by Janna Watts
“Are you that interested in her? Like seriously?” she asks and my cheeks warm even more.
“She needs help, Honor,” I say, which isn’t an answer but it’s the best I’ve got right now.
Honor nods. “You don’t have to move in. I’ll take care of her.”
And just like that, I know that the three of us won’t make it through the year. There’s too much history now. And too much uncertainty and without Libby being Libby, the gulf between Honor and me is far too big.
When we get back to the dorm, I find Libby asleep in my bed. I move closer to her and put my hand on her face. She blinks.
“Hey, I was waiting for you.”
I grin. “I figured. You’re in my room.”
She nods. “Yeah.”
I ease down next to her. She seems so small right now. The complete opposite of when I met her and she filled the room.
“So what’s up?”
“I wanted to say thank you,” she says and shimmies closer to me. “For this morning. For everything.”
I nod.
She lifts herself up on her elbows and stretches like a cat. Her shirt rides up a little and I can’t stop myself from looking. Even now.
She slides up and crosses her leg over mine. “I’m going to kiss you, okay?”
Yes. Wait, no. Suddenly the room is too hot. And I’m not sure what’s going on. “Why?” I search her face and it’s like she’s trying so hard to focus, but all I see is the distracted and hollow girl of the last few weeks.
“Because you’re staying. And you want to help me. And you’re staying. And I don’t know any other way to say thank you.”
I shake my head. “That’s not the kind of kiss I want from you, Libby,” I choke out. I’ve said it. It’s out there and I see something so real and intense cross her face that for a second, I actually do think we might kiss and it’ll be the real thing. But then she looks away.
“I can’t give you what you want. I wish that I could. But it’s so loaded and I’m so me and if we go down that road, it’s gonna hurt so much more when you leave me.”
“Why?”
She slides her leg off of mine and stands up. “Because I’m fucking in love with you, you stupid asshole. And getting involved with you will wreck me and I don’t see myself coming back from that.”
“I won’t hurt you,” I whisper.
“Of course you will,” she says, and the silence creeps between us until I almost can’t breathe. Then suddenly, a different mask drops onto her face and I’ve lost her again.
“I think we should go out,” she chirps like the past five minutes didn’t just happen.
“O-kay, I’ll get Honor.”
“Nope. Not Honor. She’s got shit to figure out. Just us. Come on. Let’s go. Blue Light House party.”
I groan because it is completely the last thing I want to do right now for so many reasons, but I follow her anyway. I won’t leave her alone.
She interlaces our fingers and doesn’t even bother stopping in her room to tell Honor where we’re headed. Everything between us is weird and if I’m being totally honest, confusing because I’m not sure if I’m getting closer to what I want or farther away from it. But part of me clings to the hope that maybe Libby is going to be okay, and maybe I can actually help her.
“Do you know what I think?” she says when we’re half way across campus. “I think we found each other at the right time.”
“What do you mean?”
She brushes a piece of hair off my forehead and smiles at me. “Well, I think you needed me as much as I needed you. You were just as lost as I was. I saw you that first day. And it was like in that minute, I knew everything about you and understood that you had a hole to fill too.”
“Huh. And what about Honor?”
She raises her shoulder. “Yeah. She was lost too, but Honor would’ve found her way without me. Eventually. She would have figured out who she was and what she was about. It might’ve taken her longer, but she would’ve gotten there.”
“And I wouldn’t have?”
“No, Toby. You’re not that kind of guy. You would’ve stayed lost. Shy. Just under the radar. And you wouldn’t have let anyone see how spectacular you are. How much you have to offer. And you would’ve always been the safe guy who doesn’t push past that safety.”
“Huh. Well, thanks, I guess.”
Libby laughs. “It is a compliment.”
“So you made my spectacular come out?”
She nods and holds on tighter to my hand. “Yes. It comes out for me. Like it’s this gift you’ve given me. And Honor too. But you’re so careful with it. No one else knows. How come you don’t show that part of you to anyone else?”
“I think you’re making me more than I actually am.”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m not. You have this beautiful heart. Under all the other sides of you. That’s why it was horrible when you were attacked. Because you are the last person who should ever feel hate like that.”
I don’t know what to say. It almost feels like too much. Like Libby has launched me on a pedestal that I can’t possibly do anything but topple from. And everything I say will just get me that much closer to falling.
“You’re spectacular too, Libs.”
She waves her hand. “No. I’m not. Underneath me, there’s just broken. Nothing good. Just pieces that will never fit together.”
“That’s not true.”
We’re close enough to the house that she ignores me now. She bolts inside and I hear everyone scream her name like they haven’t seen her in weeks. And maybe they haven’t. With all the sleeping and staying in, I doubt anyone has even seen her in class. Which worries me. A lot.
By the time I trail her inside, she’s sandwiched on the dance floor between two very drunk guys. She grins and raises her hand to me, but I’m not sure what she expects. One second she offers to kiss me and calls me spectacular, and the next she’s completely ditched me.
I move to the keg and see a girl from my business class talking animatedly to another girl. Before I can duck out of the kitchen, she catches my eye and waves me over.
“Toby,” she beams. “I didn’t think I’d see you here.”
She knows my name. I blink. I’ve done a study group with her and I can’t think what her name is. Something with an E. That’s all I can remember. I’m an asshole.
“Elise,” she says, and I’m so grateful for the out that I give her a huge smile that makes her blush. “I didn’t take you for a Blue Light House kind of guy.”
I shrug because under any other circumstance, I wouldn’t be here. “I brought a friend.”
“Oh yeah. Who?” She’s fishing. I know girl-fishing, although I’m usually not the one they’re fishing about. She wants to know if I’m available. And I know that now would be a good time to let her down gently.
“A friend,” I say. And that’s all I’ll give her because that’s all I have. I have two friends who are girls. One of whom I won’t let myself think of as anything else because my heart has already sustained enough blows. And maybe so has hers.
“Yeah.” Elsie takes a step closer. I inch back. I can’t get into something with her. I’m too confused by what Libby just said to me.
“There you are.” Libby’s voice behind me. Then her hand on my back, sliding down until she reaches my ass and leaves it there.
Elsie steps back. I gape at Libby. What the hell is she doing? Less than twenty minutes ago she told me she couldn’t kiss me how I wanted to be kissed.
“Okay, well, it was good to see you. I’ll see you in class,” Elsie stammers. I don’t even say goodbye. I’m staring at Libby who is grinning so wide I feel like her face may crack.
“Let’s bail. This party sucks,” she says and then I watch her purple-hair bounce out of the room.
Chapter Thirty-One
Honor
Libby’s been gone for hours, and I’m pretty sure her and Toby are out. I heard “Blue Light House”
and “come on”, and figure I have time to do some digging. Something’s going on with her that I’m just not seeing. I shouldn’t care. I go from aching over not knowing what to do to make her not “tired” anymore, to aching over losing a life outside of our circle that I really want.
The thing is. I know nothing about Libby, and even if all I had to do was call her mom, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. What state to look in. If their last name is the same. Nothing. That wasn’t on my dorm room assignment paper. As I slide open her side of the closet, I already know that I’m going to invade her space like a friend should never do.
As neat and tidy as my side is, hers isn’t. She’ll never know I dug through her stuff. Clothes are shoved into the shelves, and piled on top of the bags she brought with her when she came. It’s a ridiculous, juvenile disaster.
And I start to think about the mess she’s put us all in this year and how completely unfair it is that I should feel guilty when we don’t do things like invite Toby to sleep in our bed. Or don’t go to the library just after I’ve lost Sawyer and she drops a bomb like her dad committed suicide. I jerk some of her clothes out onto the floor, looking for any clue as to who she is or where she came from.
And Sawyer. Libby doesn’t know Sawyer at all, and yet has no problems telling me that he’s trying to control me, or coming to his apartment to drag me off to get arrested. Even though she pushed me toward him in the first place. Anger begins to boil up inside me as I start jerking open zippers on bags, finding nothing but old candy wrappers, hair ties, and her discarded “pocket rocket.”
Thinking about Sawyer makes it hard to breathe and I’m pissed that I’m still in this damn stupid situation, and who would want the mess that I’ve gotten myself into. I can’t even blame the guy for wanting to protect himself. If he had a crazy roommate and slept with a girl sandwiched between him and his friend, I couldn’t handle it either because it’s insane.
I’m breathing hard when I finally get to the bottom of the closet. There’s a huge pile of Libby’s stuff behind me now, and I’m actually scared of how she’ll react. She can’t get out of bed all day and then does crazy crap like drag poor Toby to another party at Blue Light House. And then I think about Sawyer and how long my heart has hurt over that whole mess, and don’t care what Libby thinks anymore.
When I jerk out the black duffle at the bottom there’s a small rattling sound and I rip open the zipper to find a small cardboard box. Now that the reality of my situation is sinking in, I go over the list of what’s about to go wrong here:
Crazy roommate.
Soon to be pissed roommate over me going through her stuff.
This small box, which suddenly feels like the most important thing in the room.
I unfold the top of the box to see four bottles of pills. What the hell? How does she take these when they’re at the bottom of her closet?
What if she’s not taking something she’s supposed to?
Risperidone Microspheres.
There’s her name and the name of the pharmacy. The bottle shows 9/1 – 9/30.
I drop it and grab the next one. 10/1 – 10/30
I know what the other two are without looking. November and December. I clutch my stomach, wondering what they’re for. Why does she take these? Or maybe the better question is why isn’t she taking these? And what are they for?
The closet is nearly empty, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to get Libby’s stuff back in before she comes home. That’s not even important right now. What’s important is that I figure out why the hell she’s supposed to be taking the things.
I slide my laptop out of its case and lean against the closet door, typing in the medication for Google to figure out for me.
The same word is in the short description of every hit.
Anti-psychotic. Used often for people with bi-polar disorder.
Holy. Shit.
I scan through the results of bi-polar disorder and Libby gets a big fat check mark next to nearly everything.
This is crazy, my heart’s still trying to recover when I hear Libby’s happy laugh travel through the hall. Guess she’s not “tired” anymore.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I grab her stuff and start to shove, but when her key hits the lock, it just doesn’t matter that her crap is all over the room because I have just as much of a reason to be pissed as she does.
Toby’s laughing and Libby’s laughing and she’s half dancing in his arms until our eyes meet and she halts as she processes the mess between us.
“What the fuck are you doing?” she screams.
It all whirls through me. How I’ve been dragged around and how my life doesn’t feel like my own, and how poor, sweet Toby got pulled into this sick mess that didn’t have to be. And now he’s in love with a girl who’s too much of a hot mess to appreciate him and how I’m in love with a guy who needs space from me because of my crazy roommate.
“What the hell are you doing?” I demand as I stand.
“My stuff!”
“Yeah. Your stuff,” I yell before snatching the pill bottles from next to my computer. “Like this stuff.” I throw it at her with everything I have. “Or this stuff!” I hurl the next one.
She tries to block, but it smacks her in the face before dropping to the floor. I have better aim than I thought. Or maybe I’m just that angry.
“Honor,” Toby barks, but I don’t even slow down.
“How could you do this to me? We’re supposed to be friends! This is shit I should know!” I hurl another bottle, the only one left in my hand. “You’ve put me through emotional hell, and for what? So you don’t have to take a damn pill every day?”
“It’s a simple rule, Honor!” She’s still yelling, but her voice has dropped in anger. “Don’t mess with my stuff!”
“I lost Sawyer because of you! I’m scared to tell you about modeling. Toby didn’t need to be dragged into this. Why aren’t you taking your damn pills?”
“Honor, please.” Toby steps between us. “Please stop.”
“I’m not stopping.” Libby leans forward, anger and hatred seething as she breathes and stares.
The exhaustion of feeling so much makes me suddenly weak. “Why am I even trying when you’re so clearly not?”
“You don’t know shit, Honor. You don’t know anything.” Libby spins on her heel and jerks open the door.
Toby grabs her arm, holding her in the room. “Libby, please. Come in. Let’s talk. I wanna talk. I—”
Libby’s jaw is set.
“I don’t want to talk,” I say as I fold my arms. I’ve hurt so bad for too long, and all I want to do right now is hurt her back. It’s mean and awful and horrible, but all the things from all year are crashing in on me, and I’m so pissed that I’ve had to be part of her schemes that I had to lose Sawyer and get arrested and wonder if I was going to sleep on a bunk bed, on the floor, on a mattress on a floor, by myself, with three people…
“Go away! “ Libby yells as she tries to jerk away from Toby. “We all fucking know I’m not the one you want!”
“What are you talking about?” Toby asks, but he makes the fatal mistake of glancing my way.
Libby’s eyes flash toward me before she shoves her way out of the room.
“I don’t…” Toby glances frantically between me and where Libby disappeared.
“She’s bi-polar, Toby, and she’s not taking her medication.”
He runs from the room, and all I can hear is Libby screaming that she needs to be left alone and he needs to leave her alone and everyone needs to leave her alone.
Exhaustion doesn’t even come close to touching what I feel right now.
A few moments later, he takes a step in, leaving our dorm room door wide open and kneels on the edge of the mattress.
“I found her meds. She’s not taking them. She has four months worth and they’re all still there.” My body’s weak to the point of quaking a bit after everything I’ve learned.
Toby t
urns and picks one of the small bottles off the floor.
“We need to tell her mom.” He rubs his face as tears stream down. Toby looks older and more tired than I’ve ever seen him.
I slump down deeper into the mattress. “Do you even know where she’s from? I have no idea how to even begin.”
“So, the school maybe?” I can tell he’s trying to stay focused but has no idea how.
I shrug.
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
“We gotta go find her.”
“Toby. It’s late.” And dark, but I leave it hanging out there.
He swallows once. “We’ll be okay.”
I don’t know how any of this is okay, but I’ll let him hang on to his words for a while longer.
“I’m staying here, Toby. I’ll wait and see if she comes back.”
And he’ll go because there’s no other choice for him right now. He wraps his arms around me in a desperate hug before letting go. “She can’t be far.”
Knowing Libby, she could be miles. “I’ll walk campus with you but someone needs to dig through her stuff, find her mom, be here if she comes back.”
“We have a plan then.” His smile is thin as he pulls open the door and I follow him into the dark.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Toby
We went to the library first, but Libby doesn’t actually want to be found this time, so I wasn’t surprised she wasn’t there. I want to stay on the well-lit paths, but part of me knows that isn’t where Libby is.
“What happened?” Honor asks as we continue wandering around campus. “When you went to the party, I mean. How was she?” Honor’s not looking anywhere near me, maybe not wanting to hear the honest answer and see whatever hurt is still on my face from Libby needing away from me.
“All over the place. Part Libby-Libby like we know her, and part distracted Libby like she’s been the past few weeks. I don’t know. She’s off-kilter and I get it now.”
Honor’s hand stops me. “Do you, Toby? Do you really get it? Are you really ready to take her on?”