‘No thanks. I’m good,’ he said.
He called out to the boys as they left the kitchen. ‘Be ready in ten minutes, boys. We don’t want to be late for football.’
Tom stayed away from me all day. If I passed him, he moved aside and I started to feel afraid. What if, despite his regrets about not being there for me all these months, he realised that he couldn’t forgive me after all? Maybe he was just staying to make sure that I was OK until the Harry situation was resolved?
Tom wouldn’t look at me or speak to me, but he was cheerful with the children and I realised how much he had become involved in their lives. He knew which times table Alex had to learn for his test on Monday and discussed Ahmed’s fantasy football strategy, something I had never been able to understand. Sofia told me that he had helped Meg to tell her parents that she was afraid she had an STD. He had talked to Meg, when Sofia told him how terrified Meg was that she had an infection but was just as afraid of her parents finding out.
‘It’s all sorted now. Her parents are fine and she’s been checked out but Dad was so cool. He didn’t get angry, but just talked to Meg and calmed her down.’
I shook my head, wondering how I could have missed all this.
‘That’s why I was spending so much time with her. I had to go to the hospital with her that day I came home late and you were so angry with me. She thought she had Aids.’
‘I wish you’d told me.’
‘It’s OK, Mum, you were working – and Dad was here.’
That evening, when I laid the table, I took some roses from the garden and put them in a vase. Ahmed, now taller than me, was helping me to lay the cutlery and at one point he put his arms around me.
‘I love you, Mum,’ he said.
I swallowed back my tears
Tom looked at us, catching my eye as he cut the broccoli. He looked away quickly.
‘Love you too, my darling,’ I said, and stood up on tiptoe and kissed the side of my son’s head.
*
The dinner could not have been more perfect. There was an intense sunset, the type you get in the last days of summer. Sunshine streamed in, falling on the china and the glasses, making everything sparkle. We chatted about Sofia’s university choices and Ahmed’s annual school camping expedition. Alex wanted Ahmed to save all his old clothes for him and asked him if he had something that would fit him now.
‘Mum,’ said Alex, ‘I think I’m getting too old for my Thomas engines. But can we save them? For my children?’
I smiled at Tom and he smiled back. Our eyes locked.
‘Mum, please may I have another crunchy potato!’ Alex demanded my attention.
Perhaps everything could still go back to normal? All being well, I’d have my bonus soon. I’d repay the money in a few weeks, I still had a job, the children were fine, and Tom was back. Everything was perfect – and yet I knew that it wasn’t.
Despite Tom sitting a few feet away from me, I felt we were further apart than ever. Worry burrowed itself into my heart. What if all the time that I was imagining us reuniting, he was planning the opposite? He hadn’t said that he was back for good.
‘Ready for school tomorrow?’ Tom said to the children. ‘I’ve had a great summer with you all. Do you know, this was the first summer holiday I’ve spent at home?’
Sofia got up and hugged Tom from behind. ‘You did good, Dad!’
‘I’m very glad to see you have all grown into kind, mature people. I’m proud of you.’
The children fell silent. Tom never spoke like that.
‘I love you all.’
He was saying goodbye! I put down my fork and took a sip of water to try to swallow my food. Just as I feared, he had come back but realised that it had been a mistake. It felt as if this was the last time that we’d be together like this. The children continued to eat, unaware of what lay ahead.
‘Love you too, Daddy!’ said Alex.
*
After dinner Tom took the children into the living room. I stayed back in the hallway and peeked in. He was hugging all three of them at the same time, and I felt uneasy as I watched them. Something was wrong about the scene in front of me. He was holding them as if he was never going to see them again.
Eighty-Four
That night Tom and I both lay awake in the dark, lying on our backs. He started to speak.
‘Why didn’t you just tell me you needed more money?’
‘I just didn’t want us arguing. I was scared you’d get angry and I hate it when you’re angry with me. We were so happy. I didn’t want to spoil things,’ I said.
‘You were scared of me?’ he said.
‘I was scared of us fighting. It was stupid, I know.’
He was silent and then sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise that you couldn’t talk to me.’
‘You would’ve been right to be angry, Tom,’ I said.
He didn’t say any more and it felt as if there was nothing left to say.
When he was asleep, snoring softly, facing away from me, I slid across the bed and moulded myself into him. I held him close, pressed my lips gently to his back through his white T-shirt and breathed him in. He didn’t move and I wondered if he was, in fact, asleep, or just pretending, allowing me to hold him one last time.
The next morning his leg was thrown over mine and he was holding me. I smiled, warm and groggy, and it took a few seconds before I remembered. I curled my hand around his arm and he tightened his grip. I turned to face him and he pulled me closer. I held my breath. He had forgiven me! He kissed the top of my head and I put my hand between us, finding the waistband of his pyjama bottoms, but his hand clamped onto my wrist.
‘No.’
He rolled away and got up.
‘I have a meeting in the City this morning. We might go for lunch too, so I’ve asked Martha to pick up the boys this afternoon. I’d better get ready.’
I started to get dressed for work too. I didn’t understand what was happening. He’d held me, then moved away. He hadn’t left me, but nor was he with me.
He was in his suit, putting on his Hermes tie, as I got ready to leave.
‘Just tell Sergio everything,’ he said. ‘Do it as soon as you get in. Harry’s dangerous – he needs to be reported for assault. We’ll go to the police together. If I ever see him…’
‘I’m scared. What if I lose my job?’ I said.
‘I don’t know. We need to sort out our finances quickly. There’s nothing left in the account and all the bills are due – the school fees are already late – and it will take some time to sell the house. I know how hard you’ve tried to put things right, Faiza. It’s not all your responsibility. I should have got a job by now. I know I’ve failed you all.’
He pulled me close.
‘No, Tom. You’ve been amazing. This is all my fault.’
‘I should never have let you get into this mess: Harry, the loans, all of it. I should have protected you.’
He fell silent.
‘Tom… We’re OK now though, right? You’re not going to divorce me, are you?’
His arms tightened around me, but he didn’t reply.
I closed my eyes and sank into him.
‘I love you, Tom,’ I said.
‘I have always loved you. Remember that.’
His anger had gone but, in its place, there was a subdued melancholy, which was worse. His words were dull and his arms felt like dead weights.
‘That’s all that matters, Tom. I mean I know we’re broke but…’
‘I’m working on that,’ he said. ‘I think there’s a way we can solve our money problems. I’d do anything for the children, you know I’d give my life for them…’ He turned away, putting his watch on.
‘Are we OK?’
‘I’d better wake everyone up. Good luck with Sergio.’
His voice was a monotone, his eyes empty. They were not a dark angry blue, or a worried swirl of blues and brown, or a resigned calm blue. They looked almost colou
rless, as if all the life had drained from them, as if he had disconnected.
On my way to work, I kept picturing the expression on his face that morning. It was one I had never seen before. I tried to push the thought away but I knew it was true: he had made up his mind. It was over.
Eighty-Five
On the train, I tried to rehearse what I’d tell Sergio. I had to tell him everything and play him the tape.
When I entered the office, I could tell something was wrong. People stood around in groups and were not at their desks. Hushed chatter rippled through the air instead of the usual morning banter. I saw three police officers coming out of the Dragon’s office. What if Harry was angry that I hadn’t replied to his text? If he’d told Sergio his lies about me, had the directors called the police to arrest me? I sank down on my chair and started to scratch the eczema on my hand.
Ivan leaned across and whispered, ‘They’re looking for Harry.’
The police officers were walking towards our desk, along with the Dragon who waved at me, calling me over.
I felt my heart thumping as I walked towards them, trying not to show my panic. One of the policemen held a tiny notebook, his pencil poised.
‘Can you please tell me your name and address?’ he asked.
I couldn’t speak.
‘She works with me. Fi, I mean Faiza, Saunders.’
Sergio had appeared next to me.
‘When did you last see Harry Wentworth?’
‘Friday evening, at a client dinner,’ I said.
They asked if I’d heard from Harry since then, but they didn’t arrest me and I sat back down in my chair, feeling the sweat under my bra.
‘Harry’s been taking money from the company. Looks like he’s done a runner,’ said Teresa.
If they were investigating Harry, it would only be a matter of time before they came across my email.
I wanted to call Tom, but he was probably in his meeting. I was holding my phone, debating whether to text him, when Harry’s name popped up on my screen. He was calling. I went to the ladies and called him back.
‘Thank God,’ he said. ‘I need your help. Please don’t tell anyone, don’t tell the police. I have something for my daughters. Can you meet me in Costa by St Paul’s? I don’t have long.’
‘What have you done? The place is crawling with police.’
‘Please help me, Fi. I’ve got letters for my daughters and I’m not sure Julia will give them to Amber and Elle.’
I was silent.
‘Please! Look, I’ll write a letter to Sergio to tell him that I tricked you.’
If he could give me something to clear myself, I had to get it. ‘OK,’ I said.
I told Ivan and Sergio that I had an eye test and I’d be back in an hour. The Dragon was now leading the police back into her office.
Eighty-Six
In Costa, I stood by Harry’s table.
‘Sit down for a minute,’ he said.
He was dressed as normal, down to his silver cufflinks, but his face was grey and drained of blood.
‘No.’
He handed me two white envelopes.
‘I know I’ll be arrested soon – if the irate clients don’t catch up with me first. I’d be safer in custody,’ he laughed, then stopped abruptly. ‘I’ve written a letter for each of my daughters.’
‘I’ll make sure they get these,’ I said.
You deserve everything you get, I thought, but I didn’t say it. I wanted to get away from him as soon as I could and never see him again. I kept looking at the door, afraid the police had followed me.
‘My letter?’
He handed me a piece of paper and I read it quickly. It said clearly that he had tricked me into giving him the information and that he was blackmailing me. It was signed and dated.
‘Thank you.’
I put everything in my bag and, without saying another word, ran out.
I started walking back to the office as fast as I could. The police might still be there. I’d tell them I’d spotted Harry at Costa and where to find him. My legs suddenly felt shaky though and I had to sit down in a café. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen Harry for what he was. My phone buzzed. It was a text from Tom. I read it quickly.
Did everything go OK with Sergio?
Yes, all good thanks.
I’d tell him the details later. He replied with a thumbs-up emoji.
Then I sent another text, even though he was already offline.
I love you Tom.
I doubted that he would reply, even when he turned his phone back on. I knew he still cared what happened to me, but that didn’t mean we were OK. I was the mother of his children and Tom would always look out for me, even if he didn’t love me. He was that kind of man.
As I was about to go into my building, Sam called. She spoke in such a rush that I couldn’t understand anything she was saying. Her voice trembled and she didn’t sound like herself. All I could hear was panic. I wondered if something had happened to her mother.
She spoke between gasps. ‘James’s stormed off to see Rupert. He was so angry. He said he was going to kill him. What if he does something to him?’
I stopped walking and someone bumped into me from behind. I stepped out of the way.
‘Of course he won’t. I’m sure they’ll have words but nothing else. Take a breath,’ I said.
‘You don’t understand, Faiza! I’ve never seen him like this. Rupert called and said he was going to tell their parents about James’s job. James just lost it and stormed out, shouting he was going to teach Rupert a lesson.’
‘Oh no!’ I said.
‘James has been under a lot of stress at work. I knew he was having issues with his boss, but I didn’t realise how bad things were until Lizzie’s party. He broke down and told me they’ve demoted him, and taken away his office! I had no idea. If his parents find out about all this, it will destroy him.’
‘Poor James. I’m so sorry, Sam.’
‘He’s not answering his phone. I’m so worried.’
‘Listen! James’s never done anything violent in his life – you know that. I’m sure he’ll just go and have a huge row with Rupert and then come home. The work stuff is awful, and so is his family, but he knows he has your support and you love him. I’m sure it will be all right.’
‘I hope so,’ she said. ‘I’ll keep trying his phone.’
Eighty-Seven
By the time I got back to the office I felt completely drained. Poor James; the prestige and status of his job were so much part of him. And poor Sam, sitting alone in her office, trying to keep her husband safe.
As soon as I sat down, Ivan said, ‘Harry’s been spotted. The police just left.’
I felt a rush of relief.
‘Good. Where’s Sergio?’
‘Out for meetings then a client lunch,’ said Ivan.
Until I told Sergio about Harry and cleared everything up, I couldn’t relax. I wanted to tell the police exactly where I had ‘spotted’ Harry. I sent them an email, and also described what he was wearing. I hoped the details might help them catch him. I was grateful that I had to do a presentation for a team meeting. It kept me busy while I waited to see Sergio. I was in the glass conference room to the side of the open-plan office with Ivan, Teresa and David, writing up sales figures on a flip chart, when there was a commotion outside. Marianne, one of the secretaries, was sitting sobbing on a chair and a few people were standing around her. We all went out. Marianne spoke between sobs.
‘He fell right past me. Oh God! The sound when he landed on the ground!’
Someone handed her a tissue.
‘What’s happened?’ I asked the man standing next to me.
‘Marianne was getting coffee from the arcade near Bank and a man jumped from The Cinq. He fell right past her. She’d be dead, too, if he’d hit her.’
‘He died?’ I said.
Andrea from HR joined in.
‘That poor man and his family.’
‘Do you think it’s Harry?’ someone asked. ‘The police said he was spotted near Bank this morning but then disappeared. It could be him.’
Several people gasped.
‘Well, he would never take to being banged up.’
‘No, he loves himself too much to kill himself,’ someone else said.
‘He did fleece some very powerful people,’ said David, his face uncharacteristically sombre.
There was some nervous laughter, but people also looked worried and it was a possibility. Harry had looked frightened earlier. I thought about the letters he’d given me, and how he’d begged me to make sure his daughters got them. What if that was what he’d been planning? Despite everything, I didn’t wish him dead.
The Dragon came and put her arm around Marianne.
‘Are you OK?’
Marianne nodded. She wiped her constant tears with the tissue. ‘Oh God, what if it was Harry?’
The Dragon looked at us. ‘I’ve just had his wife on the phone. She’s hysterical.’
My phone started to buzz. For a second, I wondered if it was Harry again and he was OK. It was Sam.
I stepped away from the group.
‘Did you find James?’ I asked.
‘Someone’s jumped from a building right next to Rupert’s office!’ She was gasping, talking too fast. ‘What if it’s James? There’s something I didn’t tell you. After Lizzie’s party, he told me he had a sort of mini breakdown. They called it work-related stress but his boss had been bullying him, humiliating him for months. The GP sent him for counselling, but he was too ashamed to tell me. That’s when you saw him at the hospital. His career is over and he thinks he’s going to lose his parents. He said he was going to teach Rupert a lesson, but what if he meant…?’
My mouth was dry, but I tried to calm Sam.
‘Sam, there’s no reason to suspect anything like that! Did he even go to Rupert? Have you called him? Where is Rupert’s office?’
‘It’s in Tower Twenty. That’s where this man jumped. I just saw it on the news.’
My heart was racing. I had a flash of Sam and James with their children at a barbeque at our house, all of them squeezed together on one sofa. I asked her to call Rupert first and I’d try to find out exactly where the suicide had been.
Would I Lie to You? Page 29