I stopped by the bathroom to pee and then struggled to raise myself from the seat when I was finished. I stared at the bathtub wondering if I should fill it.
“Fuck it.” My language was back. I schlepped toward the bedroom.
Before I could crawl back into bed, a loud pounding at my front door made me shriek. I didn’t know what time it was. Clutching my robe tight to my chest, I tiptoed down the hall toward the door. Irrational fear of the unknown kept me from opening it. Then I heard Pepper shouting and banging again.
“Vivienne! Let me in!”
When I clicked the lock, she heard it and came barreling in, sweeping me into a tight hug. Fresh tears burst from my eyes as relief spread over me.
It was true, I did call her! And she was here, she was here! Slamming the door shut with her foot, she practically carried me to the couch.
“I’m here now Viv, I’m here,” she said into my hair over and over, stroking my head rocking me back and forth. She was crying, too, and I could feel the wetness on my scalp.
“Mom’s gone!” I wailed.
She hushed me.
“I’m here now.”
*****
Pepper felt her arms go numb as she held Vivienne for more than an hour, unable to do anything but whisper soothing words. It took that long for Vivienne to relax and stop weeping, but Pepper waited her out. She wrinkled her nose, wondering when Vivienne had last taken a shower.
When she finally went limp, Pepper pulled away to see if maybe she had fallen asleep, but Vivienne’s green eyes were open and her face was drenched.
“Come on, hun. Let’s get you into the tub.” Pepper hoisted her up and guided her down the hallway to the bathroom, setting her down on the toilet. She ran the water as hot as she dared, then helped Vivienne out of the filthy robe sticking to her skin. Pepper eased her in, and Vivienne drew up her knees to her chest.
Masking her disgust, Pepper took the dirty robe and carried it out to the kitchen, dropping it in the garbage can. She opened doors along the hallway until she found the linen closet. She pulled out the last two clean towels and hurried back to the bathroom. Vivienne remained in the same position, hugging her knees with her face buried in them. She was crying again, and Pepper tried not to join her. Instead, she dropped to her knees and picked up a bright pink, netted sponge out of the water and covered it with cherry-scented body wash from a bottle on the edge of the tub. She tried handing it to Vivienne, who still hadn’t looked up, so Pepper washed her dearest friend’s arms and back as lovingly as she would have cleansed her own child. The fragrance of the soap began to replace Vivienne’s funk and, finally, she lifted her head from her knees but still didn’t meet Pepper’s gaze.
She’ll look at me when she’s ready, Pepper thought. Progress was made when Vivienne reached for the sponge to continue washing herself, so Pepper fumbled for the shampoo.
“Don’t,” Vivienne whispered. “I can finish.”
“Okay. Do you want me to leave?”
“Yes, please.”
“You got it. I’ll just be outside if you need me.” Pepper got up and left the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
While Vivienne was in the bathroom, Pepper surveyed the house. There weren’t any dishes or garbage in the kitchen, which gave her the impression that Vivienne hadn’t been eating, or at least not at home. There was a beginning layer of dust everywhere and everything smelled dank and stale. She thought she detected the faint lingering odor of something else more vile.
Starting in the living room, she threw open the front door and propped it open with a shoe. She then opened all of the curtains and lifted the windows wide. A warm summer breeze filled the room right away, helping to whisk some of the staleness away.
Pepper located Lysol and garbage bags under the kitchen sink and took them to the bedroom. Opening the door, she was smacked in the face by the stench of body odor, urine, and vomit.
“Oh God,” she whispered, cupping her hands over her mouth and nose. She went quickly to the windows and got them open as fast as she could. Leaning close to the screen, she took in a breath of fresh air before turning back around.
Wishing she had gloves, Pepper stripped the sheets off the bed and stuffed them into a garbage bag, not bothering to consider laundering them. She peered next to the bed into the wastebasket beside it.
“Oh God,” she hissed, shocked at the gelatinous muck congealed at the bottom. She grabbed it and threw it into the bag with the sheets, then dragged it out of the house to stuff it into a garbage can in the back yard. Returning to the bedroom, Pepper sprayed the bare mattress liberally with almost half the can of Lysol and then struggled to flip it over. She sprayed that side too, just in case. Then she found fresh sheets to remake the bed. She was relieved that the smell in the room was much improved. When she smoothed the last corner of the bedspread, Pepper heard the water running in the shower so she checked on Vivienne’s progress.
“You okay in there?”
“Yes, thank you.” Vivienne’s voice was muffled by the door and the water, but it sounded strong, if a bit hoarse.
Pepper smiled and heaved a sigh of relief. Knowing it couldn’t be put off, she wandered down the stairs to the basement, feeling along the wall for any light switches. The only light was coming through small glass block windows, which probably hadn’t been washed or cleaned since Viv bought the place. Eventually she found what she was looking for and flipped the switch to fill the rooms with fake fluorescent light. The door to the laundry room was closed, so Pepper grabbed the knob and threw it open. The mountain of clothing piled up beneath the laundry chute from the bathroom was almost as tall as she was. Sighing and shaking her head, Pepper began sorting through the pile, separating the colors and whites and towels. She started with all of Vivienne’s yoga pants, dark tee-shirts and black underwear, knowing she would need something to wear and that Pepper’s clothes wouldn’t fit her.
With the first load agitating, Pepper went back upstairs. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she opened a map on the GPS and searched the local restaurants to see what she could order in. Chinese food sounded good and she called the only restaurant that delivered to bring a boatload of food, everything from sweet and sour pork to General Tso’s chicken, fried rice, egg rolls, soup, pot stickers and crab rangoon.
While she waited for the food, she searched through closets and the two spare bedrooms for a vacuum cleaner, but couldn’t find one. Returning to the living room, Pepper looked around for something to do next. Vivienne appeared in the doorway, her body and hair wrapped in the separate mismatched towels.
“I’m going to get dressed now,” she announced.
“You do that, hun. I’ll be right here waiting.”
“Okay.” Vivienne disappeared down the hall back to her bedroom and Pepper sat down on the couch to wait. She took her phone from her pocket once more and dialed Gabriel. The familiar sound of his voice soothed her frayed nerves.
“Darling,” he answered.
“Hey, Gabe.”
“How is she?”
“Alive. Worse than I thought, but getting better already, I hope.” Pepper’s voice trembled. “She sure scared me.”
“I know. And you scared me. Shall I come by?”
“Oh no, not now. In fact, I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch. You should probably go back to LA, because I think I’m going to be here for a while.” Pepper sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Gabriel said. “I will make myself comfortable at the hotel until I hear from you again. I have my computer and phone. I can work quite nicely from here. You just take care of that lovely girl.”
“Thank you, Gabriel.” Pepper’s voice cracked with gratitude. “You can’t know how much I appreciate this.”
Gabriel gave a soft laugh.
“Of course I do. Ring me when you’re able, love.”
“I’ll do it.”
She tapped the end button on he
r phone and leaned back to wait for Vivienne to return.
Chapter 47
I stood in my bedroom staring at the fresh bedding and tidied room, trying with great difficulty not to cry. While I always considered Pepper to be my very best friend, she had really outdone herself this time, hauling her cookies back to Michigan at the drop of a hat to take care of me. She had cleaned my room, too.
I tried to think what day it was and could not fathom a guess. That frightened me. How long had I been home before I called Pepper? I didn’t even know what time it was. I searched my dresser for clean clothes, but the only thing left was a pair of striped flannel pajamas. I pulled them on and left the bedroom to go face Pepper and all the questions I knew would be coming.
But she surprised me once again. She only smiled when I found her still in the living room, lounging on the couch.
“Nice jammies.”
“Thanks.” I plopped onto the couch beside her.
“No, thank you for changing. And showering.” Pepper pinched her nose shut and winked at me.
“Yeah, yeah. I was pretty rank.” I wasn’t ready to laugh about it, but I did give her a minute smile. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Two-thirty? Good grief!
“That’s an understatement,” she muttered, giving me a toothy grin. She was trying way too hard to get me to laugh. I wanted to please her but I couldn’t do it.
“I get it.” I picked at my now clean cuticles. “Thanks for cleaning up. You didn’t have to do that.”
“Nope, I didn’t. I wanted to. And you’re welcome.” Pepper lifted her long legs onto the couch and poked at me with her toes. “I ordered food and it’ll be here any minute. You will eat.”
“Okay.” I didn’t argue with her, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for food any more than laughter yet.
Pepper sat with her hands folded in her lap, glancing around the room and saying nothing. I needed to talk, was ready to talk, but I didn’t know how to. I was so ashamed. I was wracked with guilt even while feeling so much relief that Pepper had come. Worst of all was knowing I would have to admit to Pepper that I’d wanted to die. That if there had been a means available to me, I probably would have taken it.
Pepper was at the ready when the food arrived, paying for it and then spreading it out on the dining room table. I chose a seat, waiting for her to do the same.
“That reminds me of something. I’ll be right back.” She bolted down the stairs to the basement, and I heard the familiar sounds of laundry being transferred from washer to dryer. When she returned, she gave me a bright smile. “I did all your comfies in one load, including some underwear.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, barely able to keep from crying again. She waved her hands in dismissal, and motioned for me to start eating.
I struggled with the chopsticks, thinking I could use that as an excuse for not eating, but soon the smell of the food made my stomach growl. Within moments, I devoured an eggroll in three bites.
“Easy, girl. I don’t want you getting sick on me.”
“No worries.” My mouth was full and the words were garbled. She chuckled and tucked in to the sweet and sour pork.
“Out with it. Start at the beginning.” Pepper reached for a pot sticker.
“I don’t know if I can.” I put down my chopsticks and pushed the carton of fried rice in front of me to the middle of the table. “There’s so much.”
“Start slow, then.”
I hugged myself and shrugged. Losing Mom had apparently caused my knack for speaking to abandon me as well. As long as I kept shoveling food into my mouth, Pepper didn’t push the issue. She knew I would fill up eventually. When I did, I laid the sticks down and sighed. I picked a single piece up between two fingers and rolled it around before flicking it halfway across the table.
“Gross.” Pepper retrieved it and placed it daintily on her own plate. “If you aren’t ready to talk, don’t. But you don’t have to make a mess.” She shook a finger at me.
My bottom lip trembled and I opened my mouth and closed it several times.
“My mom is dead.”
“I know.” Pepper’s bottom lip trembled, too.
Snuffling, I sucked in a shuddering breath.
“She’s gone, Pep. And she’s never coming back.”
Pepper reached over and laid a hand on mine.
“I know, Viv. And I’m so sorry.” She was crying too.
And then the words came.
Pepper never interrupted and let me talk until my voice was nearly gone and my butt went numb. She listened with a patience I didn’t know she had. Her normally frenetic energy was reigned in, leaving her calm and attentive. Every detail of every moment from the time I walked into Mom’s hospital room, to the point when I called Pepper came pouring out as fast as coffee from a pot. The more I talked, the faster the haze around me dissipated. The less foggy I got, the more I talked. I started to feel more normal again. Well, as normal as possible with the emptiness I felt inside.
Pepper listened and never judged me. She didn’t offer advice or opinions, didn’t jump into the conversation or interrupt. She let me get it all out until well after the sun went down.
“Why didn’t you call sooner, Viv?” Pepper asked sadly. “I wanted to be here with you, for you.”
“I just couldn’t, Pep. I can’t explain it. The pain was so bad, but I wanted it to hurt worse. I thought if it got bad enough I’d just die right along with Mom.” I rubbed my eyes, willing the tears back inside. “I guess I went crazy.”
“You were bad when Bruce died, but not like this,” Pepper said quietly. She had that look someone has while they’re getting over a very bad scare, pale and strained. “From this day forward, I am never listening to you again when you say you don’t need anything.”
“You shouldn’t,” I admitted. “I am not to be trusted when depressed.”
I could tell she wasn’t satisfied with my agreement. The state in which she found me was far beyond anything I was explaining away while the food got cold and the plum sauce congealed.
Glancing at her watch, Pepper finally made me go to bed. I was so grateful to have her there; I couldn’t believe the calm and peace she brought, in spite of her vivaciousness and general nervous energy. As I shuffled down the hall, her hands on my shoulders, I tried to ask her questions. How she had gotten home so fast, how was she going to afford it, but she wouldn’t answer. She shushed me every time. She promised me she would be there when I woke up and that we would talk more then.
I slept all night, the next whole day and night as well. Pepper had arrived around noon on a Sunday and I did not crawl out of bed again until Tuesday, just after eight in the morning. When I opened my eyes and saw her beside me, snoring softly, I sighed, just as relieved as when she burst through the door.
Trying not to disturb her, I eased myself off the bed and out of the room. I took another long, hot shower and conditioned my hair. I cried again a little and my tears mixed with the water swirling down the drain. I felt ashamed and guilty for scaring Pepper and for letting myself go crazy. As the water turned icy on my skin, I tried to stop feeling sorry for myself. I beat myself up pretty good mentally while the frigid spray stabbed at my body.
When my teeth started to chatter, I turned off the faucet and stood shivering in the tub, punishing myself a little more before finally grabbing a towel to dry off. Standing in front of the mirror, I looked at my face long and hard. I was shocked to see how gaunt it looked, how haunted my eyes were.
“What a waste,” I said to the reflection. “First you waste seventeen years over a dead husband and now you’re trying to throw away the next seventeen because your Mom died. What a dumbass!” In a fit of petulance, I stuck my tongue out. “Nyaaaaah!”
I thought the gurgling in my throat was vomit until I realized I was snickering, which then turned into full-blown laughter. I stumbled backwards, my back thumping against the bathroom wall. I slid down onto my butt, still cackling into my fists so I wouldn’
t wake up Pepper. What a fool I’d been. Pepper’s going to kick my ass for sure, I thought.
I pulled myself up and was much more satisfied by the face meeting me in the mirror. The eyes were bright and clear and the frown lines were far less prominent. I brushed my teeth and surprised myself by humming a tune while I did it.
When I opened the bathroom door, I was smacked in the face by the heavenly smell of strong coffee. I guess I hadn’t been as quiet as I thought. Pepper must have gotten up. I tiptoed to the kitchen, wrapped only in a towel, and screamed bloody murder when I saw a man I didn’t know in my kitchen pouring himself a cup of the steaming, dark liquid.
“Wait! Wait!” he yelled over my screaming. Pepper stumbled in, trying to make sense of the chaos she confronted.
“Viv! Stop! He’s with me!”
Hiding behind Pepper, I squinted my eyes, finally recognizing the stranger in my kitchen.
“Gabriel? Gabriel Seigal?”
“Yes,” he wheezed, his hands trembling around the coffee cup he still grasped.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded.
“He’s with me, Viv,” Pepper explained. “We’ve been dating since you left California.”
My mouth dropped open and I stared at her.
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Pepper grinned and shuffled over to Gabriel. She leaned against him and put her head on his shoulder, then snagged the cup out of his hand to take a deep swallow.
“We’ve been taking things slow. Keeping it quiet.”
“O-okay.” I tried to process what I was seeing. Gabriel Seigal in my house. Dating my best friend. What the hell? I realized then I was still in my towel and jumped back out of the doorway, leaving only my head visible. “I’m going to go get dressed. I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Please do.” Gabriel pointed a finger at me and winked.
The Widow and the Rock Star Page 24