Bermuda Heat

by P. A. Brown

  “Where’d you meet this ‘empty man’? At university? You’re a Willerton, of course you went. Some East Coast debutante college no less, I’m sure.” He glanced at his stepfather, then looked away. He didn’t want to see the distress in his eyes.

  “No.” His mother took great pains not to look at anyone. “I didn’t meet him at Bryn Mawr.” Graham looked at his motherin-law. The look on both their faces said, “Don’t go there.” For the first time since he’d known her, David’s mother ignored her own mother.

  “Woodstock,” she finally said.

  David wasn’t sure he had heard her right. “Woodstock. You were at Woodstock?”

  50 P.A. Brown

  “She ran away from home,” his grandmother said icily. “In a moment of pique she nearly threw away a lifetime of promise.”

  David swore under his breath. His stepfather sighed and sank into a chair at the kitchen table. He gestured for David to join him but David ignored the invitation.

  “There’s no need for that kind of language,” his grandmother snapped. “Whatever you have become, you are still a Willerton.”

  “Is that what you told my mother when she came back, knocked up? That she was still a Willerton?”

  “Barbara knew her place.”

  “I’m sure,” he said. “Under your thumb.” David turned his back on her and spoke to his mother. “You met this man, this Joel Cameron, at Woodstock. What was he doing there?”

  “Joey, he called himself Joey. He was attending school.

  Apparently it’s common for Bermudians to travel overseas to get an education. He took time off school to go to Woodstock. It was the biggest thing of the time.”

  “So I’ve heard,” David said. Try as he might he could not see his mother as a flower child dancing through Max Yasgur’s muddy pasture, long hair full of flowers, barefoot and…sexually free? Doing it with total strangers. His mother?

  “Sex, drugs and rock n’ roll,” he muttered. “What happened to him? Did he abandon you once he found out you had a little Joel Cameron in the oven?”

  His mother winced at the crude words. “No,” she whispered.

  “It wasn’t like that. We finally got out of the festival and I followed him…”

  “Followed him where?” Although David already knew. His birth certificate said it all; the birth certificate that didn’t list a father’s name.

  “Were you planning from the beginning to lie to us both? Is that why you wrote my father out of my existence before I was even born?”

  “N-no.” For the first time in his life David saw his mother BeRMudA heAt 51

  confused.

  “Son,” Graham said. “Is this really necessary—”

  “You tell me. You try finding out everything you believed in was a lie. So Mother.” He swung back to face her. “How did you manage to forget to include my father’s name on my birth certificate?”

  “I can’t—”

  “Tell him, Barbara,” Graham said. “I think the time for lies has past.”

  “You weren’t born in a hospital. We had no money… a woman we met was a mid-wife, but it wasn’t legal to use them back then, so I said it was a premature home birth.” She ducked her head, a line of sweat on her upper lip. “Afterward, I never added your father’s name. It was an oversight—”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Don’t talk to her that way!” his grandmother snapped.

  “Nanna, stay out of this,” Graham said. “Maybe if you had minded your own business back then, it wouldn’t have come to this.”

  “He has no right to speak to his mother that way.”

  “Why? Only you can?” David studied his mother’s face, noting how pale it was. Any pity he might have felt was dispelled by the knowledge of how thoroughly she had messed with his life, as well as his real father’s. “So, you followed your new boy toy to San Francisco and dumped me in a pot pad like a litter of unwanted kittens. Don’t tell me, Haight-Ashbury, right?”

  His mother darted a quick glance at his grandmother and raised her chin. “Yes, but you were never ‘dumped.’”

  “Despite your lousy mothering skills, you’ve actually managed to impress me. You had the balls to leave this.” He pointedly looked around the modern and very expensive kitchen, then looked at his grandmother. “To leave her. Too bad you didn’t have the guts to stay away. Instead, you let her suck you back in.”

  52 P.A. Brown

  “I was there for her when your deadbeat father grew feathers and flew the coop.” His grandmother stiffened. “Would you rather have grown up on the filthy streets of that disgusting city?”

  “A cage is always preferable to the streets. Isn’t that what being a Willerton is all about? A gilded cage?”

  “You were never in a cage! You were protected and I might even say cosseted.”

  He noticed she never used the word love. He suspected that word wasn’t part of her vocabulary. “I gave up trying to make you happy when I was ten,” he said. “It took me nearly another decade before I managed to escape with my balls intact.”

  “Is that why you chose such a loathsome job? Associating with the lowest dregs of society, murderers and rapists?” Her gaze scanned his face, which he knew still bore the remnants of the bruises from his latest altercation. “It’s no wonder you became a degenerate, living with that androgynous faggot. You could have been a lawyer. You could have been anything!”

  David had never felt more like hitting a woman in his life.

  He clenched his hands into fists, digging his fingernails into his palms to drive the urge away. He could feel the blood pumping through his forehead. His jaws tightened. “I’m going to ignore that remark. But hear this, you will never mention Chris again, or I won’t be responsible for what I do.”

  “You dare threaten me?” His grandmother roared. “You disgusting pervert—”

  David turned away from her. Standing up, he stared through the screened-in porch’s windows toward the lake. He spotted Chris standing on the shore, tossing stones into the unruffled surface. Even from this distance his heart ached with love at the sight of Chris’s trim body. How dare this woman try to sully that.

  “David, please,” his mother wheedled. God she never gave up.

  He spun around and shouted, “I’m tired of your lies. You had the gall to tell my own father that I was dead! You told me he was dead. How dare you!”

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  “We dared because we cared. How can I make you understand that?”

  “I’ve seen how much you cared. I disgust you, isn’t that what you’ve told me I don’t know how many times? Trust me, the feeling is mutual.”

  “David!”

  “Shut up!”

  Both women recoiled. His grandmother put her hand on his mother’s arm. Graham stood up.

  “I think you two should leave,” Graham said softly to the two women. “This has gone far enough.”

  David could tell his grandmother wanted to argue, but his mother’s grip on her arm tightened. Finally they both turned away. “You’re right. This conservation is a waste of time. Leave him, if that’s what he wants.”

  “Yes, Nanna,” his mother said meekly, once again giving up the argument without a whimper of protest. He wondered how long it had taken his grandmother to whip the fight out of her.

  She never looked back as she followed her mother out of the kitchen. The room seemed larger without them.

  Wearily David met Graham’s troubled gaze. Neither one of them spoke for nearly a minute. Then Graham sighed and massaged the back of his neck. “What will you do now?”

  “Go to Bermuda. Meet my father. After that… I don’t know.”

  “Maybe once your business is taken care of you could stop back here. I’ll talk to your mother. We can make this okay.”

  “I don’t know, Dad.”

  “We’re family, David. No matter how badly your mother’s behaved, she never meant to hurt you. That might be hard to believe right now, bu
t it’s true.”

  David knew his stepfather meant well, but it was all too much to swallow just now. Bitter bile filled the back of his throat.

  “We’ll talk later, okay?”

  54 P.A. Brown

  He left, making his way out to the deck. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with clean air and washing away the poisonous fatigue in his blood. Chris was still down by the waterfront.

  David picked his way downhill and came up behind his husband.

  He leaned over and planted his mouth on Chris’s neck, warm from the sun. He pressed his hips against his favorite playground.

  Chris jumped. He spun around and grabbed David’s arms.

  “Jesus, you scared me.”

  “You’ve got bad nerves.” David still held him close.

  Chris took one look at his face and tightened his hold on David’s arms. “What happened?”

  “Let’s talk about it later.”

  “No, I want to know. What happened?”

  “I finally realized how much time I’ve wasted hiding from everyone, pretending I was something I’m not.”

  He could tell Chris wasn’t entirely convinced. He wrapped his arms around Chris, who melted into him.

  “You want to see my tree house?” David asked.

  “Is that anything like ‘come up to see my etchings’? That’s a horrible pick-up line.”

  David’s hands roamed over Chris’s back, feeling the muscles flex and shiver under his touch. He needed to get away from the toxic atmosphere of his parents’ house. He wasn’t going to let Chris be poisoned by it, too.

  “Later we can take a ride. I’ve got candy.”

  “Now that’s better.” Chris licked his lips. “Will you be bad?”

  David kissed him then set him away. “As bad as you want.”

  Chris grabbed his hand. “Come on; show me your tree house. I’m still trying to imagine you as a little boy all covered in scratches and mud, playing cowboys and Indians in the woods.

  Did you have a dog?”

  “Of course. What self-respecting American kid didn’t have one? His name was Butch.”

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  Chris and David exchanged glances then they both burst out laughing.

  “Now if that isn’t prophetic, I don’t know what is. Now, where is this place? You can tell me how it all went down with your mother.”

  “I don’t know, Chris—”

  “Don’t you dare,” Chris dropped his bantering and swung around to face David. “Don’t you dare cut me out again. I won’t stand for it. What did your mother say?”

  “That she only did it to protect me. They were convinced my father was only after my mother’s money. But you’ll never guess where they met.”

  Chris studied David’s face as though he might see the answer there. “I give up. Where?”

  “Woodstock.”

  “You mean the Woodstock? Flower power and all that shit?”

  “All that shit. It was as close as my mother ever got to rebelling, I guess. She escaped long enough to get knocked up and wound up in Haight-Ashbury with my father.”

  Chris plucked a stick off the forest floor. All around them the quiet gloom of the old forest pressed in on them. David heard the whine of nearby cicadas.

  “I never would have seen that coming,” Chris said. “She got messed up with some hippy?”

  “I get the feeling she was a hippy for a while.”

  “So what happened?”

  “My grandmother, what do you think?”

  “That must have steamed her puritanical ass.”

  David forced a smile. “I dare say.”

  “You get the feeling there’s more going on here than anyone’s admitting?” Chris stripped the buds off the small twig, littering the forest floor. A blue jay screamed at them from overhead.

  56 P.A. Brown

  The rich loamy smell under David’s feet brought back sharp memories of a carefree childhood before the discovery came of just how different he was. A freak. Worse, a degenerate. He had fought the feelings for years, until he couldn’t fight them anymore. And with the surrender came the shame. What was wrong with him? How could he make it right? Only to realize that it would never be right.

  Chris planted himself in front of him. “So talk to me. Was it as bad as you thought it would be?”

  David sighed. “Yes,” he said. “And no. I never expected the whole rebellion thing. I still can’t imagine my mother ever doing anything my grandmother didn’t approve of. I can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if she’d told Nanna to go to hell.”

  “Fireworks, I’m sure.”

  “You don’t cross Nanna and come out unscathed. She leaves claw marks. A lesson we all learned years ago.”

  “Jesus, now I’m feeling sorry for your mother.”

  “Don’t. She was a coward. It was easier to give in than defy her own mother. That was her choice. No one else’s. She’s damn lucky the woman approved of Graham as suitable. He’s probably the only good thing she ever did.”

  They entered a small clearing in the woodlot. David could hear the whisper of nearby flowing water. A dragonfly zipped through the air past him and a gnarled willow tree dwarfed everything around it.

  David pointed up into the tangled strands of whip-like branches. “There.”

  Chris peered up. “Where? I don’t—oh there it is.” He studied the sturdy-looking planks that formed a platform nearly ten feet off the ground. Several rungs had been nailed into the tree trunk as a ladder. Where once there had been pristine wood, moss now grew on the warped boards.

  Chris reached up to touch one. “Think you could still climb it?”

  BeRMudA heAt 57

  “I’m not feeling all that suicidal.”

  “Oh, come on, where’s your spirit of adventure?” Chris turned dancing eyes on his husband. “We could play pirate treasure. You can be the dashing sea captain who sweeps his cabin boy off his feet.”

  “Like you’ve ever been anybody’s boy.”

  Chris got closer, his breath warm on David’s cheek. “I could be yours.”

  Then before David could stop him, Chris had scrambled up to the platform. He leaned over the edge and peered down at David. His grin was infectious. “Coming?”

  “You’re crazy,” David said, once he had pulled himself up after Chris.

  “And you love every minute of it.”

  Chris lay back on the platform, one knee bent, his hands behind his head. All he needed was a stalk of grass between his teeth to complete the picture of a golden hayseed. A hayseed who was altogether too sexy. David slid down beside him.

  “So what do we do now?” Chris asked, rolling over onto his side to face David. He traced David’s inner thigh with his fingers, feathering lightly over David’s swelling basket.

  David tried to ignore his growing erection. He stared up at the treetops. Sunlight danced through swaying branches, concealing then revealing the cloud-flecked deep blue sky. Lengthening shadows threw the tree house into shadow. “We try to get down from here without breaking anything.”

  “I meant now that we know the whole story.”

  “But do we?” David finally turned his lantern gaze on Chris.

  “We have one side of a pretty complicated story. That’s not everything.”

  “Then we go get the other half.” Chris began stroking him in earnest. Before David could object he slid the zipper of his jeans down, bent over and tasted him. David completely lost his train of thought.

  58 P.A. Brown

  After, Chris sat up, a smug smile on his lips. “Oh, Captain.

  My captain.”

  “You are so full of it,” David said, but he was laughing when he said it.

  “Yes, I am.”

  They lazed on the platform for the rest of the afternoon, half dozing at one point, only to wake and make love again. When they finally exited the woodlot onto Valley Stream Road the sun was setting over the lake. They walked d
own the road to his parents’ place holding hands, not caring who might see them.

  Only when they drew near the house did David drop his hand and make it clear there would be no more touching.

  Graham’s car was in the driveway. They found him on the deck, drinking a Pig’s Ear. He waved them over and pointed at a cooler beside his Adirondack chair. “Help yourselves. And if you’re hungry, there’s some roast beef left and some fresh bread I picked up in town.”

  They both cracked a beer open.

  “What did you do today?”

  “Went for a walk around the property,” David said. He traded a warm glance with Chris. “Did you know that old tree fort is still there?”

  “Hmph, haven’t thought of that thing in years. I remember when you practically lived in it one summer.”

  David remembered that too. That was the summer he had realized he was attracted to the other boys at school, and not the girls, like all his buddies. It had scared him spitless.

  “You should have told me.” David reached over and took Chris’s hand in his, taking comfort in the familiar touch.

  Graham ducked his head. “It seemed easier than the fuss that would surely have followed. I’m sorry, son. That’s a pretty poor excuse for years of lies…”

  David didn’t want to, but he understood. His mother and grandmother were like the force of an ocean riptide, inexorable.

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  Unstoppable. Graham could no more stand in their way than he himself could have all those years ago. He’d had the option of leaving, something he knew Graham would never do.

  “I have to go find out for myself. I hope you understand that.”

  Graham sighed. “Then I wish you luck. But don’t turn your back on your family here. Your mother may not know how to show it, but she does love you. So do I.”

  David nodded, even if he didn’t believe him. Not about his mother, at least. He had never doubted Graham’s love. He raised his beer to his mouth. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

  All three fell into a companionable silence. They watched the sun slide past the distant canopy of trees and the sky go from crimson to purple, to velvety black. The first stars came out.