Never A Choice (The Choices Trilogy (Book 1))

by Palmer, Dee

  “Yes . . . yes you did.” He kisses my hair and I can feel his lips curl in a smile.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew I was Lola, why tell me now?” I tilt my head to meet his gaze.

  “I liked your honesty, you are very open when you are Lola.” His eyes soften. “ . . . and I needed your attention. That’s why I told you now but if I’m honest I would have preferred to have kept Lola’s secret.”

  “I can understand why but having that level of access to my inner thoughts makes me extremely vulnerable”

  “I like you vulnerable.” I tense and he pulls me tighter. “I want you to feel you can be vulnerable with me. I would treasure that level of trust. I want you to be that open with me but I understand that will take time. All I’m saying is that now you know, that I know, I will miss Lola’s honesty.”

  “I liked that level of honesty too. It was liberating and hot. It was safe.”

  “And you don’t feel safe with me.” It’s not a question. “but you will . . . I promise.”

  I am quite for a while and although I have taken in everything he has said there is one stupid question I can’t ignore.

  ‘How did you disguise your voice? I mean you said things that certainly sounded like you and sometimes I did get a chill but I never recognised your voice.”

  He chuckles, “That’s you’re only issue with this situation? Good. It was a simple filter, changed the octive and pitch a little and gave a little echo but enough to alter the sound.”

  “Oh . . . and it’s not my only issue but the other stuff we can sort out together.” I stretch my body up his and he leans down to cover my mouth with a soft kiss.

  “Sounds good to me” He lets out a contented breath and then groans. “This is a fucking uncomfortable bed, how do you even sleep?” He wriggles beneath me in a futile attempt to get comfortable.

  “It’s better than the streets.”

  He sits up shocked. “Is that really an option?” His brow heavy with instant fury.

  “Not if Sofia’s parents had anything to do with it. No if I couldn’t live here I’d just live further in the sticks.”

  “No family home?” He gently probes.

  “No family home.”

  “No brothers, sisters, uncles . . .” He pushes.

  “No Daniel, no family. I told you Sofia’s family is my family, well and my mum.” I need to know what Kit told him but it’s just going to come across as jealousy. “So who was the lucky lady?” I try for mild interest.

  “There’s no need to be jealous, Bethany.” His voice is deadly serious, no teasing with this potentially volatile subject.

  “Just so as you know, I don’t actually get jealous, you either want to be with me or you should have enough backbone to say you don’t. It’s not about jealousy or cheating it’s about trust and it was never about not trusting you Daniel.” He looks a little confused and I can’t explain further without exposing Kit.

  “She’s a widow, sad really, she had amnesia when she was twenty two, can’t remember a thing. She’s had to build her whole life by herself, she was married, some rich financier but he died earlier this year, car accident. They weren’t married long apparently. Anyway she met my mother at some function and my mother adores her; thought the auction would be fun.”

  “Amnesia?” I try not to choke on my disbelief.

  “Yes, she’s has a rather nasty scar.”

  “On her neck?” This seems to make a little more sense.

  “Yes.” He draws his brows together. “How did you know?”

  “Saw it, saw the back of her.” It would’ve been where her tattoo was removed, not the right image having ‘Dick’s” her then boyfriend’s brand, for all to see. Only works when you’re a horny teenager I guess. “What’s her name?”

  “Kassandra, Kassandra Shaw.”

  “Did you like her?” I don’t know why I insist on knowing this; it hurts to just know she’s spent time with him.

  “Fake gold digger, Oh yes, I loved her, we’ve got a date next week.” I know he’s trying to joke and he has no idea the baggage I carry for that woman. So rather than him think that I really don’t have a sense of humour I lean over and pinch his nipple, really hard.

  “Fuck! It was a joke!” He pouts rubbing at his poor injured body part.

  “So was that!” I smirk and roll out of bed. ”Hot drink?, Ovaltine, Coco, Bailey’s . . . Me?” He lunges to grab my leg growling.

  “ Definitely you.” I slip through his fingers giggling. I put some milk on the heat and go to fetch the cups when I hear loud footsteps up to my door. The door swings open and Sofia’s standing with tears in her eyes. I drop the cups and run to her. “Sofs what’s up? Is it Marco? Is Paul alright? Sofs why are you crying? The pitch of my voice rising with every question.

  “Bets, They tried to call you, then they called me and I came straight over.” She swallows, “Bets, it’s your mum, she’s had a heart attack. She’s stable but they said you should hurry.” For the second time today I see dark spots and here muffled voices only this time I am swept up in to warm strong arms before I hit the floor.

  I PUT THE phone down gently after finishing my call with the nurse in the intensive care unit at the home. They had taken the decision not to move her to the general hospital as there was really nothing they could do that they weren’t doing in the unit. Daniel is holding my hand and Sofia is making some warm milk.

  “They said it was too late to go down tonight and that I should wait until morning.” I start to cry and Sofia is at my side as Daniel stands and walks to my bedroom. My arms are wrapped tightly around my waist, I can’t stop shivering.

  “It’s probably for the best Bets. There’s nothing you can do tonight, maybe try and get some sleep.” She squeezes my leg and I feel Daniel sit next to me, he is dressed and is carrying my clothes.

  “Hey baby, let’s put these on.” He takes my arms and carefully slips on a soft T shirt and warm sweater with leggings and some sheepskin boots. He scoops me into his arms. “My driver is outside. I’m taking her to see her mum.” Sofia nods and I take enormous comfort from the strong chest my head is resting on, glad I am not making these decisions.

  Daniels’ fast car makes light work of the night-time motorway traffic. We pull up the gravel drive just before two in the morning, the night porter from the other night, kindly lets us in.

  “I’m so sorry my dear.” He holds my hand and I wonder if I will be able to handle this, if this is the norm in these situations. What do I say even, ‘it’s Ok’ when it clearly isn’t; ‘yes she is or was,’ did they even know her? I literally don’t know what to say.

  “Thank you that’s very kind.” Daniel moves forward to shake the porter’s hand. Yes that’s what I need to say, say thank you, I’ll remember that. I feel strangely detached and on autopilot at the same time. I walk toward the intensive care rooms where she has been moved. The nurse greets me.

  “I’m so sorry Bethany. She’s comfortable now and she is talking a little, but I’m afraid there’s nothing more we can do. She’s such a lovely lady, we’re going to miss her.” She presses my hand in hers.

  “Thank you.” I say quietly “You’re very kind.” I let her hand slip from mine and go and find my mum. Her door is closed and I open it quietly. She’s sleeping and I take a seat by her side. I hold her delicate hand, her skin fragile and soft like silk, translucent and very thin. Daniel takes a seat in the corner of the room, squeezing his large frame in to a tall backed chair. I sit beside her bed until the morning light starts to break through the curtains. The day shift has just taken over and for the first time since I sat down my mum moves a little. “Hey mum, I hear you’re causing trouble? They brought me back specially to sort you out.” I swallow back the rising lump. She looks so pale, not like her at all. Her glow is no longer around her but she still looks like an angel with her light grey fluffy hair spread around the pillow like a halo. She opens her eyes and her gaze is glassy but she looks straight at
me, a spark of recognition and a faint smile.

  “Hey baby Boo.” She squeezes my hand and instant tears pool my eyes, she hasn’t called my nick name for years, even when she did recognise me it was always Bethany.

  “Hey Mum.” My voice is breaking and I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to upset her. I want her to talk, I want her to remember.

  “I’m so sorry Boo, I try so hard to remember, I try so hard for you, my baby.” Her eyes glisten.

  “It’s alright mum. You know it’s fine, you mustn’t worry.” I want to reassure her.

  “You have to know, you have to know.” She looks so sad and holds my hand a little tighter. “They didn’t leave you, they left but they didn’t leave you. Your Father; he never knew about you, I wrote to him one time, when you were sixteen. I thought I’d made a mistake not telling him, I thought he would come and when he didn’t I knew I was right that I kept it from you. That you never knew who he was. But you should know, he didn’t leave you, he left me and I tried so hard not to leave you baby. I tried to remember, I tried not to leave you.” She closes her eyes and I use that time to take some deep tear fighting breaths, if this is the last thing she remembers I don’t want it to be regret and sadness.

  “Mum, I love my life with you and I wouldn’t change a thing. No one left that we wanted to stay, I miss you mum but you’ve always loved me and I’ve always felt loved. You are the best mum, the best.” I lift her small hand and press my kiss, holding it, fuck I’m going to cry, don’t bloody cry Bets.

  “She shouldn’t have left you alone, you were still a baby, I won’t forgive her, you didn’t deserve that and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” Even in this frail state her anger is fierce.

  “Mum, Mum listen, please listen. I wasn’t a baby, I was your baby but I wasn’t a baby. You are a wonderful mum and I’m so lucky you are my mum.” I desperately need her to believe me.

  “Promise me.” She smiles and her eyes sparkle.

  “You name it? You want me to take you to the top of the Beacon again?” I want her to think about good things, remember good memories.

  “Don’t be afraid, don’t let our past and your past, your past with John,” I suck in a sob, “don’t let that make you too scared to live. For me, promise me that Boo and I’ll promise to remember all the good things.” I can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks. I know I won’t be able to speak without releasing a sob so I swallow and sniff back the tears, they need to stop.

  “Mum, mum.” I squeeze her hand and she opens her eyes. “I promise.”

  She smiles and closes her eyes again. “Good girl, you always were a good girl, when you weren’t off gallivanting.” I laugh aloud, a loud laugh combined with a heartbreaking sob. God I’ve missed her so much. I hold her hand up and kiss the back of her hand again and rub the soft bony knuckles against my wet face.

  “I promise mum.” I lean up and kiss her hollow cheek.

  “Promise what dear?” She doesn’t open her eyes again, her grip in my hand loosens and her breathing fades. My head is pressed into the bed and I let out some bone shaking sobs, muffled by the thickness of the mattress.

  “Hey baby, time to go.” I have been sitting in the day room, the sun is bright and the sky is clear, a perfect day to see the spectacular views of the South Coast. I have signed papers and have been given a box with Mum’s personal belongings to take. It seems everything was packed in readiness. I could think that cold, but I don’t think anything at the moment. Daniel has dealt with the management and has taken all details to sort with me later. I go to stand and he scoops me into his arms. I laugh, it’s ridiculous. “I can walk.”

  “I know, I just want you close, closer.” I rest my head on his chest, I want that too.

  The drive back is quiet, there’s not much to say. I think the funeral will be in a few days.

  “I know this is a stupid question.” Daniel interrupts my thoughts.

  “But you’re going to ask anyway?” I smile.

  He nods. “How are you doing?”

  “Not a stupid question. I’m, well, I’m ok. I lost my mum a long time ago. I visited because I always hoped she’d remember but for the last eighteen months I’ve been visiting this lovely old lady who didn’t have a clue who I was but knew I was really good at crafts.” I laugh a little. “I’ve missed her for so long and she was back, today, and it was like a punch to the chest. I feel winded and bruised but it was the best feeling to have her, even for a short time. I’ll be fine.” I put my hand on his thigh and squeezed his tight muscle.

  “I fucking hate it when you say that.” He mutters not wanting to be angry with me. I smile at him.

  “I am enormously sad,” I sigh heavily, “but I will be Ok with this. I’ve had a long time to let go, so no I’m not fine but I will be, is that better?”

  “Yes.” He reaches for my hand. “What did she mean by not knowing who your father was, I thought you knew who he was?”

  “I did, I do, he just left when I was born. I think maybe she was a little confused. I think maybe she wanted me to understand it wasn’t me they left” I laugh sadly.

  “Mmm maybe, and she was right, they didn’t leave you.” He pulls my fingers to his lips and softly kisses them.

  “That’s semantics Daniel. I do believe the nett result is the same, the nett result is my life, and I am left alone.” I turn my face to the now grey sky unable to stop the falling tears. He doesn’t allow me much time to wallow when he pulls me into his lap and folds his strong arms encasing me in his warm embrace, stroking my hair and gently kissing my cheeks for the rest of the journey.

  “Daniel?” I tilt my head to meet his sombre face.

  “Yes?” His tender smile warms me.

  “Thank you.” I can’t think about all he’s done and why or I will fall apart but he just continues to smile his amazing smile right back at me.

  Daniel insisted I stay with him and he’s not left my side, although he does always have a phone attached to his ear trying to work. He has smoothed things with the University and even had lecture notes couriered over so I don’t miss anything crucial. Sofia’s family have been wonderful and have arranged the funeral and a small gathering in the day room after the ceremony. I have written a few things I want to say, I don’t know yet whether I will but that is my plan.

  We travel down in two cars, I’m with Daniel and Sofia is with Paul, her parents and Marco. Other than a few residents and carers, the room at the crematorium is sparse and soulless. We file slowly into the room where a brief service will be given. I am grateful from the warmth I feel from both Daniel and Marco’s hands which hold mine but it is painfully insufficient when I chill to the bone at the image in the front row. Iron straight bright blond hair falls down from a ridiculously ostentatious hat, given the surroundings. Immaculate, in a black Prada dress and jacket, she turns dry eyed with a pseudo sad face and I stand transfixed. Daniel places his other hand on my arm to urge me forward, thinking I am over whelmed by the proceedings.

  “What the fuck is she doing here?” Sofia hisses in my ear, but I’m too shocked to answer, I have no idea, how did she even know?

  Daniel seems equally surprised by the tone of his voice.“What is Kassandra doing here, do you know her Bethany?” His confusion evident on his crinkled brow. “Why would she come?”

  “I have no idea why she’s here, but I do know her.” Daniel waits for me to continue but my head is spinning. What could she possibly want, why now? I feel sick that she would make today about her.

  “Bethany?” He is trying to get me to answer, but even the term identifying her relationship to me is alien.

  “That’s her sister.” Sofia enlightens him with borrowed venom. I look at my best friend who’s ready to do battle on my behalf, but I shake my head slightly. This isn’t going to happen today and I walk and take my seat on the row opposite, surrounded by the best people in the world. I am numb to the words the priest is saying, he does his job well I’m sure, but my mum never went
to church and he wouldn’t have known her. So the sad words of comfort are just sad words. When the service is over, I choose to head back to the car I don’t need to see arrangements of flowers that will never be enjoyed by my mum. Beautiful flowers that will fade more quickly because of their presence today. We are all heading back to the home for tea and I just want to be alone, in Daniels car.

  “Bethany, is that really you?” I hear her voice, sweet and sad, with a slight wobble in the pronunciation of my name, practised and perfect.

  “Kit.” I reply, my cold response glaringly obvious, she narrows her eyes. I think she must be taking a risk exposing herself today and she is hesitant. I wonder how much she is willing to risk exactly.

  “I’m sorry, Kit? That was my name Kit?” She looks puzzled then a saccharine smile spreads her bright red lips wide. “Oh!” She laughs a little at the revelation. I am definitely going to be sick. Daniel comes to my side and puts his strong arms tight around my shoulder.

  “Yes, your name was Kithara Thorne, Mum said it was the musical instrument Apollo played, it’s Greek.” I have no idea what I’m saying, it’s not like she doesn’t know this already. “I had trouble saying my ‘th’s’ so you were Kit to me, then everyone else.”

  “Oh how darling, my name was changed because you couldn’t say it.” Her words are light but I sense the bitter tone.

  “Isn’t this wonderful Bethany? I know it’s a terribly sad day, but I can’t believe this, look you still have family, you’re not alone after all.” He cups my face and my eyes spring with tears. I am so alone if she is the only family I have left. “I can’t believe it.” He looks to Kit and her eyes sparkle and she looks back through her thickly painted lashes, “Kassandra would you like to ride with us? I can’t imagine how much you two have to catch up on. This is just amazing!” He seems genuinely happy for me and I’m just going to come across as a huge bitch for not giving my ‘amnesia challenged sister” a chance to build bridges. There is also the fact that I don’t know what she wants. It’s obviously not me, she doesn’t need to pretend to be Kassandra to have me in her life.