by Janna Watts
Libby howls. “Oh Toby. Going to college out of state? Really? That’s the best you’ve got? People do that all the time. And you’ve barely left the room since you got out of the hospital. You’re hardly pushing boundaries here. Even for Nebraska. And add to that, you’re a fricking business major. If that’s not firmly in your comfort zone, I don’t know what is.”
I open my mouth, but then snap it shut. The energy in the room has changed again. So fast. I feel like I’ve just been smacked upside the head.
Honor comes over to sit next to me. She rests her head on my shoulder and the comfort of it helps me breathe again. She shakes her head at Libby. “Not everyone has to take up all the space in the room to be outside of their comfort zone.”
Libby crosses her arms and glares daggers at us. “You all have no fucking idea.” Then she stomps out of the room, leaving a large clump of chocolate burning in the fondue pot.
Chapter Twenty-One
Honor
My whole body is tense and still and in shock. I wrap my arms around Toby from the side because she gut him in the worst possible way.
“I think you’re so brave, Toby. I would have gone home.”
He gives me a peck on the head. “Thanks.” Only his words are so low and mumbled that I feel like I need to do something else.
“I just…” My teeth are clenched in anger at what Libby just did to our friend. “I love her, but I…just…”
Toby’s hand touches my arm. “I know. It’s fine, Honor. Really.”
I want to tell him that Libby loves him in her own way, but after her words tonight, I don’t know what to think. This isn’t the Libby we love. This is… I’m not sure what.
“And her…” I gesture in front of me, but I can’t even say the words. “Her thing. Rocket. Who talks about stuff like that? No wonder Sawyer is freaked out about her. I can hardly blame him. I’m freaked out about her half the time.”
“And the other half?” Toby asks quietly.
“I’m…I’m different after knowing her, and in a good way. I really like Sawyer. Like, really like him. And I don’t know if I would have had the courage to move forward with him without her.” As I tell Toby this, I know it’s okay that I’m talking about my painter because Toby and I are friends. Nothing more. It’s not there, and that’s such a good thing and a wonderful relief that there’s really no weirdness between us. “And my mom. I swear Libby checks over all my emails, and it’s like my mom’s leaving me alone for the first time ever, and she feels like it’s her idea. That’s some kind of genius.”
“Why don’t you go back to your painter then?” Toby shifts down onto the bed.
“No.” I think about how much I’d like to finish off this afternoon and wonder if I’m making the right choice by staying here. “I’ve done the whole obsessive thing, and I don’t want to do that to him. Also, being around him is intense, and we might just…” I’m not sure how to put it into words.
“Too far too fast?” he asks.
I blush a little, thinking about how easily I could have gone all the way this afternoon. “Yeah.”
Toby’s got this adorable smile that says he knows something more than I’m letting on. “You remind me of my littlest sister.”
“Oh.” I flop to sitting on the mattress. “That’s nice.” Hopefully Toby’ll catch my sarcasm.
“No.” He adjusts his glasses a bit. “She’s a little unsure of herself, but in some ways I think she’ll end up being the toughest one in the house.”
“Well, that’s definitely not me.” I shake my head.
Toby stands up. “It might be.”
I’m not tough. Not like that.
“You heading back?” I ask.
“Yeah. I’m gonna crash. If I can’t sleep I might go look for her, but…” His face twitches and a million things flash behind his eyes.
But it’s dark out. And Libby’s out there, which means he’s worried, but he also doesn’t want to go out in it, and we both know nothing bad could happen to Libby—it just wouldn’t. He opens his mouth again like he might try to explain, but nothing comes out. I hate seeing him broken over this horrible thing that happened to him. It makes me even angrier at the things Libby said to him. She has to be smart enough to see that he’s falling for her and that she’s an idiot if she turns him away.
“Get your sleep. If we’re going to go running around in golf carts in the freezing weather, you’re going to want to get some rest first.” I give Toby a wave, and then I’m blissfully, wonderfully alone.
I send Sawyer a quick text telling him I miss him, and he replies back immediately with a row of X’s followed by all over your body, which makes me smile like a ridiculous kid with her first crush and I love it. I can’t wait for it to happen, imagine it happening, his lips on my skin, all over my skin, and wonder how I’m going to fall asleep with so much want flying through me.
Libby never came home, and I’m groggy I slept so hard because it’s been forever since I was alone. I forgot how much I love being alone—being an only child I got that a lot growing up. My body isn’t ready to be moving yet, but since I missed my morning workout I force myself to do a few sit-ups before getting out of bed.
There’s no one to disturb here, which is pretty amazing.
My hair’s a little dirty but fine, so I pull it into a ponytail and shove bobby pins into it until I think my bun will hold. When I slide my coat on and head for the door, I realize I didn’t look in the mirror once this morning and I’m strangely okay with that.
Suddenly the fact that Libby’s gone hits my chest, and I half panic. Where the hell did she go?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Toby
For the first part of the night I lie in bed feeling like an asshole for not going after Libby. For not even wanting to go after her. Every creak in the hall makes me perk up and listen for her, but I know she hasn’t come home yet. She’s loud even when she’s trying to be quiet.
By two o’clock, I pull on my coat and head out. Terror grips me, but I power through. There’s really only one place on campus she can be if she isn’t shacking up with someone else. Everyone knows Libby. She could be staying anywhere, but I have a feeling she isn’t. She’s licking her wounds and she doesn’t like to do that when other people are around. Plus, I can’t not do something. At least check the place she might go that isn’t a dorm room or lounge.
Two minutes after I walk into the library, I see her. Curled up asleep on a couch beneath a reading loft. There’s a stack of books open beside her, like she couldn’t settle on one and instead read parts of them all. Which would be just like Libby.
I slip in next to her and she stirs.
“Hey,” I say.
She blinks and rubs her eyes. “You came for me?”
“Wanted to make sure…”
She grins. “You’re a good friend. I didn’t think you’d come.”
This astounds me. Still. Now. After everything, she didn’t think I’d come.
“I’ll always be here for you, Libs.”
She pulls me next to her and rests her head on my chest. “I’m not worth it. I’m not sure what you’re doing with me. I’m flighty and moody. And I apparently take up all the space in the room.”
I hug my arm around her a little tighter. “She didn’t mean it that way and you know it.”
“She did. We’re losing her.”
I lean back and stare down at her. “We’re not. She’s coming tomorrow. She’s still your roommate. She’s just falling in love.”
Libby’s eyes flash. “I can’t believe she’d be so stupid. That way will only end in heartbreak for her.”
I laugh. “What? Falling in love? It’s what people do, Libby. And yeah, sometimes it ends up in heartbreak, but you know, sometimes it doesn’t.”
She shakes her head back and forth. “It always does. Look at me. In love with my two best friends and I know I’m going to end up broken-hearted. Because people leave me. I’m too much for everyo
ne. I have too much love and too much heart, and people suffocate and pull away. That’s what Honor’s doing. That’s what you’ll do.”
I tug her into my chest. “You think you know so much about me. I’m here at two o’clock in the morning. I’m not leaving.”
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” she says and suddenly it’s like the stoplight all over again. All the Libbyness has been leeched out of her.
“Are you dismissing me?”
She flinches at my question. “No. Stay here with me. Crash here. It’s warm and they won’t kick us out. And tomorrow it’ll all be different. And we can go on our golf ball hunt and I’ll be better and happy again. Please. Stay with me and hold me.”
I nod and slip behind her. She nestles onto my shoulder and I know it’s gonna hurt like hell in the morning, but I can’t move her. I can’t do anything beyond being exactly what she wants me to be in this moment.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Honor
When Libby comes home with Toby in tow, she acts like nothing’s weird, and like she didn’t just stomp out last night.
“So… What’s up?” I ask, waiting for one of them to offer something.
“Thought we’d snag some food and head out.” Libby’s brows wag like last night didn’t happen. Like of course we’re all going out just like we planned.
“But—”
A look from Toby silences me. “Please,” he mouths from behind Libby. “Go along.”
“Yeah. Let me get my winter stuff. I’m almost ready.” And I turn away to get my hat and gloves from the closet, and Libby digs through one of her boxes, and I guess with her arrival this morning, we’re all back to normal… Or supposed to be.
The moment we’re in the golf cart, searching for golf balls is forgotten. It took Libby two seconds to break the lock on the garage door and pull out a cart for us to share. I’m a bit suspicious in her deftness with bolt cutters—I didn’t even know they existed.
The sun is down, the grass is frosty, and the golf course is enormous and getting darker fast.
“Let’s see if we can catch some air over that hill!” Libby points.
Toby and I shout, “Go!”, throwing our arms in the air as she pushes her foot down.
“Hold those ribs, Toby!” she squeals as she hunches over the steering wheel.
He laughs. I’m giggling and laughing and let out a snort, which makes both Toby and Libby double over as we bounce across the fields. We speed toward the bump, and the whole cart shakes as it hits the far side.
“Okay!” Toby yells as he clutches his side. “Give!”
Libby slams on the brakes, sending me laughing to the floor of the cart, and Toby jumps out, still smiling, but wrapping his arms carefully over his right side.
“You okay Toby of the Night of Golf Cart Fun?” Libby cackles again, her face flushed with cold and excitement.
“Ribs,” he whispers, still smiling.
“You try the bump again without us.” I step out, wanting to see how badly Toby is hurt and thinking that he might not let on to Libby. He watches her more closely all the time, and I wonder if he’ll do anything about it. I can’t believe we almost didn’t come out here.
“Okay.” Libby hits the gas again, but we can still hear her yell as she swings in a wide arc. “Stay there and watch. We gotta get this baby’s wheels off the ground at least once before it’s a real night, okay?”
We both holler after her, even though Toby winces a little as he lets loose.
“You okay, Toby?” I rest a hand on his shoulder.
“Just sore. Needed a break.” His smile is fading as his eyes scan behind me, but there’s not a lot to see, just a few scattered lights from the houses so far away they probably can’t even hear us out here. I begin to realize how dark it is, and how alone we are. A shiver runs through me and I grasp my arms more tightly.
“They came out of nowhere,” Toby whispers. “I was just walking, and then I sort of saw a car, and the next thing that happened was someone hit me harder than I’ve ever been hit before.”
My heart aches at how his voice cracks, and I slide my arms around him, pulling us together. “I’m so sorry, Toby. It should have never happened.”
He sniffs a few times and holds me, the warmth of us mixing, relaxing me, and changing the kind of nervous energy I’ve built up since they picked me up.
The sound of something cracking or crashing breaks us apart.
“What the hell was that?” I spin around, trying to pick out the small headlights of the golf cart.
“There!” Toby points and takes off in a sprint.
And I may have been running for the past few weeks, but there’s no way I’m going to catch Toby, and it hits me that he’s running so hard, even though he’s hurt, he might be way past falling for her. He might already be in love.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Toby
My heart races, and the pain in my ribs slices into me in a way it hasn’t since just after the accident. I panic, wondering if Libby saw Honor hug me and got the wrong idea, and I’m berating myself for not keeping my eyes on the cart.
As I reach the top of the small rise where I thought I saw lights, her cart comes into view, half submerged on the edge of the partially frozen pond.
Holy shit.
“Libby!” I scream.
“Here.” She waves both her hands in the air as she stands on the seat of the cart. “That was so amazing!”
I pause at the edge of the pond. Her cart didn’t stop at the edge, she made it out about twenty feet before breaking through.
“I saw the pond, and I couldn’t resist. I’ve never driven one of these on ice.” Her eyes still have the wild excitement that’s normally contagious, but right now all I can think is that I’m not sure how to get her back to shore.
Honor stops next to me and points toward the clubhouse.
My gut sinks. Police lights.
“I’m coming,” Libby sings as she steps off the seat, which is about two inches above the icy water, and onto the ice.
“Walk slow and careful, but get over here. Now.” I step to the edge, heart pounding and breath clouding around me in the cold air. She cannot fall. I cannot let her fall.
“Are you worried about me, Toby?” She stops to bat her lashes, just out of my reach.
”Libby, dammit. The cops are here. And you might fall through.” This is ridiculous.
Libby bats her eyes again. “You’d rescue me, wouldn’t you?”
I would. I’d stand in the freezing water to save her if I had to, but I’m really hoping that I don’t. I slide out a step farther and grasp her arm, just as the ice behind the cart cracks, and I scramble backwards, as it breaks beneath us, and I pull on Libby, but she’s suddenly in up to her waist.
“Holy shit, this is cold!” she squeals.
“Help me get you out of there.” I pull on her arms again, and then she starts moving toward me as we creep the few feet back to the shore.
“We’re in so much trouble,” Honor breathes out.
I glance back up at the cop car just as the speaker turns on. “It won’t take me long to find you, but if you make me follow your tracks through the grass to do it, I’ll be in a much worse mood than if you come this way.”
“Huh.” Libby giggles as she shivers against my side. “At least the guy arresting us has a sense of humor.”
I’m still in shock that I’m in the back of a police car. Libby’s shivering against my side, grinning.
“Seriously, you have to get arrested at least once in college, and now we can cross it off our list,” she chatters.
It’s almost worth it the way she’s latched on to me.
“Or you could not break the law and not get arrested.” Our cop smirks.
Honor ended up in the front seat. He claims it’s because she’s not wet, and Libby and I are, but he looked at her a little too closely for me to buy that.
Honor is silent and staring out the window.
We’re separated at the police station and words like ‘criminal mischief’, and ‘breaking and entering’, and ‘felony theft’, and ‘restitution’ are tossed around. All I can think about is Libby and if someone’s getting her warmed up and Honor and how sensitive she is and how impossibly shitty this must be to her. I can’t take in a deep breath when I think about being without these two girls, despite the crazy shit storm that is this night.
When I’m finally released, I run into the waiting room and relief fills me as I see Honor, and then I freeze when I see she’s talking to the painter.
“I just need space,” he says quietly. “I like you too much and I’m falling too fast to do this when I don’t think you know what you want. I’m sorry.”
He backs away and Honor looks like she’s breaking apart, but she doesn’t say anything because I can see that she’s frozen up again. I want so hard to go to her, but Libby slams into my side. “I got us a ride to go pick up Honor’s car. Ready?”
“How the hell do you have any energy left?” All I can think about is my own bed in my own room across the hall, and maybe asking Honor what just happened, but I’m not sure if I want to know or not. Because I don’t want her to hurt, but I also don’t think I can spare the energy to worry about her.
Honor doesn’t move from her chair, just stares out the window. I wish she could get outside of herself enough to fight for what she wants, because it’s more than obvious she wants her painter, and right now the guy probably needs a hell of a lot of space as much as he needs her to refuse to give it to him, which she won’t.