“Maybe I’m taking you on a drive because I like the fall colors and wanted company?”
Oh. Now I felt super stupid. I stared out the window, noticing the trees, but not focused on them like I was before. He’d said this was a date, though, hadn’t he? So why was he suddenly acting like it wasn’t? Jax was so guarded with his feelings, it was hard to get a read on him. But I’d spent enough time with him now to know he used statements like that as some sort of defense mechanism so people couldn’t go too deep. I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. Especially not after I’d just shared something really personal about my own life.
I turned toward him, ready for a chat. “You might have wanted to see the fall colors, but that’s not why we’re here. You just don’t want to admit you thought of me and made an effort to do something you thought I’d enjoy.”
The muscles at his jaw pulsed. Finally, he said, “Maybe.”
And that’s all I got. I sat in the passenger seat getting more and more annoyed. When we got to the end of the road, he parked. We got out and climbed a hill overlooking the valley. I took a deep breath of the crisp mountain air and closed my eyes, then opened them again, like seeing the scene for the first time. The mountains made a beautiful backdrop for the gorgeous autumn colors painting them. I pulled out my phone and snapped a few pics of the scenery, then eased down next to Jax on a large rock.
We sat in silence, looking out over the area, but my mind was racing with thoughts about what had happened in the truck, and the way he’d deflected me. I had fun with Jax. He was a good friend, and he was the definition of man-candy, but true friendship requires a level of intimacy that goes beyond making jokes. And relationships require even more than that. He said he didn’t want one, but I wasn’t sure he really knew what he wanted at all. I knew what I wanted, though. I wanted to get to know him. The real him—not the mysterious, reserved version he put out there for the rest of the world. What was he hiding? And why wouldn’t he open up?
I turned to him, unable to hold my feelings in any longer. “Look, Jax. I like you. You’re funny, you’re smart, you force me out of my comfort zone, and I really like hanging out with you.”
“Thanks!” he said, leaning back against the rock and resting his hands behind his head as he looked up at me. He gave me a wide grin. “I know.”
I narrowed my eyes. That. It was that attitude that needed to go—or at least be tempered by some honesty and real moments. “But you’re also hard to read because you refuse to let anyone in. You can have friendships and relationships like that, but they’re surface relationships—and they don’t last. Not to mention, it’s a pretty lonely place to be. Who do you confide in if you have no one you trust enough to be real with?”
He looked away. “I get through things fine on my own.”
I shook my head. “No one does. Everyone needs a constant. Someone who’s always there for them. Someone to count on.” I paused. “If you want this friendship to go deeper and mean something, you have to let me in. If you don’t, we’ll stay just the way we are.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time. “I don’t mind the way we are.” He paused before adding, “I mean, I wouldn’t argue if you wanted to lose some clothes, but other than that, I think things are good.”
He was doing it again: using jokes to deflect away from the real issue so he wouldn’t have to deal with deeper emotions. I shook my head and laughed in disbelief as I stood. “Well, I tried. Surface it is, then.”
His brows knit together like he was trying to figure something out.
As I started to walk away, I looked over my shoulder and shot back, “But just so you know, surface doesn’t help this—“ I gestured between me and him, “—move forward. And it definitely won’t get my clothes off.”
I took off back down the mountain, enjoying the beauty around me by myself.
“Where’s Brynn tonight?”
I sighed. I’d hoped we’d make it back to CARE without talking since we didn’t seem to be too great at words today. I was wrong. We pulled into the parking lot and Jax parked next to She-Ra as I answered, “She’s at a party. Why?”
He ignored my question. “Where’s this party supposed to be at?”
“One of the frats.”
He leaned back, watching me closely. “You’re both in grad school. Why is she still going to frat parties?”
I shrugged. “We just finished undergrad in May. We still have friends at the frats.”
“You don’t strike me as the frat party type. In fact, I’d have guessed you’d be home studying most nights.”
I was totally bugged he’d pegged me like that. That was the old Syd. “Guess you thought wrong.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “I didn’t.”
I wrinkled my nose. Annoyed again. “Fine. Brynn likes going to frat parties, and I don’t like her going alone so I usually tag along—just like when I follow her to bars. Some of them aren’t bad, though. Almost everyone there is always super drunk or stoned, so that’s pretty entertaining. We know most of the guys and have friends there, so it’s safer than going to a bar and hanging out with random guys. And since I’m always the designated driver, I’m one of the only people at the party who can remember what happened after it’s all over, so that gives me good blackmail material.” I paused, making a decision. “Plus, some of the guys are hot.”
His amused expression slipped ever so slightly. His mouth formed a thin line, and a vein pulsed at his temple. I’d said the “hot” comment on purpose—not because it was the truth, but because I wanted to see his reaction. I turned away, trying to hide my own feelings. He was bothered by me looking at other guys. And I liked that it bothered him. A lot.
“I didn’t know drunk, spoiled mama’s boys were your type. So, yeah. I got that wrong.”
I turned back around, giving him a lethal stare. “I didn’t know you were analyzing my type.”
He held my eyes. “You’re really not difficult to figure out.”
Now I was pissed. “Well, you apparently got my type wrong, so maybe you should reassess. I think you’re giving yourself too much credit—and not giving me enough.”
“I don’t think so, sweetheart. You don’t even date.”
My eyebrows show up. “I date! I’m on a poor example of a date with you right now!”
He ran his tongue over his teeth, his lips ticking up slightly. “You don’t date, you dally, and not well.”
My mouth fell open, part shock, part offense. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He leaned against the door of his truck as he angled his body toward me, like he was getting ready for a long discussion he needed to be comfortable for. I couldn’t help but notice how his pants stretched across his crotch. “How far have you gone, Sydney?”
My breath hitched. Like usual, he’d taken me completely off guard. I folded my arms across my chest, squaring my shoulders. “That’s none of your business.”
“That’s fine. You don’t have to tell me. I already have a pretty good idea.”
“So now you’re psychic?”
“No. I just know you.”
I stared at him, completely annoyed. “Not that well you don’t.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, mimicking me. “You’re terrified of affection and romantic relationships. You’ve spent your whole life with a preconceived notion of the person you’re supposed to be—and the person you’re supposed to end up with. You came to college a good girl, and probably decided to test your limits a bit. You might have even had sex, but I’m guessing you were A. drunk, B. in a determined fit of stupidity, or C. trying to prove something when it happened,” he said, holding up his fingers and ticking off each letter as he said it. “And I bet it’s never happened more than once or twice, and it probably wasn’t very memorable.” I tried to keep my expression blank, but I was shaken by his assessment and didn’t do a very good job of keeping the shock off my face. He’d nailed it. Completely. He smiled sl
owly as my reaction confirmed his assumptions. “You were either scared of the possibility of being intimate with someone, or felt guilty for betraying the person you thought you were supposed to be. So you backed off, and decided to concentrate on getting your degrees instead of on all the other experiences that are also part of college and becoming an adult.”
I thinned my eyes. “Experiences you seem to have plenty of, I see.”
He ignored me. “You’re afraid of intimacy.”
“Look who’s talking,” I yelled, pointing at him. “You won’t open up for anyone. I can’t figure out who you really are; no one can. Because you refuse to let people in.”
He shook his head. “One, I have reasons for not letting people in. Two, I’m not afraid of sex—I love it—I just don’t like the baggage that comes with long-term relationships.”
“Exactly, you’re afraid of relationships because you have to open up. What most people consider a normal part of getting to know someone, you think of as baggage. Has anyone ever gotten far enough inside your heart to really know you? To find out your hopes, your dreams, your fantasies? Have you ever—even once in your life—been vulnerable with someone? Because if you want to talk about intimacy, that’s the definition. It’s someone you trust implicitly. Who have you had that with, Jackson? Why won’t you let people in?”
“That’s none of your business,” he ground out.
“I bet I could guess,” I said, throwing his words back at him.
“No.” He paused. “You couldn’t. And don’t try.” His eyes held a hint of anger, but it was laced with something else, a morose sadness. The response was so stern and out of character for him that I decided not to push him on it. At least not right now. It didn’t seem like I needed to add that argument to the one we were already having.
“You don’t know me, Jax. Not like you think you do.” I opened the door and picked my purse up off the seat next to me, grabbing my keys from inside. “When you’re ready to open up and have a real conversation, let me know.”
I slammed the door shut and unlocked She-Ra. Jax was still sitting in his truck as I backed out of the parking space. I didn’t look at him as I roared away.
I avoided Jax for a week. It wasn’t difficult. Other than Red’s and the Soup and Spoon, it’s not like we spent a lot of time in the same places. He hadn’t even texted. After our argument, I shouldn’t have been surprised. I replayed the day in my head. We hadn’t said a word to each other the entire ride back to town. Which was fine. It gave me a chance to look at the beautiful leaves while I seethed about the man next to me who refused to let me in. Judging by the picnic basket that I’d noticed in the backseat of his truck, though, he’d had a more extensive date planned for us. I guess my calling him out and then storming off down the mountain on my own hadn’t made him too eager to spend any more time with me. And if that hadn’t sealed the deal, our argument at CARE surely did.
I shrugged inwardly. Oh well. His loss. I wasn’t going to be the one to initiate further discussion. If he wanted to make things work with us, and open up, then he needed to follow through and instigate the conversation.
I grabbed my handbag and got out of She-Ra. I’d just finished at the salon, and I felt fantastic! My stylist added some warm, caramel-colored tones to my already blonde hair. I’d been feeling sassy, so when she’d asked how I wanted it styled, I’d told her Hustler-hair—big messy curls with lots of volume. She’d done exactly that. I looked like I’d just been tossed around a bed repeatedly—and had enjoyed it.
I settled into a booth in the back of mine and Brynn’s favorite pizza place. We were supposed to meet for lunch, but she wasn’t there yet. That wasn’t a surprise; Brynn was habitually late. I usually just showed up fifteen minutes later than our agreed upon meeting time. I was still usually the first one there.
I pulled out a book to pass the time. No werewolves. Thanks to Jax, I hadn’t been able to read a paranormal romance without thinking about him since August. I was pretty bitter about it. I really liked naked, naughty werewolves—the pretend kind, not the ones with piercing azure eyes who thought they were better than fiction.
Ten minutes later, Brynn floated through the door and took her seat in the booth next to me, her eyes growing bigger as she gave me a once-over. “Hey, hot girl!” she said, throwing her bag down and picking up a small piece of bread. “Love the hair! You should wear it like that all the time.”
I reflexively lifted my hand and touched it, pushing the curls up even higher. “I was feeling sassy today.”
Brynn grinned, tearing off a piece of bread and dipping it in some olive oil and garlic on the table. “I like Sassy Syd. Will Sassy Syd also be doing other sexy, sassy things? Like getting naked with a hot man?”
I wrinkled my nose. There was only one man I was interested in getting naked with, and I was still annoyed with him. “Not anytime soon.”
“Still haven’t worked things out with Jax?”
I lifted a shoulder. “It’s not my problem to work out. He’s the one who refused to open up, so until he does, I guess things between us are stalled.” I took a drink. “I don’t even know if there was a thing between us.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, there’s definitely a thing. I’m surprised you haven’t ripped each other’s clothes off in public—or private—yet.”
Frankly, I was a little surprised myself.
“How are your classes going?” I asked after we’d ordered our food. “I haven’t had an update on your research lately.”
Brynn clapped her hands together in front of her. “Oh my gosh! I totally forgot to tell you!” She rummaged through her bag—she frequently lost things in the depths of her purse—and pulled out her phone. “Look at this! Look!” She threw down her phone on the table in front of me. I glanced at the article on the screen. It was a study measuring dick size by state. I scrolled through it, looking at the state sizes and measurements. It wasn’t the most comprehensive or scientific study, but apparently a condom company had taken it upon themselves to list the states where the largest sizes were sold.
“So, I guess you’re considering a move to North Dakota?” I asked.
“Hell no! I don’t want to live there, I just want to visit. I think we need to do a dick tour. Maybe a road trip of the top five states. You know…for research.” Her eyes lit up and she grinned playfully.
I leaned back in my chair eying her with a smile. “I deal with enough dicks here in Winchester. I don’t need to make a special trip to find more.”
“You deal with every day dicks,” she said, exasperated. “I’m talking about quality, Syd. The kind of penis you remember on your death bed.”
I lifted a brow. “You think you’ll be remembering penises on your death bed?”
She widened her eyes like she was horrified at the thought of anything else. “If I’m not, my life has taken a seriously wrong turn.”
I laughed. She might not end up in a relationship—ever—but I guess everyone has different priorities. Brynn’s were definitely more about pleasure than companionship.
I scrolled down the rest of the list. “I don’t think this is a very accurate estimator. It says Colorado is number eleven. That doesn’t correspond well with your findings.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Or I’m just looking in the wrong places…or maybe it’s the wrong ages?”
I nodded, though, considering her range of experience, I found it hard to believe she didn’t have size estimating down to a science already. I guess that’s why she needed to continue her research.
Our food came out and we each grabbed a slice, gooey cheese bubbling over sauce and soft pizza dough. My side had Canadian bacon and pineapple; hers had tomatoes, green peppers, mushrooms, and onions. Pizza was a treat Brynn didn’t allow herself to have very often.
Brynn kept discussing her dick trip plans—which she’d put a surprising amount of thought into considering the article had just come out yesterday and she had classes to attend and homework
to do.
“As much as I’d like to come along, I don’t have time. I’m buried with school work, and you should be, too.”
She waved me off. “We have breaks coming up for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break. We could go then!”
“I am not spending Christmas on a quest for the biggest penis in north America.”
She gave me a serious look. “It would be a noble quest, Syd. Women everywhere would thank us.”
I laughed softly and shook my head. “Maybe when I’m not so busy with school. I’m going to use any vacation we get to try to relax a little. Maybe sleep, and catch up on TV shows.”
She frowned. “Party pooper.” She picked up a stray pepper that had fallen onto her plate and popped it into her mouth, then immediately almost choked.
I reached over, patting her back, my expression concerned. “Are you okay?”
She took a drink of her lemon water to wash it down, her eyes directed across the room. “Hooooly shit,” Brynn said when she could talk again. Her voice was hoarse from the pepper trying to kill her.
I pushed my brows together, wondering what she was exclaiming about, and what had caused her windpipe to almost close. I followed her eyes, and that’s when I saw him.
Everything felt like it was in slow motion. I could barely breathe. The little girl couldn’t have been more than four. She had an adorable smile and looked completely smitten with the man next to her. The stunning, busty blonde woman sitting across from her looked at Jax the same way. I was so riveted at the scene of domestic tranquility playing out in front of me, that I didn’t even notice the water I’d knocked over until Brynn yelped.
I turned to her, not wanting to take my eyes off of them, but needing to clean up my mess. “Well, now I know why he wouldn’t open up,” I said through my teeth. “He had a wife and kid to get back to.”
Brynn gave me a serious look. “You don’t know that’s who they are.”
I watched as Jax picked up a crayon and helped the little girl with sun-kissed platinum braids color on the placemat in front of her while he leaned in next to her ear, talking and laughing. His expression was soft—loving in a way I didn’t even realize he had the capacity to feel, let alone show. The gorgeous woman said something and Jax looked up at her with adoration. I’d never been so jealous. I glanced back at Brynn, my face falling. “You don’t look at someone like that unless you care about them. A lot.”
Tempting Sydney Page 10