“Jah,” she said quickly. “You can set the table. Gracie, you’re done with the carrots now. Why don’t you help Faith?”
Gracie dropped the carrot peeler and jumped off the stool. “Okay, Mamm.”
Together the two girls set about getting the table ready. Nancy stood in the doorframe, watching them. Faith was such a nice girl. And she was fitting in well. Nancy could hardly wish for more.
The noon meal was the biggest of the day, and so Faith’s celebration was at noon. The table was laden with good, rich food. There was a pot roast, potatoes and gravy, carrots, pickles, homemade bread, two types of jam, and a large bowl of green beans. Faith hadn’t seen such a spread since the special dinner she and Penny had arranged for their parents’ anniversary. Her mouth watered just looking at it. And to think that it was for her. She could hardly fathom it. She wanted to take a photo of it with her phone, but she was afraid that would be seen as too worldly, and she was doing her utmost to lessen the differences between her world and theirs.
How she wanted to don her kapp and pretend that she truly was part of them. But she had the presence of mind to realize that such an act would be seen as ridiculous at best.
“Sit here by me,” Debbie said, her eyes aglow. She patted the bench next to her.
Faith grinned and sat between Debbie and Gracie. The boys were on the opposite side. Abel sat at the head of the table, and Nancy sat at the end. During the other two meals, Nancy had sat to the side of Abel, so this was a change. The baby was in her highchair at Nancy’s side.
Abel cleared his throat. Everyone bowed their heads, but instead of beginning the silent prayer, Abel began to speak.
“This here is a special day. Especially for your mamm.” He nodded at Nancy. “We’re right glad to have Faith Baldwin with us. This marks the beginning of a new day. You all have a new sister,” he looked around the table, “and we have a new daughter.”
With that, he bowed his head. The children bowed with him, but Faith sat with tears spilling from her eyes. She glanced over at Nancy, and they locked eyes. Nancy nodded at her with such a look of gratification that Faith nearly sobbed out loud. She saw, really saw, the joy that her being there was giving Nancy. She wanted to reach out and give Nancy’s hand a squeeze, but she couldn’t reach her hand from where she sat. Nancy bowed her head.
Faith did likewise, thanking God with her whole heart that she was there, eating with her new family.
The meal was delicious. Faith didn’t know when she’d tasted better roast beef or apple pie. She was stuffed when everyone finally left the table. Abel went back out to the fields, and Jeremy and Jimmy followed. The girls began to clear the table. Miriam had fallen asleep, and Nancy lifted her gently from her high chair and put her in the crib.
Faith took a stack of dishes into the kitchen. “Thank you, girls. That meal was wonderful.”
Debbie beamed. “I’m gonna be a baker someday. I want to work in the bakery in town. Mamm says I’ll be good enough.”
“I have no doubt of that,” Faith said.
“Girls?” Nancy remarked from the doorway. “Can you carry on for a while without Faith and me? I need to discuss some things with her.”
Gracie pulled the stool to the sink. “Okay, but I wanna wash this time.”
“Are you sure, Gracie?” Debbie asked. “There’s a mountain.”
“Why don’t you start, Gracie, and then let Debbie take over after a while?” Nancy asked.
“Okay.”
“Faith?” Nancy said.
Faith put her stack of dishes on the counter and followed Nancy outside. She wondered what this was about. Was Nancy going to ask her when she was leaving? Was something wrong? Her chest tightened with apprehension.
“You sit there,” Nancy directed her.
Faith sat in the far rocker, and Nancy sat beside her.
“Now then,” Nancy said. Faith saw that Nancy’s hands were shaking, and her chest constricted even further. This couldn’t be good.
“What’s wrong?” Faith blurted out. “Have I done something wrong?”
Nancy’s eyes widened. “Nee, nee.” She put her hand on Faith’s knee. “That’s not it at all.” She took a huge breath. “This is your second day here, and I know you’re dying to ask me questions.”
Faith sank back into the rocker. So that was it. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Nancy wasn’t asking her to leave.
“Before you ask your questions, let me tell you my story. Then if you want to know more, you can ask.” Nancy licked her lips and looked around as if checking to make sure no one could hear them.
Faith clasped her hands in her lap. A light layer of sweat broke out on her upper lip. This was it. This was what she’d wanted to know her whole life. She swallowed and forced herself to breathe evenly.
“I was young. Not much beyond fifteen years old. I was in my running around time—”
“Running around?” Faith questioned.
“We call it rumspringa. I hadn’t joined church yet, so I couldn’t be shunned. Sometimes, we can take a bit of advantage of that.” Nancy took another deep breath. “I started hanging around with Englischers. I liked them. They were nice. They accepted me, even with my accent and my Amish clothes.”
“I think Amish clothes are lovely,” Faith said and then bit her lip. Why was she interrupting?
Nancy gave her a quick glance, but then her eyes glazed over again, as if she were reliving her memories.
“There was one boy there. Oh, he was handsome. And kind. And he was daring.” She chuckled. “He did the craziest things. Like balancing on a high branch of an oak tree—just like he was a performer in a circus or something. I would watch with my mouth hanging open, fearing for his life. Anyway, I liked him. I liked him so much. And he liked me.”
She paused and shook her head.
“I couldn’t imagine that someone so worldly, so handsome, so full of life, would like me. Me. A shy Amish girl who hadn’t a clue what she was about. Anyway, he started to seek me out. We would meet down the road from my folks’ place. I’d wait in the bushes for him to come. He was older than me, and he had a car. I’d hop in, and he’d take me places.”
Nancy gazed off across the yard, a faraway look in her eyes.
“We’d go to the most exciting places. He took me to the fair. And a museum. And a movie. Ach! I could hardly believe my eyes. I used to change clothes into jeans and a T-shirt. They were his sister’s clothes that he’d borrowed for me, but they fit me well enough. I’d let my hair down and hide my own clothes under the front seat of the car.”
Nancy looked at her then. “Strange how a person can justify anything they want to justify. I would change clothes in the back seat. Hiding as best I could. But he would look at me. I knew he would look. In that mirror that hangs in the front window. At first, I was mortified, but then, I got used to it. He liked me. Somehow, it seemed all right.”
Faith couldn’t take her eyes from her mother’s face. Everything in her felt tense, expectant, and she hung on each word.
“One night. Well, one night…” Nancy’s voice faded. And then she coughed, sat a bit straighter and continued. “One night, I let him… Well. That was the night I became with child.” Tears filled her eyes. “I loved him, Faith. I did. I was too young and foolish to realize that nothing between us could possibly work out. But I was blinded. Crazy with love.”
She looked down at her hands. “I was sinful.”
Faith blinked hard. Her hands gripped the arms of the rocker. To hear herself described as the result of sin was more than she could bear.
Nancy’s eyes jerked back to Faith. “Nee! I said that wrong. I didn’t mean.” She shook her head with an air of desperation. “Faith. I can see it in your eyes. I said it wrong. I had sinned. But you… You were the result of love.” She leaned forward. “You were. No matter what my dat or mamm said. You were the result of love.”
Her voice was urgent, full of hurry. “You understand that, don’t you?”
T
he lump in Faith’s throat grew until she could hardly get air. She trembled and fought against her throat closing up entirely.
“Faith, I loved him. I did.” Nancy grasped both of Faith’s knees. “But it wasn’t to be. It couldn’t happen. When my parents found out, I was whisked away to Hollybrook.”
Faith felt the air seep back into her lungs.
“I was a child. I had no say.”
Faith put her hands on top of Nancy’s where she still gripped her knees.
“I wanted you,” Nancy whispered. “I wanted you more than I wanted my own life.”
A shiver ran up Faith’s spine, and she shuddered.
“But I had no choice.” Nancy pulled her hands away and sank back into her chair. “I stayed in Hollybrook until my time came. Mae delivered you. But I guess you already know that. Mamm didn’t want me to even see you. The moment you drew breath, they hurried away with you.”
A tear ran down Nancy’s cheek. “But they weren’t fast enough. I did see you. I saw that you were a little girl. I saw your pink face, all screwed up in a shrill cry. I saw you. You were beautiful, Faith. So beautiful.”
Faith couldn’t speak. She struggled to breathe.
“Shortly after that, I was brought back here, back to Landover Creek. It was like nothing had ever happened. Life went on as usual. But not for me. Not inside my heart. I had a hole there. A huge, gaping wound that nothing could heal. Mamm told me to keep quiet. To never breathe a word of what happened, so I didn’t. And strangely enough, no one ever found out. Ever.”
Nancy put her hand over her mouth and then let it fall back to her lap. “I never saw your father again. I was desperate to talk to him. To see him. I tried. I still loved him. I wanted to marry him and get you back and for us to be a family. But when I tried to find him, I found out he was gone. His entire family was gone. Moved. I never learned where.”
“What was his name?” Faith managed to choke out.
“Gregory Smith.”
Gregory Smith. She would have been Faith Smith. Faith Smith? How odd. It felt foreign to her as she rolled the name around in her mind.
“So you never saw him again.”
“Nee. He doesn’t know about you.” Nancy shook her head. “If he did, he would have married me. I know he would have. He had integrity. He was a good person. No matter what we had done.”
The fervor with which Nancy defended him surprised Faith. She would have thought that Nancy would have been bitter maybe, or unforgiving. But this surprised her. This defending him.
“I’m sorry,” Faith said, suddenly envisioning Nancy as a young teen, faced with such overwhelming sadness.
Nancy sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “It’s all over with now. He was lost to me. I was lost to him. And you were lost to both of us.”
Faith thought of her adoptive parents. How her mother had told her of their thrill in getting her. How they had gone to Indiana to pick her up when she was but hours old.
“You would like my parents,” Faith said softly. “They have been grateful to you since the day they got me.”
Nancy nodded, her lips trembling.
“My mom wants to meet you someday. And my dad.” Faith wasn’t sure why she brought that up. It didn’t seem to be the right time, but the words slipped from her mouth anyway.
Nancy nodded again, tears running down her cheeks. “I’ve missed so much,” she said, her voice shaky. “I’ve missed all your growing up years. I’ve missed caring for you when you were sick. I’ve missed watching you learn to crawl and walk and skip. I’ve missed it all.”
Faith leaned close. “I’m here now,” she said simply.
Nancy gave her such a look of love that Faith clutched her chest.
“Jah,” Nancy whispered. “You’re here now.”
They sat together for a long while, neither of them speaking a word. Faith’s mind whirled with her new knowledge. Now, she had it. She had her story. Her heart broke with the pain Nancy had suffered. When Old Mae had told Faith that Nancy hadn’t had a choice in giving her away, she’d been right. Her birth mother hadn’t been given any choice at all. None.
Nancy had wanted her. She wasn’t given away because she was unwanted. Faith’s chest burned within her, tightening her throat. It shouldn’t matter. But it mattered completely. Her mind flashed to her sister Penny. She’d been adopted, too. Faith wondered what her story was. Penny had never been interested. Was Penny afraid of what she might find?
Faith had always feared that she wasn’t wanted. She had struggled with the obsession to know. It had haunted her day and night. Even when she wasn’t thinking about it, it was there. It was always hovering. Always. That was a good part of what had driven her to find Nancy. But in the end, would it have mattered? If she had been wanted or unwanted? People find themselves in messes, and they don’t know how to get out.
Nancy’s mother’s insistence and actions had given Faith a beautiful adoptive family. She couldn’t dismiss that.
Would she have wanted to stay with Nancy?
Faith closed her eyes and put her hands to her heart. Yes, she would have wanted to stay.
But she wasn’t given a choice, either. And her mom and dad had provided her a home of love and security. And she would be forever grateful. She loved them. They had raised her and cared for her and loved her. She couldn’t wish it hadn’t happened.
Nancy was looking at her. “What are you thinking?”
Faith straightened her shoulders. “I was thinking about my mom and dad.”
Nancy sucked in her lips.
“I had a wonderful home, Nancy. I did.” Faith blew out her breath slowly. “But I have missed you my entire life.”
Nancy’s face crumpled, and she began to cry. Faith held out her hand, and Nancy gripped it hard. The sound of a horse pulling a cart invaded their quiet. Faith looked to see who it was.
Nancy gasped.
An older woman drove the cart. She was alone, and the look on her face was alarming. Her expression was hard, set in stone.
“It’s my mamm,” Nancy whispered. She stood and Faith felt her raw tension.
The woman pulled right up to the porch and hollered, “Whoa.”
Faith stood beside Nancy. Nancy grabbed Faith’s hand.
The woman climbed out of the cart and strode up the steps, her eyes on Faith. Faith nearly balked at the power of the woman’s gaze. Nancy trembled beside her.
“So,” the woman said. “This is the girl.” She stood before Faith, looking her up and down.
“Mamm—” Nancy warned, her voice scratchy.
“Hush up, daughter,” the woman said, waving her hand with impatience. “I’m not going to harm her. I just wanted to take my look.”
“Hello,” Faith said, relieved her voice was strong and sure in front of this formidable woman. Her grandmother.
“You look like my daughter,” Nancy’s mother snapped as if irritated. “Got her eyes. And her mouth.”
Faith didn’t speak.
The woman took a step closer. “Well, I’m your grohs-maami. I’m Esther.”
Faith smiled then, seeing a flicker of humanity in the woman. “Hello, Grohs-maami. I’m Faith.”
“I know who you are.”
“Mamm,” Nancy said.
“It’s all right, Nancy. I ain’t going to do anything to the child. I’m just here to meet her.”
“I was going to ask you to sit down and join us,” Nancy said, still clasping Faith’s hand.
“Not sure I want to do that.” Esther glanced at the two rockers, side by side. “So has my daughter told you, then?”
Faith’s eyebrows rose.
“About how this is all my fault? Mine and her dat’s?”
Faith swallowed. “She told me the story.”
“And blamed it all on me and her dat.” Esther gave Nancy a harsh look. “And I suppose Nancy’s right. Although, we was trying to protect her.”
Faith licked her lips. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, by my way o
f thinking.”
“By your way of thinking?” Esther gave her a grudging smile. “Well. Didn’t expect that.”
“Mamm, why don’t you sit and visit a bit? And dat? Is he coming?”
Esther didn’t look at Nancy, her eyes were glued on Faith. “You’re a pretty thing,” she said.
Faith smiled.
“How long you staying?”
“I don’t know for sure.”
“You ain’t got a life you need to rush back for?”
“I can stay a while,” Faith said. Did she have a life to rush back for? She thought of her parents and her sister and Seth. Of course, she had a life. But to rush back for? Confusion circled through her mind.
“Gut. I’ll be seeing you again, then.”
“And dat?” Nancy asked Esther again.
“He won’t be coming. Ever.” Esther stared at Nancy and then promptly left the porch. She got into the cart, slapped the reins, and was off.
Faith turned to Nancy.
Nancy shook her head. “I didn’t expect her to come,” she said quietly. “But I’m glad she did. Now, it’s over. She’s been here and seen you.”
“I’m glad she came, too,” Faith murmured. After meeting Esther, Faith was even more certain that Nancy hadn’t had any choice at all. Who could possibly stand up to the woman?
“So your father, my grandfather? He won’t be meeting me?” Faith couldn’t help but ask.
Nancy shook her head. “Nee. He won’t. Maybe someday. In the future. Maybe.”
Faith decided to let it go. Nancy would tell her more when she was ready.
Nancy started to laugh then, and Faith looked at her with surprise.
“I’m sorry,” Nancy said, still laughing. “It isn’t often I see my mamm so ferhoodled.”
“Ferhoodled?”
“Confused.” Nancy sank back into her rocker. “Nothing ever disturbs her. Nothing.”
Faith sat again.
Nancy looked at her. “But she was disturbed this time. I guess she’s human after all.”
Chapter Four
Faith sat cross-legged on the lovely hand-stitched quilt. She gazed out the window into the leafy branches. If she wasn’t mistaken, there was a small bird’s nest on the highest visible branch. Her cell phone buzzed, and she looked down at it. Guilt had forced her to take it back out of her suitcase. She would need to recharge it soon. She always turned it off when she wasn’t using it, but still, it was about to lose its charge.
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