by Freya Barker
“I’m making grilled cheese, do you want one or did you actually eat that stuff?”
“Hell to the no. One bite was enough. Not gonna say no to grilled cheese.”
Ezrah is sitting at the kitchen table and looks up from what looks like schoolbooks to lift his chin at me. Ten going on twenty-five, complete with attitude. He imitates the brothers at the club, but he’s way too young to pull it off. I keep my chuckle to myself
“Come sit,” Kiara says, patting the couch beside her.
“All right, Princess.”
I sit down and she immediately crawls on my lap, book in hand.
“Will you read to me?”
Fuck.
She snuggles in against my chest when I open the book, but I’ve barely read a page when my cell rings in my pocket. I lift Kiara off my lap and hand her the book. Pulling my phone out, I note it’s the clubhouse phone.
“Yeah?”
“Got a visitor. You coming here or want—”
“On my way.” I don’t let Paco finish.
Then I walk into the kitchen where Lisa is flipping grilled cheese sandwiches on a large griddle.
“Hate to bail, Sugar, but I’ve gotta run up to the clubhouse. Something’s come up.”
Her eyes are worried when she turns to me.
“Everything okay?”
“It’s fine. Sorry about the sandwich. I’ll check in later, yeah?”
I give her a quick kiss on the cheek, when I notice Ezrah watching our interaction closely. I won’t hold back forever, but I’m not going to lay one on her when I’m about to run out the door.
“Later, Ezrah. Princess.” I ruffle her hair when I pass the couch. “We’ll have to finish that story some other time, all right?”
As soon as I have the door closed, I start jogging over to the clubhouse. Paco is behind the bar when I walk in and cocks his thumb down the hall at the back.
“Ouray’s office.”
My heart is pounding in my chest, anticipation high, and I stop outside the office to take a few deep breaths before pushing open the door.
Luna and Ouray are the only ones in the office.
“What’s going on?”
“Brother, have a seat.”
I glare at Ouray and stay standing.
“Just tell me.”
It’s Luna who starts talking.
CHAPTER 5
Brick
“YESTERDAY STATE POLICE came across a breached guardrail on Highway 550, about ten miles south of Silverton.”
My knees go weak and I reach behind me to find a chair, sitting down hard. Ouray shoves a glass in my hand and I don’t even look to see what it is, I just throw it back.
“They found a silver Nissan SUV halfway down the gulley. Took them ‘til last night to get to the wreck. I’m so sorry, Brick, they think it was your daughter behind the wheel. She didn’t survive the crash.”
She’s still talking but I don’t hear anything anymore, all I see is that little girl curling up beside me in her bed as I read her a nighttime story. Years lost, so many years lost.
A pained roar rips from my chest and before I can stop myself, the glass is flying through the room, crashing against the wall.
“Brother…” I feel Ouray’s hand clamp down on my shoulder. “Brace. There’s more.”
I force my gaze to Luna, whose face is carefully shielded—professional—but she can’t hide the sheen in her eyes.
“Brick, when we talked earlier you didn’t mention a baby…”
It takes a second to register.
“Baby?” My voice sounds hoarse, emotions clogging my throat.
“They found a baby in the car with her. Did you know she…?”
“Hers?”
She nods. “They went through her purse, found a birth certificate for Finn Ernest Paver, date of birth July 27th.”
There’s no way to stop the sob wrenched from my chest. Ouray’s fingers dig into my shoulder, and I welcome that pain over the other.
She gave him my name.
“He’s alive, Brick,” Luna says softly. “The baby was protected in his seat. He has some superficial injuries and was dehydrated and hypothermic, but he’s alive.”
“I need to…” I start, but I don’t know what I need to do. I’m reeling from the information and nearly breathless with this deep ache pressing on my chest.
“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Ouray says behind me. “We’re taking you to see your daughter at Hood Mortuary. I’m gonna stand by you while you identify your daughter, and once that’s done, we’re going to go see your grandson at Mercy Hospital, brother.”
A grandson. Jesus.
I barely notice the curious looks when Ouray escorts me through the clubhouse, his wife leading the way. I just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other until Luna opens the door to Ouray’s new Toyota 4Runner and I get in.
As Ouray drives us toward town, questions start surfacing and I twist in my seat to look at Luna.
“Was it an accident?”
“Unsure at this point. State Patrol called in the Colorado Bureau of Investigations’ forensic team. The SUV was brought to the DPD lab here in Durango. Hopefully we’ll hear more on that in the next day or so. I told the CBI investigator I spoke with about your phone call with her.”
I try to remember the sound of Kelsey’s voice, but I can’t.
“The father? On the birth certificate?” I clarify.
“Blank. The CBI investigator will be connecting with their colleagues in Denver to see who she was connected to. He promised to keep me updated, and I’ll let you know when I do.”
When we pull into a parking spot at the mortuary, I’m suddenly not so sure I can do this. Ouray doesn’t give me a chance to think, he gets out and opens the door on my side.
“Let’s get this over with,” he says gruffly.
Luna walked ahead to talk to a guy, who has his eyes on me, as Ouray and I approach.
“Brick, meet CBI agent, Terry Mullin. Terry, this is Brick Paver and that’s my husband, Ouray,” Luna introduces us.
The man’s handshake is firm and his face somber.
“Brick?”
“Road name. My driver’s license says Ernest.”
The slight flick of his eyes at Luna tells me he’s seen the baby’s birth certificate.
“Right. Why don’t we get this over with?”
Without waiting for an answer, he leads the way inside. I’ve been here before, but that was for Momma’s funeral last year. This is very different. We follow him down a set of stairs and through large swinging doors into a hallway that reeks of chemicals and death. My stomach recoils and as if he could feel it too, Ouray’s hand grabs onto my shoulder again.
This sterile place, all white tile and stainless steel, is not where I want to imagine my baby girl, but one look at the sheet-covered body and I know in my bones it’s my Kelsey.
A woman in a white coat stands beside the gurney and reaches for the sheet.
“Are you ready, Mr. Paver?” the agent asks me, and I feel Ouray’s fingers tighten.
I nod.
My eyes stay focused on the beautiful blonde hair she inherited from her mother for a long time, until I finally force my gaze lower.
So pale. Her skin is almost translucent. I involuntarily take a step closer. Despite the marks where I suspect glass may have cut her, she looks peaceful. Beautiful, even now.
“That’s Kelsey,” I whisper.
“We’ll give you a minute.”
I hear feet shuffling out of the room, but when I feel Ouray’s hand retreat, I quickly cover it with mine. I need someone to hold me up. He squeezes my shoulder in understanding.
As I stand here, looking at her, I wonder if she knows the depth of my regret. The span of my pain. I’m not a religious person, but I hope and pray with everything I am she is with her mother now.
My tears blur her face and I bend down and kiss her forehead. The first kiss I’ve given her in eight
een years and her skin is cold.
“Swear I’ll look after your boy, baby girl. I’ll do right by him, as God is my witness.”
_______________
I walk up to the crib and meet the blue eyes of my grandson.
He’s beautiful like his momma, but darker, like me. He looks up at me with curiosity as I take stock of the cuts on his little body.
“Hey, Little Man,” I rumble, and his eyes blink a few times, startled at the sound. “Can I touch him?” I ask the nurse who let me in.
She smiles at me. “Yes, you can. Like I said, he’s feeling a lot better now that he’s nice and toasty and has his belly full. If you’d like, you can take a seat and I’ll hand him to you? It’s time for his bottle.”
She must be worried I’ll keel over, which isn’t beyond the realm of possibilities. I’m spinning.
Once I’m seated, she carries over the baby and I take him from her. So light. Hardly any weight to him yet. I settle him in the crook of my arm as she hands me the bottle. His eyes never leave my face, like he’s trying to study me. Not even when I tease his lips with the nipple and he eagerly latches on.
“Brother…” Ouray sticks his head in the door. “I’m just gonna run Luna home and then I’ll come back. Is there anything you need?”
“Lisa.”
It’s the first time I think of her since running out of her house, but her name is also the first thing that comes mind.
“Give me an hour to get things sorted back at the clubhouse and I’ll bring Lisa with me.”
I nod. Then I put my head back when the nurse files out behind Ouray, leaving me alone with my grandson.
Lisa
My head barely hits the pillow when I can hear knocking at my door.
My first thought is Brick has come back.
I haven’t heard from him since he left earlier tonight, but when eleven o’clock came and went, I had to get some sleep. I have my appointment with the cardiologist in the morning, and if I am to head back to the clubhouse in the afternoon, I’ll need my rest.
I slip on my robe and pad down the stairs. The figure on my step is not Brick, it’s Ouray, and instantly red flags go up as I yank open the door.
“Sorry to catch you so late,” he says.
“Is something wrong with Brick?”
“Yes and no. Can I come in for a second?”
Twenty minutes later we’re on our way to the hospital, Wapi staying with my kids. My mind is still trying to process what Ouray told me. Brick has a daughter—had—and apparently I wasn’t the only one in the dark. No one in the club had known. He has a grandson too, and not even Brick had known about the baby.
My heart breaks for him and when Ouray said he’d asked for me, I was dressed and ready to go in minutes. Not that I have any idea what to do for him.
“How old is the baby?”
“Almost three months.”
“How badly was he hurt?” I’d like to know before I walk in the room. I can handle a lot of things, but I have a hard time seeing innocent children hurt. I’d need to mentally prepare for that.
“He just has a few scratches on his body from flying glass. Little guy was lucky. The CBI agent said they estimate the accident happened sometime in the twenty-four hours before they were found. The baby was dehydrated and cold.”
I blink back the tears, thinking about what might have happened to that poor little thing if they hadn’t found the car when they did.
“Did she suffer?”
I feel Ouray’s eyes on me right before his hand covers mine.
“We won’t know for sure until they do the autopsy, which is scheduled for tomorrow, but from what I understand it’s likely she died quickly.”
“I hope so,” I whisper, wishing for Brick’s sake they would be able to at least give him that.
I follow Ouray down the long halls when we get there, until he stops outside a room. I look in through the window and see Brick sitting in a chair, eyes closed, the baby cuddled against his shoulder.
“You go ahead, I’ll be in the waiting room.”
I toss Ouray a grateful smile before quietly pushing the door open.
Not quietly enough apparently, Brick’s eyes pop open, red-rimmed and filled with a pain I recognize all too well. He reaches out a hand for me and I grab hold, letting him pull me right up to his side. He doesn’t let go.
“Look at that beautiful little boy,” I whisper, stroking the fingers of my other hand over the baby’s back. “Do you know his name?”
“Finn,” he answers, his voice cracking as he leans his head against my stomach.
My hand immediately goes to his hair, running my fingers through the strands.
“That’s a good name.”
“She called a few days ago—Kelsey. First time in eight years I heard her voice.” I keep stroking his head, willing him to keep talking. “She didn’t say much, only that she was on her way to see me. I never even knew she had a child. It’s fuckin’ unreal.”
“You’re holding him. He’s real.”
He lifts his head and tilts it up at me.
“You’re crying.”
“My heart hurts for you,” I tell him honestly, but I notice him startle.
He suddenly gets up.
“Sit.” When I don’t move right away, he says, “Please sit down, I’ll grab another chair. Are you okay holding him?”
“My name Lisa?”
Like I would say no to holding a little one. I take a seat and hold out my arms, noting how carefully he handles the baby.
“I’m afraid to let go of him.”
The baby doesn’t seem to wake when I cradle him in one arm, and stroke Brick’s face with my hand.
“I’ll keep him safe.”
He looks down on me, his eyes solemn.
“I know. That’s why I asked for you.” He straightens up and walks to the door before turning around. “Is Ouray around?”
“Waiting room.”
“Good. I’m gonna need his help.”
He opens the door when I call him back.
“Brick? What do you need help with?”
“Child Protective Services will be here in the morning.”
“What for?”
“Making sure I’m fit to look after him, I guess.”
I feel instantly protective.
“Of course you are,” I assure him.
“I live in a room in the clubhouse of an MC, was always good enough for me, but it could be argued it’s not a good place for a baby.”
“Then tell them you live with me.”
I’m not sure what prompts me to say it, and I certainly have no idea how it comes across, but now that it’s out there I’m not taking it back. I tilt my chin up, bracing myself for him to laugh in my face.
He doesn’t. Instead he lets go of the door and walks back over, crouching in front of me.
“Last thing I wanna do is take you for granted, but I was hoping you could help me with him. Been a long time since I dealt with a baby.” He falls silent for a minute, his head tilting to one side as he scrutinizes my face. “Do you mean it?”
“Wouldn’t’a said it otherwise.”
He lowers his forehead to my knees and I hear him sigh.
“I shouldn’t put this on you. You have enough on your plate.”
My free hand goes back to his hair, the tips of my fingers stroking the hairline at the base of his skull.
“You didn’t. I offered.”
We sit like that for a few minutes when a nurse walks in, and Brick straightens before standing up.
“I just need to do vitals,” she says, looking from Brick to me and back.
“This is Lisa, my woman.”
I swallow hard.
The nurse throws me a friendly smile.
“Would you mind putting him in his crib? It’s easier.”
“Sure.” I get up and carry the baby over, laying him down gently. Then I turn to Brick. “Go talk to Ouray and grab an extra chair.”<
br />
“Will you stay with him?”
“Not moving an inch,” I assure him.
With a curt nod and a last look at his grandson, he walks out the door.
CHAPTER 6
Brick
DIDN’T THINK THE first time I’d sleep with Lisa it would be in a couple of recliners in a hospital room beside my grandson’s crib.
Half the night I alternated between watching her and my grandson sleep, before I finally dozed off. I wake up to crying, Finn’s crying. I’m quickly by his bedside and lift him in my arms before he wakes Lisa up as well, but when I turn with him in my arms, I see she has her eyes open and is watching us.
“Go back to sleep, Sugar.”
She smiles sweetly and closes her eyes again. We talked quite bit before she fell asleep at around two this morning, and I’m sure she’s still tired. I fed the baby around three and eventually dozed off as well.
I’d sent Ouray home earlier, didn’t see the need for him to hang around the hospital. He said to call him when we’re ready to come home. He also promised to get in touch with his contact in Child Protective Services. He deals with the CPS fairly regularly in regard to the boys the club fosters.
I’m just changing Finn’s diaper since it was soaked through—a skill I apparently retained over the years—when the door opens and a new nurse sticks her head in. I put my finger to my lips, indicating Lisa. She slips into the room and steps up beside me.
“Want me to get his bottle?” she whispers.
“Please.”
Twenty minutes later Finn is dozing off in my arms, his bottle empty, when Lisa stirs.
“How is he?”
“His belly’s full and he’s asleep, so I’m guessing pretty good.”
I watch as she stretches with her arms over her head. Another fantasy I’d envisioned much differently.
“What time is it?”
“Coming up on eight.”
She suddenly shoots out of her chair.
“Where’s the bathroom? I have to get cleaned up. My appointment with the cardiologist is at eight thirty.”
Shit. I’d totally forgotten about that and immediately feel guilty.
Something must’ve shown on my face because she leans down, her face in mine.
“Don’t. I know where your mind’s goin’ and I’ll have none of that.”