic that she’s going to fully recover,” Kirsten continues when I stop laughing. “They were also able to stop all of her internal bleeding when they removed her spleen.”
I move one of my hands and lightly touch her bruised, puffy cheek. “I’m here, Tabs. I’m here. Rest so you can come back to me. And to Sara.” I kiss her lightly and close my eyes. Relief floods through me in waves. “She’s going to be okay,” is the mantra that I repeat silently in my head.
“I’m going to go get Sara. She needs to see that Tabby’s alive,” Kirsten states.
“No! She can’t see her like this. Tabby wouldn’t want her to. Let’s at least wait until she wakes up, okay?” I’m adamant. Sara can’t see Tabby unconscious and unresponsive. She just lost her grandmother, and in her young mind, sickness leads to death. Tabby looks helpless lying here in this hospital bed, and I don’t want Sara to see any of this.
“You have a point,” Kirsten agrees. “Okay, I’m going to stay with her tonight. I’ll pick her up from Dottie’s and bring her back to Tabby’s apartment. She should be someplace familiar and comfortable.”
I nod as she leans over Tabby.
“Get some rest, honey. You have a very active and happy little girl waiting at home for you that wants to trick-or-treat tomorrow. Okay?” she says as she places a soft kiss on Tabby’s forehead.
She then looks up at me. “Call me in an hour. I’ll get Sara settled, and then I want you to talk to her. She needs to hear from more than one person that her mother is going to be okay.”
I’m amazed at how level-headed Kirsten is being throughout all of this when I’ve been a blubbering mess. Fuck. I thought I lost her. I thought I’d never be able to hold her again.
“Sure, I’ll do whatever you think will help Sara. I agree, she needs to know that Tabs is going to be fine. Maybe if she hears it from me, she won’t worry as much,” I say as my eyes scan Tabby’s face. I want to kiss away all of the bruises and dried blood.
“Hey,” Kirsten says as I look up to meet her eyes. “She’s going to be fine. Remember that, okay? The doctor said that her injuries look much worse than they really are. She’s going to be just fine.” She squeezes my hand, smiles, and walks toward the doors. “Get some rest,” she says as she exits the room.
I look back at Tabby’s face and notice that beyond all of the swelling, the scar on her cheek is barely noticeable anymore. I don’t know if it’s because of the dried blood or if the scar has faded more than I realized.
I think about everything that she’s been through in her past and realize that she doesn’t deserve to feel pain or sadness ever again. I touch her matted hair and vow to build the perfect life with her. With Sara. Damnit, she’s earned her chance at the happily ever after that she always thought was so far beyond her reach.
I recline the chair that I’m sitting in, pull my jacket over my chest, and use it as a makeshift blanket. I face her, gently placing my hand over hers. She seems to be resting comfortably, and as long as I hear the steady beeping of the monitors, I feel good. I’m not going anywhere tonight. Not ever again.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep.
My heart beats in unison with hers as she slowly begins to heal.
I close my eyes and silently promise her the world. My heart. All of me.
Present
Age 25
Dear Tabitha,
(Dictated by Sara, Age 7)
I’m so excited! Nona said that she thinks she knows where you live. She even wrote you a letter. I can’t wait to see you. She told me that you’re going to be so happy to finally meet me that you might cry. But that’s okay.
I cried happy tears when I met Ariel at Disney. She thought it was sweet. Don’t worry, I’ll hug your tears away when I meet you. It will be soon!
Love,
Sara
Tears stream down my face as I finish reading the last letter that Marta helped Sara write. The picture enclosed is her first grade school picture. She is smiling and standing against a Fall backdrop. It’s just so amazing to see these incredible pictures and be given the cha
nce to live through these moments.
She’s at the bakery with Kirsten right now. I think about our friends and how I’m so incredibly thankful for them. Kirsten comes by every single day to do something fun with Sara. Dottie has also been helping out since I came home from the hospital. Not only are they here for me, but they are helping Sara plant some roots here in Philly. To give her a family.
I’m still bruised and sore, but I am mostly recovered. Thank God the city bus was already slowing down to pick up passengers on the corner. Most of my injuries from my fall came when my head hit the edge of the curb. That’s what caused the swelling and fluid to build in my brain. The doctors think that my spleen ruptured when the bumper from the bus rammed into me from the side. I’m incredibly lucky, in more ways than one.
I wince as I get up to place Sara’s final letter in the keepsake box that Marta sent along with all of the letters. I close the box. Resting my hands on the lid I quietly say, “Thank you, Marta. Thank you for giving her back to me.” I wipe the tears from my face and slowly make my way back over to my couch. I also have an envelope full of legal documents that came from Marta’s lawyer. I haven’t read through all of them, but they outline several large trust funds and properties that now all belong to Sara. Tens of millions of dollars worth of bank accounts and real estate. She’s the only heir to the Constantino fortune. It’s uncomfortable to think about where all of this money came from, but I can’t dwell on it now. It will cover all of her education needs and that’s what’s important to me. She doesn’t need to be exposed to the extravagance that this type of money can provide. When she’s old enough, I’ll find financial advisors for her that will help her manage this responsibly. In the meantime, these documents will stay tucked away for safe keeping.
I grimace as I walk back over to the couch. My doctors told me that I would be sore for about six to eight weeks after the accident. It’s been almost five weeks since it happened, and I am definitely healing. I’ve had several MRI’s and CAT scans to confirm that there is no damage to my brain. The headaches are less frequent, and I’m starting to feel like myself again, minus the fading bruises.
“Hey, Tabs. Do you need anything while I’m up?” Alex says as he walks into the room, wearing nothing but a towel. God, this man is perfect. He’s still damp from the shower, and his toned abs are on display, begging for me to embrace them. Lick them. Yes, I need something, and he knows it. I need him, but he’s been so patient, waiting for me to get better. He’s keeping his distance, for now.
I smile into his eyes. “I’m good.” And I really am. Good. Complete. Happy. “Go get dressed. Sara and Kirsten should be back from the bakery any second.” As much as I love staring at his wet nakedness, it’s not appropriate for anyone else. I smile as I watch him walk down the hall to our bedroom.
He took me home from the hospital five days after the accident and hasn’t left. He officially moved in with me and Sara this past weekend when the guys cleared out his place and brought what they could over here. It feels incredible having him here with us, and we promised each other that we wouldn’t waste any more time apart. This feels right. Sara loves him so much already. I guess my accident was the catalyst that brought us together as a family as quickly as we did. He’s absolutely amazing with her and she adores him.
The apartment door flies open and Sara comes bounding in with Kirsten behind her. She has white powder around her mouth, giving away the fact that she’s already had at least one donut.
Kirsten says, slightly out of breath, “Keeping up with that kid is a challenge! She scarfed a donut and took off down the street. She needs a leash.” She laughs and plops down into the seat across from me.
“Hey, it was your idea that she go to the bakery with you,” I remind her and smile. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Smiling. I’ve been sore and in more physical pain than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I’m happy. So incredibly happy.
My life is complete. When I saw Trina’s face in front of me as the bus hit me, I realized that she was there to protect me. She’s my angel. My guardian angel. It’s as if she wrapped her angelic body around mine to protect me from real harm. To erase the awful past and prevent the worst from happening. Even though I was seriously injured, that accident saved my life. It ended the cycle of devastation that I’ve experienced since Trina died.
Halloween had always signified sadness, loss, and death for me. Now it represents life, love, and new beginnings. I’m supposed to be here. Alive.
My family needs me.
Sara bounces into the room and says, “Where’s Alex? He promised that we’d put up our Christmas tree today! Where is heeeeeee?”
Wow, she needs to work off some of the sugar coursing through her veins. I laugh and shake my head. I’m thrilled that it’s now the Christmas season, and we can begin to celebrate together.
“I’m right here, peanut,” he says as he walks into the room. He’s carrying the large box that holds our artificial tree.
She runs, throws herself at him, and wraps her arms around his neck. “Yay! It’s Christmas tree time!”
Kirsten gets up and kisses me on the forehead. “I’m out. Tristan is meeting me at the store to help me decorate.” She grins and picks up her purse. I wonder what else he’s going to help her do. I smile to myself and hope that my best friend finds the kind of love that I have.
Perfect love.
Forever love.
“Bye, Alex. Bye, Sara.” She waves and walks out the door.
I slowly get up to help with the tree.
“Hey, take it easy, Tabs,” Alex says as he leads me back to the couch. “Sara and I can get the tree set up. You relax and get ready to help with the star.” He winks and places a chaste kiss on my cheek.
“Fine, I’ll just sit here and make sure you’re both putting the decorations in the right spots,” I say. I plan to direct them from my comfortable seat on the couch.
The two of them tirelessly assemble the tree, string lights, and place our ornaments all around. My heart flutters at Sara’s excitement when she opens the box that came from Portland. It contains all of her Disney princess ornaments as well as the homemade ones she’s made from the time she went to pre-school until she came to Philadelphia with me. I hug my knees as I watch our past and our futures come together on one tree. Alex adds a few of his own ornaments and lingers over the pictures of himself as a child that he hangs next to Sara’s.
I realize that the holidays may still be hard on Sara, and she will have her ups and downs during this time of year as she remembers Marta. But she’s a strong little girl, so much stronger than I thought she could be. She has been healing and seems to be getting stronger and stronger each day. I know she misses Marta, but she has reached a kind of acceptance that I was never able to find after Trina died. Not until now.
Sara has helped me heal from Trina’s death. She’s a miracle in my life, and I’m so happy that she’s finally home with me. With us.
Seeing Alex and Sara decorate the tree together makes my heart swell. The two loves of my life, sharing and starting traditions that will be ours forever. She nudges him and he tickles her. He holds her up to reach places on the tree that are too high. They sing Christmas carols together, and he makes up silly words, just to make her laugh. My eyes glisten with tears as I see the love he shows for my daughter.
I pinch myself lightly. Yes, I’m actually here.
The family that I’ve always dreamed of is standing in front of me.
I slowly stand up and go to wrap my arms around Alex and Sara. We hold each other silently and stare at our beautiful tree.
The weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders. I squeeze them tighter as I realize that I’ve finally found what I deserve. What I’m meant to have.
Family.
Happiness.
Love.
Forever.
Present
Age 25
I’M FEELING bittersweet right now as I remove my headphones. “Tha
t’s a wrap, boys,” I say as I look around the room at my band. My friends. Epic Fail just laid our last track. They leave for tour in a few weeks, and we just finished our last album together.
I officially stepped down as the lead singer and rhythm guitarist. It was a difficult decision, but they made it easier for me. They all completely understand why and they support me one hundred percent. I’m sad because they’re all my brothers. Yes, even Garrett.
“Hey, this isn’t the end, Alex. Remember, you promised to take the stage with us when we pass through Philly and New York. It’s only fair,” Garrett says as he slaps my back.
“Right, and you’re also helping write the next album,” Tristan looks around the room, “because none of us can write songs like you can.” They all nod as Tristan reclines in the chair.
“You’re doing the right thing and none of us blame you for following your heart,” Dax says looking down at his hands. “We can all hope to find what you and Tabby have, bro.”
They have been auditioning lead singers for the past month and hope to make a decision by the end of next week. They have lots of rehearsals to get in before they hit the road again for the next year and a half. I’ve listened to some of the singers, but I’m trying not to influence their decision. The new singer needs to gel with them, and the decision needs to be theirs.
Epic Fail has done extremely well over the past few years, and I have enough in my bank account to make sure that Tabby, Sara, and I are more than comfortable. I’m happy that I’ll still be writing for the band too, so that will help the royalties continue to flow.
“Okay, guys, I’ve got to get home now,” I say, smiling. For the first time in a long time, I feel at home someplace. With Tabby and Sara.