by Edina Davis
“That’s just childish!” hissed her mother scornfully.
“Yes, Mother, that’s just what I was at the time … a small child! A lonely little girl who suffered an injustice and who felt misunderstood, unloved and abandoned.”
“That’s utter nonsense!” Debbie Harris scolded. “Water under the bridge. My God, Lynn, you’re a grown woman! How can you be so childish to harp on about things that took place over twenty-five years ago!”
“Because these things were a heavy burden on me twenty-seven years ago, Mother. These things are imprinted on my mind. I’ll never forget them! And you, Mother, would rather die than admit that you always preferred Carina, your darling Carrie, who always knew exactly how to wrap you around her little finger. With her hypocritical expression of innocence and her sweet smile she didn’t only fool you and Father. Yes, I was jealous of this deceitful beast because I had every reason to be! You and her, you both alone are to blame for the fact that I became the way you accused me of being.”
“Now you’re really going too far, Lynn!” her mother screamed. “Your poor sister just lost her beloved husband. You should …”
“Oh, stop the hypocrisy, Mother! Carina never loved Alex and deceived him constantly. She only used him to hurt me. That has always been her biggest pleasure. Why don’t you finally admit it, Mother? You know very well that Carina is a cunning little bitch. And you still always loved her more than me or maybe even because of that?! Is that not so? You silently tolerated her maliciousness towards me. You knew very well that Carina constantly bullied me and yet you still stood by her. And I’ll tell you why. You admired her for her cunning, that’s the sad truth! And didn’t you do the same things with Father? You manipulated him all his life, just like Carina manipulated you and all other people around her.”
“That’s outrageous! I won’t listen to this any longer,” Debbie screamed, her voice almost cracking.
“Of course, you don’t want to hear it! The truth isn’t very pleasant, is it? It hurts to have to realize after thirty years that you miserably failed in raising your daughters!”
There was silence on the other end of the line. Deborah Harris quietly whimpered. Her head was spinning, and she tried to organize her thoughts. For a single second the thought arose that Carolyn’s accusations weren’t completely unfounded. But wouldn’t that mean that she and Philipp, her husband, bore responsibility for everything that had happened? Wouldn’t that mean that they both had made Carolyn to what she was today, a bitter, unhappy young woman struggling with her fate?
But then she rebelled against those thoughts. No! it screamed inside her, no, that’s simply not true! Phil and I did everything for our girls. We loved them both! Lynn always was jealous of Carrie, for no reason at all! It’s completely her own fault!
Fully convinced again that she was right, she said: “I see it’s useless to appeal to your reason. You just don’t want to accept that you’re wrong! I don’t want to argue with you anymore. The funeral service is next Wednesday at ten thirty in the Chapel of Peace in St. Leonards. I pray to God that by then you’ll have come to your senses and realize that on this day your place is with your family. Please Lynn, think again about everything.” Then, without waiting for an answer, she hung up the phone.
CHAPTER 63
Carolyn sat on the carpet, her face blank. A tumult of emotions seethed inside her and countless thoughts raced through her mind. Alex, her beloved Alex, he had wanted to return to her because he loved her. And now he was dead! Her beloved Alex was dead, and she couldn’t tell him how much she still loved him, how much she still wanted him! Today she had wanted to tell him! They would have seen each other in Bexhill today … in the De La Warr Pavilion, where they had both admired their first sunset together twelve years ago!
They had just sat there, hand in hand, and watched that unique spectacle. When the red fireball had slowly sunk into the sea, they had kissed for the first time. She had been infinitely happy, and yet at the same moment she had felt a stab in her heart, a strange desolation that she could not explain at the time. It wasn’t until much later that she had realized, it had been a strange premonition … a sign that her happiness would be short-lived.
The prospect of meeting Alex today at exactly that place had given her a feeling of elation, the hope of a new beginning … of a brilliant sunrise.
She thought of the hope in his eyes when he had put the little package on the table, of his words before he had said farewell.
She had only opened the little package this morning. Radiant with joy, she had held the CD with the title Our Time in her trembling hands, had played it again and again.
Alex had written and recorded that instrumental song for her and had thought of her, of her and their time together. He had put his whole heart into this beautiful melody, his love for her and his hope for a new beginning.
And now it was too late … suddenly it was all over and finished before Alex and she had received a second chance. She had lost her beloved husband a second time, this time for ever!
Oh, if she had only told him right away that she had forgiven him and loved him more than anything in the world. Why hadn’t she been able to jump over her own shadow just once? She had sensed his desire, his sincere love. And hadn’t she longed for him as well?
“Oh, Alex … please forgive me!” Carolyn groaned in pain loudly. How should she go on living now? She stared at the carpet with empty eyes and remained motionless.
She thought of her mother, who had shown her once again after such a long time how little she meant to her. For the past few years, Carolyn had hoped deep inside that her mother would one day stand in front of her door, asking for forgiveness. She had waited for her mother to realize how often she had wronged her. She had longed to be taken into her arms, to hear words of comfort. She had wanted to hear how sorry she was that Carolyn had to suffer so much during her childhood. Just a single word of understanding from her mother for the hell Carolyn had gone through when she lost her beloved husband to Carina could have reconciled her with the past, with the injustice she had experienced through her parents and sister.
Instead, her mother’s sympathy was again only with her one and beloved Carina. Yes, for Carina she had even jumped over her shadow, had called her unloved daughter to beg forgiveness for her darling. She had shed bitter tears for Carina, and at the same time had torn Carolyn’s heart out with incredibly cold-hearted words.
Carolyn sat slumped on the carpet for hours, while hot tears kept running down her face. When her tears had finally run dry, she reared up and her eyes began to glisten maliciously. Carina! Always Carina! She was the root of all evil, she alone. She had made her life hell, had poisoned it, slowly but surely, and now this poison had killed Alex!
***
When Laura and Johnny heard of Alex’s death, they were understandably also very shocked. Laura instinctively knew that Carolyn now urgently needed her help. But this time she couldn’t get through to her friend, no matter how hard she tried to talk to her.
Carolyn seemed completely absent-minded, and while she still conscientiously executed her work, she did it in a rather mechanical way. The grief for Alex ruled her existence and the pain was so deep that even her work, which had meant the world to her in the past years, was no distraction.
At night, she lay awake for hours and when she finally fell into a restless sleep at dawn, she had bad nightmares. The dream of the past also returned, which particularly frightened Carolyn, as this dream wasn’t far from the actual events. After two almost unbearable weeks for her, during which she struggled to keep herself upright, she just couldn’t go on anymore. She told Laura that she urgently needed a vacation.
After that, Carolyn withdrew completely and blocked all of Laura’s attempts to get through to her. She just couldn’t and wouldn’t see anyone anymore, not even her best friend, who had always been there for her. Her work, whic
h had given her the necessary stability, was now completely indifferent to her. Nothing mattered anymore, she felt empty and burned out. She had lost her great love for the second time and for ever, and with it the meaning of life in general. She was paralysed and at times had the unreal experience of having left her body. Her movements were those of a robot and she only completed the most necessary tasks of daily life mechanically.
For a whole week, she spent all day sitting on her living room sofa with an empty look in her eyes. Sleep was almost impossible to think of, and during the short periods of sleep she was repeatedly tormented by cruel nightmares until she could barely distinguish between dream and reality. The strangest thing, however, was that she kept hearing voices in her head again and again, alternately arguing with her and with each other. No matter how hard Carolyn tried, she couldn’t ban those voices out of her head …
One day, she felt that she didn’t want to live without Alex anymore.
But she has to accompany her! She has to pay for everything she did to her, a spiteful voice suddenly screamed in her head.
Yes, her sister was to blame for all sorrow that she had experienced in her life. Even more, she had ruined her whole life, had taken everything from her she had loved, her husband and even her unborn child. Wouldn’t it be fair to let her suffer for everything she had done to her and other people?
Yes, she must die! a deep voice echoed in her head like the rumble of thunder.
Despite everything, she’s still her sister, her twin, a gentle, kind voice countered urgently.
But she made her life hell! She was never safe from her mean conniving, the deep voice thundered.
You mustn’t repay evil with evil! Forgive her, then you can find your inner peace, the kind voice pleaded.
She took your great love and your child! a third voice now shrieked so loudly that she felt sick. Her forehead started to throb violently.
Please … please, forget the past, make your peace, and start a new life, the peaceful voice tried to ease the painful pressure. Don’t let this destructive hate poison your heart, otherwise evil will conquer you!
Yes, evil … it had infected her like a slow poison. Lately, she had often wondered to what extent a person was the product of their upbringing, their experiences, and their surroundings, and how much of what defines a person is already irrevocably in their genes. Were Carina and she really as different as it had always seemed? Was it even possible that identical twins could have such different characters?
She doubted it, as she was increasingly certain that the difference between her and her sister was not as big as she and also Laura had always believed it to be. She, too, was constantly struggling with abysmal thoughts and desires that could not be reconciled with her beliefs or with the values she represented outwardly. Something evil lurked deep inside her, something she had suppressed all her life, and which now wanted to penetrate with all possible force to her mind’s surface. Would she allow it to conquer her? No!! Under no circumstances could she allow this!
No, don’t allow it! Make your peace with her and the past, the gentle voice implored.
But she took the man she loved away from her a second time, drove him to his death! the deep voice thundered, with fury.
Carolyn clutched her head with both hands in desperation. Everything seemed to spin around her, and bright flashes danced in front of her closed eyes.
“Go away, leave me alone!” she cried in great distress. “Just go away!”
What was the matter with her? Had she gone mad? Those horrific voices in her head … Was she about to lose her mind?
CHAPTER 64
It was a Friday, almost four weeks after the momentous phone conversation with her mother. Carolyn sat in her living room, her expression peculiar, and thought about the ominous dream that had made her wake up with a start last night …
She stood on the edge of a steep cliff, screaming, and stared down at the shattered body of her beloved husband.
Her sister stood some metres away from her. Her long hair was blowing in the wind and her mocking laughter roared in Carolyn’s ears.
“And now it’s your turn!” she screamed. She ran towards Carolyn, her arms extended, while Carolyn didn’t move from the spot and gave in to her fate.
Why should she fight for her life? She would soon be reunited with her beloved husband.
Carina came closer and closer … and when her hands almost touched her, Carolyn suddenly came to life.
She jumped aside in a flash and gave the other one a powerful push.
“Go to hell, you witch!”
With a piercing scream Carina fell into the depths …
Carolyn could still sense the relief she had felt during the dream. She felt incredibly light and carefree, like never before in her life, freed from a heavy burden! Then, however, she was plagued by remorse and was horrified at herself. That wasn’t her! She would never be able to …
Oh, my God, no … it had been nothing more than a dream, a disturbing, horrible nightmare, caused by ugly thoughts of revenge, from which she needed to free herself immediately!!
But she doesn’t deserve your forgiveness! Your husband and your child are on her conscience, it screamed in her head.
Oh no, please, not those horrible voices again!! She pressed her fists against her temples in desperation.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good, the familiar, gentle voice quoted the known Bible verse.
A shiver ran through Carolyn’s body.
You need to find your inner peace and continue living! The voice sounded kind and peaceful and had the desired effect.
Yes, she wanted to fight evil before it finally got the upper hand! She owed it to herself and her friend Laura, who had always firmly believed in her and the good in her.
And yes, she had to find her peace and live on, as her beloved Alex would have wanted her to. But she could only do that if she discussed everything openly with her sister. She wanted to ask her what had happened that evening, how the accident on the cliffs had happened. Only then would she be able to reconcile with her and the past and to find peace.
Determined, she jumped up, ran to the phone, looked briefly in the phone book, and then dialled the number with trembling fingers.
It took quite a while for the phone to be picked up. Then Carolyn finally heard her sister’s voice, for the first time after ten years, and the sound made her heart pound so strongly that the blood rushed to her head and she felt dizzy.
“Carina Carpenter speaking. With whom do I have the pleasure?”
For seconds, Carolyn was paralysed and couldn’t reply.
“Hello! Who’s speaking? Either you answer now, or I’ll hang up!” Carina said in a cutting voice.
Carolyn winced, startled.
“It’s Carolyn. I urgently need to talk to you!”
“Gosh … what a surprise! I can’t believe it! Great minds think alike! Just this second, I decided I needed to say good-bye to you before my departure and lo and behold, my sister calls me! I’m going abroad again, you know, this time to Mauritius. A heavenly spot on earth! They say it’s like paradise … oh, I can hardly wait!
“But stop … where were we? Oh yes … are you sure you didn’t dial the wrong number, my dear Lynn? After all, you didn’t even show up to good old Alex’s funeral, even though our mother begged you to come. By the way, she strictly forbade me to exchange a single word with you, much less visit you. But when did I ever listen to her or anyone else!? So, to what do I owe the honour of your call?”
Carolyn swallowed. All her good intentions were shaken at the sound of this voice and the impertinent words. Still, she quietly repeated her request. “Please, I need to talk to you urgently. You always wanted us to discuss everything. So, if you’re still interested, I’m willing. On that occasion you can also say farewell. So, when can
we meet?”
The line was quiet for several seconds.
“You’re always good for a surprise, sis,” Carina replied hesitantly. “But I have to say, I’m pleased about it! Like you, I think that a heart-to-heart-talk between us is long overdue, my dear Lynn. However, I assume we both have completely different reasons.”
“We can find out then and there. I suggest we meet at my place as soon as possible. What do you think?” Carolyn asked.
Carina laughed. “Well, Lynn, I just can’t get over us both having the same idea and at the almost same time. Contrary to expectations, we seem to have a lot in common after all, don’t you think?”
Carolyn left that question unanswered. “So, when can you come?” she asked instead.
“My plane leaves on Monday evening. I had planned to show up at your place on Sunday afternoon and was secretly looking forward to your surprised face. Well, I’m denied that pleasure now, but at least I can cancel the hotel room near the airport. You surely don’t mind me staying overnight!”
Carolyn’s face turned ashen and even though Carina couldn’t see it, she laughed mockingly at the same moment.
“Gee, sis. I can almost see your horrified face in front of me. You’ll be able to bear me for just one night, won’t you? Then you’ll be rid of me for ever! Isn’t that something?” When Carolyn didn’t reply immediately, she added: “Great, so that’s settled.”
Carolyn finally found her voice. “Okay, fine with me. When can you be here?”
“Hm, let’s see … between five and five thirty, I assume.”
“Okay, see you then. I live in …”
“… in Little Common. I know, silly!” Carina interrupted her ironically. “Our mother already gave me your address! How else could I have made a surprise visit if you hadn’t called me today? By the way, she must never find out about our meeting, do you understand?”