Okay, it’s just a theory, so far. But it’s also a good reminder to talk to my friends about this heart stuff. Like if I start going head over heels for Jeremy again, I will definitely talk to Allie and Laura, and even Beanie and Caitlin. And I’ll ask them to pray for me and talk some sense into me. I also think it would be good for my pride because I have this disgusting habit of sometimes trying to appear more together and mature than I really am. But that is simply pride. And we all know where pride gets us in the end. Flat on our faces, or as Rosy would say, “Pride don’t look good on you, girlfriend!”
THE FALL
it looks so good
at least at first
puffed up and full
then comes the worst
you think you’re walking
straight and tall
then on your face
you flatly fall
into the mud
into the grime
you thought you’d pull
it off this time
but now you know
it never works
pride only makes us
look like jerks
so lay it down
at Jesus’ feet
when pride is gone
life will be sweet
cm
Thursday, June 2
Okay, I know God wants me to love Tiffany Knight. I mean, why else would she be stuck onto my life like warm bubble gum plastered to the sole of a flip-flop on a hot summer day? And time and again I have tried to accept this as God’s special challenge for my life—loving the unlovable. So why, I have to ask myself, do I want to run the other direction every time I see her coming my way? Like today in the cafeteria.
I was actually having a pretty good conversation with Kim Peterson—a girl who appears, at least to me, to be very spiritually hungry. Despite what she says in this regard, I get a strong feeling that God is at work in her. We’d started talking during fourth period and planned to continue it during lunch. I’d purposely chosen a quiet table off to one side where I didn’t think anyone else would interrupt what was becoming a fairly serious conversation about faith.
“I’m not suggesting that religion doesn’t work for you,” she was saying just as Tiffany came over and sat down with us. “But it doesn’t work for me. At least not the Christian version. But I may look into Buddhism someday, if I ever feel the need for some sort of organized religion.”
“I’d have to agree with you about religion,” I told her, nodding a polite “hey” in Tiffany’s direction, although I secretly wished she hadn’t joined us. “Because I happen to think religion is pretty stupid myself.”
“But what about your songs?”
“I honestly don’t think of them as religious, Kim. My music is more about my relationship with God. That’s something completely different.”
“I guess I don’t really get that.”
“Well, I’ve been going to youth group pretty regularly for the last couple of months,” interjected Tiffany. “Actually, there’s this really cute guy there from McFadden who I like, but that’s another story. Anyway, I have to agree with Chloe about the whole religion thing. Our youth pastor says that Jesus came to do away with religion and teach us how to have a personal relationship with God.” She glanced at me like the kid in Sunday school who thought she should get a gold star now. “Right, Chloe?”
I nodded. “And is that what you believe too, Tiffany? Do you have a personal relationship with God?”
She looked slightly puzzled just then. “Well, I don’t know. I guess so.”
“You guess so?” echoed Kim. “That doesn’t sound very convincing to me.”
“I think I’m still figuring it all out,” Tiffany said with a slight frown.
Kim shook her head. “See, that’s just the problem with religion. Why do you have to figure it all out?”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Kim.” I suppressed my exasperation at Tiffany’s “helpful” input. I know it’s not her fault that she’s still trying to “figure God out,” and that’s well and fine, but I just wish she’d keep her “information” to herself if she’s not really speaking from personal experience. It’d be kind of like me telling someone how to bake a cake from scratch—something I’ve never done in my entire life. Good grief!
Anyway, I reiterated to Kim that God is not something we can figure out with our heads, that it’s a heart thing, and I explained how faith is a gift. But by then I think I was just wasting my breath. I suspect Kim doesn’t like Tiffany any more than I do, and since Kim’s not even attempting to follow God, I’m sure she has no interest in loving this somewhat obnoxious girl either. I wasn’t a bit surprised when Kim excused herself and left me sitting alone at the table with Tiffany. But at least Tiffany acted like she was interested in my little sermonette.
“Hey, I totally love your new CD, Chloe,” she said with bubbly enthusiasm. “I’ve been listening to it a lot.”
I nodded and controlled myself from looking longingly over her shoulder to where Allie and Marissa had just sat with Cesar and Jake. “Cool.”
And so it went, Tiffany and me hanging in the cafeteria, just the two of us. Oh my, what fun.
I watched David Letterman doing his Top Ten list last night. Yeah, I stayed up kind of late. But anyway, I’m thinking I should make a Top Ten list of reasons why I need to love Tiffany Knight. Okay, here goes nothing.
Top Ten Reasons for Loving
Tiffany Knight
(drumroll, please)
10. Because Jesus said to love our enemies.
9. Because if I don’t love her, who on earth will?
8. Because it will teach me that if I can love her, I can love anyone.
7. Because it will make me a better person.
6. Because it just might make her uncomfortable enough to bug off for a change.
5. Because she might feel guilty about being so mean to others.
4. Because I’m supposed to love my neighbors as I love myself.
3. Because she needs to experience unconditional love.
2. Because she might realize that God loves her way better than I can.
1. Because God is love, I belong to Him, and He will help me do this.
Wow, that was kind of cool. I actually began this little stunt thinking that I was going to write ten totally lame reasons, but then it started becoming the real thing. Now I feel as if I may be able to do this, with God’s help, of course. I suppose it helps to know that school will soon be out, and we’ll be leaving on tour by next week, so I won’t be seeing Tiffany Knight for several months. Oh, I am such a coward.
DESPITE ME
i am so hopeless sometimes
so clueless and incapable
i think i have all the answers
but really i am a fraud
if i can’t love the way You love
how can i call myself Yours?
if i can’t be Your hands, Your arms, Your heart
how can i be anything worthwhile?
o God, despite my inability
my failures, my weaknesses
despite my selfish little self
please, love through me
wholly and purely and selflessly
love through me
despite me
touch the world and show Your love
amen
Fourteen
Friday, June 3
Laura graduated from Harrison High with honors today. Hip, hip, hurray! But even more amazing than that was the way she stood up to her mom. Not in a mean way, but simply in an honest and loving way.
Her parents were having a party for her after graduation. Naturally, Laura invited her band buddies to come, and everything was going just fine until Mrs. Mitchell let something slip.
“Laura could’ve been valedictorian, you know,” she was telling a group of their church friends. “Up until this year she had a four point GPA.”
“Mom,” said Laura in an exasperated tone.<
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“Well, it’s true,” said her mom. “There’s no shame in mentioning it, Laura. And if you hadn’t been involved in your little rock band, I’m sure your GPA never would have dropped like it did this year.”
Now, I could tell by that flash in Laura’s dark eyes that she was ready to lay into her mom right then. But then I’ve never seen her be very disrespectful of her parents, and certainly not in front of a bunch of people. Still, there’s always a first time. I, for one, was praying for her to stay in control.
“First of all,” began Laura in a calm but surprisingly intense voice. “Redemption is not a little rock band.”
Her mother smiled. “Well, there are only three of you.”
“Right.” Laura nodded. “But as far as that valedictorian business goes, I would far rather be a member of Redemption than to have stood up in front of Harrison High and given a speech tonight.”
“But look at the influence you could’ve had for the Lord,” said her mother. “I don’t believe the valedictorian, Sarah Hardwick, was even a Christian.”
“Excuse me,” said Allie, stepping up importantly. “Perhaps you haven’t noticed, Mrs. Mitchell, but Redemption has a fairly widespread influence for the Lord.”
At least that made Laura laugh. “Yeah, Mom, we reach tens of thousands each month. By the end of summer we may have performed for a million.” She glanced over to Willy. “Does that sound about right, Mr. Manager?”
He nodded. “Yep. And that’s not even counting CD sales. I’d say you girls have a pretty good ministry.”
“That is absolutely wonderful,” said a woman from Laura’s church as she patted Laura on the back. “And we are all so proud of you, darling.”
An older man winked at Laura. “And don’t let your mother get you down, honey. When you’re not around, you should hear her going on and on about all the fantastic things you girls are doing.”
Laura grinned. “Thanks, Mr. Howell.”
And so it was all smoothed over. But I have to hand it to Laura for standing up to her mother. After all, Laura is eighteen, a high school graduate, and using her talents to serve God. I’d say the girl deserves some respect!
“Did you see what Rosy sent me?” Laura asked as the three of us girls went out into the backyard. She pulled out what appeared to be a framed photo and held it up.
“That is so cool!” exclaimed Allie.
I looked at the photo and laughed. “Hey, I forgot that Rosy took that.”
“Remember, we were hot and tired and none of us had a key to the bus,” said Allie.
In this classy photo, Allie, Laura, and I had all flopped down, hoping to shock Rosy when she finally came back to the bus. But there we were splayed out all over the sidewalk—arms and legs everywhere, mouths wide open with tongues hanging out, and eyes rolled back like we were having seizures. Very lovely.
“Wouldn’t that make a great CD cover?” suggested Allie.
Laura laughed. “Yeah, I’m sure Omega would agree with you.”
“Maybe it could be inside the CD case,” I said. “I think it’d be hilarious. Like ‘meet the real girls.’”
So we went and showed it to Willy, who does by the way have a nicely capped front tooth, and he thought it was a great idea.
“You girls,” said Elise. “You really want everyone to know that you’re crazy?”
Maybe so, I’m thinking. Maybe everyone should just lighten up and get a little crazy sometimes. And that, coming from a fairly serious girl like me.
GO CRAZY
sometimes you need to just go nuts
to lose your head and show some guts
sometimes you need to make things risky
to strut your stuff and just act frisky
sometimes you need to have some fun
to go outside and get some sun
sometimes you need to laugh then cry
to do what you’re afraid to try
sometimes you need to run the race
even though it’s a wild goose chase
sometimes you need to act deliriously
and not take life so doggone seriously
cm
Saturday, June 4
Another graduation. Today it was Josh. My parents and I drove up to his college and were totally blown away when Josh stepped up to the podium to give a speech. Okay, he wasn’t valedictorian (and who cares anyway?), but he’d been selected by his classmates to give an inspirational message. I think that speaks quite highly of him. And I must admit that I felt proud. I think being proud of someone else isn’t the same as being prideful about yourself. If I’m wrong, I’m sure God can correct me.
We went out for lunch afterward. I could tell that Josh was feeling a little low. I thought maybe he was sad to see this part of his education coming to an end.
“Are you sure you don’t want to keep going until you have your master’s?” asked my dad hopefully. This is a song he’s been singing a lot lately. Being in the education field himself, I’m sure he feels a responsibility to especially encourage his own children to the highest levels of academia. Unfortunately for him, my oldest brother Caleb has absolutely no interest (at the moment). And I’m afraid I’m not too anxious to begin my college career, even if I do graduate from high school early.
“Like I already told you,” said Josh. “I really feel I need to get out in the world a little before I go for my master’s. I want some life experiences to add to my education.”
“I think that’s smart,” I told him. “I personally like the idea of going to the School of Life.”
Josh chuckled. “You’re pretty lucky because your ‘School of Life’ actually pays pretty well.”
“Yeah, but it could be over with by August.”
“Willy told me that you girls have a really tough schedule this summer,” said Josh.
I nodded. “We’re really booked. Not only that, but a lot’s riding on us now. The new CD just released, and Omega’s expectation level is higher than ever.”
My mom frowned. “I hope they’re not putting too much pressure on you girls.”
“It’s okay,” I reassured her. “We can handle it. God never gives us more than we can take.”
“Just as long as you’re sure that God’s the One dishing it out,” said Josh.
“I thought Caitlin would be here today,” said my mom.
Now Josh frowned and I realized this was probably what was bumming him out. “Yeah, I thought she’d be here too,” he said. “Apparently I was wrong.”
“I know she’s got a lot going on right now,” I said quickly. “She just finished her finals and she’s getting ready for our tour. Plus, I heard that her grandparents are visiting right now too. I’m sure she just got really busy.”
He nodded and actually seemed relieved. “That’s probably it.”
“So, how are things going with you two these days?”
He shrugged. “I have absolutely no idea, Mom.”
“Caitlin’s a nice girl,” said my dad. “But there’s no point rushing these things, Josh. I don’t claim to know that much about spirituality, probably not half as much as you kids do, but I do believe that God has perfect timing for everything.”
I nodded. “So do I.”
“Did I tell you that I heard from Caleb a couple days ago?” said Josh. “Everything’s been so busy I almost forgot.”
Naturally, we were all very interested and listened intently as Josh filled us in. Apparently Caleb has a decent job and recently got an apartment of his own.
“But the best part was that he’s been going to Narcotics Anonymous,” said Josh.
“That is so cool,” I said.
“Do you think he’ll stick with it?” asked Mom hopefully.
“We can all be praying.”
“Well, this has been a moving day,” Dad said as he actually blotted his eyes with his napkin. “First I get moved to tears by my son’s amazing graduation speech. Next I hear that Caleb’s doing better.”
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��Guess I shouldn’t make any big announcements right now.” I winked at Dad.
He shook his head. “Better save it for next time.”
“You’re always getting the limelight anyway,” teased Josh.
“What? Are you jealous?”
“Sometimes I am,” he confessed. “But then I realize you’re doing what God has gifted you to do and there’s no way on earth I could do that.”
“And you’re doing what God’s gifted you to do,” I reminded him.
So, I guess that settles it. At least two of the Miller kids are trying to follow God’s purpose in their lives. And now it looks as though Caleb is actually making an attempt to get his life on track. I just pray that he lets God help him.
WITHOUT YOU
i am nothing
without You
i am hopeless
without You
i am empty and spent
without You
i am lost and lonely
without You
without You
i am not
amen
Fifteen
Tuesday, June 7
Ah, back on the road again. How I love this feeling. I wonder if I can even explain why it’s so incredibly exhilarating. It’s kind of like the carefree abandon of being a gypsy or a vagabond—singing for your supper. But in all fairness, this is paired up with a very serious feeling of responsibility. Does that make sense?
The carefree abandon part is being on the move, seeing new things, and not having to do much more than focus on music and performances. And of course, we have to stay focused on God too, and our relationships with each other. But those things are all pretty fun and fulfilling.
Now, the responsibility part is being ready—constantly ready—to be on stage and to do our very best. This can feel like a weighty load sometimes. But then I’m reminded to trust God. However, it doesn’t feel like a weighty load today. Not with the big blue sky stretching over us and nothing but green fields on either side and a great long strip of highway leading us to our next concert. This is good.
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