“I’m telling you that as far as I’m concerned, Cree and I are… acquaintances. Nothing more.”
Leaning in, Loren smiled. “Come on, Alicia… Cree Bradley is a large, sexy hunk of man, with a good five times the usual brain allotment for men, and two times the typical dick. Not to mention, he’s just a flat-out good guy. Give me one good reason you wouldn’t want him.”
“You give me yours first.”
She laughed, moving a little closer to me as she adjusted her position to accommodate her growing belly. “I have little interest in a good guy – in a guy, period. Just not what I want for my life right now.”
“So I can’t be thinking the same thing?” I asked, and Loren lifted an eyebrow.
“I mean, you could… and I honestly wondered that about you.”
I shrugged. “I never thought I gave off the impression of a woman desperate for a man, so… I’m not surprised by that,” I told her.
I reached for the glass of wine I’d poured from the bottle she brought and took a sip, savoring the fruity taste in my mouth for a moment before I realized she hadn’t responded. When I looked up, she was staring at me, lip pulled between her teeth. I didn’t have a chance to register what was happening before my face was in Loren’s hands, and her lips were against mine, pressing in for a soft, quick kiss that stunned me.
When she pulled back, her eyes met mine, searching, but shit… I didn’t have any answers to give. I put a hand to my mouth, still shocked that she’d kissed me, and then poured the rest of the wine in my glass down my throat before I finally turned to her again, eyes wide and questioning.
“I… uh… Loren, what was that?”
“Oh… shit,” she muttered to herself, and then chuckled. “I… thought we were on the same page just now, but suddenly I’m thinking maybe not.”
I nodded. “Yeah, definitely not,” I laughed, unable to shake that astonished feeling.
She gave me a wry smile. “Too bad… we’d be fine as hell together, and you know it. My bad for… getting in your space like that. I just thought, since you’re not into Cree, and you seemed to be saying you were interested in something new… but obviously I was mistaken.”
“Yes, definitely mistaken,” I agreed. “But um… no hard feelings. As I think back on the lead-up, we did kinda sound like the start of a lesbian skin flick.”
She laughed, “Yeah, a lil’ bit. But agreed, no hard feelings, at all. I definitely need to get laid though.”
“You really do,” I giggled. “First Cree, then me, of all people!”
“What do you mean, of all people. Alicia, you’re bad in more ways than one. Which is why I was trying to scoop you from Cree, but I see you’re only into these men or whatever,” she said, waving her hand in a way that made me laugh again. “But no, in seriousness… you still gonna be my baby’s godmother or nah?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Would you still want me to? With… everything?”
“Are you kidding? Of course. You’re a business owner, you’re a badass, you’re smart, you’re kind… I cannot think of a better influence I’d want in this child’s life.”
“Loren…” I sighed. “There are things that you don’t know about me. Ugly things.”
“Which makes you no different than the rest of us,” she said, with a smile. “And besides all of that… you’re going to be in his or her life either way, since you’ll be connected to Cree.”
“I already told you, I—”
“Some bullshit. Some bullshit is what you told me. You may not be into women, and that’s fine, but lets be real… you’re definitely into Cree Bradley.”
“Seriously, Loren—”
“Listen, I didn’t come to argue about it,” she interrupted again, pulling herself up from the couch. “I came to give you my blessing, and reassure you that Cree and I are strictly platonic, moving forward.”
“That is of no consequence to me,” I said, following her to the door.
“Whatever you say girl.” She pulled me into a quick hug. “I love you, okay? But I gotta go. I have a firefighter to track down.”
I sucked in a breath. “Oooh, that big chocolate bar, Alec? I thought he broke his leg?”
“Yes, but mine are fine. Since you and Cree want to be stingy… I guess he’ll do. I’m about to go ride his dick off. I’ll see you later.”
Laughing, I nodded. “Of course, Loren. Bye.”
Once she was gone, I pushed out a deep breath that led into a deep laugh. I’d known Loren long enough that her bisexuality wasn’t really a surprise, but for her to try to push up on me, well… that certainly was. And it was hilarious.
But it wasn’t… that funny.
Not funny enough for the hysterics that my laughter devolved into, followed in close succession by deep, wrenching sobs. It quickly became apparent that my outburst of emotion wasn’t about Loren at all, but rather everything that had preceded the revelation of who’d gotten her pregnant.
The rotten cherry on top of a cake frosted with shit.
Not that I wanted to think badly of Loren’s pregnancy, or of her child, it was just…
Honestly?
Devastating.
As desperately as I needed something to go right, nothing was, and aside from the much-needed levity of Loren’s drop-in, there had been precious little to laugh about for nearly a month. The constant barrage of stress-inducing information, the bombshell revelations, everything I thought I knew about my life yanked from under my feet like a cheap rug…
It was exhausting.
And overwhelming.
So instead of fighting the tears, I gave in, letting them drain me of all my energy. I dragged myself to the bed, where I curled up with my pillow, trying in vain to replicate the comfort I’d found in having Cree asleep beside me.
Just two or three times, and I was already used to it.
Already missed it.
It was crazy.
I was crazy… for allowing myself to get comfortable like that in the first place.
&
“Where’s mommy?”
I didn’t want to tell Dacia that I’d seen one of those men grab Paloma by the neck, just before our father pulled me away from the staircase to tuck us into this room. I’d heard her screams, and then I’d heard daddy’s – Dacia had to have heard them too. But then again, she’d had her eyes squeezed shut, hands pressed tight over her ears – something I could see in the sliver of light afforded from the slight crack in the closet.
Paloma’s closet.
I wasn’t supposed to be in here. Dacia wasn’t either, but especially not me. She’d never hesitated to make sure I knew she wasn’t my mother – she was my father’s wife. She didn’t want me in her things, didn’t want me around, couldn’t wait to get me off to boarding school, so she could have her family in the house.
Dacia and my father.
Guilt swept through me as I pulled my little sister into my arms, knowing that when I’d first seen that man grab Paloma, even though I was terrified of what was happening… I’d smiled.
Maybe that’s why I’d been chosen as a Rose instead of a Petal.
Maybe they got me, and knew I already had the makings of a psychopath.
That… revelation… if I wanted to call it that, fueled the movement in my fists as I attacked the heavy bag, going after it like it was the men who’d come into that closet and separated me from my sister. So much was still a blur – so much of my memory prior to the Belrose compound was lost to me, maybe forever.
Maybe it was a blessing.
I was still marinating on that when my doorbell rang, pulling me out of my vibe. Frustrated, I wiped the sweat from my forehead and headed for the front of my apartment, stopping in the hall to flip open the wall panel that hid the camera feeds I’d started using again, since it seemed necessary as of late.
When I saw who was at my door, I froze.
Cree.
I wasn’t surprised it had taken him three days to finally just sh
ow up at my door, since I hadn’t been answering his texts or calls. I knew – after much teasing – that he’d gone as far as contacting Kingston just to make sure that I was okay, which I appreciated, but still… I didn’t feel ready to see his face.
And yet, there it was.
There he was, with a gym bag in his hand for some reason.
He lifted his hand to knock again, and I knew I had to answer the door, if for no other reason than to get him inside before someone who didn’t need to saw him lingering.
It was the last thing I wanted to do though.
“Come in,” I said, as soon as I pulled it open. “Before someone sees you.”
“Hello to you too,” he said, wearing this little grin as he ambled in, in no particular hurry. “I’ve been horrible, how about you?”
I raised an eyebrow as I closed the door behind him, and locked it. “I’ve been… me. What’s with the bag?”
“Your building has a gym. I figured it was a good cover for getting in here without tipping off the real reason for my visit.”
“Which is…?”
He just looked at me, which was the answer I deserved. I was purposely playing clueless, and we both knew it.
“So… what have you been doing?” he asked, tossing his bag onto the couch before he turned back to look at me. He was dressed to work out – in a black sleeveless tee that put his biceps on full display, and when he folded those powerful arms across his chest, he looked so… climbable… that I had to look away.
“Not much,” I shrugged. “Been at a bit of a dead end, since…”
“Since you decided to try to do this by yourself?”
“Since I realized I had to do this by myself,” I corrected, making him smirk. Which made me ache.
“You haven’t had to do this by yourself since the day I knocked on that door and you know it.”
“Do I?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “You do. You decided to push me away.”
I scoffed. “Pretty sure your impending fatherhood decided that. I need to get back to my workout,” I told him, starting back down the hall.
“Okay lead the way.”
I stopped, turning to see that he was right behind me. “Excuse me?”
“What?” he shrugged. “I’m already dressed for it anyway. I haven’t had a good workout in over two weeks. May as well do it together.”
“I’m on the heavy bag.”
“Fine with me. Or we can spar.”
Before I could help it, I laughed. “You don’t want to spar with me.”
“You’re right,” he said, returning my grin. “You’re handicapped, because of your arm. But I’m willing to overlook that, and work with you anyway.”
“You think you’re so funny, and I disagree.”
He smirked again. “No you don’t. Come on. Tape me up.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yes. Bring your ass. We have shit to talk about.”
I stared at him for another few moments and then let out a sigh, knowing that arguing about it was fruitless. Motioning for him to follow me, I led him down to the extra bedroom I’d converted to a place to workout, even though I had the gym downstairs. Here, I could train in peace.
Well… usually.
Today, I taped Cree’s hands, trying not to give in to the urge to look into his face, even though he was looking at me, his stare unrelenting. I could only manage that for so long though – I could fight without looking directly at my opponent, but it wasn’t necessarily wise. So when it was time to get in a stance, I gave him my eyes – just long enough for him to understand I intended to make him regret this idea, make him regret coming here, make him regret… getting involved with me, period.
Make him feel like I did.
So I attacked.
I held nothing back.
And I was pleasantly surprised to find that Cree could actually hang with me, which was impressive even with me only having limited use of my arm. Nearly every blow I aimed, he blocked, and the blows he took, he absorbed like they were nothing, even though I knew that wasn’t the case. I quickly realized though, that he wasn’t throwing any blows of his own, which annoyed me enough to go even harder, until he finally held up his hands to signal a break.
“Yo, what did I do to you?” he asked, panting as he worked to catch his breath.
I rolled my eyes. “You showed up, that’s what.”
“Seriously?” He raised an eyebrow. “Me coming to talk to you is a problem?”
“Duh, fool,” I snapped. “How do you not understand that this makes it harder?”
“Makes what harder?”
“Forgetting.” I let out a frustrated groan, and turned my back to him. “I was… open with you. Vulnerable. And it was a mistake I’d like to forget as quickly as possible, but I can’t with you showing up here acting like everything is just… peachy.”
He shook his head. “It’s not peachy. It’s not peachy at all, and I know that, Alicia. I’m not trying to pretend it is. I’m trying to make it clear to you that I want it to be though.”
I threw my hands up. “And how do you propose we manage that? I don’t know what the hell we were doing, but I do know that you having a baby is… I don’t know how to navigate that. She’s my friend.”
“So just give up on what could be… I don’t know what it could be. But it could be something. And you’re telling me we just scratch that because of a fling that meant nothing to either party?”
“You may not have intended for it to mean anything, but really… it means a permanent connection, between you and her. A child Cree. Something that of course you want for your life. Something that… I can’t give you.”
He frowned. “Alicia, we hadn’t even defined anything yet, you don’t really think I’m expecting a kid between us any time soon, do you?”
“No, you’re misunderstanding. I know we’re not talking about a kid right now. What I’m saying to you is that it’s not a possibility for me. Ever.”
“… ever?”
My shoulders sank, and I dropped my gaze to the padded ground. “Um… A tattoo isn’t the only thing you get when you turn eighteen… become a Rose. There’s a procedure. A permanent procedure to “increase my field longevity”…. To make sure that I never got pregnant. They broke me.”
Cree stopped in the middle of wiping sweat from his face with his shirt, dropping the fabric to fix me with this look that…
“Don’t look at me like that,” I snapped, and he shrugged.
“Look at you like what?”
“Like you… pity me.”
“That’s not what this look means.”
I scoffed. “Then what does it mean?”
“It means that I don’t understand how you can tell me something like that and think that you are the one in that story who’s broken.” He shook his head. “Nah… you’re not the fucked up one. They are.”
“Whatever the semantics,” I grunted, frustrated. “The fact is that she can give – is giving – you something that I can’t.”
“Then it sounds to me like we lucked out.” Cree took a cautious step toward me, then another, then another, until he was close enough to grab my hand and draw me in his direction. “Loren is going to make all of us parents. How amazing is that?”
My eyebrows shot up. “All of us? Cree, we’ve been cordial for what, two weeks, and you’re—”
“Relax, woman,” he urged, pulling me into his arms. “I’m just… saying.”
“Just saying what?”
“That... I know this situation is awkward, and I’m under no delusions that it’s all gonna be easy all the time, but… we just started vibing. It’s rare for me, and I know it’s rare for you, and… shit. I’m not ready for that to be over yet. Are you?”
Damnit.
I hadn’t expected to be asked such a difficult question so plainly, but there it was, and not answering wasn’t really an option.
“Just answer the question, Alicia,” he urg
ed, grabbing the bottom of my chin to tip my face up toward his. “And answer it honestly. Are you really ready to let go of… the possibility of us?”
“What kind of corny-ass—”
“Answer the goddamn question.”
“No. I’m not,” I admitted, swallowing hard afterward, trying to keep my heart in my chest instead of leaping out through my throat.
Cree brought his hands to my shoulders as he pushed out a sigh that sounded like relief, then squeezed. “Okay then… there it is. We’re doing this, and it’s going to be fine.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.”
“What makes you so sure? How do you know it’s going to be fine?”
“It’s going to be fine because I fucking say so, that’s what makes me so sure.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “You know that’s… not a real answer, right?”
“It’s good enough for parents to use on their kids, so it’s good enough for me.”
“So you’re already practicing shutting down logic for when this kid is old enough to start outsmarting you?”
“Stay ready so I don’t have to get that way,” he countered with a grin as he slipped his hands down to my waist. “Speaking of parents… I have some things I need to tell you. Some important updates.”
My eyes went wide. “Things… about my parents?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Let’s get cleaned up, and then we’ll talk about it… okay?”
No.
It wasn’t okay.
I wanted him to tell me everything he knew, right now, but he was already stripping out of his sweat-soaked shirt, and I needed to separate myself from him before this drop-in took another turn.
“There’s a little bathroom by the kitchen,” I told him. “With a shower you can use.”
His eyebrows went up as he folded the shirt in his hands, undoubtedly knowing what his golden, shirtless body did to me. “That your way of telling me I’m not invited to yours?”
Instead of responding to that, I walked away, closing myself in the privacy of my bedroom to take my own shower. Hell no he wasn’t invited into my shower, because I knew exactly where that would lead – to the exact thing that had my feelings so confused in the first place – sex.
Deuces Wild Page 17