His body deflates.
“You’re right. Happy New Year,” he says, before turning and walking away.
“Ben, wait—” But it’s too late, he’s already stormed out.
As soon as I turn to go back into the kitchen, I hear Carter.
“He’s right you know,” he says, standing in the doorway. “You’re lashing out because you’re hurt, rather than just talking to him.”
“I’m so fucking pissed, Carter,” I say, tossing the package of frozen ground turkey into the microwave to defrost. “So insanely, out of my mind pissed off.”
If you’ve never gone mad, you’ve never been in love.
“That may very well be. And, really, I’d probably be pretty fucking pissed off, too if I were in your shoes. But let me explain something. You being pissed doesn’t give you the right to pull shit like this. Not again. And you will not put Shayna in danger because of your anger.”
I start to object, but he cuts me off. “I mean it, Quinn. And beyond that, you’re my sister. I don’t want to see you hurt. I don’t want a repeat of the last time shit hit the fan with you and Ben. No hospitals.”
“Please don’t,” I say. The itchiness under my skin returns. I hate when I have to relive those crazy days. “I wasn’t trying to put anyone in danger, I just wasn’t thinking.”
“And that’s gotten you into trouble before, Quinnlette.”
“So what am I supposed to do? I mean, relationships are hard for people that aren’t totally fucked up. For me, they’re just…”
“You’re not fucked up, Quinn. Stop using that as an excuse to quit.”
“And, so, what do I do?” I repeat the question.
“You’ve got two choices right now. You can walk away, or you can try harder.”
Nineteen
BEN
“Orange chicken?” Shayna asks, holding up a skewered piece on the end of a pair of chopsticks.
“No thanks, not hungry,” I say. Quinn’s words are still breaking me inside. Like an ice pick tapping away at my heart, over and over again. I get that she’s purposely trying to hurt me, and she is. I get that she’s trying to push me away. We’ve been here before. Except this time, I don’t know how to get back in. Because this time, it’s all my fault.
“You sure? There’s plenty, especially since that psychopath isn’t going to be joining us for dinner,” Shayna says with a smile that lets me know she’s joking.
“She’s not—”
“I know,” Shayna nods. She’s sitting up on the counter with her legs tucked under her. “Carter went over to talk to her.He’s worried she’s going to pull a second act of the last time you guys broke up.”
“We aren’t broken up,” I say. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I hope it is. I hope Quinn is just angry and we can work this out.
Shayna nods politely.Like it’s all for my benefit. Like she feels sorry for me.
“Listen, I’m sorry I put you guys in an awkward position in Atlanta, with Caroline there and everything…”
“You know we didn’t tell Quinn thatwe ran into you because we wanted to, Ben. I mean, you could’ve helped yourself out a little bit and actually showed up at the airport when you were supposed to.”
Don’t I know it. There’s no way that I could ever feel like a bigger jackass than I do right now.
“So, what was the deal, anyway? What’s going on with the precious ex?” Shayna is smirking.
I push my sleeves up. “I think I should talk to Quinn first. Then, you know, she can run and tell you everything.”
“Probably. You know, I sort of think you’re an asshole for going, though. Just so you know.”
“Thanks for the honesty, Shayna.”
She flips me off before going back to her dinner.
“Seriously, though. You and Quinn have been through so damn much, and you pull this?”
I shift uncomfortably. “I get it, thanks.”
“I don’t think you do. Because if you did, you wouldn’t have gone in the first place. Were you trying to sabotage your relationship?”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Because the way I see it, you’ve got it pretty good, Ben. You have this girlfriend that loves you. And she deserves all of you.”
“Do you think she’ll forgive me?” I ask. Shayna fancies herself a certified therapist now that she’s completed a whole semester and a half of college.
“Do you regret it? I mean really? Not the part about getting caught, but do you honestly regret going?”
“No question.” I’ll regret getting on the damned plane for the rest of my life. “I regret not calling her more while she was gone. I regret going to Georgia. I regret it all…”
“I have a theory,” Shayna says.
“Of course you do,” I mumble.
“I think you pushed her away on purpose.”
“Why the hell would I do that?”
“I think you pushed her away so that she’d cling to you. I think you wanted her to need you again. I mean, forget the fact that you ran across the country to be there for Caroline.Even just the little stuff. Coming home late? Sneaking out in the middle of the night to take pictures?”
“I can’t sleep,” I say.
“Nope, I think there’s more to it. I think you have to keep moving because you’re trying to mask your own issues.”
“Which are?”
“That you grew up in this super strict environment, controlled by your anal-as-hell mom, and now it’s basically impossible for you to figure out how to treat yourself well. So you spend your time trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of. Or, running around at night taking pictures of hobos or whatever it is that you’re calling art these days.”
Right now, I really think that expensive-ass USC education that Shayna’s parents are footing the bill for may actually be worthwhile.
“And, because you asked, yes, I think she’ll forgive your sorry ass,” Shayna says just as Carter walks back in. She looks at him and smiles before adding, “If for no other reason than you’re really freaking sexy, Ben.”
She throws her head back as Carter shakes his at her, and I’m suddenly jealous of the casual, and secure relationship these two have. And I realize that I had that all along. That Quinn never gave me shit about my late nights, and maybe Shayna’s right. Maybe somewhere inside I wanted her to. Maybe I wanted to hear that it was hard when I was gone. Maybe after all the shit that we went through last year had settled, I didn’t know how to just relax with Quinn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Knock, knock,” Quinn’s voice wakes me up the second it penetrates my eardrums.
“Hey,” I say, flinging myself up to sitting position. I alternate pulling each of my arms in front of my body, trying to stretch the best I can. Carter’s couch was not made for someone my size, but I guess it’s a decent punishment for what I put Quinn through.
“Sorry to wake you,” she says, glancing furtively around the room.
“Carter and Shayna left early this morning, if that’s what you’re wondering,” I say.
“Oh, okay, good. Did you sleep okay?” she asks. Her restless fingers tug at the end of her loose pony-tail. I hate that she’s nervous. I hate that this is where we are. Again. Because of me. I never thought I’d be the one to bring us to this place, that I’d be the asshole that pushed us here. After all of my promises to her about how I’d take care of her, and love her, and this is where we’re at.
I shrug, “I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’ve been better.” She forces a smile, but I can tell she’s not even putting in a half effort, because her jaw still looks tense when she does it.
“I know.” I get up off of the couch and sit on the arm instead, making a small move to be closer to her, even if it’s just another foot nearer.
“I wanted to apologize,” she says, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear. That.That place on her neck, that’s my favorite place.
“Quinn, what the hell are you apologizing for?”
“Just,” she begins. She holds her hand up so I know that she’s thinking about her wording and that I need to give her a minute to sort it all out. “What I said about you not meaning anything to me?”
Hearing her repeat it hurts almost as bad as the first time she said it.
“I didn’t mean that. Of course, I didn’t mean it.”
“I know,” I say. I’m shocked that she’s here. Apologizing for saying what she did. And instead of making me feel better, it makes me feel even guiltier. Because Quinn has actually changed.She’s grown, and I should have been giving her more credit all this time. I should have trusted that she would be better off knowing where I went while she was in Italy. That she wouldn’t crumble. But I didn’t.
“I said some pretty shitty things, too,” I say, remembering the barbed words I hurled at her. “I know I’m a fuck up, Quinn, but god, I love you.”
“I know,” she says. And it’s almost as if my ears don’t believe it when she says it, because it’s just too damn good to be true. Because more than anything, I just want her to believe that.
“But, I still can’t do this right now. I just need some time, you know? I feel so fucking hurt and confused.And I don’t understand why, if you love me, you would have run off to be with her—”
“I didn’t leave to be with her.”
“Just let me think on things, okay? I’ve got to go now, though. I have some things to do since I’ve been gone for so long…”
She tugs on her navy blue sweater. It’s a simple thing, but I know it’s because she’s nervous and I hate that we’re back at this awkward place. I have to fix this.
“Fair enough,” I say. “Can I at least buy you dinner?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like if we’re together right now, it’s going to turn into a fight, and I really don’t want to fight with you, Ben. Because no matter what I said last night, I love you.”
And I know that it took everything in her to open her heart enough to say those words, especially since I’d just crushed it.
“Quinn, I could apologize every day for the rest of my life. I can beg you to forgive me. Again. Or, I can hopefully remind you why we love each other. Can we just go back to that for a little while?”
She taps her keys against her leg and rolls her neck around. Thinking.
“It’s just dinner.”
Quinn blows out a long breath. “Fine. Come by the apartment tomorrow at seven. We can have dinner,” she says.
I know her, and I know that right now, she’s fighting that twitch of a smile in the corner of her mouth.And that in itself feels like a damn victory.
Twenty
BEN
I’m waiting at our apartment door at six-forty-two. I’m early. I had to be. I couldn’t stand sitting in Carter’s place a minute longer knowing that those were minutes that I could be with Quinn. But now that I’m standing here, I’m wondering if it was a mistake to show up early. Will she even let me in? Will it piss her off that I can’t even follow simple directions?
I knock lightly and hold my breath.
“Hey,” she says. Quinn pulls open the door, dressed casually and with one Chuck Taylor on, one in her hand. “You’re early.”
“I know. I could come up with some lame excuse about why, but really, I just missed you. If you want I can wait out here if you’re not ready.”
She shakes her head and gives me a small smile.
“No, come in. I’ll let it slide this time. You still pay half the rent, after all.”
I laugh, even though the statement makes me a little sad, because I know that jokes like that make her pain a little less.
She tells me to pick where we were going, but I know her well enough to know that letting me choose is basically giving me permission to pick one of her three favorite places. We end up at El Café de la Esquina, a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place that’s just down the street from our apartment and whose name translates into The Corner Café.
“I went by the school today,” she says. “I got so many damn credits for going to Italy. I am going to graduate long before the rest of the people in my class, which I think is really crazy, right, because, I basically got the trip of a lifetime and it works out that I get to graduate early? What kind of crazy-ass dumb luck is that?” She takes a quick breath and a sip of her soda. “I’m so excited to be eating Mexican food tonight. Don’t get me wrong, the food in Italy was spectacular, but I’m a little pasta’d out right now. And, I’m rambling, aren’t I? Ihad this grand idea that if I just started off the evening talking, that we could bypass the awkwardness of where things are at…”
“You’re great,” I say. “But it doesn’t have to be awkward. It’s just me and you.” She twists the strings of her hoodie, and I can hear the light tap the rubber soles of her Chucks under the table.
“You asked me to marry you,” Quinn says, biting on her lower lip. I know what that lip tastes like. I know how it feels to nip at it. And I’d give anything to do it right now.But I can’t.
“I did,” I say plainly.
“That’s crazy, right?”
Maybe.
“I don’t know, Quinn. It felt like the thing to do.”
“I don’t understand how you thought that would make it any better?”
I don’t know how to answer her. The truth is, I was desperate. I would have said anything to get her to understand that I love her. That my bailing to go to Georgia had nothing to do with me not loving her.
She sets her menu aside and looks me in the eyes. “What happened while you were there?”
“Can we talk about this at home?” Is it still our home?
Quinn gives a quick shake of her head. “I’d like to know now.”
The waiter interrupts us, buying me a few minutes to figure out the best way to tell her that I kissed someone else. But only a few very brief moments, because we order the same thing we always do, a street-food platter and duck enchiladas to share. Because that’s what couples do. And I don’t want to lose any of this.
“Caroline called me. Well, Caroline had been calling me. I didn’t lie to you on Thanksgiving when I said that I didn’t know why and I never called her back. I swear to you, I wasn’t lying when you asked me that.”
“Okay,” is all that she offers.
“Anyway, I went out there and the good news is, I talked with my mom. I think things are going to be okay from now on with her. And she thanked you for the biscotti. Why didn’t you tell me that you did that?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to Georgia to see your ex-girlfriend?” she asks. The parts that I love most about Quinn are the same parts that scare the shit out of me when I’m the one that she’s angry at.
“Caroline,” I say, careful not to use her nickname, because I know that it drives Quinn crazy. “She moved in with my parents because her boyfriend— or, her ex-boyfriend was accused of stalking her. He showed up at her dorm, things got really out of hand.”
“Oh my god,” Quinn says. “What happened?”
I pause. It’s not my story to tell, but I have to.
“He attacked her. He tried to rape her. If a friend hadn’t have shown up, he would have.”
“Shit,” she says. “Is she okay?”
“She will be. That’s why she’s with my folks. Her parents are trying to get it all sorted out back in Kentucky, and making sure it’s safe for her to come home, you know?”
“So, that’s it? You just went out there to help her get settled and hung out and stuff?”
I have to tell her. I can’t tell her. I have to tell her.
I watch Quinn tense up. “What is it, Ben?”
I shift in my chair and feel like a coward I am. Quinn knows there’s more.
“She tried to convince me to stay. With her.”
“What?” she says through clenched teeth.
“Caroline is lonely, and scared, and for her, I’m this safet
y net.”
“No, no you’re not. You aren’t in a relationship with Caroline, Ben. Did you forget that while you were there? Settle back into old habits, or what?”
“I didn’t reciprocate, I swear to you, baby—”
“What? Didn’t reciprocate? Never mind, I have to go. I have to leave.” Quinn slams her palms down onto the table as she stands up.
“Quinn, come on, it’s not what you think.”
But she grabs her purse off of the back of her chair and hauls ass out the door.Away from me.
I easily catch up with her in the parking lot where she’s standing there, shaking with anger.Because of me.
“Quinn—”
“I just want to go home,” she says.
“Okay, get in the car. I’ll drive you.”
“No thanks, I’ll walk. It’s not far.”
“I don’t feel safe with you out here alone at night, Quinn. Let me drive you home.”
Quinn spins on her heals and glares at me.
“Ben, unlike Caroline, I don’t feel safe with you.” Her words are the daggers she intends them to be.
Twenty-one
QUINN
“Fine, take my car then, I’ll walk. I don’t want you out here alone at night.” Ben tosses me the keys to his car, the same one that I rode in the very first day I met him and then he turns to start the walk home. I’m not made of stone. It does occurs to me that it’s a crappy thing to do, to let him walk away while I drive his car home. But my anger doesn’t let me stop it from happening.
I’m adjusting the driver’s seat to accommodate my short-as-hell legs when the passenger door opens and Ben slides in.
“What are you doing?” I ask. I reach for the door handle to get out. The apartment really isn’t that far.
“Don’t leave. Please. Don’t run away. Not this time.”
It’s infuriating that he’s acting like I have the choice to do anything but run. I thought I was ready to hear it all, but I’m not. When he started talking about Caroline wanting him back, all of my fears slammed into me at once. How I’ve never been able to live up to the angelic Caroline. How she still wanted him, and maybe always will. How can I compete with perfection like her?How maybe Ben would be better off choosing her instead. And I’m scared that when he tells me what happened, that it may break me. That this shell with crumble and the old Quinn will step out of it. Angry and damaged and empty inside.
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