Girl in the Bearskin

by C. L. Stone

  And as if to prove it to myself, I reached out to him, grabbing him by the chin.

  He stilled, as if knowing what I was going to do.

  I kissed at his lips. I expected it to be short, to feel nothing.

  Yet, I lingered, finding a spark of something coming to life inside me. His lips were soft. And he tasted like berries.

  When I pulled back, I knew my cheeks to be flushed. I was embarrassed about it, and released him, looking away toward the fire.

  We were silent in that moment. I couldn’t figure out my feelings. I’d thought to dismiss him entirely, and I found myself not doing so.

  “Can we do that again?” he asked quietly.

  I stood up, went to the tent, and closed the flap behind me.

  Running from him.

  My heart racing.

  It was similar sensations I had felt from Thorne, and it bothered me. Was it just anyone that I was around in such a way that caused me to feel these things? I’d thought Thorne to be unique.

  I stood in the tent, a little hunched over with the top close to my head. I looked at the bedroll, considering what happened.

  It bothered me that fear crept into my body, in a way I hadn’t experienced it before. In battle, I tried to hide my fear, but it was always there. It energized me to face the enemy.

  This…this was completely different. I ran from Wilhelm? I ran from no one!

  I was tempted to go back out. I wanted to kiss him again, just to prove to myself that it was some result by not having been around people. I was just lonely.

  Yet, I didn’t go. I didn’t want to know that was the case.

  I didn’t want to give Wilhelm a chance to break into my heart when I knew it to be easily broken. Thorne had done so. I didn’t want two to leave me behind.

  Perhaps Shaytan was right. Maybe he’d been a bad idea.

  A DEMON’S DESIRES

  I said nothing the next morning to Wilhelm. He took my lead, not talking about the kiss.

  It was a few weeks before we got to the next town. Shaytan said waxing was permitted, since it just added a coating and did not take away dirt.

  “It’s a bad idea, though,” he said.

  “You think everything I want is bad.”

  “You seem to only want things that will be bad. That’s not my fault.”

  We luckily found the wax in the town we stopped in by asking around. Wilhelm and I took days at an inn doing nothing but running wax blocks against my hair and then the cloak.

  It improved things immensely. I even applied it to my underarms and groin. All of it together allowed me to feel more comfortable going into the dining rooms again. People spoke to me. I hadn’t realized how much I missed conversation and people until I’d spent some time away.

  They didn’t totally recoil at my face, which was a drastic improvement.

  It wouldn’t be long before I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sure the wax would work for a while, but for the rest of my seven years?

  We stayed at the inn for a while. Once people got used to me, they seemed to forget about my cloak and dirty appearance.

  One night on my way back to my room at the inn, I found Shaytan at the top of the stairs.

  “You’re getting lazy,” he said to me. His grumbling voice sounding more pleasant today.

  “We just stopped for the wax.”

  “I thought you were on your way to the mountains.”

  “We need to reach the capital first.”

  “It’s not far,” he said. “So why are we staying here?”

  I walked around him, heading toward my room. “We’ll go soon.”

  “I think you’re afraid to find him.”

  I had my hand on the door handle but didn’t open it. Instead, I faced the door to avoid his eyes. “I’m not afraid.”

  “You lie like a human. That’s rather distasteful.”

  I turned to him and was surprised he was right behind me, his face looming.

  My heart raced, and at first I thought I feared him. He was a demon after all. Could he kill me if he wanted? It’d break his bet but if he tired of me, would he rather be rid of me?

  He brought both hands up around my head, blocking off my escape to loom close. His arms at my ears appeared muscled and strong. “Daughter of Yousef, you should know better than to lie to me. It hurts my ears.”

  “That’s probably a good thing.”

  “Why do you distrust me so? Why do you try to anger me at every moment?”

  I put a hand on his chest, urging him off. “We’re on opposite sides of a bet,” I said. “And you want my soul. Isn’t that a reason I should be against you?”

  “You didn’t have to take the bet. And I don’t need your soul. I just want it. Don’t blame me if you’re desirable.”

  Desirable? “I stink like a bear.”

  “And?”

  “My loins and body are dirty.”

  “You’re so petty to think I’d care about such things. Sex and lust are man’s limited ability to sense true pleasure.” He lowered one of the hands from the door to capture my chin instead, forcing me to look right at his face.

  Suddenly, the sensation I’d felt when he’d touched me before return. It was an odd sensation, different from Thorne and Wilhelm. I was lightheaded. My breath escaped me.

  The firefly glow around him increased.

  He continued, “Why do you think I came for you and not your brother? Or someone else? They’d make far easier targets for a demon like myself. Why you?”

  I looked him dead in the eye, trying to fight the sensations he was causing within me. I wondered if they were nothing more than a demon trick to get me to do what he wanted. “Shouldn’t I ask you that? I don’t know.”

  “Because unlike my brethren, I seek something…unique.” He released my chin, but kept a fingertip at my skin, tracing along my jaw. “Do you think it’d be so bad to be with me forever?”

  The lighter touch sent a ripple of pleasure over my skin. The spider silk sensation returned, tracing over every little hair, making each stand up.

  He made me feel clean and fresh, and yet entirely wicked and in need of something I couldn’t even describe.

  It was in his touch that I forgot everything about my appearance. There were only his eyes and the sensations he gave me when he was near.

  I didn’t know the answer to his question, but there had to be a reason why someone like Wilhelm would fight and resist demons and not want to lose at their bets. “What happens if I were to give up the bet and surrender to you?”

  “I could do whatever I wanted to you, without question.”

  My lip quivered but I sucked in a breath. “That doesn’t sound appealing.”

  “Doesn’t it?”

  “I’d rather it be the opposite.”

  The corner of his mouth lifted. “You want me to do whatever you wanted?”

  “Yes.”

  “What would you ask of me? You can’t go back on your bet, that magic has been set. No way to break it. But…why would you hesitate to ask me anything else?”

  “I didn’t know I could.”

  He smirked at me and then reached around, twisting the handle to let the door open. “Let’s talk in private, shall we?”

  I backed into the room and he followed, closing the door behind us. When he released me, the sensation diminished inside of me.

  But I wanted it back.

  All the rooms in the inn were small. And they echoed as it was, as all the surfaces were hard except for the bed and thin rug on the floor. This was one of the few that had a small window that looked out into the town, but the curtains were drawn for privacy.

  To shake the feeling he’d caused in me, I sat in the chair, bending over to take off the boots. I needed to focus on something that wasn’t him.

  Before I could undo the leather lace, Shaytan was on his knees in front of me, offering to take the boot from me. “Let me,” he said. “You wanted me to do things for you, didn’t you?”
>
  He paused, holding my foot in my boot, waiting for me to say something.

  I considered what he said before. “You’d do anything I asked?”

  “If you wish it.”

  “That doesn’t sound like a demon.”

  “I’m not the usual sort of demon. We’re all our own beings after all. You’re telling me you’re just the same as any of those humans down in the village?”

  I supposed he was right. Did all demons have to be the same? “Take off my boots for me?” I asked.

  He did, unlacing them first and putting them aside.

  “Could those be washed?” I asked. “I mean the boots. And the clothes underneath? They aren’t my body.”

  He scratched at his cheek. “I hate to give you a false sense of hope that it will somehow make your life easier. And it always sounds like you’re unhappy when you say such things.”

  Frustrated with his answer, I undressed everything from my body without his help, all except the bearskin. It helped in that the clothing against my skin was often itchy to me now. “I need something better to wear. It scratches me.”

  “Maybe I can help with that.”

  I thought for a moment he’d be intimidated I was naked in front of him, but he didn’t seem at all interested in my body and I was completely covered by the bearskin anyway. I left the blanket on the bed so I wouldn’t ruin it. The cloak was enough to cover me. “I wish to sleep.”

  “You wish to hide from the truth.” He came to me, sitting on the edge of the bed behind me. The accent of his foreign tongue thickening. “I do everything you want me to and you still dislike me.”

  I turned over, finding him close. I sat up, tucking the bearskin around me to brace against the cool air in the room. Only I left the hood down.

  His dark eyes, dark skin, they were unlike my own people and it interested me. “Is this what you really look like? I thought demons to be ugly.”

  “You’re one to talk about looks like they mean anything.” He leaned over the bed, over me, to put a hand on the blanket on the other side of my legs. “We have to live with each other for the next several years, Adelina. I’d rather them be pleasant.”

  “But your bet was to make my life uncomfortable.”

  “I only wished to show you how little such insignificant things mean, and to let yourself prove you’re brave and can withstand anything. You doubted yourself. That’s the only reason why you took the bet at all. To prove it to yourself. Admit it. You’re not one to be swayed by coin.”

  I bit my lower lip, considering his thoughts. “I guess I shouldn’t hate you for volunteering for what you offered. I was trying to win, but I suppose that’s no reason to be rude and hateful.”

  He smirked and looked in my eyes. “You try to tempt me with your body.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “You try to goad me with your resistance, your defiance at every little turn.”

  “I just wanted to do what I thought would win the bet.”

  He tilted his head. “Don’t you know I love it?”

  To my surprise, I found myself leaning in, as if urging him to touch again. “You do?”

  The firefly glow around him flickered. “Not just anyone dares to defy a demon. Especially to his face. Most are too afraid.”

  “I’m not afraid.”

  “No, I don’t think you are. Not of me.” He leaned in until his nose brushed mine. “You’re only afraid to let me in what Thorne left behind.”

  At the mention of his name, my insides flamed with fire. I pulled away from him. “He did nothing to me.”

  He laughed, short and crumply like pebbles spilling over themselves. “We wouldn’t be heading north in search of him if he didn’t mean anything to you. Why do you think I encourage it?”

  “To challenge me for my soul? To make it harder on me?”

  “Besides that.”

  I didn’t have an answer.

  He continued. “I want him to finish up what he destroyed in you. So I might replace him.”

  Did he think whatever answer Thorne might offer, if we found him, would kill me? I made a grumbling noise and flopped over onto the bed. “He did nothing to me.”

  He shivered hard enough that it shook the bed. “Ugh, I hate your lies. Simply detest them.” He got up and walked away, although he didn’t leave the room. He just sat in the chair, close by.

  I didn’t sleep right away. I glared at the window. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help thinking of Thorne, of a time when we’d gotten drunk after a battle and he’d slipped an arm around my shoulders, telling me of stories about dwarves, of times long ago.

  I thought of how he would catch me if I almost fell in battle. Always at my back.

  Memories of those last moments came up after that. Of his face, his hard broad nose and the smoothness of his chin. But it was more than that. It was the way he looked at me, creating the well I wanted filled. By him.

  It brought a new fire inside of me when I thought of this and then how he left so abruptly.

  It burned that Shaytan was right. That in a way, what he wanted was exactly what I wanted, and what I was hoping for.

  An end to Thorne and those memories. To burn them away so I’d forget forever. So I could be free to do as I wished with my heart.

  Even then, I considered Shaytan’s desire of me.

  And Wilhelm.

  They both interested me, but in different ways. Wilhelm promised me a normal life, the dream of most women across the country. I could picture settling down with him. We could have children. We could run a small farm. Or start an occupation of some sort. Or not bother at all and live a wealthy life, spoiled in the end. My heart longed for this, an experience I had never known.

  And Shaytan…he offered something I didn’t understand.

  But my heart wanted it, too.

  MOVING ON

  It was another month before I finally brought myself to continue to the city. The innkeeper was actually saddened by our leaving, perhaps because we were steady coin for his business and less trouble than other guests.

  But the gnawing of my desire for answers got to me eventually, as did Shaytan constantly reminding me of my goal. Wilhelm was a bit disappointed to leave.

  “We could have waited until spring,” he said.

  Perhaps we should have, but I didn’t want to wait that long. I didn’t like how idle I’d become.

  I didn’t like the way Shaytan stayed by my bedside.

  Thorne’s face was what I thought about on our trip to the capital. Wilhelm talked joyfully about things on the road.

  The closer we got to the big city, the more I couldn’t hide my frustration, the anger building up inside of me. I was hoping to get answers in the capital, and getting closer to it made me face how angry I was with Thorne for leaving. I’d forgotten.

  Wilhelm must have sensed I was troubled. After a while, he hurried his pace but kept silent, but remained always by my side.

  Shaytan always followed behind, most of the time saying nothing, but occasionally, when Wilhelm wasn’t looking, he’d slip things into my hand. A beautiful flower. A sugar cube to suck on. An emerald glittering in my palm. In his own quiet way, he was trying to lift my spirits. Or tease me, perhaps. His true desire still eluded me. He said he wanted me, but did I trust him? Demons could lie, even if he claimed he hated such things, and I couldn’t tell if he was.

  Still, I kept his gifts in a small pouch by my hip, my old coin purse that I didn’t need after I’d gotten the cloak.

  Despite my desire to get to the city in a hurry, on foot, it took ages. Through the spring, through the summer, and almost fall.

  When we made it to the city, it’d had been over a year since I’d last bathed, trimmed, or taken off the cloak. I was used to the weight by now. Wilhelm added layers of wax when needed. A good thing was it helped the fur of the cloak to stop molding due to rain. It almost weatherproofed it.

  The great capital city was an expanse of b
uildings stretching out for a few miles. In the center, there was a large castle and an inner city protected by guards.

  I wanted to see the inner city and the castle. In a way, after so long fighting in the war, it was the thing I had been trying to protect. I wanted to admire it.

  On our approached to the outer-most edge of the city streets, we came across children, some with sticks for swords, swatting at each other.

  When we got closer, one of them turned his attention to me.

  His eyes widened.

  He dropped his stick.

  He screamed, wildly and with such sharpness that the others around him instantly dropped their stick swords as well.

  And then they all screamed.

  “Bear!” one cried.

  They all repeated this, pointing, and ran off to homes, flying into the doors and slamming them behind themselves.

  Wilhelm harrumphed. “Rude,” he said. I didn’t agree with this. Maybe it was rude, but with the fur cloak and my appearance, I imagined how I was starting to resemble the bear.

  A couple of boys were still running, supposedly their homes further than the others. One tripped. His friend ran on, shouting at him to get up.

  But he didn’t. He collapsed onto the ground, clutching at his knee.

  I went to the boy, kneeling next to him. “Did you get hurt?” I asked.

  He looked up at me, at my face. He sniffed once. “You’re not a bear?”

  “No,” I said. “I just look like one.”

  He seemed perplexed at this.

  I examined his knee, scraped and bleeding badly.

  I went to get him up, but he got up on his own, scrambling, probably due more to the pain than to me now. He ran off, faster than I could keep up.

  I looked after him. Wilhelm appeared next to me, Shaytan on my other side.

  I lost him in the streets. “I don’t know where he went, but…”

  “I can find him,” Shaytan said.

  “I think he’ll be okay,” Wilhelm said. “He’s probably just going home.”

  I turned to Shaytan. “Could you just make sure his knee gets looked at properly? Pay for a doctor if needed.”

  He nodded shortly and then walked away, heading off to the last place I saw the boy before he disappeared.