Also by Patience Agbabi
R.A.W.
Transformatrix
Bloodshot Monochrome
TELLING TALES
Patience Agbabi
Copyright
This is a work of poetic fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to literary persons, living or dead, is totally deliberate.
Published in Great Britain in 2014 by
Canongate Books Ltd, 14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE
www.canongate.tv
Copyright © Patience Agbabi, 2014
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Quotation from Carol Ann Duffy originally appeared in an article written by Joanna Moorhead and published in the Guardian. Used with permission.
Extract from Studies in Philology, Volume 26. Copyright © 1929 by the University of North Carolina Press. Used by permission of the publisher. www.uncpress.unc.edu
Quotation from ‘True Grime’ by Sasha Frere-Jones. Copyright © 2005. All rights reserved. Originally published in New Yorker. Reprinted by permission.
Diamonds Are Forever, Words by Don Black, Music by John Barry. © Copyright 1971 EMI United Partnership Limited. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured. Used by permission of Music Sales Limited.
Extract from Memento Mori by Jonathan Nolan © 2001, Jonathan Nolan
This digital edition first published by Canongate Books in 2014
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library
ISBN 9781782111559
eISBN 9781782111566
Acknowledgements
Poems have appeared in versions in the following publications: ‘Makar’ and ‘Things’ in The Edinburgh Review; extracts of ‘Roving Mic’ in In Their Own Words; ‘Joined-up Writing’ in Long Poem Magazine; ‘Reconstruction’ in Magma; ‘The Crow’ and ‘The Gospel Truth’ in On the Line; ‘Unfinished Business’ in Poetry Review, The Best British Poetry 2012 and Gravesend Reporter; ‘Emily’, ‘The Gold-Digger’ and ‘The Devil in Cardiff’ in Poetry Wales; ‘I Go Back to May 1967’ in The Poet’s Quest for God; ‘Sharps an Flats’ in Silk Road Review (USA); ‘What Do Women Like Bes?’ in Transformatrix (as ‘The Wife of Bafa’).
Recordings of my readings of a number of these poems are available on the Poetry Archive – http://www.poetryarchive.org.
I would like to warmly thank Arts Council South East and the National Lottery for a generous Grant for the Arts and The Authors Foundation for a development bursary which enabled me to complete this book.
I would also like to thank the following friends, colleagues and organisations who have been enormously supportive of this project: everyone at Canongate, especially my editors Francis Bickmore, Vicki Rutherford and Helen Bleck; Professor Helen Cooper, Jeremy Clarke, Patricia Debney, Francesca Beard, Keiren Phelen, John Prebble, Rosie Turner, Vicky Wilson, Jane Draycott, Ros Barber, Jay Bernard, Jenny Lewis, Luke Wright, Apples & Snakes, Dr Gail Ashton, Steve Tasane, Geoff Allnutt, Nina Tullar, Sarah Salway, Professor Peter Brown, Professor Bernard O’Donoghue, Henry Eliot, Tim Shortis, Julie Blake, Barbara Bleiman, Kate Clanchy, Trevor Eaton ‘The Chaucer Man’ and numerous audiences who have given me invaluable feedback.
Finally, I would like to thank Geoffrey Chaucer for creating a literary work that defies time and space.
… Whoso shal telle a tale after a man,
He moot reherce as ny as evere he kan
Everich a word, if it be in his charge,
Al speke he never so rudeliche and large,
Or ellis he moot telle his tale untrewe,
Or feyne thyng, or fynde wordes newe.
Geoffrey Chaucer
Contents
Also by Patience Agbabi
Title Page
Copyright
Acknowledgements
Epigraph
Prologue Harry ‘Bells’ Bailey
OLD KENT ROAD
Emily (The Knight’s Tale) Robert Knightley
The Kiss (The Miller’s Tale) Robyn Miller
Tit for Tat (The Reeve’s Tale) Ozymandia Reeves
Roving Mic (The Cook’s Tale) Roger of Ware
SHOOTER’S HILL
Joined-up Writing (The Man of Law’s Tale) Memory Anesu Sergeant
DARTFORD
What Do Women Like Bes’? (The Wife of Bath’s Tale) Mrs Alice Ebi Bafa
The Devil in Cardiff (The Friar’s Tale) Huw Fryer Jones
Arse Dramatica (The Summoner’s Tale) Geoff Sumner
STONE
I Go Back to May 1967 (The Clerk’s Tale) Yejide Idowu-Clarke
That Beatin’ Rhythm (The Merchant’s Tale) Soul Merchant
GRAVESEND
Fine Lines (The Squire’s Tale) Jeu’di Squires
Makar (The Franklin’s Tale) Frankie Lynn
STROOD
Reconstruction (The Physician’s Tale) Kiranjeet Singh
Profit (The Pardoner’s Tale) Yves Depardon
ROCHESTER
Things (The Shipman’s Tale) Klaudia Schippmann
Sharps an Flats (The Prioress’s Tale) Missy Eglantine
Artful Doggerel (The Tale of Sir Thopas) Sir Topaz & Da Elephant
Unfinished Business (The Tale of Melibee) Mel O’Brien
100 chars (The Monk’s Tale) monkey@puzzle
Animals! (The Nun’s Priest’s Tale) Mozilla Firefox
SITTINGBOURNE
The Contract (The Second Nun’s Tale) Femme Fatale
The Gold-Digger (The Canon’s Yeoman’s Tale) Tim Canon-Yeo
HARBLEDOWN
The Crow (The Manciple’s Tale) Scott Mansell
CANTERBURY
The Gospel Truth (The Parson’s Tale) Rap, The Son aka ‘The Parson’
Back Track Harry ‘Bells’ Bailey
Author Biographies
Prologue (Grime Mix)
Harry ‘Bells’ Bailey
When my April showers me with kisses
I could make her my missus or my mistress
but I’m happily hitched – sorry home girls –
said my vows to the sound of the Bow Bells
yet her breath is as fresh as the west wind,
when I breathe her, I know we’re predestined
to make music; my muse, she inspires me,
though my mind’s overtaxed, April fires me,
how she pierces my heart to the fond root
till I bleed sweet cherry blossom en route
to our bliss trip; there’s days she goes off me,
April loves me not; April loves me
with a passion, dear doctor, I’m wordsick
and I got the itch like I’m allergic
but it could be my shirt’s on the cheap side;
serenade overnight with my peeps wide,
nothing like her, liqueur, an elixir,
overproof that she serves as my sick cure,
she’s as strong as a ram, she is Aries,
see my jaw-dropping jeans, she could wear these;
see my jaw dropping neat Anglo-Saxon,
I got ink in my veins more than Caxton
and it flows hand to mouth, here’s a mouthfeast,
verbal feats from the streets of the South-East
but my April, she blooms every shire’s end,
fit or vint, rich or skint, she inspires them
from the grime to the clean-cut iambic,
rime royale, rant or rap, get your slam kick.
On this Routemaster bus, get cerebral,
Tabard Inn to Canterbury Cathedral,
poet pilgrims competing for free picks
,
Chaucer Tales, track by track, here’s the remix
from below-the-belt base to the topnotch;
I won’t stop all the clocks with a stopwatch
when the tales overrun, run offensive,
or run clean out of steam, they’re authentic
cos we’re keeping it real, reminisce this:
Chaucer Tales were an unfinished business.
May the best poet lose, as the saying goes.
May the best poet muse be mainstaying those
on the stage, on the page, on their subject:
me and April, we’re The Rhyming Couplet.
I’m The Host for tonight, Harry Bailey,
if I’m tongue-tied, April will bail me,
I’m MC but the M is for mistress
when my April shows me what a kiss is …
OLD KENT ROAD
Emily
Robert Knightley
In Chaucer’s story there are two heroes, who are practically indistinguishable from each other, and a heroine, who is merely a name.
– J R Hulbert
Arc? Dead. And if you’re sniffing for his body
you won’t find nothing: ransack the Big Smoke
from Bow to Bank. Arc fell for Emily
ten feet deep … I’m Pal, Emily’s alter.
Think ego. Arc and me, we shared a cell
for months, it was a shrine to her, a temple.
I miss him, like a gun to the temple.
Too close. Two men locked in a woman’s body,
her messed-up head. When I say shared a cell
I’m talking brain. She became us. Arc smoked
the Romeos, and me, I smoked all tars,
we breathed out on her name, ah! Emily.
Blonde with blacked out highlights Emily.
Our host, the goddess. Looks are temporal.
Who reads her diagnosis? It don’t alter
the facts. She made me up to guard her body
from predators, the silhouettes in smoke.
It’s when she wears the hourglass and plays damsel,
she lets me out. It messes with their brain cells,
my voice, her face. All men want Emily,
they think they have a right. It don’t mean smoke.
She acts like growing up was Shirley Temple
and don’t remember nothing, but her body
knows what happened happened on that altar.
Think bed … Arc’s dead. Broke his parole, an alter
crazy on id, he starved us all to cancel
me out for good. It’s written off, our body.
He fought to win: I fought for Emily.
I’m dead beat, but I won up here, the temple,
the messed-up head. Sent her a ring, of smoke.
Having a big fat Romeo to smoke
don’t make you Winston Churchill. Arc was altered.
He won the war but lost the plot. The temple
became his tomb. And me, I got the damsel.
She don’t know yet. We’re stitched up, Emily,
one and the same, one rough-cut mind, one body …
Must’ve blacked out … This body ain’t no temple
but what’s the alternative, a padded cell?
Got anything to smoke? … I’m Emily …
The Kiss
Robyn Miller
Get me a pint of Southwark piss!
It all took place in a pub like this.
My tongue is black as licorice,
my tale is blue an it goes like this:
I’m just eighteen an newly wed.
My husband’s old an crap in bed,
my lover’s fit, well hung, well read,
his rival’s mad, a musclehead.
Three loves I have an two are thick:
My husband John’s a jealous prick,
the rival, Abs, thinks with his dick.
My lover’s French, il s’appelle Nick,
in his final year at Greenwich,
Engineering Astrophysics,
he’s proposed but I’m a bitch,
I’d leave my husband, but he’s rich.
A carpenter, an ‘ancient oak’
with a heart tattoo, a real bloke’s bloke,
crashed out on what he thought was coke
an fifteen pints of ale. Nick’s joke.
John owns the pub. We live upstairs
an every night he says his prayers,
while Nick, our lodger, flirts downstairs,
where Abs, our bouncer, sells his wares.
This Abs comes on to guys and girls.
He pushes weights an class A pills.
Grey eyes, blond hair with baby curls
an a bod as hard as the drugs he sells.
He buys me wine, real ales an Pimms.
He likes his women weasel slim
with eyebrows plucked till they’re pencil thin.
His gear is class: I put up with him.
But Nick’s more subtle, tweets an texts,
no kiss-me-quick with a pint of Becks.
Belle femme, je t’aime, he says, an necks
those pills Abs recommends for sex.
Three men walk into a pub like this
but only one can kiss the kiss.
What is it makes my bottle fizz?
Je ne sais quoi my arse, hear this:
What’s in a kiss? I’ll kiss an tell.
My husband’s kiss is Southwark ale,
my lover’s ‘baiser’, ‘fuck’ in braille
an I’m his fucked-up femme fatale.
So John’s upstairs an proper pissed.
I’m in the bar with Nick. We’ve kissed
in English, French an every lisped
linguistic twist, you get the gist.
High on the pills that kick like tabs,
we crawl around the floor like crabs,
Adam, Eve, on hormone jabs,
we got The Knowledge like black cabs.
Nous faisons l’amour all night,
an by six o’clock it’s still not light
when Abs knocks on the window, tight,
Kiss me, babes. I say, Alright.
Window’s open, total geared
he’s tongueing me but something’s weird:
too right, cos I ain’t got no beard,
stead of my lips, he got my rear!
Fuck you! Storms off down the alleyway.
Then tap, tap, tap on the central bay,
Mr Am-I-straight-or-gay?
back for his petit déjeuner!
À moi! Nick winks, bares his behind
for Abs’s probing lips to find:
then farts a fart, the deadly kind,
a blast that almost makes Abs blind!
We laugh, but Abs laughs last, the sod,
Abs has a hard-on, like his bod,
he grabs Nick’s arse, I swear to God,
in goes his red-hot iron rod!
Bordel de merde! Well sick, that kiss
cos Abs is built like an obelisk.
John wakes, falls headlong, slips a disc,
slurs, What in great God’s name is this?
My husband’s so in shock to see
the men, he sobers instantly
an doesn’t even notice me
until I’m dressed. So I’m Scot-free
but Abs an Nick, he throws them out.
It’s made him even more devout.
Now, when I see them, Kiss? I shout,
raise my eyebrows high, an pout.
So, I got fucked; John’s a fuckwit;
an Nick my lover, fucked to shit;
an Abs scored hard, he’s fucking fit;
both men were fucked by the fucked-off git.
If you drink your beer in a tulip glass
an kiss the air cos you think you’re class
but draw the line at this French farce,
bon appétit – French-kiss my arse!
Tit for Tat
Ozymandi
a Reeves
Retro-Glasto-Dogs-on-String:
I’m Bad Dog, me, with dykes on speed,
musky, milky, masculine,
Butch Al, Fem Jen and Little Weed
pitch Magic Mushroom, down some mead,
and Weed were whizzing, off her tits,
Gimmegrassordieyoushits!
Off we sped in sniff of grass
from Psycho’s Psychedelic Plants:
he guards wife, bairn and Moll, his lass,
with Stanley Knife in underpants.
With boxer nose and bulldog stance,
sells dried-out lawn as Purple Haze
but stoned, he’d share whole spliff with gays.
Women’s Lib stands for libido!
Fist in air, a Goldsmith First,
our Al; our Jen, a Frida Kahlo
femme with fist to outshake Hirst;
best mates, they oil and lock my fur,
I’m in good hands, me, sniffer dog,
laid off, Bad Dog, for sniffing drugs.
I scent the gorgeous and grotesque
at mudbath where all hips hang out.
There’s Mrs Psycho, Rubenesque,
her six-month bairn; I roll about,
Dog’s paradise, I want for nowt.
There’s Molly, Venus at her Mudbath.
Psycho, sober, on the warpath …
Tent? More yurt, is Psycho’s yard.
They tie me up outside front porch,
sweet smell of Purple, I keep guard,
bark twice to rate this grass top notch.
Psycho bags up. Like hawks, they watch.
Keep cash, while he leaves tent for change,
tugs at knot that keeps me chained
and I’m unleashed! I’m off, Bad Dog
Seeks Dirty Bitch for fun blind date
but don’t let cat out of the bag
to dykes, I’ve not come out as straight …
They find me fields away, gone eight,
no strings attached, up to no good,
drag me through seven field of mud
back for grass (now switched for grass).
A Psycho spliff … their heads, their feet
turn Alice-Through-the-Looking-Glass
till Psycho offers bite to eat
and feeds me scraps of veggie meat.
Dykes guess he freed me, swapped our batch:
Psycho beware, you’ve met your match!
Sleep, they slur. Three blow-up bed:
dykes first; Psycho and spouse take next,
bairn’s cot stands at end of bed;
Telling Tales Page 1