I took Deandra to the kitchen to grab us a bottle of water and some snacks. Then we head upstairs to my room. I didn’t hear any sound coming from any of the other rooms so I knew Mom must’ve been out. She always seemed to be gone when I was home. I really hoped
everything was okay.
“Okay Logan, are you going to fill me in on your little secret?”
Alright. I was ready. I took a deep breath and unleashed everything, and I mean everything. I told Deandra about how my dad would beat me until the darkness took hold of me. I told her about the time when I was twelve and ended up in the hospital. I told her how we were always on the run and was never able to make lasting friends. I told her how I still had nightmares that he would come back for us and never stop coming after us until we were dead. I told her that I was worried about what he might do to her if she was around when he showed up. I told her everything! The dreams I had every night, the fear that I was going to be just like him. I told her my biggest secret of all: that I had the darkness inside of me, the raw power I felt coursing through me, and how when I’m angry it’s like a panther trying to claw its way to the surface. Deandra didn’t bat an eye. She took it all in, and there were a few moments before she responded. I thought I may have freaked her out by saying too much.
“The first thing I’m going to tell you is this. Logan you are not your father and you will never become him. For one, you have the biggest heart and even though you hide it from everyone else you can’t hide it from me. Second, don’t worry about me. If he comes while I’m here and tries to do something stupid, I know you won’t let anything happen to me, just like I won’t let anything happen to you. Last, all of this is going to make you a better person. It will make you the best friend to anyone you deem worthy of getting over the wall you locked yourself in, but It’s also going to make you a force to be reckoned with. Your determination and passion are going to make you an amazing boyfriend, husband, and father one day.”
That wasn’t what I was expecting to come out of her mouth, and it made me feel glad that I was trusting my secrets to her. She was right; we were going to be great friends. I thanked the universe once again for bringing Deandra to me when they did. I don’t think I could have continued to fight the darkness that was growing inside of me without her.
Probably makes me sound like a chick, but I don’t care.
“Thank you D. Okay, so enough with the serious talk. How do you like it here so far?”
She launched into telling me everything, right down to the rumors that were circulating through the student body about us. I’ll never understand how the minds of girls work. We ended up
watching some TV, and then Deandra got ready to head out. I walked her out and watched her walk down the street. She only lived a few houses down, and I wanted to make sure nothing happened to her.
My mom finally made an appearance, and she didn’t look good. There was something strange about the way she was acting. She would jump at any little sound, she looked like she had lost a lot of weight, and she had black circles around her eyes. She used to wear these pretty sundresses all the time, but now she wouldn’t wear anything other than long sleeves and jeans. I tried talking to her, but she wouldn’t even look at me. It’s like I was reminding her of something that she hates. I knew I was starting to finally grow into my body, I mean puberty and all, but it was more than that. I’ve caught myself a few times staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was looking more and more like him. Maybe that was why she couldn’t look at me. I looked like the person who destroyed our life. I gave up on trying to talk to her and just went on acting like nothing was different. More lies, more secrets, more questions with no answers.
The rest of our junior year in high school flew by, and all of a sudden it was summer. School had become more tolerable since Deandra came into the picture; she actually made me get out of the house every weekend. We weren’t part of the popular crowd, but we managed to get drafted into this group of kids that lived around us. They were the
emo/skater-type people.
I was planning on getting a summer job just to have extra cash and be able to help mom if she needed it, but I never got around to applying for any. D spent a lot of time with the group we hung out with at school. I kind of thought she might have been into one of the chicks that were in the group. I hung out with them every once in a while, but it wasn’t really my thing. They all liked to party and hook up, and that wasn’t me. That’s surprising, right? I couldn’t care less about the things most teenage boys were interested in. I fully intended on staying away from the opposite sex. I didn’t want to fall into the kind of love that most teenagers had. It’s just a way to set yourself up for failure.
It was the last week of summer vacation, and I was over at one of the guys’ house, and he planned for us all to meet up at some indoor mini golf place that night. It was supposed to be really cool since all of it was decked out in black lights, so I agreed to go. I couldn’t
remember a time I went out on a Friday night. That’s what decided it for me, well that and Deandra begging me to go with them. She had a date with some chick from school that she met through one of the guys in the group and said she needed her ‘wingman’. I don’t know why because I never dated anyone, so I had no idea how I could help her.
We walked to the mini golf place because none of us had a car. After waiting outside for the rest of the group to show up, I noticed D’s date had another girl with her. The girl was hot! She was wearing faded blue jeans with holes in them and this super tight black tank top that hugged her breasts like an extra layer of skin. She had creamy white skin, red kissable lips, and blue-grey eyes that reminded me of a cloudy sky.
“Earth to Logan! You may want to pick up your jaw off the floor and wipe the drool of your chin,” Deandra managed to whisper to me in between her giggles.
“Who is that D?”
“Um I think that’s Elise. She’s Jaime’s twin.”
Twin? Wait. I didn’t know Jaime had a twin, and once D said that, I noticed the other girl next to her. They definitely weren’t identical because Jaime didn’t look anything like Elise. Jaime was a tomboy; Elise looked a lot more girly. Jaime was wearing some black dickey pants and a purple shirt that showed her shape but wasn’t skin tight. She had short black hair that she spiked out and green eyes. She looked absolutely nothing like Elise.
Jaime walked up to D to give her a hug and turned to face me and her sister.
“So Logan, this is Elise. Elise, this is Logan.”
I turned to look at D with a look that said, “What the hell is going on” because I totally felt like I was set up all of a sudden. D just smiled and looked away. Yup, I was totally being set up!
“Hi Logan. From the look your giving Deandra, I’m assuming you didn’t know about this either?”
She gestured with her hands
between the two of us.
“Well, no I didn’t, but I should have guessed this was going to happen.” I laugh, “Hey, let’s get inside so we can kick their butts at mini golf for setting us up. What do you say?”
“Let’s do it. You girls are going down!”
Laughing we made our way to the counter to pay, and then we hit the course. We killed Jaime and Deandra. I was surprised to see that I actually got along well with Elise. My guard stayed up, but not as high as it usually does. I was able to be myself without explaining my past. Jaime asked me if I could give her and D some time alone. I agreed partly because I knew D would want the same thing, but I also wanted to spend some time alone with Elise.
We said our goodbyes and walked in different directions. I had a hundred different thoughts running through my head, and I knew I needed to say
something to Elise. We had gotten along all night, and I could see myself liking her, but I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I didn’t want the complications that come with it. I didn’t want to tell her about my past and involve her in my messed up life. My dad was winning again
. It’s one thing to tell D about what was going on, but I couldn’t do that to Elise. I started to put my guard up higher and ended up taking her home. We talked the entire time, and when we reached her door, she leaned in and gave me my first kiss.
Maybe hanging out with D made me go soft, but this just didn’t feel right. She walked inside, and I walked home to find D on my porch waiting for me. She had been crying. My first thought was that something went wrong with Jaime. I completely forgot about my kiss and asked D what was wrong. Her answer was the worst possible news I could have gotten.
“Logan, I’m moving again,” she said in between sobs.
“What do you mean you’re
moving?”
“My mom was cheating on my dad, so he kicked her out. She wants me to move with her.”
“Don’t! Tell your dad that you want to stay here with him.”
“I tried. He said I should go with her to keep an eye on her.”
I couldn’t believe it. This is why I never got close to people. They would always leave me.
“This sucks beyond anything, you know that? I wish there was something I can do to convince him to let you stay.”
“Just promise that no matter where I move, we will stay in touch. Promise me Logan.”
“I promise D.”
We hugged, and I walked her home so she wouldn’t have to face it all over again by herself. I felt the beast clawing its way to the surface, and I stiffened up. Deandra must have felt the change because she stopped to turn and look at me.
“Logan take a deep breath. Good. Now release it. It’s going to be ok. You are not alone. You have Elise now, and Jaime said she would keep an eye on you. You have our whole group. It’s not going to go back to the way it was last year.”
Deandra didn’t understand that the whole reason I hung out with our group was to be around her. It had been a year since I started to feel alive, one year of D being in my life every day. I had been ignoring the signs that something was definitely wrong with my mom. I would have to face everything that I had been avoiding. It was all going to crash down around me.
“Elise kissed me.”
“What? Why didn’t you say anything before now?”
“Well after you told me you are being forced to move, kissing seemed less important. What’s the big deal anyways?”
“It’s a huge deal! It was your first kiss. Be a total girl about it and tell me how it was.”
“Ugh, a total girl D? You do realize you wound my masculinity all the time, right?”
I was enjoying laughing with her so much. I was going to miss this. D was the only person I could be myself with
completely. How was I going to go back to who I was? I didn’t want that.
“Yeah yeah. Get to the kiss.”
“Well it was just a kiss, but it felt totally wrong. It felt like I was cheating on someone, and that makes no sense whatsoever considering I’m not dating anyone.”
“Well maybe it’s just your mind’s way of telling you that she’s not the one.”
“Come on D. We’re seventeen and still in high school. The chances of me finding ‘the one’ are slim to none.”
“I don’t know about that, but kiss girls and make mistakes. Live life Logan. Don’t go back to how you used to be. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, then do it for me. I’ll expect a report of your conquests every time I call!”
“Okay. Take care of yourself Deandra. I’m going to miss your ugly face.”
“Me too Logan. I’m going to miss you so much that it’s ridiculous.”
I gave her a hug and a kiss on the head. I turned around and walked away from the new life I had and into the old one I was all too familiar with, but something was different. I could feel it pulsing underneath my skin. It was held back by Deandra’s presence, but it had come back full force. It’s begging to be released.
Chapter 7
April After the shock had worn off, Mom agreed we needed to leave, and so we did. It took us a little while, but we finally made it out of that house. I graduated, started college, and began working full time again. My brother understood why we left, but he decided to stay with my grandparents. He got into some trouble and ended up in a rehab facility.
Anthony got really lucky that his probation officer had him sent to there; he really should have gone to jail. He was on probation for a charge that I couldn’t remember exactly what he did, but it wasn’t a joke. He got randomly drug tested and came up positive, but his probation officer was nice and recommended rehab. His best friend Jay and I got close, really close. We worked together at the waterpark and then started hanging out outside of work. I started developing this crush on him, and well apparently he felt the same. We were always together. We never became an official couple though.
I never thought I had a type, but what girl doesn’t like the potential bad boy? Jay wasn’t necessarily the bad boy, but the image he tried to portray screamed it. He was the wannabe gangster that you always expected to come across in our neighborhood. He was Mexican. Jay had medium brown skin, brown eyes, and black hair. He was about an inch or two taller than me and had a stocky build. I wouldn’t say he was fat because that’s rude, but he was “fluffy”. That’s one of the things I liked about him though; I didn’t feel my insecurities surface as much when I was around him. Maybe it’s because we had known each other for so long, and our
appearances didn’t matter to one another. Maybe it’s because we saw something in each other that we couldn’t see in ourselves. Those eyes he had always got me. There was something about them that just spoke to me. It was like he saw me.
My family is big on birthdays, and it was Jay’s birthday. I took him out to eat and to the movies. Then we went back to his place. I always said I was going to wait until marriage to have sex, but I gave ‘it’ up to him. Everything in my life was always drastically changing, and nothing felt permanent, so waiting just didn’t seem like a good idea anymore. In a way it brought us closer, at least I thought it did.
Its been two months since the biggest chance of my life, and a few days before my brother was to be released, Jay asked me to come over to have a talk.
“What’s up Jay?”
“So I’ve been thinking.”
Right then, I knew he was going to say
something I didn’t like, so I put my big girl panties and my poker face on. “Oh yeah? What about?” “I think we should just be friends. Before you get mad and start yelling, hear me out.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? What do you mean, okay? You’re too calm to be okay.”
“Jay just say what you want to say, so I can get home. I have an eight o’clock class and work tomorrow.”
“Umm… so I think we should just be friends. I mean you’re great, but you’re in college and I’m still in high school.”
Translation: Your brother gets out of rehab in a couple of days and I don’t want him to kick my ass.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah Jay, okay. I don’t know why you got the idea that we were more than friends. I mean we had sex, but that’s it. It’s seriously not a big deal.”
I turned to walk away. My heart was literally breaking, and I was on the verge of tears. I had to leave because I couldn’t let him see that.
“April, wait.”
Damn it. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? What could he possibly say now?
“Yeah?”
“Is it going to be awkward with Anthony? I know he’s your brother, and ya’ll are close. We’re going to see each other a lot since you’re the one with the car.”
“It’s fine. Things will be like they’ve always been, minus the sex we have been having recently.”
I walked out before he could say anything else. Talk about feeling used. It seemed like I saw Jay more after my brother got out, than when we were together, and it got old quickly.
One night, my brother wanted me to pick up Jay and his friend Randy,
so we did. Feeling outnumbered by guys, I also picked up my friend Angelica. After driving around, the boys got this stupid idea to go egging. Don’t ever go egging; it’s totally not worth it. My brother hit a car, and the car flipped around to chase us. Adrenaline was pumping as I cut down a street in the middle of a neighborhood I didn’t know. I cut the lights.
“What are you doing? It’s too dark down here for no lights.”
“Chill Anthony. If they can’t see our lights, they can’t find us.”
Boy, was I wrong. Next thing I knew, there was a fist coming at my window. Apparently I ran a stop sign and hit another car. I was trapped in my car until Jay pulled me out from the back seat. For such a smart girl, I seemed to be making monumental mistakes. I was taken to the hospital because of the severe burns on my neck and right arm. X-rays were also being taken of my knee. I finally got sent home with a concussion and ugly burns. Butterfly was totaled. My freedom was boxed up and shipped to the junk yard.
Not too long after that, my brother and Jay stopped hanging out so much. I never knew what happened between them, but I always figured my brother knew what happened between Jay and me. I felt bad at first, thinking maybe I broke up their friendship up, but I like to think it was too hard on Jay to be around me because he still had feelings for me that hecouldn’t act on anymore. Ignorance is bliss. With everything that’s been going on, it seems like time speeds up. It felt like school just started and now its ending.
It was summer again, and Jay didn’t come back to work at the waterpark, thank god, but a new guy came into play. Brian. He was a lifeguard with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. We started hanging out a lot. He went bowling with my mom and me, he even brought his mom sometimes. We would go to movies together. We basically did anything and everything together. He became my best friend, and I started falling for him very quickly. It’s funny how life works. I believe in fate, and I think it was fate that brought him into my life. Have you ever sat down and allowed your mind to roam free? I’ve learned that if I do that, I’m not always so angry and sad. After meeting Brian and loving him so much, I started believing in the idea of soul mates. I know that sounds stupid, but when we met, I totally believed he was the one I was supposed to be with, so I did anything and everything to always be around him. Including sitting for hours on end watching him play poker with a group of friends.
Entrelacen Page 5