by Angel Lawson
“He tried,” Hawk says, chiming in, “but Theo was too wasted and was convinced he was at the Mexican restaurant two doors down. Mr. Keller locked up the shop, walked Theo down to the restaurant and bought him a burrito just to get him to go away.”
“Hey,” Theo says, cheeks heated from the attention, “there’s nothing more persistent than a junkie needing a fix—even if that fix is a burrito.”
“Look at you now,” Ro says. “I hear you’re the star of the swim team.”
“They let me on,” he says, “although I’m on probation.”
“Gets you out of detention,” Gray says. “Maybe I should join a sport.”
“You could try out for the debate team,” Hawk mutters. “Use those con-man skills for something positive.”
Gray gestures to the table and all the snacks in front of us, including a chocolate pound cake. “Are you saying that my relationship with the kitchen staff doesn’t provide something positive? I mean, if you don’t want delicious treats, then that’s fine. I’ll save it for myself.”
He reaches for the cake as though he’s going to take them all away, but I lunge forward, blocking his way. “Don’t even think about it.”
He tears off a piece of cake with those nimble, long fingers and holds it up to my mouth. “Princess, I’d never deprive you of what I can offer.” I open my mouth and accept the sweet cake, my tongue brushing against his finger tip. I know Gray and I are going on our “date” this weekend, but I really miss the thrill of what we had before—quick and raw.
“Ten minutes to lights out,” Mrs. Reynolds calls out, walking past the lounge. She’s one of the dorm monitors who makes sure we get to our rooms on time, although she’s quick to turn an eye during parties and other sneaking around.
“You think she’s on the Cohen payroll?” Hawk asks as we clean up the table.
“Probably,” Gray says.
“He’s been pretty quiet since we got back,” Rochelle says. “I’ve barely spoken to him at all. He hasn’t had any parties, and his other hustles have gone silent.”
“Maybe a beatdown by the K-Boys taught him a lesson,” Gray brags.
“Or he’s trying to get us to lower our defenses. Make a move later,” Hawk says. “Everyone is too quiet. I figured there’d be some kind of social fallout from what happened before winter break, but for the most part everything’s pretty easy.”
Theo shakes his head. “You’re so paranoid.”
“Someone has to be.”
I grab the garbage and head over to the trashcan. Whatever’s going on with Trip is fine by me. I’m enjoying a little bit of solitude and the ability to just be a normal student for once. Other than Denise and her little crew making comments under their breath, it’s been pretty calm. Theo walks over and tosses a few cans in the recycling bin. A piece of paper falls on the floor, and I pick it up. It’s an envelope with his name and the school’s address on the front.
“Here,” I say, holding it up. “I think this is yours.”
He brushes his hands on his pants, glancing at the envelope and taking it from me. “Oh yeah, thanks.”
Getting mail here is unusual. Gray and Hawk don’t even really have families. My mom sends the occasional letter, which I think are probably encouraged by her program. They’re brief and usually about the program. The lettering on the envelope is written in thick ink and a fancy script.
“It’s an invitation,” he says suddenly. “My grandfather is turning ninety and my mom is having a fancy party.”
“Do you think you’ll go?”
He rubs his forehead. “I’m surprised they invited me. I’m not really sure they want me there. It was probably a mistake.”
“I don’t know,” I say, reaching for the envelope. I pull out the stiff card inside. It’s a formal invitation, printed on fine paper with curly script. It’s on a Saturday night in two weeks at a country club outside of Kingston. “You’ve been doing a lot better lately. Maybe they’ve heard.”
He wrinkles his nose and takes the invitation back. “Maybe, but the last thing I want is to show up and make everyone angry.”
I run my hand down his arm. “You should be proud of your progress, Theo.”
“I am.” He looks down at me and his blue eyes make my heart skip a beat. “I think I need a little more time, you know. Make sure I’m not going to back slide or something.”
It’s not the first time I’ve heard Theo say something like this. He’d told me something similar when we kissed in the pool. I get his hesitation, but something about it feels off, like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop—for him to slip back into bad habits.
“If you need to talk about anything, I’m here, okay?”
He nods. I sense the shame he carries. It’s unnecessary, but maybe it’s part of the process. I know for certain my mother has a few things she should be ashamed about from her days as an addict.
He stuffs the invitation in his pocket and heads back to where the others are waiting by the stairs. I can’t help but hope that Theo doesn’t let the weight of the past get to him and that he can see himself the way that I, and the K-Boys, do: as worthy.
9
Eden
In the week leading up to the bonfire, the back hill and lawn of the school has been transformed into a winter playland, with fake snow blown out by roaring machines, icicles hung on tree limbs, and twinkling lights. The outdoor basketball courts have been turned into a skating rink, complete with a skate rental booth. There’s a slope, long and steep for sledding in tubes, and the bonfire consists of one large fire in the center of the wonderland and smaller pits with seating, s'mores, and gourmet hot chocolate.
And because the children at Sparrowood live in a world of entitlement and privilege, of course it snows the day of the winter bonfire. A perfect dusting, just the right amount to make things fresh without being a nuisance.
These people.
Except, here I am among them in my fleece-lined leggings and puffy down coat. My hat is adorable and matches my scarf and the socks peeking out of my warm boots.
Gray waits for me in the alcove leading to the back lawn, strikingly handsome in a black leather jacket and a dark pair of jeans. He’s wearing a black knitted cap tugged down over his ears that only seems to highlight the sharpness of his jaw and green of his eyes. My stomach flip flops when I see him. This is a date, something I don’t think I’ve ever officially been on before.
People don’t “date” in Kingston. They hookup or fall hard. It’s either a matter of convenience or they get married at eighteen, have a bunch of kids and a lifetime of regret.
Neither option seemed great to me.
But we’re not in Kingston, we’re in a place where overnight they can manufacture a winter wonderland, where three boys that I have been through hell with have found something together, a spark, that has helped me reconcile my past and present.
“Hi,” he says as I walk up. “You look adorable.”
“We both look like we walked out of an outdoor catalogue or something.”
I fuss with my gloves and stand awkwardly in front of him. Other students pass us by, heading out to the event. We’re all clad in hats and coats and gloves and it makes me feel a little invisible. I like it.
“Where the guys?”
“Around,” he says, casually. “I told them you’re mine tonight.”
A chill (not from the cold) runs down my spine, and I cover it by suggesting we head outside into the brisk air down the path toward the sledding hill. Gray chuckles quietly and shakes his head.
“What?” I ask.
“Just thinking about how back home we did whatever we could to stay inside and warm when it got cold, including getting locked up if necessary. Once, I broke into my neighbor’s house to steal their space heater.” He glances around the lawn. “Here, they make special plans to stay outside longer. Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around it, you know?”
“Oh, I know. It’s like being in an alternate
universe,” I tell him, watching our classmates gleefully take in the fun. I point to the top of the hill. “Look.”
Rochelle is at the front of the sledding line, holding a circular disk. With abandon, she holds it in front of her body and lunges forward, propelling down the hill with a huge grin on her face. Her happiness makes me smile.
“Want to give it a try?” he asks, eyebrow disappearing under the bottom of his hat.
I don’t respond, just grab his hand and drag him to the line. He wraps his arms around my waist and holds me tight, keeping me warm as the chill sets in.
“You go first,” I say when we get to the top.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep.” The hill looks a little scary from up here.
He gives me a funny look. “You want me down there to keep you from spinning out of control, don’t you?”
It’s an ironic thing to say, because I’ve felt out of control since this whole thing started, and being near Gray only makes it worse. They make my brain turn to mush and my body light on fire.
Gray leans forward, kisses me on the lips, and plunges down the hill, flying wild with incredible speed. I watch him go, lips tingling, mesmerized by his fearlessness. I want to steal a little for myself.
“You’re holding up the line!” someone down the hill yells. Gray waves at me from the bottom of the hill, encouraging me to go. I pick up the sled and hold it in front of me, like all the kids before me did it.
“Ready,” Gray shouts, cupping his mouth with his hands, “set…go!”
I get a little running start and throw myself on the disc, my weight propelling me forward. The line of people, the twinkling lights, the people working the slope all flash by as I careen down. My cheeks burn from the cold and my feet want to drag the ice like brakes but I start to spin, just like he said, the festival swirling around me.
“Grayyyyyyyyy!” I shout, sensing the bottom of the hill coming fast. I cover my eyes, prepared to crash.
Instead, I come to a jerking stop. Slowly I peel open my eyes and see Gray looking at me, his nose pink and cheeks flushed. “You okay?”
My heart pounds, thrumming with a different sort of adrenaline. “That was epic.”
His gorgeous face is split by a smile. “Want to go again?”
I hold out his hands and he pulls me off the ground, into his arms. “I thought I was going to crash,” I tell him. My mouth his close to his ear.
“I told you, Princess, I’m not going to let you spin out of control—on or off the ice.”
I look into his beaming eyes and tilt my head up, dying for a kiss. He doesn’t make me wait--Gray rarely does--and he kisses me hard right there in the middle of all our classmates and the crazy, fake, winter wonderland. When we part, I’m breathless and for the first time since we landed in this place, I know one thing for sure.
That kiss? It wasn’t fake.
“Okay seriously? These people have to have fancy s'mores too?”
It’s a crazy concoction using an ice cream cone, marshmallows, and chocolate. Obviously, it’s delicious. Gray is on his third one and we’re bundled up on a chair by one of the smoldering firepits under a thick, flannel blanket.
Body heat + chocolate = a perfect heaven.
“You know everything has to be special. God forbid they eat a regular s'more.”
The marshmallow oozes out of the cone and sticks all over my lips. I don’t mind one bit when he leans over and kisses it off.
“You know what would be amazing,” I say.
“What’s that?” He leans his head against the cushion.
“If all kisses tasted like sugar.”
“We’d never stop.”
“Would that be so bad?”
He leans in again, his breath warm and sweet. He’s good at it. Masterful, drawing me out in a leisurely pace that both lulls me into a sense of complacency and sets every nerve in my body on edge.
The only problem is the cloud that’s been hanging over me for weeks now.
“Can I tell you something? It’s at the risk of destroying this sickly sweet, adorably romantic moment?”
“You can tell me anything, anytime you need to.”
“I really do regret what happened with Trip. He got in my head, and I let my issues with my sister taint my good senses.” I look at him. “I’m sorry.”
He holds my eye for a long beat, and I worry I have ruined the moment.
“Princess, none of us has a clean past. We all have regrets and as much as I hate the fact he manipulated you, I don’t have any expectations on your virtue.” He grimaces. “I sure as hell hope you don’t have any on mine, because that ship has long since sailed, if I wanted to or not.”
I frown. “What does that mean?”
“It means terrible things have happened to all of us. I’m not going to judge you. People are takers, especially from the innocent.”
“You had it rough—as a kid?”
“No more than anyone else.”
“It’s not a competition, Gray. It’s okay to say things were shitty for you as a kid.”
“That’s the thing, when I was a kid, things weren’t so bad. I bounced around a lot, but I handled it okay.” This isn’t a surprise. He’s easy-going and charming. “It was when I hit puberty that everything changed.”
“Puberty?” I ask.
His jaw tightens. “This pretty face? It’s a blessing and a curse. People are more likely to give you what you want, but they’re also going to demand more than you want to give.”
A sick feeling unspools in my stomach. “I—”
“Look,” he cuts me off. “The bastards are everywhere, you know? The Luke Fenways and the abusing step-fathers. The shitty pimps that want to make a quick buck and the perverts that jump on you behind the railroad tracks.” He swallows and his Adam’s apple bobs in his pale throat. “That’s why I make it my business to know who is in a building, Eden. It’s why I know all the dark corners and blind spots. It’s why I con before I get conned—or worse.”
I’m overwhelmed by his confession, by his pain.
“I’m so sorry.” I look down at the blanket, the same plaid as my school skirt and the tie the boys wear every day. “I thought when we came here I would be safe from all that, you know? My mother’s creepy boyfriend, the pimps telling me they had information on Hope for a 'price'. I fought so hard to keep my body mine and I get in here and…” I don’t want to say Trip’s name. Not anymore.
A line slashes Gray’s forehead. “Are you saying you’re a virgin?”
Warmth rises up my neck. I stare at the blanket. “Unless what you and I did counts?”
His warm hands slip around my neck, pulling me close so I have to look at him. “No, ma’am it does not.”
“Then yeah, I guess so.”
He swears under his breath and looks around like he’s making sure no one can hear us. We’re the only ones near this fire pit. Most everyone else gave up a while ago for a party on the second floor.
“What?” I ask.
“Don’t tell a soul, do you hear me?”
“I don’t plan on it, but why?”
“If these assholes found out you’re a virgin, they’d redouble their efforts to break you.” He presses his forehead against mine, hand still clamped around my neck. “Promise me something.”
“Okay.”
“When you’re ready, if you’re ready, come to us. Any one of us.” His voice is low, husky, and doing things to every fiber in my being. If this is some ploy to make me want to succumb right now, I’m game.
“I will. I promise.”
He kisses me sweetly, pulling me into his arms, sharing his warmth and comfort. I suspect after what he just revealed, I’m doing the same for him.
10
Gray
Twenty-four hours after our “date,” I stand at the end of the science hall and watch Eden and Rochelle talk outside their classroom. Everything about last night had been perfect. The sledding, the excuse to kiss marsh
mallow off her lips, and the way we snuggled close by the fire. It was surreal—a night of absolute frivolity and privilege. It was pretty damn awesome.
I’d had no intention of telling her about my past—the abuse I’d suffered as a young teen—but it just slipped out. Being with Eden physically had always been easy. The attraction burned between us. I never told anyone about those days, it made me feel weak, like a victim, something I don’t accept. One minute she was apologizing about Trip, and the next she lulled me into a sense of safety. I just hope it doesn’t change how she feels about me.
Down the hall she looks up, catching my eye. Her teeth bite down on her bottom lip but she maintains her focus on her roommate. Eden has always made my body react—always—even back on the streets. But now that I know how she feels, how she tastes, I want more. I think she does, too, but her admission last night, that she’s still a virgin, gives me pause. I’d suspected, but getting through the Park with your virginity intact is a feat. It also puts the Trip situation into a bigger perspective. Eden lost something that day—no, something was stolen. Something I’m determined to give back.
Someone jostles me out of my thoughts. My notebook slides out of my hands and drops to the floor.
“Sorry dude,” a nameless Brat says, continuing down the hall.
I bend over to pick it up, and when I look back down the hallway, Rochelle is walking the opposite direction and Eden’s gone. Probably to class, which is where I’m supposed to be, too. I walk down the emptying hall toward the biology room.
I turn the corner and a door opens to my right. A hand reaches out and grabs me, pulling me inside by my jacket lapels.
“What tha—” The door slams and a small, curvy body presses against me in the dark supply closet. I hear the click of the lock. “Princess?”
“Hi.”
My heart pounds from adrenaline and other parts come to life with the way her body clings to mine. I spread my fingers over her hip. “Sneaking around?”
“Someone told me I should become more aware of my environment. You know, for safety reasons.”