“I am the baby of the family, with three older brothers. What do you think?”
“I’m the oldest with four younger brothers. I think you’re going to bug the crap out of me.”
“Oh, I think I’ll have you wrapped around my little finger in no time. Or maybe I already do…”
Joanna crumpled up the picks and threw them at Charley, who grabbed the pillow next to her and tossed it at her, both of them laughing.
* * *
Sunday night, Charley attended the NFL dinner with her friends but paid close attention to the Green Bay game, shutting out all the noise and drinking around her. She and Joanna were dead even in the pool scoring after Sunday afternoon’s Chicago Bears loss, and Charley’s chances weren’t good for a Packer win tonight. Their season had been so bad that she half-expected to receive a “The Packers Regret” card in the mail any day. But if by some miracle they pulled it off, Joanna would be taking her out to dinner next week. And for many weeks after.
Brooke finally sat down next to her on the couch. “Look, I know you love the Packers, but this is ridiculous. You’re missing some really good gossip over at the bar.”
Charley glanced at her sideways. “Don’t care. I have a serious bet on this game.”
“A bookie? You never do that.”
“Joanna.” Charley told Brooke about the bet, and then the two of them were completely engrossed in the game. An hour later, Charley could hardly believe it as the football sailed through the goal posts on a Packer fifty-three-yard field goal, securing the win. She let her head sink back onto the couch as Brooke jumped up cheering. Game on, Joanna.
Within five minutes, she had a text from her. Know any restaurants that serve crow?
No, but you can bet I’ll find them.
Joanna sent back an emoji sticking its tongue out.
When Charley got home, she found a set of printable December, January, and February calendars online, and slotted the names of several restaurants she’d long wanted to try into the Monday blocks, scanned the pages, and sent them off to Joanna. Ten minutes later, her phone rang.
“I so don’t care that it’s late and you have to get up for the pool in six hours. Mr. Chow’s Chinese restaurant? Are you kidding me?”
“Haven’t you always wanted to try the most expensive place in town? Wondered why his place is head and shoulders above the little Chinese take-out places all over the city?”
“Honestly, no. I’d rather order from the joint on the corner and watch a movie right here in my living room.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
“I didn’t say that was on the list.”
“So take me to Mr. Chow.”
“Maybe I’ll be adjusting this list later today. It goes against my grain to spend that kind of money on a dinner.”
Charley could hear Joanna tapping a pen and figured she must be sitting at the little breakfast bar that separated her kitchen from her living room. “Keep in mind I am not a cheap date, Miss Thang.”
“Not dating,” Joanna reminded her.
Charley decided she needed to play with a little fire. “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How was that Brooklyn apartment?”
There was a moment of silence, and Charley trusted for once that she hadn’t crossed a line after all the discussions they’d had about both Tricia and Georgia.
“She didn’t like it. Or Brooklyn. She thought it might as well be Oklahoma.”
“Ah. A fellow snob.”
“There is that, yes. You two would get along quite well in that respect.”
“So…she’s still in the picture.”
“Mmm. For now.”
“Have you talked to her about me?” Charley asked quietly.
“Didn’t have to after the bagel shop. She figured it out.”
“And?”
“You were the topic of conversation most of the trip to Brooklyn.”
Charley waited for Joanna to elaborate.
“Of course that was threaded throughout a conversation of what’s left of our relationship.” Joanna sighed. “She thinks she’s got both hands wrapped around the reins. She doesn’t see that the horse slipped them long ago.”
Charley felt a tightening in her chest. Anxiety. It was so hard to control in moments like this. She knew she shouldn’t ask the question; it was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. “Did it?”
Joanna cleared her throat. “There’s a lot I’ve wanted out of life, Charley. I’ve been blessed with the things that have come my way. Other things have eluded me. I’ve never had that really big romance that defines your life. You had it. I know it doesn’t just magically happen, I know you both have to work at it. But you had a quarter century with the same woman, a woman you wanted so much you stole her from someone else.”
“Yes, I did,” Charley said quietly.
“I want that. I always have. But when I embrace it, her, I need to be free and clear. I don’t want to look back with any doubt. And I still have doubts to put away.”
“I think I understand.”
“I’ll take you to Mr. Chow’s tomorrow.”
A tiny raindrop of her own doubt fell, and she hoped it wouldn’t become a deluge. She wasn’t sure she could handle that.
Chapter Twenty-nine
As the predicted blizzard descended on the city Wednesday morning, Charley kept in touch with Tricia. Thankfully, Ted had talked her into staying home. He had become so adept at managing her that it began to occur to Charley that he might be the conduit to convince her to stay home permanently. She’d been using a cane for a couple of weeks now, and Charley could see that a walker was imminent.
Charley had also been texting with Joanna and thanked the gods that she was on duty today. Aware of her worry, Joanna told Charley they had Christmas carols on in the apartment and the three of them were decorating the tree Ted had brought in. “Tricia’s also unpacking the boxes of Christmas decorations,” she said when Charley called. “Did this woman lead a hostile takeover of the North Pole at some point in her career? You should see the stuff she’s unwrapping.”
“I’m familiar with it,” Charley deadpanned.
“Look, if you can get through this blizzard, you should come down for dinner. It’s kind of a party atmosphere here. I thought I’d make eggnog later, and we’re having Moroccan red lentil stew for dinner with a sourdough boule.”
“Because nothing says Christmas like a Moroccan stew,” Charley replied.
“It’s good protein for Tricia. And it’s curried, you food snob.”
“Oh. I love curry.”
“Yes, I know.”
“I never told you that.” Charley was puzzled.
“You forget where I am four days a week.”
“Tricia!”
“There’s only so much law I can talk about, Charley. And you’re her next favorite topic when I’m here. Try and come tonight. I’m sure a handful of cab drivers will be desperate enough to stay on the roads.”
When Charley walked into the apartment that evening, she caught her breath. An eight-foot Christmas tree commanded a corner of the living room, its pine aroma pervasive. Ted had artfully wound a broad candy-cane-striped wire ribbon around it, and among the branches and twinkling lights, she recognized many of the beautiful ornaments she and Tricia had collected over the years, with the glowing star they’d picked up in an outdoor holiday market in Strasbourg atop the tree. Turning slowly, she took in the rest of the room: one of the Metropolitan Museum’s Neapolitan angels nestled in the pine swag over the archway (the other three would be in swags over other doors), needlepoint Santa pillows on the couch, and sitting in one of the big windows, the crèche they’d found in the Vatican gift shop one hot July. She knew she’d find the small old-fashioned red sleigh on the dining room table filled with tiny glass ornaments of every hue, a poinsettia runner down the middle of a bright red tablecloth. Tears filled her eyes. She thought she’d never see all this again, and the joy it brought was mixed with the
sharp pain of bittersweet nostalgia. Laughter emanated from the kitchen, and she knew she should pull it together and join them. Before she could, Joanna came into the living room.
“Oh, good, you’re here.”
Charley attempted to answer, but all that came out was a strangled sound awash in the tears she’d been trying to hold back. Joanna had her in her arms as the full force of what she was feeling hit her.
“I’ve got you, you can let go.”
But she couldn’t. She knew if she did, capping the bottle again would be next to impossible. So, she did what she was best at: she shut it down as Joanna held her tight. And she struggled to push the door shut against the one thought that had been chasing her since Thanksgiving, since this holiday season loomed on the horizon. But now it stood in front of her, Christmas past, present, and future. Even as the present unfolded, she knew that the possibility of ever spending this holiday that Tricia loved so much with her again was gone. The cruelest irony was that the knowledge demanded her attention as she stood in the arms of the woman with whom she was certain she wanted to spend the rest of her Christmases. That that might not happen, either, was a different kind of difficult. Back in control a few minutes later, she went into the bathroom to douse her face with cold water, and by the time she reached the kitchen, she was able to fake the party spirit the snowstorm had dropped on them. Tricia looked genuinely happy, and that brought a sense of peace. The other sense she felt, of warmth, security, and protection, came from Joanna, who stayed nearer to Charley than she did Tricia all evening.
Charley learned at dinner that Tricia had hired a new legal team, a group of young lawyers who’d thrown all caution to the wind and started their own firm, eager now to cut their teeth on her case. Maybe they’d get Trish what she wanted. It was something for her to focus on, and it was obviously bolstering her spirits.
After dinner, Charley excused herself to the kitchen, then returned with a plate piled with éclairs.
Tricia laughed. “Some things never change.”
“I like dessert,” Charley said.
“You like éclairs on your birthday,” Tricia shot back. “And where the hell did you find those in this storm?”
“It’s not my birthday. And there’s an adorable bakery at Twenty-Seventh and Third.”
“You made some poor driver schlep all the way over there on your way down here,” Tricia said.
“It suited his meter and my need for éclairs.”
“When is your birthday?” Joanna asked.
“I don’t celebrate it, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Next Monday, the seventeenth,” Tricia interjected. “So we’re close enough tonight.”
Joanna got up from the table, a sardonic smile on her face. “You forgot a knife to cut these.”
Charley glared at Tricia.
* * *
“Will you honestly be okay with Christmas?” Joanna asked after Tricia had gone to bed. Her iPod was on low, the Christmas carols still playing. The fire Charley had built in the large marble fireplace was beginning to die down.
“The ghost of Christmas past caught me off guard, that’s all.” Charley picked up the poker, moved the screen aside, and shoved a burnt log farther back on the brazier. “I had let Christmas go. I let a lot of things go after we broke up, and I shouldn’t have. I robbed myself. And probably my friends, too.”
“I think you were healing. Nothing wrong with that.”
“Except that it’s taken so long. Too long.”
“You think there’s a time frame on healing? Some universal timetable? Scraped knee, one week. Bruised ego, three days, but symptoms may recur every few weeks. Broken heart, sixteen months.”
Charley looked at her skeptically.
“I’m still triaging things from two years ago because they keep breaking open and bleeding. That adage, time heals all wounds, is nonsense. Time just gives us perspective so we can struggle with what we might’ve done but didn’t or couldn’t. Genuine healing? That’s rare.”
“Sort of ironic, coming from someone in the business.”
“Someone who knows that even the human body doesn’t always heal, Charley.”
“Still bleeding from Georgia?”
“Perhaps not as much as you are with the wounds that were opened today.”
Charley sat down heavily on the couch.
“Maybe we should find a football game. Some college has to be playing tonight.”
“No,” Charley said, putting her hand on Joanna’s thigh. “I like this, sitting here talking with you in front of a…well, not so roaring fire.”
Joanna smiled. “Okay. Then I have to ask two things. Why don’t you celebrate your birthday?”
Charley studied Joanna for a moment. “I haven’t celebrated anything since I left Tricia. I think letting these holidays just be another day of the week was armor. But as Brooke recently pointed out, that’s been a little bit selfish of me.”
“It probably has been. But we’re all allowed to be a little selfish sometimes.” Joanna nodded slowly. “I like that you told me, though. You let me in.”
Charley sat back and looked at her.
“You know,” Joanna said, “Monday was supposed to be our dinner at Dock’s.”
Her voice, soft, low, intimate, felt like silk being drawn across Charley’s skin.
“Was?”
“We’re not going out. I’ll make a birthday dinner for you at your apartment.”
“Are you sure we should do that?”
“Don’t worry, I won’t skimp. It’ll be as nice as if we were going out. Only you’ll have to provide the candlelight.”
“I’m not talking about the money.”
Joanna’s gaze pinned her to the couch. “And I’m simply talking about dinner, Charley, nothing more.”
Charley nodded. “Noted. What was the second thing you wanted to ask me?”
“Oh, right.” Joanna fidgeted with the pillow in her lap. “Christmas we’ll be with Tricia.” She glanced at Charley. “I don’t know what you…how you’ll…New Year’s Eve…”
Charley cocked her head. “I sense a yawning chasm here. Do you need me to manage this conversation?”
Joana shook her head. “I know you want to spend as much time with her as you can. And I’m not trying to take that away from you. But I wanted to invite you away for New Year’s. Madeline and Thea have us all to their cabin for three days. It’s a really wonderful and needed break, and I thought…” Joanna looked at her.
“Can I think about it?” Charley knew she wanted to go, but she couldn’t fathom not being with Tricia, either. And spending a weekend away with Joanna sounded like heaven, except for all the ambiguity that remained around what they were building. Would it be too risky?
“Of course. Take as long as you like. I’ve already told Madeline you may or may not come.”
Charley curled up on the couch and sighed contentedly when Joanna began to massage her feet. Maybe taking it slow wasn’t such a bad thing.
Chapter Thirty
Monday morning, Charley drew her navy suit and white silk shirt from the back of the closet. It was her turn to take the minutes at the board meeting and she had to fit the corporate mold. It would only have briefly registered that it was her birthday if not for the anticipation of having dinner with Joanna tonight right here in the apartment.
The day was busier than she’d anticipated, and although she kept her eye on the clock, she was afraid she might not make it to Anita’s class. A cab got her to the Y quickly, and she was steps from the front door when she saw Joanna getting out of a cab with a large canvas carryall that was clearly heavy.
“Are those groceries?” Charley asked, reaching for the bag.
“Oh, hi! No, it’s dinner. You didn’t think I could start cooking at eight o’clock, did you? We’d never eat.” Joanna kissed Charley on the cheek and then stepped back to inspect her, the open camel hair coat revealing her navy blue suit. “Happy birthday, and wow. Do you alwa
ys dress for your birthday?”
“Board meeting today.”
“I like this look on you, almost better than that little black dress you wore to Per Se.” Joanna took the bag from her. “Get the door. This is heavy.” Joanna greeted the security guard on the front desk. “Can I leave this back here for about two hours?”
He tagged the handle and Charley walked downstairs, Joanna trailing behind. She held the door to the locker room for Joanna.
“Oh, no, you first. I’m enjoying the view.”
Charley blinked in astonishment.
“What? You’ve got great legs and I couldn’t exactly ogle you the night we had dinner with your boss and her wife.”
Charley laughed as she walked through the door and let it go before Joanna could catch it. She heard her laughing on the other side and walked into one of the first rows to change.
“What are you doing?” Joanna asked when she saw Charley opening a locker right by the door.
“I’m very late for class. I really need to move it.” Charley was in her swimsuit in a matter of seconds. If Joanna was ogling, she didn’t want the first time she really looked at her naked to be in a gym locker room.
An hour later, she was already dressed when Joanna came in from the east pool.
“Someone’s eager for dinner.”
“Yes, I am. Why don’t I meet you upstairs in a few minutes?” Charley picked up her coat.
“Why don’t you stay right here where I can keep my eye on you in that suit?”
Charley smiled and leaned on a locker.
Joanna took a bottle of perfume out of her bag and spritzed several pulse points. Charley recognized the familiar black Chanel lettering on the bottle and made a mental note to look up the name of it online later.
Upstairs, they saw a curtain of fat snowflakes floating down outside, the sidewalk already covered.
“Will you be okay in those heels?” Joanna asked.
“I’ll be fine, but let’s go before any more accumulates.” Charley took the canvas bag from the security guard.
A few minutes later, she lowered the canvas bag to the floor in front of the apartment door and searched for the keys in her coat pocket as Joanna brushed the snow from Charley’s hair and coat. Then she reached for Charley’s necklace.
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