She boarded the bus in a warm glow of anticipation, thinking of Sho, of the home they’d make together in Arkham, of the possibility that they’d meet other shoggoths. As the bus rolled through the pine barrens, though, Brecken suddenly thought: and what if she decides to go back to her own people? Wouldn’t that really be better for us both?
With that, the brightness trickled out of the day. It slowly sank in just how difficult it would be to keep on leading the double life she’d led since Sho first appeared in her kitchenette, with Sho on one side of a barrier, the entire human world on the other side, and every moment of Brecken’s life wrenched out of shape to keep the barrier in place. Professor Satterlee and the nameless man from the Fellowship of the Yellow Sign had their own equivalents of that barrier, but that was no source of encouragement, for Brecken could sense the terrible discipline they had to follow to keep the two worlds separate, and shrank from it.
And the alternative—
She could live without Sho. She knew that, clutched the knowledge to herself as the bus rolled through mile after mile of pine barrens. She could live without Sho, and it would be so much easier to live without her. She could sense all too painfully the bleeding hollow place in her that Sho’s absence would leave, but what if Sho wanted to leave? For the first time since they’d met, that was a possibility; there might well be a place Sho could go where she’d be safe and among her own people. The thought left Brecken feeling torn and aching inside, but what if that was what Sho wanted?
By the time the bus finally rolled to a halt by the transit mall beside Central Square she could think of nothing else. She headed down the stair, waited for her suitcase at the side of the bus, stepped out into afternoon sunlight, headed for Danforth Street and the long climb up to the foot of Hob’s Hill, and all the while her mind and her heart knotted themselves around a choice she could not make and could not avoid. As she passed the university buildings, she caught herself coming up with excuses for leaving Professor Satterlee’s news unmentioned, and nearly burst into tears of shame and anger. No, she told herself. No, the world doesn’t have eyes, but I do—and smiled despite herself, thinking that she’d finally understood part of the riddle.
By the time she crossed Dwight Street and Mrs. Dalzell’s house came in sight, she’d forced her shoulders back and fixed a smile on her face. I have eyes, she repeated to herself. I welcomed Sho into my life, and if it’s time for her to leave—
She got to the gap between houses, turned, and stared, her tangled thoughts scattered to the winds. A strip of yellow crime scene tape blocked the gap. Off beyond, the door of her apartment gaped wide, and from the look of it, someone had forced it open.
BRECKEN WAS STILL TRYING to process the scene when Mrs. Dalzell came bustling out from her house. “Oh, there you are, Brecken,” she said. “Thank heavens you’re back. It was such a shock—this sort of thing is just not something I—”
“What—what happened?” Brecken forced out.
“Why, I don’t know for sure. I didn’t hear a thing during the night, but when I got up this morning the door was open like that and someone had gotten in and made the most frightful mess. Of course I called the police right away, and they came and took a report, but I knew you were going to be back this afternoon—”
“Can I go in?”
“Oh, of course. I—”
Brecken ducked under the tape and hurried toward the apartment.
“—got the police to put the tape up to keep people from just walking on in,” said Mrs. Dalzell, following after her. “I’ve talked to Bill Callahan the locksmith—do you know him? Such a sweet old man. But I didn’t think I should get a new lock fitted until you got back, in case you got home and I wasn’t there to give you the key—”
They reached the broken door, and Brecken stared into the apartment in horror, seeing a jumbled mess inside. Had the people who’d killed the other shoggoths of Hob’s Hill found Sho at last? It seemed hideously likely. She turned to face Mrs. Dalzell. “Could you please go call him? I—I just need a few minutes—”
“Why, yes, and I should call the police back, too—”
Brecken closed the door in her landlady’s face, turned, and blanched. The apartment looked as though a small tornado had hit it. All the dresser drawers had been pulled out and their contents dumped on the floor. The closet door stood wide, too, and everything had been flung out of it. The piano and the kitchen seemed to be untouched, but Brecken barely noticed. The only coherent thing in the chaos of her thoughts was terror that something had happened to Sho. She was shaking and her heart pounded as she went into the middle of the apartment. In a whistle that was nearly a shriek: ♪Broodsister!♪
The moment of silence that followed encompassed whole worlds of dread. Then, muffled by wallboard, an answering whistle sounded: ♪Broodsister? It is well with you?♪
Brecken’s legs buckled under her from sheer relief, and she sat down abruptly on the floor. ♪Now it is,♪ she replied. ♪If you are safe and well, it is well with me.♪
♪I am well,♪ said the answering whistle. ♪And glad that you have come back.♪
A sliding noise sounded from somewhere above the closet. Something dropped and landed with a soft thud, and then Sho flowed out under the closet door. Brecken, her heart pounding, flung herself toward the shoggoth and tripped over a heap of clothing. Before she could fall, Sho lunged and caught her, lowered her effortlessly to the floor. A moment later they sprawled in a tangle of limbs and pseudopods.
Brecken sat up, and Sho flowed partway into her lap, put a pseudopod around her. A familiar washed-mushroom scent filled every breath she took. ♪Tell me, broodsister,♪ Brecken whistled. ♪What happened?♪
♪It was near the end of the night just past,♪ Sho told her. ♪I was in the hidden-place, as we agreed, and when I heard the door being broken I passed to the waking-side. I went up into the above-place and watched through a crack. A human with a light-colored head came in and scattered everything the way you see it. It had a thing with it that made light. Then it took a thing in its hand—a small thing, I do not know what it was—and left moving like this.♪ The shoggoth mimed stealthy movements. ♪Then there was nothing more until the light came back, and—♪ She made the wry trill that meant Mrs. Dalzell. ♪—came to the door and started making noises. Other humans came after that. I do not know what they did, but they did not take anything away with them.♪
♪Well, that’s something,♪ said Brecken. ♪I wonder who it was.♪ She shook her head. ♪But you’re okay. I was so frightened when I saw the open door.♪
A pseudopod touched her cheek. She turned her face, kissed it. ♪And I have wonderful news,♪ Brecken went on. ♪There is a home for us both in the place where I went. I spoke to those who teach singing there, and sang for them, and they were pleased. And I met an elder—♪ The shoggoth word meant “broodmother-of-broodmothers,” but it was the closest Brecken could find. ♪—who knows about your people. So I told her of you. She will welcome us both in her dwelling and we will go there together.♪
Nine eyes opened wide all at once. ♪We—we will both go?♪
♪Of course,♪ Brecken said, startled. A moment passed before she understood. ♪Long ago, not long after you first came to me, I told you that when I left this place, I would make sure it was well with you.♪
The shoggoth huddled down. ♪I did not think you would do otherwise—but I feared.♪
♪I understand,♪ said Brecken. ♪But I would not leave you in such a way.♪
Pseudopods flowed out, clung to her. ♪I have not had a name since you left,♪ Sho said. ♪I think now that my name today should be Foolish Fears.♪
Brecken laughed and kissed her again, but the laughter guttered out, for her own perplexities—chased away momentarily by the shock of the broken door—came rushing back to her. ♪Broodsister,♪ she said then, ♪there are many things I want to tell you but there’s one you have to know.♪ She drew in a breath, made herself tell Sho about
the other shoggoth colonies and the survivors Professor Satterlee had mentioned. As she spoke, Sho opened eye after eye.
♪And if you—♪ Brecken started to say, and could find no more words.
A moment passed, then: ♪I understand,♪ Sho said. ♪You think that I might wish to leave you to dwell with the others of my people, but it is not so.♪ She huddled down against the floor. ♪Unless you wish me to leave.♪
The choice that had tormented Brecken stood before her, inescapable. Eyes open, she made it. ♪Of course not, broodsister,♪ she whistled. ♪But I wished the choice to be yours.♪
Pale eyes regarded her. ♪You are so very kind to me.♪ A quiver passed through the shoggoth. ♪I am full of delight at the thing you have told me. There are dreams that I never thought to dream again, songs I never thought to sing, and now I will dream them and sing them. But when I meet those you have spoken of, I wish you to be beside me, and if I go to dwell with them it will be because you wish to dwell with them too.♪ She began to tremble. ♪Broodsister, broodsister, you are cool water in my dry places, you are the darkness that shelters me when the world is bright and hard. How could I bear to leave you? When I expected only death you were kind to me, when I was hungry and afraid you gave me food and comfort, and when I offered moisture to you, you shared yours with me. To leave you would be to tear myself in half.♪ Shyly: ♪And I think it would hurt you as much as I, and I would rather touch fire than do such a thing.♪
A lump stood hard in Brecken’s throat and tears trickled down her cheeks as she reached for Sho. Cool shapelessness flowed around her head and face, cradling her. When she could whistle again, she said, ♪I think my name today should also be Foolish Fears.♪
A quiver of amusement ran through the shoggoth. ♪You will forget which of us is me and which of us is you.♪ Her surface flowed, and all at once shaped itself into a good imitation of Brecken’s own face. Laughing through her tears, Brecken leaned forward and kissed her own lips. As she drew back the face flowed forward and, a little inexpertly, returned the kiss.
JUST THEN, OF COURSE, a knock sounded on the door of the apartment. Sho flowed back under the closet door, quick as thought, and Brecken got up, dabbed pointlessly at her wet face with one hand, and then went to the door and opened it, letting in the sunlight. Mrs. Dalzell and an old man with a toolchest stood outside on the walk.
“You poor child,” said Mrs. Dalzell, seeing her tears. “Oh, I know that this is all very stressful, but it’ll all work out just fine, you know, if you’ll just give it a chance. This is Mr. Callahan, or Bill, rather, who’s the locksmith I always call. He’s here to put a new lock on your door, of course, and I figured it would be best to get that taken care of right away.”
“Thank you,” said Brecken. “I—I’ll be okay. They didn’t take the things that really matter to me.” She stepped out of the locksmith’s way, and he gave her a brisk little nod and got to work extracting what was left of the old lock.
Mrs. Dalzell beamed. “Well, there you are. Life really does work out the way it’s supposed to, you know.” She chattered on as the locksmith worked. In the middle of it all a police car rolled up the alley, stopped, and disgorged a lean young man in uniform with an improbably large black mustache, who introduced himself as Officer Castro, asked a few desultory questions, gave Brecken his card, and told her to email him a list of the property of hers that was missing. Brecken promised she would, and he went back to the squad car and drove off. A few minutes later the locksmith finished, handed Brecken and Mrs. Dalzell each a bright new key, and headed for his van.
A few more minutes of aimless conversation passed, and then Mrs. Dalzell finally wandered off. Brecken went inside, closed and locked the door, and went to the closet. ♪What shall I call you today, broodsister?♪ she whistled. ♪I think I should not call you Foolish Fears when the fears are gone.♪
A soft sliding noise marked Sho’s reappearance. ♪That is true,♪ she said. ♪And I have been thinking. Today my name is Half Of A Circle.♪
Brecken knelt down and kissed her. ♪Then mine is The Other Half.♪
That got a ripple of delight from Sho, and they embraced for a long moment. ♪I wish to hear many things about the place we will go,♪ Sho piped then, ♪and about the broodmother-of-broodmothers who knows about my people and will welcome us there, and—and everything else you saw and heard and did and learned while you were away. But first, maybe we should put all these things in the places they should be.♪
They spent most of an hour at that task. Time and again, as they put things back in order, Brecken was sure she’d figured out what the thief had taken, only to find it under a heap of clothing or an upturned drawer. It was only after everything was back where it belonged, and Brecken had gone to the kitchen to get some cheese polenta cooking, that she realized why there was extra space in the bottom drawer of the dresser, and went back to look to be sure. Later, she emailed the police to tell them the only thing that had been stolen was a book, The Secret Watcher by Halpin Chalmers: a used copy full of marginal notes, worth only a few dollars.
Later still, after the two of them dined on cheese polenta, after Brecken told as much about her trip to Arkham as she could figure out how to say in the shoggoth language, and after they’d celebrated Brecken’s return in a more intimate way, Brecken pressed her bare skin against iridescent blackness scented with the deep warm smell of earth, drew a quilt over them both, and pondered her own feelings. The dizzying intensity of their first weeks together had faded, but something firm and glowing had replaced it, and her nights alone, her tangled thoughts on the trip back from Arkham, and the sudden shock of the broken door had brought home to her just how much she’d come to need Sho.
I will spend the rest of my life with her, she thought. That realization left her awed and delighted, but it also hurt. Talking about Sho to June Satterlee and the nameless man from the Fellowship of the Yellow Sign made it all the more painful that she would never be able to introduce the one she loved to Aunt Mary and Uncle Jim or to her circle of friends. There would always be a gap in her life between the few who could know and the many who couldn’t, and she could sense already how that would ache.
Darren’s in the same situation right now, she reminded herself. Of course that was true, but sensing the gap he had to deal with made it no easier for her to face the much broader gap before her. She tried to chase away her thoughts, nestled closer to Sho.
A pale luminous eye blinked open close to her face, pondered her, and a speaking-orifice opened. ♪You are thinking.♪
♪Yes.♪
♪What of?♪
♪The two of us,♪ Brecken whistled. ♪How we’ll be together for as many summers and winters as we live.♪ Sho quivered in response. ♪And you?♪
♪I am thinking,♪ said Sho, ♪that since I will live among your people, it will be well for me to learn your language. I am glad that you learned my language, and I hope you will speak it with me often in time to come, for your voice will always remind me of the kind words you spoke to me when I first met you.♪
Brecken blushed, kissed her, and said, ♪Of course I will.♪
♪I thank you, The Other Half,♪ Sho piped. ♪ But there will be others I should speak with—the broodmother-of-broodmothers, and the servant of that one who must not be named, and maybe others. So I will need to know your people’s language.♪
♪I’ll teach you,♪ Brecken promised.
♪It is well.♪ A pseudopod flowed around Brecken’s face, and she nestled her cheek into it. ♪And there is another thing. If I am to speak to other humans I should have a name of your people’s kind, one that does not change. Will you give me one?♪
Brecken bit her lip, then: ♪I’ve done that already. When I first held you, before we both went to the dreaming-side together, I wished you to have a name I could always remember.♪
Four eyes popped open. ♪Please tell me what it is!♪
“Sho,” Brecken said.
The shoggo
th paused, and then tried to repeat it, managing a hiss with a tone on the end. Brecken said it again, and Sho repeated it, a little more accurately. After half a dozen exchanges, she managed a fair imitation of Brecken’s voice, then said, ♪That is it?♪
♪Yes,♪ said Brecken.
♪Broodsister, broodsister, you are so very kind to me, to give me such a gift!♪
Brecken put her arms around the shoggoth and kissed her. ♪I am glad you’re going to learn my people’s language,♪ she said, ♪because there are words I know to tell you how dear you are to me, and I want you to know those words too and know what I’m saying.♪
Pseudopods flowed out and clung to her. They were still twined together when Brecken woke the next morning.
FIFTEEN
An Anchor for Dreams
THE NEXT DAY WAS THURSDAY, and though the one thing she wanted just then was to spend every possible minute with Sho, she made herself send an early morning text to Darren, asking whether his parents had come yet and whether their plan was still on. The answer came back minutes later: NO SIGN YET C U @ FUMIS. She sent back a quick answer, and then headed down to Fumi’s at the time they’d agreed on.
Partridgeville’s streets were still half empty, and a good many of the businesses were closed for spring break, but she found the restaurant without any trouble: a storefront a block or so west of Tuchman Hall with a bright green awning over the windows. Inside, a random assortment of Japanese decor tried and failed to hide the stark utilitarian lines of the space. Most of the tables were empty, but there was Darren in back, next to a painted screen with the images of ornate carp on it. Brecken headed that way once she’d chatted a little with the hostess.
Darren gave her an assessing look as she reached the table. “Hi. It looks like you’ve gotten good news.”
The Shoggoth Concerto Page 25