I hadn’t been able to speak to Ami and Baba before I left and neither of them had mastered the text function on their mobiles. They were excited about my trip when I saw them at the weekend, and had given me a shopping list of pain rubs, and other medications for various ailments and Tom had said that he would check in on them.
Harry’s plane was delayed in Houston, so we couldn’t go through the pitch one last time. He said that he’d meet me at the client’s offices, but if he was late, I should go ahead and present by myself.
Alone???? I texted.
Yes. You will be fine. That’s an order.
Fifty-Nine
The pitch was over. Harry and I burst out laughing as we stood outside the client’s offices near Bryant Park. He high-fived me and then I fist-bumped him.
‘Very nicely done, Fi.’
I was still buzzing. Harry had arrived just as I was doing the Q & A and I had introduced the client, Max, to Harry, rather than the other way around. Max had just sold his company and had millions to invest. Once I’d started presenting the slides, I didn’t feel afraid. I put my skills of pretence to good use, acting as if I had been doing this for years.
‘Are you tired?’ asked Harry, loosening his tie.
I shook my head. I wanted to savour the excitement and success, the feeling of having confidence in my work again, for the first time in years.
I also felt as if a huge burden had been lifted. I was almost there with my targets to get the bonus. I couldn’t wait to give my parents their money back.
‘I’m not tired at all!’ I smiled.
‘Me neither. Let’s have a drink to celebrate. It would be good to jot down a couple of things they mentioned just now about their investment plans.’
I didn’t want the celebrations to end either, and as it would be a working celebration, I relaxed. I knew without doubt that he would have done the same if Ivan or David had been with him on this trip instead of me.
At his hotel, Harry led me into a dark, windowless room with low lighting and red velvet sofas. The walls were mirrored in smoky reflections of us everywhere I looked and a woman played the piano in one corner, humming tunes rather than singing them, the sounds vibrating along the room. She had an auburn pixie cut and white breasts under a red slip dress. She swayed hypnotically as she played.
‘Wow!’ I said, my head swivelling at everything as the hostess led us to a table at the back, even though the bar was mostly empty.
‘Your usual, Harry?’ she said.
‘Champagne, please, Maggie, we’re celebrating. Is that OK, Fi?’
‘I’ll have one glass, thank you. After that, it has to be Coke Zero if you don’t mind. I already had my one glass limit with Max but as it’s a special occasion…’
I wished I could get something to eat as well. As if he’d read my mind, he said, ‘How about some chips? Or something more refined?’
‘Chips would be awesome. I’m so hungry – but I was too embarrassed to ask!’
‘No one ever gets to eat properly at these work things. Chips and Moët it is, then.’
‘Would you please excuse me for a minute? I just want to check on the children before it gets too late in London,’ I said.
I went into the lobby, relieved to get a signal, and called Tom. It was only around 11 p.m. I couldn’t wait to tell him how I had presented alone and won the pitch.
‘Hi! How is everything?’ I said.
‘Fine, fine. Why are you calling from our personal mobile? You know it costs a fortune. Use your work phone.’
‘You’re right, but that battery died and I really wanted to tell you about the pitch. It went really well, darling! Harry was late and so I had to do it all by myself but the clients loved it and I got the account! Harry says—’
‘That’s great.’
He spoke without emotion, as if eager to get off the call.
I started to get angry.
‘You could be happy for me.’
‘I’m very happy, OK? I wish I had time to chat about what Harry says but it’s late and you’re wasting money using this phone.’
‘Why are you being such a shit?’
I hung up with tears in my eyes. How long would I have to keep on trying and trying with him? What was the point? What kind of a marriage did we have if it had unravelled so quickly? I was perched on the arm of a sofa in the foyer and hadn’t noticed that Harry had come up to me. I hoped he hadn’t heard anything.
‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing. Is everything OK?’
‘Can we please not talk about it?’
I tried to compose myself.
‘Sure, sure. I believe there’s a bottle of champagne with our names on it. We also need to plan the strategy. I’m interviewing the niece of a friend from Oxford tomorrow, who wants an internship. Do you think you could spare an hour to interview her with me?’
‘Sure, happy to,’ I said, as we walked back to the bar.
I started to feel more in control as he carried on talking about some upcoming meetings in London.
I tried to forget the phone call and felt better with the first sip of the champagne. Usually, my inbuilt Pakistani guilt wouldn’t let me have more than one glass. That night though, I didn’t say anything as Harry poured me another, even though my head was already light from having a glass of wine with the clients
The waitress arrived with a steaming bowl of chips.
‘So, what do you think our global strategy should be for Max?’
We ate the chips and in-between sips of champagne, brainstormed investment options. Once we finished, I leaned back into the embrace of the soft velvet chair and closed my eyes. I felt a languid sense of peace, as if my mind had shut down.
‘What a day,’ I said.
‘I don’t want to pry, and you don’t have to answer, but is everything OK at home?’
I looked at him.
‘Yes. No. Oh, I don’t know! All our conversations end in some kind of an argument these days. It’s not Tom’s fault, I know he’s under a lot of stress but then so am I…’
I couldn’t tell him that every time Tom spoke to me lately, it broke my heart. That I was becoming increasingly scared that our marriage wouldn’t survive. I had thought that nothing could shake us. I thought I’d defied my childhood, and Farrah’s pessimism about our ability to have successful marriages. What if what I had believed was compatibility and closeness was simply rubbing along nicely because we were busy with the children and nothing really bad had happened to us before now?
I wondered if Tom had only been caring and loving because I made such an effort to be perfect. When he got home from work, the children had been fed and watered, their problems already solved, by me. I was ready, with lipstick and Aqua di Parma, and dinner a deux accompanied by roses from the garden and a relaxing candle. I brushed away most disagreements, happy to give in to him. We had never argued like my parents because I had never let us argue. Until now.
‘He seems to be a different person,’ I said.
‘Listen, I might be completely wrong here, but as your friend I have to mention this. Do you think he might be having an affair? I saw this happen with my friend. He was the one who cheated, but he lashed out at his wife, making her feel as if she’d done something wrong.’
‘No! Tom would never do that to me.’
I shook my head several times, but inside I wasn’t so sure. The old Tom, my Tom, would never have done that, but recently he had hurt me in lots of ways I could never have imagined. I didn’t feel as certain as I tried to sound.
I shifted and the flap of my silk wrap dress slipped a little, exposing my thigh. Harry’s eyes glanced at my leg then came back to my face.
‘Good, because you don’t deserve that. You’re one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met.’
I swallowed. His eyes were moving over my whole face and it felt as if his fingertips were stroking my skin. I looked down.
‘You’re probably right,’ he sighed.
‘He’s acting like this because of the stress. I do understand what that can do to a marriage. My daughter Amber’s had an eating disorder for two years and Julia and I haven’t coped well with it. We’ve ended up arguing about how we should handle it, instead of pulling together. It’s like we’ve suddenly become enemies.’
‘I’m so sorry. How is Amber now?’ I asked.
I could see the pain etched across his face, a look I’d never seen before, as if he had taken off a mask and set it aside. I knew that feeling of helplessness from Ahmed’s illness. Just as he was about to reply, my phone started to buzz. We both looked down at it. It was Tom.
‘Go ahead, answer it,’ said Harry.
He sat up a little straighter, turning the strap of his watch around between his fingers.
I shook my head. ‘It can wait.’
Tom was probably calling to offer a half-hearted apology but I wasn’t ready to hear it yet. He had hurt me. This pitch had been such a huge success for me and he of all people knew how nervous I had been and how hard I had been working on it.
I thought of the countless times he’d called me over the years, to tell me about a deal he’d won, or a promotion or job offer. I had always whooped in delight, told him how proud I was and had been as happy for him as I would have been for myself. I wasn’t going to let him off so easily this time. The phone stopped buzzing, then started again, until eventually it shuddered to a standstill.
A text flashed up: Call me.
‘I’m sorry about this!’ I said.
I turned the phone off and dropped it into my bag.
Who did Tom think he was? Half an hour ago it was ‘too late’ for me to call him and then, when he felt like unburdening his guilty conscience, he started harassing me.
I turned to face Harry.
‘Marriage, huh?’ he said.
‘Seriously! Did you know that twenty years, the time I’ve been married, is the equivalent of a life term in prison? Surely, I should be allowed some time off for good behaviour? A sabbatical?’ I said, smiling, trying to lighten the mood.
‘I think I should get one too. We’ve been married fifteen years. We got married when Amber was two. I was waiting for my divorce from my first wife to come through.’
Julia had never mentioned an ex-wife and I didn’t think anyone knew that Harry had been married before.
‘It turned out well, though, because we had Amber there with us as our flower girl,’ he said, smiling at the memory.
‘How is she doing? I won’t say a word to anyone, of course.’
He was quiet for a while, as if deciding whether to say anything.
‘I know that, Fi, I trust you. It’s just painful to talk about. She’s better, but no one can tell us how the future will pan out. I don’t know if she’ll be able to go to university or get a job or get married, have children.’
My chest tightened. Poor girl. I didn’t know what to say. I’d had no idea and I didn’t think Sofia or the other girls knew either.
Harry spun his phone around and around on the table and lowered his eyelids, so that his dark lashes brushed against his cheeks.
‘I haven’t spoken about it to anyone before tonight. I don’t want to put a downer on your celebration, though,’ he said.
‘It’s fine, please,’ I said.
I reached out and put my hand on his, to reassure him. Before I could move it away, he turned his hand so that our palms were touching. His fingers slipped through mine and gave a quick squeeze.
‘Thank you,’ he said.
The moment to move our hands apart came and went. Neither of us made the first move to do so. He looked at me. I could feel the hairs on my arms shiver.
The waitress came up and I moved my hand into my lap.
‘We’re having a laser light show on the rooftop starting in a few minutes, if you’re interested?’ said the waitress, clearing away our empty glasses.
‘I love those!’ I said and stood up.
I hadn’t wanted to move my hand away and it had scared me, so it was best if we left the table.
‘Laser show it is then.’ Harry smiled. ‘You do get excited about the strangest things.’
‘I’m easily pleased,’ I smiled. ‘I laugh at your jokes, don’t I?’
‘Hey!’
We laughed as we walked to the lift; the moment had passed and I took a deep breath, grateful for the narrow escape.
When the lift door shut, Harry moved so he was standing in front of me. I stepped back a little and looked down. When he spoke, his voice was deeper, with no hint of a smile.
‘Fi, we need to talk about what just happened.’
Sixty
I had to look up. My heart was racing. I didn’t know what to say. The green specks in his eyes flickered and I looked back down at my hands which were clasped together. He carried on speaking.
‘When I held your hand just now, I didn’t want to let go. I don’t want to be disrespectful, but I think you felt it too. I love the time we spend together. I don’t have to pretend with you. I can be myself. It felt so good to finally talk about Amber. I really like you.’
He took my hand and held it. I knew I should pull it away but it was as if I was paralysed. It felt good, and I didn’t want to stop feeling like that. He had been so kind, had trusted me enough to open up about his daughter. If I heard any doubts, I silenced them. This was just a moment, one single moment in twenty years.
My stomach somersaulted but I wasn’t sure if that was the lift shooting up to the rooftop or the fact that Harry was squeezing my hand tight and it felt as if that was how it was meant to be. I realised how much I missed the affection and attention that Tom had withdrawn. His love had been everything, all my happiness and all my protection. The best part of my day was going to sleep next to him and seeing his face when I woke up. Now, all that was gone and I was left wondering if it had been as solid as I had believed. As Harry squeezed my hand, my sadness about Tom was pushed out of my mind. I felt Harry’s skin on mine and I let myself forget everything else.
The lift doors opened straight onto the terrace, and I stepped into the warm, dark night. As we stood amongst the crowd, Harry moved his hand to my back, just above my waist. His fingertips lingered and started stroking my back. I refused to think about what was happening. My breaths came faster and I was grateful for the noise and the dark, so he couldn’t see.
The show started, and blades of neon pink, blue and green criss-crossed the sky, as if fighting each other. The music pounded and Harry moved his arm to circle my waist, singing along to a David Bowie song. He knew all the words and told me to join in, and soon we were singing at the top of our lungs. We craned our necks to look up at the lights and then down at the skyscrapers glittering below. I felt as if we were on a spaceship, hurtling away from reality.
There was a sudden surge of people behind us and Harry’s arm tightened around me.
‘Let’s move back a little,’ he shouted above the music and led me away from the crowd. He was still holding my hand as we stood back from the others, in the shadows. He tipped up my chin with two fingertips.
‘I’ve never met anyone like you, Fi, I think I’m falling for you.’
‘Harry, I like you too, but we’re friends…’
‘I know, I know. But tell me honestly, doesn’t it feel good when we spend time together? I can’t talk like this to anyone else, not even Julia. I know you felt the same downstairs. What were the chances that you and I would ever meet and get close like this? If you and Tom are that good together, then why are you standing here with me?’
He was right about everything. He did make me feel good, I looked forward to seeing him every day. I didn’t know what to think. I took a step back until I was leaning against the wall.
He came to stand in front of me and put his hands on the wall either side of me but made no attempt to touch me. I looked up into his eyes. He didn’t move. I was breathing fast, watching his mouth. He started to bring his face towards mine, a
s if in slow motion. I closed my eyes and then he was kissing me. He kept his hands on the wall and I started to kiss him back, feeling his mouth, arching towards him. My head started to spin. His arms went around me and we kept kissing. He parted my lips with his, pushed his tongue gently into my mouth and squeezed my breast. My eyes snapped open. What was I doing? I saw Tom’s face and imagined him seeing me with Harry. It would break him. I loved Tom. I knew that. I pulled away and put my hands up against Harry’s chest.
‘What is it? Do you want to go to my room?’ he whispered, breathing into my face, stroking my hair, and pushing it back gently. He gazed into my eyes.
I shook my head. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t do this.’
I pushed him away and stepped into the middle of the rooftop.
‘What?’ He looked confused.
‘I love my husband, Harry,’ I gasped, and covered my face with my hands.
‘If you love Tom, then what just happened with us? You know you wouldn’t have kissed me unless you felt something. Fi, I want to be with you and I know you want it too. We can’t ignore how we feel.’
I opened my eyes. His face was lit up by the flashing lights of the laser show and I could see that he was smiling. His fingers touched my cheek. I took a step back. His hand fell away. He frowned.
‘I’m married. It’s wrong. And it would kill Tom if he ever found out. I can’t do this, Harry. I think we both got carried away.’
His smile vanished and he glared at me. He shouted above the music but I thought he would have shouted even if we had been in a silent room.
‘You were also married five minutes ago when you had your tongue in my mouth! What’s changed suddenly?’
It was as if his features had rearranged themselves. He didn’t even look like himself as he spat out his words.
‘Were you just leading me on? I thought you were different, but you’re nothing but a fucking prick-tease!’
I turned and ran. The lift was around the corner. I waited, pressing all the buttons repeatedly. I hoped he wouldn’t follow me. He didn’t.
Would I Lie to You? Page 22