“Hey,” he said. “That’s exactly what I was going to do.”
I sat up and made room for him. “Great minds, you know.”
He smiled. “It’s been a busy summer for you girls. How you holding up?”
“I guess we’re doing okay.” I reached around and rubbed a sore spot in my left shoulder—playing guitar every night can mess with your muscles. “But I’m sure we could all use a good, long rest.”
“Your neck hurting you?”
I nodded. “Do you get that too? That thing right between your shoulder blades after a long night.”
“Yeah. Turn around.”
And so I did. And Jeremy began gently massaging the muscles around my neck and shoulder blades. And man, did it ever feel good. At first it was just the therapeutic touch on my sore muscles, but within moments, seconds even, I realized that I was feeling something else too. Something dangerous. But instead of listening to the little voice inside of me (the one that sounded just like Caitlin O’Conner tonight), I just sat there and soaked in all these amazing feelings.
“It’s been fun watching you girls growing up on this tour,” he said as he worked his thumbs in little circles around my spine.
“Growing up?” I queried, mostly just to keep him talking and rubbing my neck. Okay, I am shameless.
“Yeah. When I found out that Redemption was going to open for us, I was a little concerned. I thought you girls were too young. The truth is, I was a little insulted that Omega had paired us with you in the first place. But then I heard you play.”
“And you decided you could hang with the kiddies as long as they knew how to perform?”
“Exactly.” He laughed. “And you girls have continued to impress me throughout this whole year.”
“Well, thanks.”
He kept rubbing. “Thank you.”
Then it was quiet, and I began to feel pretty uncomfortable. Okay, I was feeling pretty good too, excited and just a little light-headed and crazy.
“I really respect you, Chloe,” he said in a quieter voice. “And I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I like you a lot too.”
I could feel my heart starting to pound now, so loud, I was sure that Jeremy could hear it too.
“And it’s even starting to bug me that you’re only seventeen.”
He stopped rubbing my shoulders, and I turned around to stare at him. “What?”
He smiled a funny smile. “Or maybe I wish I was Isaiah’s age.”
I’m sure the look on my face was somewhere between stunned speechless and oh-man-I-wanna-kiss-your-face!
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “That was out of line.”
I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t, Jeremy. I mean, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but I’ve wished the same thing since I first met you.”
“Really?”
I nodded. I think I actually thought I might’ve been dreaming just then. I thought maybe I was actually snoozing on the dusty old couch and just having this way cool dream.
“I broke up with my girlfriend.”
I felt my eyes growing wider. “Really?”
“Yeah. I knew that something had to be missing if I was spending more time thinking about you than her.”
“No way!” And then I did something totally stupid. I threw my arms around him and the next thing I knew we were kissing. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Passionately kissing, kissing, kissing, for several minutes that actually felt like several hours or maybe just a few fleeting seconds—oh, how do you know these things for sure?
I can feel my face burning even now just to be writing this down. But to be honest, my cheeks are probably burning with lust just as much as from embarrassment. I am, after all, only human.
Fortunately, we both realized what was happening and pulled away almost simultaneously. I could tell by the look on Jeremy’s face that he was just as shocked as I was.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have—”
“No, no, I’m the one who should be sorry, Chloe. I didn’t mean for—”
“Chloe!” It was Laura’s voice yelling for me. Thankfully she was still around the corner.
“I gotta go,” I whispered as I stood and ran to find Laura.
And that was that. Oh, I know I’ll have to talk to Jeremy. And I’m not even that worried about it. Of course, I realize there is no way we can continue a relationship like that. Okay, my mind knows this. My heart is singing a different tune.
The hard thing is going to be telling Caitlin, especially after she warned me. But at least she might have the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.” Not that she’s like that. She’s not. But I deserve it.
Still, even though I know I blew it, the weird and confusing part is feeling this crazy mix of emotions right now. I’m not even sure I can list them, but I’ll try.
Embarrassed. I thought I had more self-control.
Thrilled. To think Jeremy really has feelings for me!
Humbled. I really am only human.
Ecstatic. Jeremy broke up with his old girlfriend—for me!
Confused. I am only seventeen. How can I have such serious feelings?
Flabbergasted. The most amazing guy on the planet likes me!
Humiliated. To think I broke my pact with Allie and Laura. Big-time.
Dreamy. I wonder when we’ll get married. What will I wear?
Stupid. What am I thinking? I’m too young to get married.
Hopeful. Maybe if we both can wait, maybe God can work it out.
Lame. Why did I let this happen now? What about my music?
Repentant. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for God on this.
Now, as I said, I already confessed this all to God, and I know that He forgives me. And I know that what happened tonight, as long as it remains an isolated event, won’t jeopardize anything for our bands. I also know that I will do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But God is going to have to help me a lot with that.
MESSES
i disobey
and make a mess
and then it’s time
to confess
but why I didn’t
do it right
is why i am
awake tonight
cuz if i’d done it
with God’s blessing
it wouldn’t make
such a messing
if i’d honored
God’s best way
i wouldn’t dread
the break of day
cm
Nineteen
Sunday, August 14
Because we had an afternoon concert yesterday, I had to wait until the evening to have my conversation with Caitlin. I’d decided to talk to her first (before Allie and Laura) and see what she recommended for me.
But before any of that happened, I woke up (after about three hours of sleep) to find an envelope slipped under the door. It was the hotel stationery and addressed to me. I opened it up to find it was from Jeremy. I am taping this letter into my diary. It feels like one of those mementos that I will treasure always.
Dear Chloe,
I am so sorry that I took advantage of you last night. I never meant for that to happen and am not even sure how it did. But I do take the full blame. Please, forgive me.
As you know by now, I do have feelings for you. You’re the coolest girl I know and I love being with you. I love your creativity, your passion for life, and most of all, your heart for God. However, we both know that this thing between us is not going to happen right now. There’s too much at stake, and way too many people depending on us, to let this thing get out of hand.
I feel horrible that I let my feelings get away from me last night. Still, it’s a good reminder that I’m only human and perfectly capable of messing up. Thank God for His mercies, which are new every morning! But if we’re going to have a relationship, I must take the lead and let you know that I will be waiting for God’s timing in this and in all things.
I may
not get a chance to talk to you tomorrow, but if you look in the envelope, you’ll see a leather wristband. I know it’s kind of outdated with the old WWJD burned into it, but a good buddy gave it to me back in middle school. If you can forgive me and want to continue our friendship at a safe distance, please wear this tomorrow and I will feel reassured. And if I’ve really stepped over the line and messed us up for good, well, I just hope we can talk later.
Forgive me,
Jeremy
Oh, my heart felt so much better after reading that. Sure, I was still irked at myself, but at least I knew that Jeremy and I were on the same page. And I put on that wristband and wore it all day. I may wear it for the rest of my life, if Jeremy lets me keep it. But I’ll understand if he wants it back, especially since an old buddy gave it to him. And I do not think the WWJD is outdated. Good grief, I could’ve used this kind of guidance on Friday night when we were indulging in our big make-out session. It still scares me to think what would’ve happened if someone, like a music critic or anyone with a big mouth, had caught us like that. The spin they could’ve put on a story like that would’ve hurt us all.
I have to hand it to Caitlin. After I told her my story, she didn’t even get mad or say “I told you so.” But I could tell she was disappointed in both me and Jeremy.
“I’m really sorry, Caitlin. Believe me, I do wish I’d listened to you better. And actually I had been taking your advice pretty seriously, but then last night just sort of happened. It was weird.”
She nodded. “Yeah. It is weird. That’s what I was trying to tell you. When you really like a guy and he likes you … well, one thing leads to the next, and before you know it, you’re thinking about going to bed with him.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t—”
“Hey, Chloe.” She gave me the eye now. “That’s what you said the last time we talked, remember?”
I shrugged.
“It’s way easier said than done, isn’t it? And I know because I’ve been there. And I’ve had friends who’ve been there. And even though it feels wonderful and natural and beautiful at the time, it almost always blows up in your face eventually. Physical intimacy almost always leads to sexual intimacy, and sexual intimacy before marriage will always set you up for serious problems.”
Well, I wasn’t about to challenge her on this one. The funny thing was, I think she wanted me to. I think she was all ready to give me another little speech. But I guess she decided to save it for today. We girls had decided to have a partial day of rest by hanging at the hotel until it was time to hit the road at noon. And Caitlin was going to lead us in a devotional, but instead of doing our regular book, she did a devotional on sexual abstinence. Naturally, she had to tell the others that this was my fault. And of course, that required an explanation.
“Why don’t you tell them what’s going on, Chloe?”
Well, you could’ve heard a pin drop in our room, and that’s with thick plush carpeting. So, knowing she was right, since she’d told me that it was going to take all of us working together in honesty to prevent something like this from happening again, I told them about Jeremy and me.
When I was finished, they all looked stunned. Well, except for Caitlin. But I think Beanie’s mouth was actually hanging open.
“Now, you guys have to keep this confidential,” said Caitlin. “And the reason I encouraged Chloe to share this was so that we could all support her in her commitment not to let this happen again.”
“You won’t, will you?” said Laura. “I mean, it could really mess things up for both our bands. Jeremy is a grown man and you’re still a teenager.”
Okay, that irritated me. “But it would be okay if Jeremy liked you,” I said. “Since you’re eighteen.”
Laura smiled. “Well, I wouldn’t want to make you jealous.”
I threw my sandal at her.
“It does seem funny, doesn’t it?” said Beanie. “That this is such a problem because of your ages.”
“There’s more to it than that,” said Caitlin. “Both bands are constantly in the public eye to maintain the high standards that they represent in their music ministry. It’s only fair that they live up to them in their personal lives.”
“But what if they’re really in love?” said Allie. “What if God wants Jeremy and Chloe to get married?”
“Maybe He does,” said Caitlin. “But God still has a perfect timing for these things, and I suspect Chloe’s parents wouldn’t agree to it, at least not before she turns eighteen and graduates from high school.”
“I know something like this would freak my mom out,” said Laura.
“And do you think it would do anyone any good if Jeremy and Chloe started getting serious, like dating and kissing and getting more involved?”
“Maybe if Chloe were eighteen,” said Allie. “It wouldn’t matter so much then, would it?”
Caitlin smiled and we all knew this was her cue to begin her little speech. I knew that, because of me, we would all be forced to listen like a captive audience (the kind who are actually bound and gagged). But in the end it wasn’t really so bad.
“I’ve taught this to a number of girls’ groups,” she said. “And under the circumstances, it seems appropriate to share it again.”
“Did you know we used to call her Preacher?” whispered Beanie, and the three of us laughed.
“Make fun if you want,” she said. “But truth has a way of standing up to abuse.”
Then she began talking about herself and how she’d been in situations where what started out as a simple kiss quickly moved to a groping session that ended up with her feeling pressured to have sex. “Everyone else is doing it,” she said. “That’s one of the most common excuses you’ll hear. That and ‘you’ll do this if you love me.’ But think about it, do either of those make sense? First of all, everyone else is NOT doing it. Oh, sure, lots of kids are. But there are a lot who are keeping their heads, having a healthy life, serving God, getting ready for their futures, and not having sex. But it’s the second one that always gets me—you’ll do it if you love them. Well, how selfish is that?” She turned to Beanie. “You want to contribute anything here?”
And to everyone’s surprise, Beanie stole the show. She told us how she’d gotten involved with a guy during her junior year of high school, fallen head over heels in love, and been talked into having sex.
“It wasn’t even that fun,” she admitted. “But I thought it would make us closer. I thought it would show him I loved him. We were both Christians, and I honestly believed it was God’s will for us to be together forever. Having sex just seemed to seal it.”
“And did it?” asked Caitlin, but in a tender voice.
Beanie shook her head. “If anything, it drove us apart. It ruined our relationship completely and even caused him to fall away from the Lord.” Her eyes actually filled with tears now.
“Why?” asked Allie.
“Well, for one thing, I got pregnant.”
The room got even quieter.
Beanie took a deep breath. “Zach was a senior and had been offered a full athletic scholarship for track, and the last thing he wanted was a pregnant wife dragging him down. He dumped me faster than a worn-out pair of Nikes.”
“Oh, man,” said Laura.
“Yeah. I got so depressed that I even considered suicide. It just felt like my whole life was over. Like I’d lost everything and had nothing left to live for.”
I nodded, swallowing the lump that was steadily growing in my throat. I’d never known any of this about Beanie and felt honored that she was sharing so much with us now.
Caitlin had taken Beanie’s hand. “But God was there for you, right, Beanie?”
She smiled. “God and Caitlin and a couple of other good friends.”
“What happened to the baby?” asked Allie.
“I lost it.”
“She lost it,” continued Caitlin, “when she got hit by a car in order to protect my little nephew.”
“Oliver?” sai
d Allie. “You saved Oliver?”
Beanie nodded.
“Wow.” Laura shook her head in amazement.
I think all three of us were pretty moved by Beanie’s story. So much so that Caitlin let us off easy. “The main thing is,” she said, “I really believe God wants us to respect ourselves and our bodies. He wants us to keep ourselves pure for our wedding day, not to punish us, but so that we can enjoy a marriage relationship completely unhindered. When you’ve slept with other people, you end up dragging a bunch of emotional crud into your marriage—old hurts, insecurity, inability to trust. And from what I’ve heard, it can really mess with your sex life too. I mean, think about it—if you really love your husband, do you want for him or you to haul all your ex-lovers into the bedroom with you?”
We laughed about that. But I think I understand what she means. I know that when I get married (and okay, I hope and pray it will be with Jeremy), I don’t want either of us to have old “stuff” to deal with. Most of all, I’d rather we do things God’s way and as a result enjoy a really good relationship with each other. And I know that means waiting. In our case, due to our music and ministry, there really are no options. I understand this. And I have decided, once again, that waiting may not feel good, but it’s way better than messing everything up.
WAIT ON GOD
God’s clock is not ours
it goes its own pace
sometimes it’s so slow
sometimes it’s a race
sometimes we are waiting
and wondering when
and praying and hoping
we almost give in
but if we are patient
and wait til it’s time
the reward will be worth it
and all will be fine
cm
Twenty
Friday, August 19
Jeremy and I met for lunch today. Caitlin said it was okay because we were meeting in a public place. Besides, we needed to talk and get everything squared away. I can’t believe how nervous I was. You’d think I was getting engaged or something. Which I know is perfectly ridiculous. Caitlin has really been coaching me about how it’s important for Jeremy and me to remain good friends. But only friends.
Face the Music Page 11