The fact of the matter is, I’m not even sure I’ve ever had control of myself to give it to someone else.
But Lia? She’s given me the confidence and security I didn’t know I needed. I may not have known I needed it, but fuck do I feel it. In the way she is with me. The way her eyes look at me, the smile she gives only me, and the way my whole chest gets warm when she finds me in a crowd.
I’ve never had a relationship with any woman the way I have with her. There’s never been trust, or this depth of emotion she makes me feel. Crushing her body to mine, I kiss her neck, letting my lips do the talking, instead of promising things I might not be able to deliver on in the future. I’ve done that a lot. Promised shit I knew I’d never be able to deliver on.
But she’s made me better, made me want to be better. Not only for her, but for myself too.
“Are you okay? You got real quiet there for a second.” She’s worried, I can see it plain as day in her face.
“Just enjoying my time with you. The last few days have been some of the most stressful in my life, and all I want to do is be with you. Drown myself in you, and feel you all around me.”
“Use me.” She leans up, nipping her teeth at my ear. “I want to be the person to help you handle your stresses. I’m not here just for the good stuff, Tris. I’m here for everything. The good, the bad, or the ugly. That’s what marriage and a relationship are about.”
Leaning down, I frame her face with my hands, kissing her softly. I long to give her all my feelings in this connection of our bodies. Hopefully they can say what my words aren’t. What I can’t bring myself to say just yet. It’s the prayer I pray as I turn her around so that she’s back under the spray.
The heat from the water causes a haze of steam between us, giving a touch of a fantasy to us. Her hands move along my body, grasping me around my waist, pulling me to her. She steps up on her tiptoes, kissing me brazenly, thrusting her tongue into my mouth, owning it.
I groan deep in my throat because it’s not often she takes what’s hers, and there is no doubt I’m hers. She owns me in a way no one else has owned me in a long time.
My hands palm her ass, carrying her from the shower to our bed.
Lying her down, I feast, look at what she’s offering, before I spread her legs and push myself home.
As I enter her, our eyes meet, and I swear I see the rest of my life.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Amelia
Tristan lays on his stomach with his arm draped over mine. The only sleep he’s gotten in the past few days is what he got in the back of the limo, this is desperately needed. It does my heart good to see him sleeping so deeply this morning. The muted light of the morning plays hide and seek with the shadows on his muscles. It gives him a mysterious quality. Even more than he normally has.
Running my finger along his jawline, he makes a face, scrunching his eyebrows together, before they relax again. This time his breath evens out, and he turns slightly more into me.
The only other time I see him this relaxed is immediately after we’ve been together. After he’s buried himself so deeply in my body I don’t know where I begin and he ends. Truth be told, having him like that is one of my favorite things about the life we’ve carved out for each other. Carefully, I roll over onto my side, mussing up his hair. He stirs, but doesn’t awaken. I’m as quiet as can be as I whisper.
“I’ve known exactly what I was supposed to do for most of my life. At an early age, I realized I was going to be yours.” I run my hand down his neck. “Each time you’d come to our house, I’d watch you, wondering what it would be like when I was with you every day.” I smile, feeling protective pride as I look at him. “It’s far exceeded my expectations, Tris.”
He makes a noise in his throat, and I wait to see if I’ve woken him up. When he doesn’t make any more noises and I know he hasn’t come out of sleep yet, I continue lightly stroking his neck, needing to get out everything on my heart.
“I’m gonna be honest though, when I was told you hadn’t found anyone on your own, and I would be expected to marry you, I got scared. Scared that I wouldn’t be enough, scared that you wouldn’t be enough. If I’m honest, I was more afraid of you not being enough. As a kid, I wanted to be a princess.” I laugh lightly, thinking about my dreams. Cinderella was a loved story in my home, and I wondered all the time what it would be like to have someone love me enough to look everywhere with a shoe. Now, I realize how crazy that is, but back then? It was my dream! “Don’t we all? But I had plans about how I wanted my life to go, about what I expected from the person I would spend the rest of my days with.”
“I had plans too.” His deep voice surprises me so much I jump slightly. His arms tighten around me, keeping me right next to him. I don’t mind, after all it’s become my favorite place to be in the last few weeks. “I planned to never let anyone force me to do something I didn’t want to do. I watched my mom…” He stops for a second, clearing his throat. He’s reliving something, and I want to know what it is, but at the same time, I don’t want to pressure him. What he tells me absolutely has to be on his own time. “Watched this life take everything out of her.”
“Take everything out of her?” I question, because I’ve never heard anyone say this before. From everything I saw she was loved by our country, and had a life most only ever dream about. But I’m also learning, not everything is as it seems.
He sits up against the headboard, pulling the sheet and blankets around his trim waist. I grab the blanket, securing it around my chest, before moving up to sit beside him. There’s an energy vibrating from him, one I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him have before. He scrubs his palms up and down on his face before shoving them through his hair.
“She was done.” He tilts his head back against the headboard. “She loved me and my dad, but she was done with this life. She hated it. She hated not being able to go out where she wanted to. The press made her anxious and she hated always having security with her. It was smothering her.” He shakes his head. “It was like she’d been this flame who burned so bright, and the oxygen feeding it was going away, dwindling to nothing. It was burning out, and there was nothing that was going to breathe air back into it. She was sick of being smothered. She wanted to live free and wild. The night of her accident, her and my dad had the biggest fight I’d ever heard them have.” He stops again and I can see the pain in his eyes. I’m wondering what he’s thinking, which spaces of time he’s reliving. “She left, running out to her SUV. I hopped in because I didn’t want her to be alone. I remember her telling me to leave, but I wouldn’t. She finally accepted I was going to be there with her. Together, we sped away while my father ran down the drive after us. She didn’t want it, though. She’d listened to promises he made, and he’d broken one too many.” He looks over at me.
“Why was she done?” I don’t remember everything about Tristan’s mother. She died when I was younger, and while we mourned as a country, I was too young to realize what exactly was happening.
“My mother,” he whispers almost reverently, “was gorgeous. Everyone worshiped her, especially me and Dad. She had this way about her, where she could look at you and make you think you were the only person in the room. She made everyone feel not only special, but heard. So many people assumed the monarchy wasn’t listening to them, but they truly believed she was. She was amazing, a mother to every single person in this country.”
“I remember.” I smile fondly. “Her being the Queen of the people.”
“She was,” he agrees. “Everything she did was because she wanted to be a good role model, the best mother, and the type of leader others would want to follow.”
“What happened the night she died?”
This is something I’ve never asked anyone. It was in the tabloids when I was younger, but I could never bring myself to pick one up and satisfy my curiosity. It seemed wrong in every single way. There were videos, but I couldn’t watch them. Especially when I was clued into th
e fact I would be marrying Tristan, it felt wrong. All of it felt wrong.
He cracks his knuckles, something I’ve never heard him do before, and I wonder if that’s a nervous gesture I have yet to be privy to.
“Like I said, they argued, and I’m still not sure about what. I think…” He swallows roughly. His eyes cloud with hurt as he remembers a time I think he would much rather forget, but there are some things in life we’re never able to forget. The things that follow us into the depths of our subconscious. They leave a mark that we’re never able to erase, and I have a feeling this is one of the things Tristan will never be able to forget. “I think it was about me. About this.” He gestures between the two of us. “There are certain snippets of conversation I can remember, and it fits, that it would be about what’s happening between us right now. Even though she and Dad loved each other, she resented having an arranged marriage and she wanted better for me. She wanted me to meet the woman of my dreams, fall in love, marry, and give her a castle full of kids. She used to tell me that was her biggest wish for me.”
“Would she have hated me because I wasn’t your choice?” I ask quietly. It will kill me, but I want the truth.
“No.” He shakes his head, a smile breaking across his face. “She would have loved you as much as I do.” He reaches over, pushing the hair out of my face.
Immediately I smile. The little trip in my chest when he says he loves me will forever be my undoing. It’s still weird to hear him say that he loves me. I never expected it, so hearing it always a little bit like me pinching myself to make sure I’m still awake and not in a dream.
“You think so?”
“Oh yeah.” He pulls his full bottom lip between his teeth. The dark beard on his face makes the white color of his teeth, even lighter. “You remind me a lot of her. She wasn’t exactly sure about being a queen, knew the things she would have to do would be hard, and wanted more than anything to make a difference. I see you.” He grabs hold of my hand, pulling it up to his lips. “I see you and I worry that you’ll end up being like her, which is why I hold a piece of myself away from you. If I don’t share that piece, then I won’t get hurt.”
I disagree. “If you hide that piece of yourself, then you’re not allowing me to love the entire you, Tris. I want it all, every single bit of you. I’m willing to give you every bit of me.” I straddle his waist, forcing his eyes to meet mine. “I want every bit of you.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Amelia
Looking around the room, I let the smile I’ve been holding in, out. It’s been hard to do this without Shannon knowing, considering the two of us are together for hours most days.
“It looks great in here,” my mother says, coming up behind me.
“Hey,” I reach in, giving her a hug. “I didn’t know you, Dad, and Thomas had made it.” I’ve not seen them since before Tristan’s birthday.
Seeing them now, while good, is almost odd. At one time my home was with them, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. Over the course of the last few months, that’s changed. Home isn’t the house, or the bedroom I grew up in. It isn’t the kitchen I came down to every morning to share bacon and eggs with my Dad. Home has become where Tristan is. Over the course of this time together, he’s become my home.
It hits me like a ton of bricks, and I’m shocked. Shocked that I haven’t realized it before. I should have, but as I hug my Mom, I realize they now don’t know me as well as Tristan does.
She hugs me back tightly. “Just a few minutes ago. Parker let us in.”
“Is he watching everyone who comes in, like they could rob us of the silver?” I joke, giggling with her.
“He does have that look about him.”
Anne Bowling is the mother everyone wishes they had, but the one I got. She’s taught me to always stand up for myself and at the same time, always be a lady. “That he does,” I agree, going down the line, hugging my family. “I’m so glad all of you could be here today. I know you’ve only met Shannon once, but she’s like family to me.”
“Then she’s like family to us,” Dad reaches in, hugging me.
“Thank you.”
Tristan comes in, him and Thomas immediately start talking to one another. I’m unsure how long it’s been since they were able to have a private conversation, but as they put their heads together, they’re making up for lost time.
Parker comes in the room. Looking over at him, I give him a nod. He whistles loudly, motioning for me to take the floor.
“Thank you all for being here tonight,” I look around at the group of people who have gathered. Shannon has been in the same circle as Tristan for a long time, so he knew exactly who to invite, but the rest of this? It’s totally my doing. “Shannon is a very important person to me, and I appreciate all of you celebrating her birthday. She’s driving up as I’m speaking, so if we could all get prepared. She won’t know what’s hit her.”
There’s a loudness in the room, mixed with a tinge of excitement, as everyone tries to hide. Tristan takes my hand, pulling us behind one of the curtains. I can’t help but giggle as I try to stay quiet.
“Stop,” he smiles at me. “You’ll give us away.”
“No I won’t,” I protest, but as we hear the door open, we freeze.
“Amelia?” I can hear Shannon questioning where I am. After all, I’m the one who got her here.
“Be right there,” I call out.
Parker turns the lights up and everyone jumps out of their spots to yell surprise!
We come out from behind the curtain, and I take in the look of bewilderment on her face, until she realizes what this is.
“Oh my God,” she laughs, looking around the room. She’s waving at people she knows and if I’m not mistaken, there’s a little bit of moisture in her eyes. “I can’t believe someone did this for me.”
Parker speaks it. “It was Amelia. She got all of this together.”
“How?” She looks at me. “With the wedding and everything, how did you have time to do this?”
I walk over, grabbing her out-stretched hands. “Are you kidding me? You take care of almost everything I need to do every day. This was my pleasure, Shannon.”
She wipes at her nose, laughing. “Let’s eat cake!”
“You did good,” Tristan whispers in my ear as we watch Shannon open her gifts. “I’m not sure anyone has ever done anything like this for her before.”
“She’s an important piece of my life, I want her to feel as if we’re her family.”
“Speech! Speech!”
Those are the chants as she stands in the middle of the room. She’s beaming as she looks around at all of us. Her blonde hair is shining, and she’s got a glow I’ve never seen before. Parker stands not too far away from her. I’ve noticed him watching her all night, and she watching him. I’d love to question her about it, but now isn’t the time.
“Okay, okay,” she laughs as she looks around at us. “I’ve worked for the Haldonian Royal Family for the last four years. I started at the bottom,” she grins. “The first job I had was polishing the silverware in the castle.”
This surprises me, but I listen intently as she continues.
“Once I got really good at that job, I was promoted, upward and upward until finally I was given the task to start picking out Tristan’s clothing. I bet you didn’t know that,” she winks over at him.
“I didn’t, but it explains why I’ve become fashionable,” he jokingly brushes off his shoulder.
The group laughs as they watch the two of them.
“I thought that was the top for me,” she shrugs. “But then an excited utterance started going around the castle. Tristan was to marry, and the lovely woman who would marry him would need someone to dress her,” she looks over at me. “Very early on, I saw a picture of Amelia, and I was awestruck by her beauty. It’s old Hollywood beauty, a timeless treasure that so many in this day and age would contour to death. They would tell her to get extensions so her hair w
ould be fuller, they may even encourage her to lose weight. Immediately I was worried about her, I didn’t even know her, but I felt a kinship. I knew I wanted to help her learn to navigate these sometimes curvy roads. Even today I can’t explain it. I just knew,” she stops and holds her palms up as if to say, I don’t know. “I just knew she’d be my friend and I’d be the one to help her.”
“I’m glad you’re the one to help me,” I hold my glass up, wanting to toast to her.
“Here, here,” everyone holds their glasses up along with mine.
I don’t miss the way Parker runs a hand along her back. I make a mental note to talk about it to her later, but I also tell myself not to be nosey.
“I see one of my father’s business associates over there,” Tristan points out an older man in the crowd. “I need to go see how he’s doing. You want to come with me?”
“No, I think I’m going to go sit with my parents for a few minutes.”
I watch, my eyes on him as he walks across the room. No matter what room he’s in, he commands attention.
“Marriage is going to suit you,” I look over at my mother.
“I think so, too.”
“You’ve been ready for this since you were a kid.”
What she’s said is true. When I was a little girl, I played with dolls and I was always the mother, always the one taking care of everyone else. I can distinctly remember when I was ten, walking around, wearing my mom’s high heels with a fake wedding ring on my finger. Being a wife and a mother has always been the endgame for me.
“I’m thankful I get to do this with Tristan. At first I was scared, but there’s no one else I’d rather be in this situation with.”
Mom hugs me, and over her shoulder, I see something that makes my blood run cold. Tristan is leaning down, kissing another woman on the cheek.
But it’s not just any other woman.
Royal Rebel: A Royal Romance (The Haldonia Monarchy Book 1) Page 13