by Brey Willows
Asol laughed. “It’s not like I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. Kylin could teach me to be a scrounger, and she can teach me to build things. There’s always work down by the river, getting stuff off the barges, but that feels a little too much like what I left behind.” She shrugged and stretched. “I’ll figure it out.”
“I know you will.” It had been four days since the funeral, and Jessa wasn’t sure if it was time to suggest to Kylin that they return to her home. Would being surrounded by her father’s things be too much? She couldn’t help but feel that Kylin should be in her own space, grieving her way. Asol had been staying at the house and said there was all kinds of food and such being dropped off daily. Auntie Blue looked like the wind had whipped through her, too, leaving her deflated.
They both looked up when Kylin shuffled into the kitchen, her eyes red and swollen, but less glazed than they had been. She gave Asol a friendly shove and kissed the top of Jessa’s head as she walked past. As she poured herself a drink, Jessa watched for signs that she was coming back to them a little bit.
She joined them at the table. “What are two of my favorite people talking about?”
Asol leaned forward. “I was about to go ask out a girl who lives two stacks over. She’s a server at the Quasi Arms.”
Kylin gave her a small grin. “That sounds like a good thing to be doing.”
Asol spread her arms. “If I’ve got the master’s blessing, I’m out of here.” She blew Jessa a kiss as she headed for the door. “Don’t wait up, Mom.”
Jessa spluttered into her cold tea. “I’m not nearly old enough to be her mother.”
Kylin actually laughed. “No, you’re not. But it’s funny.”
Jessa took Kylin’s hand in hers. “It’s good to see you with us, a little.”
Kylin sighed. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I just can’t imagine my world without him. But he wouldn’t want me to sit around moping. He’d want me to move forward. I’m not sure what that means yet, but I’ll get there.”
There was a knock at the door, and then a woman strode in. At least, Jessa thought it was a woman. But the spiky little teeth and strangely shaped eyes, as well as the claws, made her reevaluate.
Kylin shifted so that she was in front of Jessa. “Maana. This is a surprise.”
The woman looked around Kylin and smiled at Jessa. “Yes, I imagine it is.”
Kylin moved to block her again. “This isn’t a great time. And I thought our business was over.”
Maana’s eyes twitched, and she tapped a black claw against the table. “I’m actually here to be nice.”
Kylin crossed her arms but didn’t say anything.
“Thanks to our business, I came into a substantial amount of money. And because I believed in you so fully, I placed a bet on your behalf.” She tossed a thick envelope on the table. “I didn’t think you’d mind.” She took a step back, the expression on her face inscrutable. “And I’m sorry about your father. He was a good man.”
She left without another word, and Kylin picked up the envelope. She dumped it on the table and a hefty amount of linari fell out. She moved quickly to the door and Jessa heard her say, “Hey, Maana. Thanks.”
She couldn’t hear a response, but Kylin looked confused when she came back to the table.
“Isn’t that the person you had to deal with to get us to Quasi after the crash?” Jessa asked.
“It is. And she’s not known for her generosity. She must feel bad that she nearly got me killed. Although, in a way, she kind of saved my ass.” She shook her head and stuffed the linari back in the bag. “This is more than I make in two years scrounging.”
Jessa wanted to say she’d nearly died for that money, but it didn’t need to be said. “That means you don’t have to fight again, right?”
Kylin rubbed at her face. “Yeah. No fights.”
Something in the way she said it made Jessa wonder if she’d miss it, but now wasn’t the time to ask. She thought of Kylin’s father’s words, about loving all of someone, even the parts you weren’t sure about. And there was no question she did love her. That didn’t mean she wasn’t glad she wouldn’t be fighting again while Jessa remained on the planet.
“Are you ready to go back to your house?” she asked.
Kylin took their mugs to the sink. “I think so. It won’t be easy, but it’s probably time.” She looked over her shoulder at Jessa. “Will you come?”
Jessa got up and wrapped her arms around her from behind. “If you’ll have me there, yes. I’m sorry I didn’t stay at the fight. I was a coward, and I never should have left.”
Kylin turned around in her embrace and wrapped her arms around her. “I don’t think asking the woman you love to watch you get your ass handed to you in the ring is a fair expectation.” She rested her head against Jessa’s. “I thought you’d be better off if you thought I’d died there. So you wouldn’t have to deal with my crazy life. With…us.”
Jessa closed her eyes against the onslaught of images of Kylin in the ring. “Part of me died when I heard that you didn’t make it out. I’ve never felt such crushing despair. I knew what all these emotion words meant, but I’d never experienced them before you.”
Kylin smiled and kissed her softly. “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
Jessa shook her head. “I don’t want to feel that particular emotion ever again. You’re going to have to find a way to become immortal.”
Kylin laughed, a sound that Jessa had sorely missed.
“Let’s get our things and go home.”
Jessa followed her upstairs and pondered that word. Home. Something she’d never had in a truly meaningful way. That it was here on Indemnion, with a woman who fought like a demon and cared deeply for everyone around her, was both surprising and gratifying. The future would come at them with whatever it would. For now, she could simply be in the moment.
* * *
Kylin steadied herself on the doorframe when she stepped inside. The house smelled of her father’s scent, his old smokes, his flagweed. The walls echoed with the laughter and tears they’d shed throughout the years. And the laughter they’d never share again. Jessa’s arms went around her, holding her up.
“We can go back to Blue’s if it’s too much.”
Kylin pushed herself into the room. “No. He wouldn’t want me to be the star of my own pity party.”
Asol walked in after them, lugging food from the marketplace. She popped the bags on the kitchen counter. “I’ll make dinner while you two…do other stuff.”
Kylin made her way slowly through their little house. She touched her dad’s bedroom door but left it closed. That she definitely wasn’t ready for yet. They went into Kylin’s room and she looked around. “It feels like someone else’s house.”
Jessa sat beside her on the bed. “I can’t imagine how strange it must feel. Is there anything I can do?”
So often lately there simply hadn’t been words. She was drained, exhausted from walking through days knowing she had no one left, that she was truly alone in the world now. Even surrounded by people who told her to reach out if she needed anything, the sense of isolation was suffocating. And yet, Jessa had been there the whole time. She’d held her hand, steadied her, and let her cry. She’d never pushed or demanded attention Kylin didn’t have the wherewithal to give. Now that everything was over and she was supposed to get on with her own life, she had no idea where to start. Doing what she’d done every day—eating, scrounging, eating, going to bed—sounded so lacking, so dull. Her dad had made her promise to do something bigger, but right now, just breathing felt like an accomplishment.
“Kylin?”
“Sorry.” She took Jessa’s hand in hers. “You’ve been amazing. Thank you for standing with me through all this.” She could still see Jessa’s expression in the crowd during the fight. “We haven’t had a chance to talk about that night.”
“I don’t know if we need to.”
&nbs
p; Jessa’s tone was cautious, hedging. Which suggested they definitely needed to talk about it.
“What makes you say that?”
Jessa shifted to face her but kept looking at their clasped hands. “Something Blue told me. That we should enjoy each other in the light, and leave the shadows where they belong.”
Kylin could imagine Blue saying that, but she also remembered her dad’s final words, that she needed to be with someone who could accept all of who she was. But then, this was temporary, wasn’t it? At some point, she’d lose Jessa too. Why bother with deep conversations about struggle and violence? Maybe Blue was right, especially now that Kylin didn’t have to scrounge or fight for a while. They could travel, she could teach Asol some of the building stuff she wanted to know, and they could pretend like life was a fluffy adventure.
She slid her hand from Jessa’s. “I’m not someone to pretend, Jess. People are complicated; they’re not plants in pots. I’m a good person, and I’ve done some things that are probably tough for you to understand. Yeah, I got myself into a bad situation, but Orlin put me in the ring because I’d already been fighting in one. I did it for fun, and for money, and to test myself against other people.” She swallowed hard against a fresh flood of tears. “I’m not ashamed of who I am and who I’ve been. I don’t know who I’m going to be.”
Jessa had that look in her eyes that Kylin knew meant she was truly pondering what she’d said. One thing about Jessa was that Kylin never had any doubt she was listening.
“I love you.”
Kylin’s breath caught at the simple, clear words.
“I love you, and walking away from the fight that night was a huge mistake. I don’t know what the future holds, and there’s not much point in worrying about something you can’t do anything about. All I can do is tell you that I love you, and that although I may not understand your desire to be in the ring, I’ll never judge you for it. I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last week, and I realize how narrow my view of existence is. I don’t always know how to react or respond, but I’m learning. I love you. All of you.”
Kylin’s legs shook as she sat on the bed, pulling Jessa to her. She buried her face in Jessa’s hair and held her as close as she could. “I love you too. Whatever the future brings, or how little time we might have together, I love you. I think I fell for you the moment you climbed off that cliff to save your crew.”
They stayed that way for a long time, and the moment was bittersweet. She’d found someone to love, who loved her back. But she had no doubt that Jessa would leave Indemnion at some point. She’d go back to being a ship’s captain, and Kylin would stay behind, wandering through her days trying to forget the woman with the green eyes, gentle smile, and passion that could put a goddess of love to shame.
Asol knocked on the door. “Food’s ready.”
They pulled apart, and Jessa wiped away the tears on Kylin’s cheeks. “That’s what I meant about not living in the shadows. We live for now, for the people we are today. The future will take care of itself. For now, you can enjoy being in the light with nothing hanging over you.”
Kylin followed her out of the room. It was a nice sentiment, but knowing Jessa would one day leave wasn’t something she could simply forget. It would be worth it, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt.
Chapter Twenty-six
The weeks went by and they settled into a relaxed rhythm. Jessa spent time wandering the maze with her crew and learning about the many people from different planets. She’d go home and tell Kylin and Asol all she’d found out, as excited to be learning as she’d been when she was training to be captain.
Kylin started teaching Asol what she knew about engineering and mechanics, and together they started building a new flyer. News about the slaver raids outside the walls of the cities came in every day, and the people of Quasi, in an unusual public consensus, made it clear the slave trade wasn’t welcome there. As much as Kylin wanted to get back to Thalla to retrieve her flyer and all the parts of Jessa’s ship she’d scrounged, she wasn’t willing to take the risk of going beyond the walls.
Jessa wished they could go back and see Sherta and Liselle. In another world, she thought they could have been close friends. And she couldn’t imagine never seeing the Volare again. She enjoyed her trips out with her crew mates, who were also becoming friends, something Jessa had never had and a fact that sometimes made her almost giddy, another emotion she’d never experienced before. Kylin was slowly returning to herself, and her smile came more often. She and Asol teased one another like siblings, often resorting to wrestling with one another in the living room.
Kylin had taken to running the walls between Quasi and Fesi every morning, usually stopping to watch the nomads and slavers beyond the walls before she headed back. Sometimes Asol went with her, and they both always returned subdued.
Jessa was trying to cook a new dish while they were out running one morning, and what she’d made was smelling worse than it looked, which was an accomplishment since it looked pretty foul. With a sigh, she dumped it in the bin and started opening windows to air out the house. A shadow passed in front of the window just before a knock sounded on the door. People here often announced themselves when they arrived, so a silent visitor made Jessa nervous.
She opened the door a crack to see who it was, and when she did her stomach rolled. She opened the door all the way.
“Captain Arabelle?” The fleet soldier reached out and lifted her arm to run the life-scanner over her reading. “Your presence is requested by Fleet Commander Arabelle, and the administrator of Indemnion requests that Kylin Enderson accompany you.”
Jessa stared at him, the words lacking any meaning. When Kylin and Asol appeared behind him, she managed to focus. “The fleet commander is here? On Indemnion?”
He nodded and his eyes flicked toward Kylin, who was standing within striking distance, her arms crossed over her sweaty chest, her body turned slightly. Jessa recognized the combat stance, and it made her heart race. There was something incredibly sexy about Kylin in protective mode.
“Thank you, Officer. If you’ll tell me where to go, we’ll get ready and then meet you there.”
He looked surprised that she wasn’t going to come right away. “I was told to return with you, Captain.”
Jessa raised her eyebrow. “And I’m telling you I’ll be along shortly, Officer.”
He nodded and looked at Kylin. “We’ve landed at the open space just beyond the South wall. The fleet commander is waiting at a place called the Quasi Arms.” His expression suggested exactly what he thought of the place.
Kylin moved to the side to let him pass. “We’ll be there within the quarter sun.”
He saluted Jessa and set off down the stairs.
Kylin and Asol came in, and Jessa closed the door behind them. She leaned against it, the surprise of the officer’s visit turning into a strange sense of panic.
“Did I hear right? Your mom is here?” Asol asked, her eyes wide.
“She is.” She leaned into Kylin’s embrace, grateful for the closeness even though she was sweaty. “And the administrator wants to talk to you.”
Kylin took a deep breath. “I guess we’d better get ready then.”
Asol stood by the door, biting her lip. Jessa knew this would be just as worrying for her. “Why don’t you come with us? That way we won’t have to try to remember all the details to tell you later.”
She darted past them. “I’ll shower first!”“
“Well, that took some convincing.” Kylin’s grin was strained. “I think I’ll wear my clothes from Thalla. Seems like the best idea.”
Jessa wondered if she should wear her uniform, but somehow that didn’t feel right. She too put on her Thalla clothing, and once they were all ready they headed to the South gate. Jessa couldn’t imagine why her mother had felt the need to come herself. There were plenty of envoys she could have sent in her place. She took Kylin’s hand and drew strength from it.
/> When they arrived at the Quasi Arms, several soldiers saluted her as she entered the community space. The smell of roughweed beer and fried crispin made her wince, and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dim lighting.
Her mother was studying a picture on the wall, her hands clasped behind her back, her posture ramrod straight, her hair pulled into a bun so tight it looked painful. In that moment, Jessa saw herself, and the woman she’d been when she’d crash-landed here. Dressed in the loose, soft clothing of Thalla, with her hair down, and holding tightly to Kylin’s hand, that world felt incredibly far away.
“Fleet Commander.” Jessa spoke softly, the gravity of the moment overwhelming.
Her mother turned around and her gaze swept over Jessa. When she met Jessa’s eyes, Jessa was stunned at the tears in them. She came forward and clasped Jessa in a tight, brief hug. But in her touch Jessa felt her mother trembling.
She pulled back. “Daughter. You look well. Your family has been extremely concerned with your well-being since the news of your ship’s destruction.” Her hand fluttered as she reached out and almost touched her, then she put her hands behind her once again. “We were glad to get the message from Indemnion’s administrator regarding your distress signal. Only part of it got out, and we weren’t certain where to begin our search. Once we received his message we were able to pinpoint your life-scan, and we moved with haste to begin your retrieval.”
Jessa looked at the administrator, who tilted his head and gave her a knowing smile.
“Mother. As you can imagine, losing the ship was difficult, and I’ve felt great responsibility for the loss.” Slipping back into the language she’d been raised with was both easy and foreign. “I’m sorry it caused any emotional hardship on the family.”
Kylin whistled, drawing both their attention. “Wow. Forgive me, but I have to interrupt. I can’t handle all the crazy emotions whirling around in here.” She held out her arm. “Kylin Enderson, Fleet Commander. Nice to meet you.”