by Tara Brown
I force myself to look up at his face.
He looks hardened and distant for a moment but then his look changes as regret trickles across his face. He looks at me and shakes his head, looking ashamed. “Sorry. I didn’t realize you were a virgin. Most girls your age—well, you know.”
I don’t know. Most girls what? Is virginity such a bizarre thing? My stomach hurts like a monthly cramp for a second. He steps back and removes bloody gloves and I see a glint of metal. “All done."
He slips some white thick cotton underwear into my hand. “You will need these. Go back to the waiting room."
I look at the padding in the center of them. They are like the rags I've made myself. I feel sick. He leaves the curtained area and then the room.
The girl looks worried. I shake my head. “It's okay.” She isn’t fooled. The tears streaming down my face tell her otherwise.
I pull the underwear on over my slippers and lift my butt to get them underneath me. They feel thick and heavy between my thighs. My chest is rising and falling rapidly. I don’t want to scare the little girl, but I am a little girl too. In my heart, I'm still the nine-year-old running through the woods—the nine-year-old who was lost and confused. I don't feel as though I've aged. I've grown cold and bitter but aged, no.
I push myself up and sit on the bed for a minute before I have to move on from this moment. I hate that I can see half her face through the curtain from where I sit. She looks scared. I have a horrid feeling she might understand what just happened, maybe even better than I do.
I step gingerly off the bed and walk around the curtain. My stomach hurts like I'm having my monthly. It's never hurt like this though and I feel sick in a dirty way. That place between my legs was supposed to be special and no one was meant to touch it unless I got married or dated them for a long time. But those rules are from before and this is not that world anymore. We burned that world and all the special places with it.
She stands and takes my finger. We walk from the room and down the hallway. The other women in the waiting room look me over. I see relief on their faces when they don’t see a difference.
I am different.
I think I’m broken for the first time ever.
I sit back down and try to ignore the feeling of the warmth in my underwear. She snuggles into me. If we could join skin and become one person I think she would ask for me to do it. She’s terrified, I can feel it in her trembling body.
"You can come with me now.” I glance up at a woman in a white coat and matching pale-blue pants and top. The other women want to ask me things. I can feel the tension in the air from it. I look at them. I can't smile and tell them it will be okay, so I stand with the girl and follow the nurse.
"So now that that part is over with, we will assign you a room. This is where you will stay for your duration with us.” She has short brown hair that’s styled with big round curls. She is shiny and clean. I've never seen anyone like her. Her skin glows. There is no old dirt anywhere.
She is the whitest person I've ever seen.
"I'm Gloria. I'll be here with you guys. We do a rotation—four nights and then four days and then four off. If you don’t see me for four days, don’t panic. It's just my days off."
I don’t know what she's talking about. Days off from what?
"So you'll be in the wing where the women who are younger stay until they give birth. How old are you, sweetie?"
When I look up she is raising a perfect brown eyebrow at me. I can't place her age. She is ageless. She acts like the older women in the towns but she looks my age.
"Nineteen,” I mutter.
"Okay. So yeah, the girls in your wing are anywhere from about sixteen to twenty-eight.” She lowers her gaze as she walks. “And how old are you, honey?” The little girl ignores her and tightens her grip on me. The nurse shrugs.
I look down at the girl who is curled into me. “I think she's about twelve at the most.”
Her eyes don’t rise to meet mine. They stay fixated on the girl. “You sure you wouldn’t be happy with the other younger girls? They all live together. They have TVs and video games over there."
Her little head is trembling.
Gloria's eyes meet mine again. “Give her a little time. She'll be begging to get away from the lot of you hormonal women."
I want to tell her I'm not a woman. I'm not.
She uses her wrist card to bring us through a large metal door and suddenly the air is warmer. It feels like a nice night with the fire lit, but with a cool breeze blowing in the window. Not stuffy, but cozy.
I almost jump as other girls are walking about as we turn a corner. I see swollen bellies and rosy cheeks everywhere. They look like Gloria. Shiny and clean. I look down at my hands and frown. Will those spots of dirt ever come out? Will I look like these girls if I stay here?
The area we are in looks amazingly bright and clean. Everything is white. It's styled like a house I saw in a magazine at the cabin. There are couches, plush pillows, and a fireplace with glass over the hearth. There is a kitchen like I've never seen before. It looks like a restaurant from the same magazine.
Girls are sitting and eating at small tables in the kitchen or on the couches. Some are walking and rubbing their bellies. They're all dressed in white robes, pants, and tops. Everything they're wearing looks fluffy almost. The entire open kitchen and living room is surrounded by glass. A small garden is on the other side. There are windows on the other side of the garden. It must be a private garden and surrounded by the building we are in, except the roof. Real sunlight filters in from the roof of the garden.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see her.
Gloria is talking about a room where we have to spend a certain number of hours a day listening to music, working out in a gym, and swimming in a pool. I don’t care about any of it because I see her, the girl I came for.
She is sitting at a table. Her hair is the first thing I recognize. It's dark and shiny, in a way that looks like she's run oil through it. Her white skin is bright and clean. Her lips curl into a smile as she speaks to the blonde girl next to her, but it’s hollow and dead, like her eyes. I can't imagine the transformation that has occurred in such a short amount of time. She looks like a person from a magazine. She looks like she belongs in the white room with the white girls everywhere. Suddenly, I notice everyone is white in clothes and skin color. There are no other types of people here. The borderlands are diverse. This is the only group of all white people I've ever seen. It's creepy.
The girl curls into me when we see the ladies in the room start to take notice of me. Their eyes look haunted as they see me. They bite their lips and try not to cry. I see it in their faces and fake smiles.
Anna's dark head turns slowly. Her eyes recognize me and pain crosses her face. I give a subtle shake of my head as her lips tremble.
"So where do I sleep?” I ask.
Gloria's lips curl into a big grin. “This way.” She points to an open hallway. I walk through the room, never letting my eyes fully take in Anna again. I float across the room and ignore her, even though I know exactly how many running steps it would take me to cross the room. I know how long it would take to stab the cooking knife on the counter into Gloria. I know how much force it would take to break the glass that surrounds the room. I know how long it would take for me to climb the drain spout leading to the roof.
What I don’t know is how fast the girl could do it all. I know how Anna would do. I can see the fight in her eyes, even though I'm not looking at her.
I follow Gloria down a long, wide white hallway with wooden benches that stand out against the white everywhere. They are covered with white pillows and nestled next to huge potted plants. The greenery is bright, compared to the white pot the plant is in. The brown dirt inside of it makes me miss the forest.
"So this will be your room, and since you have her, you won't be getting a roommate."
She opens a white door and reveals a room with two beds covere
d in soft-looking blankets. There is a closet that's open with white fluffy clothes inside. There are robes and gowns and fuzzy-looking pajamas that I would have worn as a child. I imagine the sight of a girl running across the brown borderlands in one of these stark-white outfits, and I know why they’ve made everything this way.
I step into the room and feel exhausted instantly. The bed is inviting. The clothes make me want to stay. It's a fleeting feeling of someone taking care of me. I let it sit inside of me for a moment.
"Well, if you need anything, you just push the red button here.” I turn to see the only thing with any color. A red panic button on the wall. I'd seen them at the hospital in the bathroom. Dad said they were for sick people who fell while going to the bathroom. The idea of it always made me shiver—being on the floor with one of those cruel backless gowns spread everywhere, unable to get up.
Gloria touches my arm, and I resist the urge to break her creamy-white fingers that are manicured with bright-red nail polish. “I will have someone down to rehydrate you two."
She lets go and is gone.
The girl has walked away from my armpit. I close the door and turn to her.
"I'm Emma. What's your name?"
She looks at me with her bright-blue eyes that seem muted without the filth all over her face. "Sarah."
"How old are you?" I ask as I go and sit on the bed on the left-hand side.
"Eleven." She sits beside me. I guess we are sharing a bed. I lie down and stare at the bright-white ceiling and wonder if it will dull in the night or if it glows in the dark. Everything is too bright and too clean. I’m exposed.
Our door bursts open as Anna leaps in, scaring Sarah into a ball. Anna closes the door and fights the tears that stream down her cheeks. “You came for me?"
"Will and Jake are waiting for us in the woods. We have to get outta here." I am off the bed and hugging her into me instantly. She feels heavier—less gaunt.
She pulls back. “Will? Will who?"
"Your brother is alive, Anna."
"No. No. It's the wrong Will. I know it."
I nod. “It's him. He's with Jake. He's fine. He's part of a rebellion now."
She laughs. “Well, you've definitely met the wrong Will.” I laugh with her but her eyes glass over and she sniffles. “I can't believe he's alive. All this time.” She stops herself from losing it and looks at Sarah. “What's with the girl?"
I look back and wink. “We met in the dark."
Anna smiles at Sarah. “I'm Anna."
"Sarah.” Her little voice is scared again. The strength she mustered is gone.
"They're coming to see me and rehydrate me."
She nods. “It's not so bad. Just a small needle and a bag of water that drips for about two hours. They'll bring you food too. The food is good. It's full of fat and flavor."
I look at her stomach and can't help but wonder. She has been here for days. Have they already put a baby in her?
She rubs her belly. “They have spent the last few days getting me healthy. They won't put anything in there yet. It's not as bad as we thought. It's done with robots and needles and they put you to sleep."
"I know. Will knew all about it.” I raise my eyebrows, hoping she will get the hint to stop talking about it.
She shakes her head, looking mystified like she doesn't trust it. “Will? Weird. I can't wait to see him. I wonder where he was all this time?"
"He was in the breeder farms for a while."
She grimaces. “Gross."
Before she can get into details and scare Sarah, I change the subject. “How are things here?"
"It's not that bad."
"We need to figure a way out of here."
Anna grins. “I will miss the food. Better than Jake's cooking. What's the plan?"
I shake my head. “Give me a couple days to work it out."
She sits on the empty bed. “Okay.” She sighs. “How's Will? Is he okay? I can't believe he's alive."
“He’s different than Jake, completely. He isn’t like you said at all, not anymore. Being in here probably changed him. He’s strong and he bosses everyone around, but at the same time he keeps everyone safe. He’s with the rebellion so there are camps and people everywhere. They live together, like before but in the woods.”
Her eyebrow cocks, making my face flush. “I just mean, he’s good. He’s got girls in camps that he dates, I think. Uhm, he's a man, and he plays the guitar and sings. He's quite good.” I look down immediately. I don't know why my mouth won’t shut and why I can’t stop repeating the same things.
Her jaw is hanging open. “Really?” She bursts into a giggle. “Oh, no way. You and him?"
“What? No. No.” I shake my head, but I can feel the heat on my cheeks betraying me. “No. No, he's good. He looks good. He just sings and looks good. That's all." I don't know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s the nerves of being here.
She covers her face. “Gross. What about Jake?"
“It’s not like that, they’re your brothers.” I feel like an idiot. “It's not what you think. Really, it's not. I like them both as friends. Both."
Anna raises an eyebrow and looks at Sarah. “Hmm, I think she has bewitched both of my brothers." Sarah is giggling and covering her mouth.
I am humiliated.
Anna kicks a leg at me. “Oh, they're big boys. Let them fight over you. I will say, I hope Jake wins though. At least in some corner of this world people are still falling in love. Let me tell you, there is no love in this place."
“There is no winning, Anna.”
The door opens and carts are wheeled in, saving me the humiliation of talking anymore. My stomach almost rips itself from my body when I smell the steaming food on one of them. Sarah looks like she might attack the lady pushing the cart.
She lifts the lid and I see spaghetti and meatballs. Tears flow before I can stop them. Sarah is at the cart shoving one of the trays of food into her mouth like a wild animal, before I can stop her. I look at the cart lady but she just laughs. “We all know that feeling, honey.” She passes me the other tray before Sarah can eat it too.
I use the fork and twirl the noodles. I am dragging out the first bite. The sauce is glossy on the plump noodles. I close my eyes and let the heat and flavor fill my mouth.
I am at my granny's table.
I am laughing at the show I'm watching as the noodles slop on my face and fill my mouth.
Had I known it would be the last time I ever ate my granny's spaghetti sauce, I would have savored every second of it.
Here in this frightening white room, I am grateful for every bite that fills my mouth. I don’t even chew every bite. I swallow mouthfuls of noodles before I realize I'm running out. I pace myself and savor the last few bites. My stomach cramps as the food hits it.
Sarah eyeballs the meatballs on the side of my plate. I nod. She takes them, stuffing them into her mouth one after the other. I'm certain she never chewed them at all, but swallowed like a snake.
She burps and I frown but the lady with the carts is laughing.
Full and covered in red sauce, I sit back, sweating from the amount I've eaten.
"Yeah, you're gonna puke. I did the same thing. It was cutlet night and I threw up everywhere."
Sarah shakes her head and lets the cart lady wash her down. Suddenly she looks less like an animal and more like a kid.
The lady hands me a warm white cloth. I wash myself and sigh into it. I love this place. I will let them put as many babies as they want in my belly. I will give them anything they want. I never want to leave here.
She smiles a soft smile, and I notice for the first time that she is black. She is the first black person I've seen all day.
"I just need to put a needle in your arm. Want to get comfortable for me?"
I lie back on the bed and cherish the grossly full feeling in my belly.
"Do they keep the nationalities separate?"
“What nationalities?” she scoffs. “Honey, th
ere ain't no black people in here, except us nurses. I ain’t seen anyone but white people since I started working here."
I'm lost. “Is there another center for other people?"
“No.” Anna clears her throat. “They're only breeding the whites around here.”
The disgust on my face makes the nurse laugh. “That was my thinking. Now this is going to pinch a tiny bit."
She wipes my arm and moves swiftly. I don’t even register her movements. I just notice she has a needle hanging out of my arm. Sarah is beside me and curled up in my armpit. She's hurting my side by lying on it because I'm so full.
The needle is suddenly pulled away and a rubber hose is sticking out of my arm. She wraps it up with tape. She looks at Sarah and raises an eyebrow. “Now if I leave you a bottle of water, will you drink it, or do I have to give you a needle too?"
Sarah puts her hand out to the sweet-looking nurse. She puts the huge bottle of water in her hands and chuckles. “Figured as much."
"I would have drank a bottle of water,” I say.
She shakes her head of curly hair that I notice is shiny too. “Nope, you gotta have that needle. They need you to take meds and antibiotics." She squeezes my hand. “I am so sorry, honey.” Her eyes glass over for a second, and I have the strangest feeling that I might be able to trust her. She is the first person who hasn't acted happy and cheery for no reason at all. She lets go of me and hooks several plastic bags to the clear hoses running into my arm. Water starts dripping into the hose, and as it hits my needle mark, my arm gets cold there.
"How's that feel?"
"Cold."
She nods. “Okay, I will check on you in a bit. Try to rest."
She wheels the food carts out and pokes her head back in and gives Sarah a stern look. “You drink that now, you hear?"
Sarah cracks open the plastic lid and starts drinking. The nurse chuckles again.
Anna watches my arm. She looks distant.
"What's the deal with only white women being bred?"
She shrugs, “Well, you and I aren’t women, firstly. We're girls. Secondly, I don’t know. Some of the others have said they think it's like the Second World War where the racists wanted everyone else dead."