by J J Moriarty
“Yet you owned your envy to rescue me. You chose to, didn’t you?” Hyzou said.
“Yes”, Safia said.
“So you’re choosing not to”, Hyzou said.
“I feel like we’ve had this discussion”, Safia said.
“It doesn’t make sense”, Hyzou said.
“Sometimes I forget things”, Safia said.
Hyzou frowned.
“What’s that got to do with anything?” Hyzou asked.
“Sometimes, well it’s hard to explain. I get up to go somewhere and… And well I arrive there, and I don’t know how I got there. It’s like it wasn’t important enough to remember”, Safia said.
“Safia no one can remember everything they…” Hyzou said.
“I’m not a person, I don’t think. That’s the problem”, Safia said.
“You’re what?” Hyzou asked.
Safia ground her teeth in confusion. She was searching for words.
“You know how you miss Piquea, how you feel sad when you think about it?” Safia asked.
Hyzou nodded.
“Well I don’t have anything like that. Sometimes I’m sad and sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I’m calm. And it’s not connected to anywhere”, Safia said.
Hyzou was truly confused now.
“What does that have to do with me missing Piquea?” Hyzou asked.
“You asked me if I miss CaSu, well I don’t miss it, but I don’t not miss it. And it’s the same with everything. My feelings, I don’t think they work like ordinary people’s. One minute I adore CaSu, and another I despise it. One minute I want to go to Uqing, and another I want to stay here. But most of all. Well, most of all, I just feel nothing”, Safia said.
She whispered the last sentence.
“You feel nothing?” Hyzou said.
“Yes. All the time. I go through so much of my life feeling, well, literally nothing”, Safia said.
“But you just said you feel too many things too strongly?” Hyzou said.
Safia shook her head.
“Yes, sometimes I do, but then I feel nothing other times. It’s like I’m either empty inside, or so full of feelings I think I can’t possibly be held together”, Safia said.
Hyzou placed his hand on her shoulder.
“It makes sense to me”, Hyzou said.
Safia looked at him.
“It does?” She asked.
And it did. Finally, Hyzou realised that he understood Safia. She was a puzzle, but all the pieces hadn’t been clear when they’d met. Only now, did Hyzou know enough about her to tell who she was.
“I told you about that story about Thanatis, asking you if you’d be willing to live your whole life again?” Hyzou asked.
“Yes”, Safia said.
“And I told you that it was just a metaphor used to train young Servants?” Hyzou said.
“Yes”, Safia said.
“To find your Qi you’ve to own your envy, but it’s even deeper than that. To find your Qi, you need to understand completely who you are, you need to understand yourself”, Hyzou said.
“But”, Hyzou continued. “You, Safia, don’t have a self, do you?”
Safia’s eyes widened.
“All this time I’ve been trying to train you as if all you had was a problem understanding yourself. But you don’t have a coherent self to understand, do you?” Hyzou said.
“Maybe”, Safia said.
“Do you want anything?” Hyzou said. “In your life, are there things that you consider immutable? That you want past just a feeling.”
Safia thought for a bit.
“I want to marry Persimmon. I want to be a Servant. More than anything, I want to be a Servant of Qi”, Safia said.
“When you found your Qi earlier to save my life, what happened there? How did you do that?” Hyzou asked.
Safia thought for a while.
“I don’t know. It’s like, for once the past didn’t matter, and the future didn’t either. I just was, and knew you needed my help. It didn’t matter who I was, I just needed to help you”, Safia said.
“And so you found a self?” Hyzou said.
Safia looked down at her hands.
“I think I’ve lost it since though”, Safia said.
Hyzou stood.
“I know more about you than you think Safia Min Daborah”, Hyzou said.
“What do you mean?” Safia said.
“I know what happened when you were a child. What broke you as a person”, Hyzou said.
“No, you don’t”, Safia said.
Hyzou went over to the bags he had packed. He picked up a package, round and covered in a woollen cloth.
“When I came back from the first assassination attempt, I climbed into the estate over the wall by the daughter’s palace. I climbed the palace and saw through the window into Marrea’s room. Shumur was in there with her”, Hyzou said.
Safia moaned aloud. She covered her face with her hands.
“No. Not Marrea too. Please, say it’s not true. She doesn’t deserve it”, Safia said.
“Neither did you. You were as innocent as her, it’s not her fault her father’s a monster, just like it’s not your fault either. All those things he did to you, you didn’t deserve them”, Hyzou said.
Safia was sobbing now.
“I can’t leave, I can’t leave her to her fate. He’ll break her. She’s such a beautiful child, and he’ll break her. She’s my sister, I can’t leave her”, Safia said.
You know how sisters are. Hyzou thought.
“You won’t”, Hyzou said.
He unwrapped the package, removing the woollen cloth. Inside was Shumur Min Daborah’s decapitated head. Hyzou rolled it across the grass to Safia.
Safia leaped to her feet. Then she stared at it.
“What did you do?” Safia said.
“Do you remember the resting house where we rented rooms when you were sick?” Hyzou said.
Safia was still staring at the head.
“Safia?” Hyzou asked.
Safia looked up, distracted.
“What? Yes, I remember it”, Safia said.
“I kept the room. This morning I kidnapped Marrea and hid her there”, Hyzou said.
“You what?” Safia asked.
“You must go quickly. Take Marrea and bring her from here. The adults on the Daborah estate do not mean her well, you must take her with you when you ride to Uqing”, Hyzou said.
“This is madness”, Safia said.
“It’s not. Marrea is talented, her Qi is nearly as powerful as yours. She’ll train as a Servant”, Hyzou said.
“The Servants of Qi won’t partake in kidnapping”, Safia said.
“She’s been sent by me, an Archaier. And five years ago, the Servants of Qi accepted me, a runaway slave from Pharaoh Ganymedes’ side”, Hyzou said. “They won’t have a problem with taking her in.”
“Hyzou…” Safia said.
“Go. Now. Take your supplies and a horse. Your sister needs you”, Hyzou said.
“Where will you go? Aren’t you coming?” Safia asked.
“I’ve to stay here and watch over the Temple of Thanatis. Make sure they don’t try anything. But you’ve to go, you’ve to leave before anyone knows Marrea is gone”, Hyzou said. “We’ll reunite in Uqing.”
Safia looked like she was about to speak, but instead she grabbed him and pulled him into a hug.
“Why would you do all this?” Safia whispered.
Hyzou just shook his head.
“Do you remember a long time ago, on that night I attacked you? I said I’d dealt with pain in my life and gotten over it. I said you were weak for not doing so?” Hyzou said.
“I remember”, Safia whispered.
Hyzou pulled out of the hug and looked Safia in the eyes.
“I was wrong. You’re the strong one. I’ve always been the one who’s weak”, Hyzou said.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“It’s all gone mad ou
t there. I can’t believe it, it hasn’t been this bad since the Anarchy.”
She spoke in a form of CaSuan that was close enough to the aristocratic variant that Hyzou could just understand what she said. She was small, heavy, and perhaps forty or fifty.
“I need to stay inside I think. It’s too dangerous”, Hyzou said.
“Methinks you’re right. I won’t step outside too much either. All this violence is bad for business, thank the gods you’re still taking this room. Guarantees me a bit of money”, the landlady said.
“Well I won’t be going anywhere for a while”, Hyzou said.
He pointed to his leg.
“Can I bring you lunch?” She asked.
Like most good landladies, she understood the importance of discretion. She hadn’t even mentioned Safia or Marrea to Hyzou, even though she must have noticed them arrive and then leave in a hurry. If the room was paid for, Hyzou could use it for what he wanted.
“I’m hungry”, Hyzou said.
“Good. I’ve cow’s tail stewing for a while now, I’ll put some roots and onions on now and have it up to you in about half an hour”, she said.
“And no yoghurt?” Hyzou asked.
“No. Why, would you like some?” She asked.
Hyzou laughed.
“No. I’ll be quite fine without the yoghurt, thank you”, Hyzou said.
She left him. Hyzou lay back on the old bed. The room was simple, just a bucket, a chair and a bed. There wasn’t much to do, and Hyzou would usually be worried about becoming bored. However, he felt that that may not be so large an issue in this instance.
He was exhausted. He felt it deep within his bones. They screamed at him, telling him that he’d taken too much punishment these last few days. That he couldn’t keep pushing himself beyond what he could feasibly do.
Sparrow had always told him that, when out and about in the world, if a Servant has started to rely solely on the recuperative powers of his Qi to keep him alive, then that Servant is in deep trouble. It’s easy, he’d say, to imagine you’re invulnerable. But a Servant, under it all, is still just human; as vulnerable as any common soldier.
Hyzou knew this and knew therefore that he needed to let his injuries heal. The biggest of these was his broken leg, of course, but he was wounded in other ways too. He’d taken a javelin to the chest and ripped the top layer off his skin. He’d broken his toes and collarbone and left himself concussed too.
He was patched up, but he knew that he couldn’t keep driving onwards. So, for the next while he’d rest in this house, before he went on to Uqing.
The landlady appeared at the door. She was carrying a bowl and a cup. The cup held beer, and the bowl had the cow’s tail and roots. Hyzou thanked her and she left him alone. Hyzou ate quickly and finished. He was tired and needed sleep, but there was one other thing to do first.
Hyzou got up off the bed and hopped over to his belongings. He rooted through the bags until, stitched into the lining of the smallest bag, Hyzou found what he was looking for. He tore apart the stitches and took out the tiny flask.
Hyzou returned to the bed and opened the flask. The strong smell of liquorice arose from inside. Hyzou placed his finger inside the flask submerging it in the liquid. Then he took his finger out and licked all the tiny droplets off it.
It didn’t take long for the ekstasis to go to his head. Hyzou tipped the flask to his lips and gulped one large swallow. He closed the flask quickly, before the fit came on.
Hyzou was in a pitch black room, total blackness in every direction. Hyzou extended his Qi towards Uqing. He flew past a million different souls with his Qi, and finally reached Uqing.
Given the importance the Servants placed upon ekstasis, and how it was the basis of their contact with a network of corps throughout Sira Su, there was always at least one Servant at any time who had taken ekstasis and was ready to receive messages.
“Who are you?”
This Servant spoke, and Hyzou didn’t see who he was. In fact, all he heard was a loud booming voice that sounded out amidst the darkness.
“Archaier Hyzou of Nuyin”, Hyzou said.
There was silence. Then the voice spoke again.
“Do you have a message to relay?” The Servant asked.
“I need to speak to Sparrow”, Hyzou said. “Find him.”
Silence greeted the pronouncement. Hyzou knew that a local child had a job as messenger for the ekstasis seekers, and that the child must have been sent to find Sparrow.
Hyzou waited, nothing but the sound of his own breath to keep him company in the darkness. Time passed, although in his own state it was hard for Hyzou to quite tell how quickly.
“Hello Hyzou.”
Sparrow was sitting in a chair. Nothing but Sparrow and the chair, all else was darkness.
“Master”, Hyzou said.
“You look like you’re in a bad place”, Sparrow said.
“I’m hurting pretty badly”, Hyzou said.
“And to think, I just sent you looking for rare flowers”, Sparrow said.
“The trail led all the way to CaSu”, Hyzou said.
“You went to CaSu? How long were you gone for?” Sparrow asked.
“It was urgent that I found them”, Hyzou said.
“And did you?” Sparrow said.
“No. The trail went cold. I’ll have to return to Uqing. But some other interesting things have happened while I’ve been here”, Hyzou said.
“Is that so?” Sparrow asked.
Hyzou nodded.
“The city’s descended into chaos. Would you believe that Kinzonzi, the King of Kings, has been assassinated?” Hyzou said.
Sparrow seemed genuinely surprised.
“Is that so?” Sparrow asked. “I really was not expecting to hear that. The Archai will want to know.”
Hyzou nodded.
“I sent Safia on ahead of me”, Hyzou said.
“You split with your pupil? Why would you do that?” Sparrow said. “You’re supposed to protect her.”
“She needed to reach Uqing, and I was wounded, it made sense”, Hyzou said. “She’s bringing a child with her. The child has a strong Qi too, I could sense it. Maybe she could find a place in Uqing?”
“All are welcome to Uqing, so long as they show willingness to swear their vows”, Sparrow said.
“Safia can look after herself anyway, gods keep safe anything that comes across her path while she heads home”, Hyzou said.
Sparrow’s face lit up.
“She found her Qi?” Sparrow said.
Hyzou nodded.
“I hope you savour this feeling, a pupil’s success reflects the teacher. That you managed to teach her where Aliya failed, well I’m proud of you Hyzou”, Sparrow said. “To instruct and mentor is the essence of the human condition.”
“She can become a Servant now?” Hyzou said.
“Once she passes the tests, yes”, Sparrow said.
Hyzou shook her head.
“No. She already passed her test. In front of me”, Hyzou said.
“We’ll just ask her to show some of the Archai that she can summon her Qi at will. It’s not an invasive test”, Sparrow said.
“One she’s already passed. In front of me, an Archaier”, Hyzou said.
“You know that to count she must prove herself in front of at least two Archaiers”, Sparrow said.
“That’s why you’ll state that she’s proved herself to you too”, Hyzou said.
Sparrow raised an eyebrow.
“And why would I do that?” Sparrow said.
“Because she is powerful. Enemies who had me beaten and near death, she had the power to dispatch with ease. Her Qi is phenomenal, and she’s clearly spent so much time learning in Uqing. She’s the best freerider I’ve ever seen, the best surgeon too. She’s a magician with a blade. She saved my leg”, Hyzou said.
“If she can use her Qi, she should be able to show me”, Sparrow said.
Hyzou shook his head again.
“What does that mean?” Sparrow said.
“She can’t own her envy, because she has no envy, at least not a consistent one. Her self was broken when she was a child, and she has no identity, at least as far as I understand it”, Hyzou said.
Sparrow frowned.
“But when she finds herself, somewhere amidst the storm, she can access her Qi. So as an Archaier, I feel very comfortable naming her a Servant. She should just be given a position in the diplomatic corps, or in recruitment. She’s amazing with children actually, recruitment would suit her perfectly”, Hyzou said.
Sparrow didn’t speak. He was still deep in thought.
“But more than that, I want you to back me up on this. Consider it doing a favour for me”, Hyzou said.
“Why do you want her to become a Servant? Why should that matter to you? So you can show how amazing a teacher you are to everyone else? Is this about your ego?” Sparrow asked.
“No. It’s because it’s what she wants, more than anything in life”, Hyzou said.
Sparrow smiled.
“Hyzou, you’re in love with her”, Sparrow said.
“So what if I am?” Hyzou said.
“I agree then, if the facts are as you presented them to me, there’s no reason that Safia could not be considered a Servant. You definitely saw her using her Qi?” Sparrow asked.
Hyzou nodded.
“Very well then, I shall confirm what you say. Tomorrow I’ll have her made a Servant, and when she arrives in Uqing she will already be a Servant. I’ll tell her then”, Sparrow said.
“Thank you”, Hyzou said.
“You know, I fell in love with a Servant once”, Sparrow said.
“Really?” Hyzou asked.
Hyzou had heard that Sparrow had a family, once, but in the three years training him Sparrow had never once brought them up.
“Yes. It will be eighty-seven years since I first met her this coming winter”, Sparrow said.
“Eighty-seven?” Hyzou asked.
Sparrow laughed.
“I’m old, what of it?” Sparrow said.
“Who was she?” Hyzou asked.
“I was a pupil at the time, she was five years my senior and already a Servant. By gods I miss her”, Sparrow said.