Over the last couple of months it had become harder and harder to keep Matt out. It was the little things that got under her guard, like the way his fingers linked with hers when they made love, or how his kiss made her feel, or the look he would give her when they were out with friends that made her forget that they weren’t alone.
Bec had tried to resist him and not let him get too close. A casual affair had been the answer, because that way she would still be safe, still be in control of herself and her life.
She sat down on the weather-worn boulder and looked across Bluestone Ridge. A small voice inside told her what she already knew: that sometimes being safe wasn’t enough. Matt challenged her to have another look at how she felt about him and even how she saw herself.
The tight knot of tension in her stomach refused to go away.
Could she find the strength inside to take a leap of faith? Did she dare take a chance on Matt and the possible future they could have?
Could she really be that brave?
***
Matt stood in the kitchen and wished that he could rewind the whole damn conversation with Bec. And yet he couldn’t deny that what he’d said had been the truth: he wanted more than just what they already had – secret meetings and incredible sex. Okay, the sex part didn’t need any improvement, but the rest of the clandestine affair was just getting too much to handle. Was she embarrassed about their relationship? Was that the reason she didn’t want to come out publically and say, We’re together?
He wanted them to be open about what they had, to acknowledge it as a proper relationship and not keep it hidden as though it were a dirty little secret. But obviously he’d been so wrapped up in what he wanted, he hadn’t considered that Bec wouldn’t feel the same way. Served him right for assuming that she felt something for him.
Matt sighed as he turned on the kettle. Maybe that wasn’t exactly fair. He opened the cupboard and grabbed a mug. It was just that it sucked to think that Bec wasn’t as wrapped up in him as he was in her.
He had to admit that he had sprung the whole Let’s be a couple thing on her. Maybe it was just like she’d said and she simply wasn’t ready – which didn’t mean that she’d never be ready. Matt scooped a couple of spoonfuls of instant coffee into the mug and mulled over the problem as he waited for the water to boil. He tried desperately to separate the hurt of Bec’s rejection from the facts, and realised that he’d given her an either/or proposition. He should have handled the whole thing better because now he had backed her into a corner.
Perhaps if he stepped away and gave her some space she’d discover that she’d rather be with him than without.
There was a plume of steam as the kettle whistled. As the steam spiralled up towards the ceiling, something clicked in Matt’s brain and an idea started to form. It was teasingly close, and Matt tried to grab it before it disappeared into the ether. A slow smile began to bloom on his face as the idea fell into place. All of a sudden he knew how he was going to tackle that scene he could never get right – he knew what he had to do. Underneath all their bravado, his hero and heroine, Alistair and Tansy, were afraid of getting hurt, afraid of commitment and putting themselves out there again. In the past both of them had been broken by someone or by circumstance, and both of them had had to learn to trust again. Underneath the innuendo and the hot sex were two people who had been damaged. And maybe if they learned to trust each other, they could start to heal – sort of like him and Bec.
God, some things were so bloody obvious when you looked at them a different way.
He couldn’t make Bec love him enough to take a chance. All he could do was wait and hope that one day she’d be willing to admit that she loved him as much as he did her. He wanted her so much, but forcing the issue would just push her further away. There was only one option left open. Matt flicked off the kettle and hurried into his office. Pulling up his manuscript he went to the blank scene in chapter twenty-four and began to write.
***
Maggie spun around and glared at her husband as he entered the lounge room. ‘Don’t you see what you’re doing to her . . . to us?’ So far the argument had carried them from the bedroom to the kitchen and finally into the big front room.
Jack wheeled past her to the window. He stopped and stared out across his land, refusing to speak. Ever since the accident he’d used the silence as a weapon. But today, Maggie wouldn’t have any of it.
‘And you can stop the whole brooding silence thing as well. This time we’re going to have an adult conversation – one in which you don’t turn away from me.’
‘What the hell do you want from me, Maggie?’ he said as he glanced over his shoulder at her.
‘My bloody husband back – do you remember him? He was that brilliant guy I fell in love with.’
Jack shook his head and looked back out the window. ‘That guy doesn’t exist anymore.’
‘That’s bullshit and you know it. The truth is you just won’t let him out – or me in. The accident was shit and I understand that you’re frustrated, depressed and mad as hell. I know that we can’t go back to how it was between us . . . and how it was with Bec. But you’re refusing to try and move forward.’
‘Why should I? What is there?’
Maggie let out something between a sigh and an exasperated scream. ‘Me! Us! Your family – that’s what! You seem to have forgotten that. We can’t go on like this, something has to give. Seriously, Jack, we’re at breaking point.’
Jack spun his wheelchair around, his mouth set in a hard line. ‘Are you leaving me? Is that what you’re telling me?’
‘Of course I’m bloody well not leaving you – you idiot! I love you and have done all my life, even though there’s been the odd day I kind of wish I didn’t, and believe me, today is right up there on the list.’ Maggie held her hand up at head level to illustrate her frustration.
His body relaxed. ‘I love you too, Maggs.’
Maggie’s stare misted as it fixed on him for a moment. Without warning she slumped onto the couch and burst into tears. She tried to pull herself together but tears kept falling and she couldn’t seem to catch her breath.
Jack swallowed hard before he rolled his wheelchair closer. ‘Oh, come on, Maggs – don’t cry . . . please. Shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry.’
She shook her head in a vain attempt to brush the tears away. ‘That’s the first time you’ve said that you love me since we got you back from the hospital.’
Jack opened his mouth to deny it but closed it again – Maggie could see he knew she was right. He said, ‘You know that I love you – it’s only ever been you. I haven’t looked at another woman – well, not since you knocked me down with your bike on Henderson Hill when you were fifteen.’
‘Knocked you down? We both know that you jumped in front of me.’ Maggie smiled despite the tears.
‘Well, it seemed a good idea at the time. It was the only way to get you to notice me.’
‘I noticed you and you didn’t have to jump in front of my bike. I had gravel rash for days.’
Jack’s smile got bigger. ‘Me too, and I still say it was worth it.’
Maggie was silent for a moment before she continued. ‘I know that you love me, it’s just that I need to hear it sometimes. It was as if we’d lost each other. We were together but not connecting. I’ve missed you, Jack – I really have.’
‘I’m sorry – I am. I guess I got so caught up with what was happening to me, I . . .’
Maggie reached out and took his hand in hers. ‘You were entitled to that. I never said that we should forget the accident ever happened – it did, and it changed our lives forever. But it’s been over the last eighteen months that you’ve been shutting down and distancing yourself from Bec and me. Some days I feel as if I have two strangers under my roof rather than the two people I love most in the world.’
‘I’ll do better, I promise. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with Bec, just look at the way she handles Bluestone Ridg
e.’
‘You can’t see what’s happening to her, can you?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She’s trying so hard to live up to your expectations. All she wants is for you to be proud of her.’
‘I am proud of her.’
Maggie brought her hand up and touched his cheek. ‘But Jack, have you told her that? Your daughter puts every waking moment into the farm, and if it wasn’t for Matt, she wouldn’t have any life at all.’
‘Oh come on – Matt? That’ll never happen.’
‘Then what exactly is going to happen? Is Prince Charming going to roll on up when Bec is shearing, or fencing, or haymaking, or perhaps when she’s drenching the mob?’
‘I didn’t think . . . Besides, I always hoped that she’d get back with the Turner boy. I mean, they were engaged and all. I thought that they would eventually work it out and everything would be just like before.’
Maggie stared at him open-mouthed for a second. ‘You do realise what happened, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, I know, he made a mistake – a really stupid mistake.
‘Geez Jack, a mistake!’
‘Yeah, people do that. The boy was . . . well, let’s just say he wasn’t thinking with his head. I’m not trying to excuse him, he stuffed up in a big way but surely they can work it out – put the past behind them?’
‘You’ve got to be kidding. Bec found Zane in bed with another woman.’ Maggie shook her head. ‘How the hell do you come back from that? ‘I’d call it a bit more than a stuff up, wouldn’t you? It wasn’t even a moment of madness on Zane’s part – not that that would have made it any better. He and Tanya had been seeing each other on a regular basis for a lot of the time he was with our daughter. The little shit only wanted Bec so he could eventually get his hands on Bluestone Ridge.’
‘What! I thought it was just a one-off thing.’
‘Well it wasn’t.’
‘Look, I was willing to forgive him once for being a young idiot. God, we’ve known him since he was a kid but now I’d like to wring his bloody neck. Why didn’t Bec tell me what happened?
‘She was still reeling from the shock. For days she didn’t say anything to anyone and then you came off the quad bike. She figured you had more important things on your mind than her failed romance with Zane.’
Jack gave Maggie a hard look. ‘And what’s more important than my daughter?’
Maggie shrugged. ‘She was trying to protect you. Your accident took a huge toll and she didn’t want to add any more stress.’
‘Geez, Maggs.’
‘If Zane had been honest and said that the engagement was a mistake and that he was in love with Tanya, then I would have been alright with that, and I think Bec would have too. But they weren’t honest and they knew what they were doing and kept it going. The only silver lining is that Bec found out before she married him. Heaven knows, they could have been years married and Zane could still have been carrying on with Tanya.’
‘I guess it’s just as well that she had the farm to look after.’
‘It’s a mixed blessing, to be sure.’
Jack gave Maggie a questioning look. ‘How?’
‘She threw herself into work so she didn’t have to think about the whole disaster with Zane. But the problem is that she never stopped working. Once you had the accident she decided if the farm was going to survive it was up to her. From that day to now, she hasn’t stopped to take a breath, let alone find the time to be herself again and fall in love.’
‘I didn’t think—’
‘No, you didn’t,’ Maggie butted in. ‘The running of Bluestone Ridge sits firmly on her shoulders but you’re not giving her the support she needs.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean that you counter every decision she makes. Bec may run the place but you won’t relinquish the tiniest bit of control. I get why you do it, but sweetheart, things have to change.’
‘But, Maggs, I don’t . . . I mean, I ask her opinion – sometimes.’
‘And then you go and ignore what she says and order her to do it your way.’
‘That’s a bit harsh, love.’
Maggie leant forward and brushed her lips against his. ‘I know it sounds that way but just stop and think about it for a second. If you want this place to continue being handed down through the generations, then you have to give Bec some real power and some time off every now and again – even if that means hiring more farmhands. I know that you like to have a surplus and an emergency fund. We got through the drought pretty much unscathed and a lot of that is down to you. But we need to spend money to support Bec in running this place – she needs help.’
Jack took hold of Maggie’s waist and pulled her down onto his lap. For a second Maggie sat there, surprised, but then she leant back against him.
‘I heard what you said and I swear that things will change,’ Jack said against her ear. ‘I mean it, Maggs – everything is going to be fine, I promise.’
Maggie turned her head and smiled at her husband. ‘Good.’
Without another word Jack angled his head and kissed her long and hard – just like he used to.
Chapter 16
Bec spent the next week working around the house and in the bottom paddock. There was a shift in the seasons, she could feel it. It was still cold, but there was a change in the air; at times it seemed more temperate. Much of the landscape was already heralding in the spring: tiny buds of green had appeared on the trees and the plants that had been dormant over the crisp winter were beginning to show signs of life and renewal.
As always, the farm demanded her attention, but more times than she liked to admit she found her gaze wandering past the boundary fence and onto Matt’s cottage. She had made herself stay away. It was the wrong decision, she knew that in her heart, but something was stopping her from walking over to him. At first she had tried to make herself believe that it was better this way. She didn’t need the complication of a fully fledged relationship. That mindset would last about ten minutes before she had to accept that she was kidding herself. The idea of having an affair with no strings attached might have been attractive in the beginning but Bec had to face the fact that she was already in love with Matt. She didn’t know how it had happened, but it had. And whether or not it worked out and she got a happy ending wasn’t really the point. Deep down she knew that she wanted to try again – she had to give love another chance. It may blow up in her face but she wouldn’t run away anymore. Matt cared for her, loved her even, and she was going to fight to make her relationship with him work. That was, as soon as she worked up the courage to actually make the long journey to his place.
She was in the kitchen one morning, trying to fortify her resolve or lack of it with a cup of coffee, when she heard a noise in the front drive. Bec wandered through the house and looked out the large window in the lounge. Her father was just getting settled into his car and shoving his collapsed wheelchair into the seat next to him. He shook his head as Maggie went to help.
‘I can do it.’ In a softer tone he said, ‘Just close the door, sweetheart, and I’ll see you later.’
‘Okay . . .’
He smiled at her. ‘I promise I’ll ring if anything crops up, okay?’
‘Alright – bye.’ Maggie stood back as the car moved around the circular drive and headed towards the old stone gate.
Bec knew there was something up, she could feel it in her gut. Her father had been acting weird – yeah, that was the only way she could describe it – for the past week and a half. He’d been secretive and would stop mid-sentence or hang up the phone every time she walked into the room. It was enough to make her feel paranoid. Did he have a secret he wasn’t willing to share with her? As with everything else lately, she just turned the other cheek, but it hurt, deep down, that he just wouldn’t include her and tell her what the hell he was up to.
As the days had passed, Bec had become more and more concerned. Her father was acting weird and
it was beginning to scare her. At first she thought that maybe after all this time he’d got some of his confidence and mojo back. He was looking happier than she’d seen him in a long time, and the other afternoon she’d walked into the lounge room and actually caught her parents kissing – really kissing. That was something she hadn’t seen since her dad had had his accident. It was sweet and kind of disturbing at the same time.
But what had really started to worry her was that he’d started taking his old ute and disappearing down the road towards town by himself. As soon as her dad had returned home after the accident, they had had his car modified with hand controllers so he could drive it. The problem was that Jack hadn’t attempted to take the car out for months. Finally, at the insistence of her mother, he’d got back behind the wheel. However after he’d mastered the new hand controls he’d quickly lost interest and barely driven again. Maggie had made sure that the car was always ready just in case he wanted it but the ‘just in cases’ had been few and far between. That was until this past week, when Jack had gone out in his ute nearly every day.
She almost bumped into her mother as she walked through the front door.
‘Where’s Dad going?’
‘To Bendigo. He said he has some business to take care of.’
‘But how come he didn’t get you to go with him?’
‘I guess he wanted to do it himself. I’m not sure what he’s doing. He told me that he had a couple of meetings and that he was going to meet Mick Turner for coffee.’
‘Mum, what’s going on?’
Maggie gave her a brief hug. ‘I don’t know. He was really cagey, like that year he planned a surprise party for me. Remember that? The secrecy thing almost drove me mad. Anyway, all he said was he was putting things right and not to worry about it. According to him, everything is going to be okay.’
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