by Tara Brown
He shakes his head like he is reading my mind and sits across from me. “You aren’t responsible. Muriel has talked them down. Everyone knows it's not your fault." He turns and speaks to a man with a baby in his arms and a scared-looking woman next to him.
Will’s words change nothing. I sip the water, knowing I’m to blame.
My arm stings suddenly as if it’s a delayed reaction. I look at my blood-soaked shirt and wince as I pull it back. The bullet grazed my arm and there is a thick scrape that burned out a path along my left bicep.
Leo is beside me, licking my hand. I pat his head. “It's nothing. Just a scratch."
Mona walks over, smiling. “You are one crazy girl. I will give you that. You are balls-to-the-wall nuts."
Will snorts and walks away. He still looks pissed as he follows the man away from me.
Mona pulls my shirt open and looks at the quill marks on my chest and hands. "These are infected. That's going to get infected.” She points to the bullet wound.
I shrug. “I've shown up at camp in worse shape than this."
Mona’s eyes flash. She pretends to be looking at my wounds but whispers in my ear, “You need to lead these women to the retreat, not to Marshall. They can't stay at the camp with Marshall and everyone. They don't have enough food and supplies for all these women. Plus, you're sort of showing Marshall up. You just single-handedly rescued over fifty women and children."
“What? No, I had help." My heart stops.
She nods subtly. “He isn’t going to take kindly to you leading a mission to save all those women. People are going to ask how come he never did it."
"He's a moron. People should be asking what he's doing up there. He wants to take the city, who cares about the city? He’s obsessed with it. I saw the maps."
"Well, either way, you need to take them where he can't touch them." Her voice is weird, like she knows something else and isn’t saying it.
"Does he know we have to hike all the way to the retreat with all these babies and pregnant women?” I whisper just as softly as she does. She knows who I am asking about. She nods and glances sideways at Will. "What was his opinion?"
She chuckles softly. “Honey, he came and saved you. That’s as far as he got."
My stomach warms but I roll my eyes. “He did the same for Star. I'm pretty sure I know what he wants. Once he gets it, I will be just another her. See the way he leads her around now. She follows him like a lost puppy."
Mona crosses her arms. “That’s not exactly how it is."
I raise an eyebrow and feel my face flush. “I heard you guys all talking the other night. They called her a piece of meat, and me. I might not know a lot of things, but I know what that is."
It's her turn to blush. I nod. “As I thought. Anyway, the lost puppy thing isn’t really my thing. I like to be the hero, not the simpering damsel."
Mona cleans my wound with a salve from her kit. “Well, that's what I like the most about you."
“My granny always told me not to fall for boys who care what they look like or play in a band."
Mona laughs. “Sound advice."
I can't stop imagining him singing and playing the guitar. The way his lips move when he sings makes me feel funny—good funny. “Yeah, well, fat lot of good it did me. I always have to do things the hard way it seems." Because even if I won’t say it aloud, I like Will. I just don't know where to put that. The fighting doesn't diminish it and the bossy jackass he becomes just makes it worse. I don't get it or myself. It’s like living this dangerous life has made me like boys who aren’t exactly what you would call safe bets on happiness.
She puts a bandage on me and smiles. “Speaking of doing things the hard way, me and Joe are gonna come with you. To the retreat. We've had enough of Marshall and his laziness anyway. They sit on that damn mountain and plan things that never come to fruition.”
I don’t know what that word means but I can guess. “He isn’t my favorite either."
I look at the huge group we now have with us. There are pregnant women everywhere and little kids. The oldest isn't two yet, because that’s when the doctors take them. They are going to hate the two-day hike to the retreat. It's going to take more like four. I cross my arms and look at Mona. “I'm taking them to the first camp. Marshall and the other people there can kiss my butt. We'll stop one day at the camp and then leave the next morning. They can live with one day of sharing supplies and food."
Mona eyes me up and nods. “Okay, if that’s what you want to do."
"I'm not in charge, Mona. I just don’t see how all these babies are going to make it that far without at least one day of help."
She raises an eyebrow at me. “You sure you're not in charge?"
I frown. “Yeah. I'm positive. Will is in charge.” He avoids it as much as I do, but I know everyone listens to him when it counts. Except me, but I think I might need to start. I scan around the camp and sip my water.
I notice the new girls look different than the rest of us. They are shiny and clean still. It makes me grin. “I'm pretty sure we won't have any shortage of male volunteers to help with them."
She laughs. “They are all healthy and fertile young women. Not to mention, how pretty they all are."
I look at her. “It's creepy, isn’t it?"
She nods. “Very. Like cyborgs."
I don’t know what she is talking about but I nod. Cyborgs must mean pretty.
Will is talking with one lady who has a small child in her arms. He appears to know her. I wonder if any of the babies are his. It makes me disgusted even though I know it's not fair.
Joe pulls Mona away and I barely notice. I am lost in thought and smiling. I can't help but love the fact that Mary is going to be pissed when we get there. There are at least fifty, if not seventy-five, gorgeous young women in our group. Mary won't be the special one at camp anymore. I wonder how many she will kiss the way she kissed me. My face flushes as I bring my fingers to my lips. She’s so strange and yet I like her. She’s like Jake.
"Thinking about me?"
I look up at Will, shaking my head and blushing even more.
He still looks pissed. “My brother?"
I scowl.
“Then I don’t even want to know who else you’ve been kissing," he sighs.
I am tired and still feel sick, but he’s making me sick and tired of him. So I get up to leave as he grabs my arm, not realizing it's been shot. It makes me wince and cry out.
"Emma, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Can we just not do the whole grabbing each other thing?” I ask, cradling the arm in my other one.
“What’s that?”
“I got shot. It’s nothing."
He sighs and pulls me into him. “Stop pushing me away, Emma. Let me take care of you.” He lifts me up and carries me away from the noise. There is so much of it. I notice a buzz in my ears when we are far away from it.
“I don't need taking care of.” I hate that his warm, strong touch makes me want to act feeble and give into it. I wonder for a brief second if Star used to be a competent girl and if he ruined her.
"What?"
"Nothing."
He sets me down on a log. “What? I felt you tense."
"It's nothing. I was just wondering something." Something I know I shouldn't say.
"And that was?"
"Did Star used to be a normal girl or has she always been the puppy dog that follows you around? Did you ruin her?"
“Seriously?” He rubs his eyes, looking exhausted. “Emma, you drive me insane. Can't you just leave it alone? It's private."
My brow knits. “I can, yeah.” I climb off the log and walk away. He grabs my arm again and I cry out.
He winces, “Sorry. Damn, I keep forgetting."
“Yeah, I know exactly how that feels.” I mutter, “I watch you sing and be sweet, and I forget what you're really like."
He looks like he's holding his breath or his temper back or both for a couple seconds.
“She was being assaulted savagely when I met her. Imagine the worst thing you can think of happening to a fifteen-year-old girl. I was escaping and I saw them. I tell everyone I met her at the breeder farms, but that’s not entirely the truth of it. She was out front in the back of the truck with four of them in the parking lot. There were other women back there. It was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen."
I shiver and gag a little. The women who were kept behind. Their faces will haunt me the rest of my life. I remember them sitting at the back of the truck. I remember the screams.
"I saved her. I saved them. That's it."
"How?” I feel like an ass. I wish I could take it back.
"I killed them. I killed all four of them. She's been very—uh, well, grateful ever since."
Grateful . . . gross. . . . “Grateful?"
"She thinks I'm her knight in shining armor. I take care of her. She goes where I go. She cooks for me and stuff. Grateful. She feels safe when she’s with me. Why?"
Words fly from my lips before I can think about them. “She's grateful. That's disgusting. She doesn’t act like any victim I've ever seen. The women I've seen who were raped are timid and shy. She acts like a whore. She's always half naked and hanging off you. What did she think was going to happen, Will? What did she think happens to girls who dress like that?"
"Emma!"
I know it's the wrong thing to say, but it's the way it seems to me. No one talks about the things that are right in front of them.
He takes one of his giant steps and holds my arms. I don’t cry out but I tremble when his fingers dig right into the wounds on me. He jerks me slightly. “Why would you say such a horrid thing?” He tilts my face but I avert my eyes. I don't want him to see that I’m a little ashamed, not a lot but a little, of what I said.
He grabs at me, but Leo has had enough of this and dives at Will, knocking him to the ground. He growls at Will's throat.
I wrap my hand around my wound, where Mona has butterflied it, to try to stop the warm liquid running down my arm. His eyes notice the red liquid seeping through my fingers and his face fills with regret. "I just can't stop hurting you.” His words sound broken somehow. They don’t make complete sounds. “You just make me so mad."
I don't see him clearly because I’m in agony. I still see the guy I like more than I want to. I still hear his haunting voice filling the smoky forest, singing with so much passion. I still hear his words in the tent and feel his hands on my back. But I need to see that we don't match, we won’t ever. So I swallow hard, grip my arm, and nod. “I think you need a girl like Star. She always needs you to rescue her. I'm not the right girl for you. We both talk with our hands and get too angry, like one explosion setting off the other. I think that's the thing I like the most about your brother and what makes it easy to be his friend. He just wants me to be me. He doesn’t want to try to run me or save me. Do me a favor when we get to the camp, and just stay there. I don’t want or need your help. Go be with Star and her short shorts, ‘cause that's the sort of girl for you—a doormat."
“Did you ever think I don't want to be your friend, Emma?”
“Yeah, well—I don't want to be yours either.”
For the first time, I see pain on his face—real pain, and I don’t feel the satisfaction I imagined I would from telling him off. The ache in my heart feels like it's fractured. I’m dizzy but I turn away from the pain I've caused and walk to Mona, who can repair my arm at least. I'm not sure what to do about my heart though.
We hike the whole next day to get to the camp, not stopping much for babies and toddlers. People take turns carrying them and pregnant women push on, using strength I didn't know they had. It’s painful and desperate at some points, but seeing the camp and the excitement on everyone's faces is worth it for all of them. Families reuniting. Husbands and wives embracing in fits of kissing and tears. This should be the payment for the pain, but my heart feels barren and dry.
I spin in a circle and watch the villagers running at loved ones and strangers alike. Tears of joy and excitement are everywhere, at every turn.
A pair of dark eyes watch me from the corner. I smile at them. He laughs and shakes his head. He points at his tent and then me. I walk to him, but not fast enough. I am still in the crowd when Star comes running at Will and jumps into his huge arms. I heave a bit as he hugs her.
Marshall slams me on the back in what would be a friendly pat on a man's back. My tiny back aches from it. “You are a real pain in my ass. I should have killed you when I had the chance. I'm not even kidding. I knew you were trouble the minute I met you. Too damned smart and too damned pretty.” He paces the tent when we get inside.
I stand, ready to receive the only real tongue-lashing I have ever endured. Part of me wants to cry. The other part refuses and forces a snotty look, which my father hated, across my face.
Instead of screaming at me, like I had assumed he would, his face turns bright red and he smiles. “How? How did you do it? How did so many get away?"
I'm stumped. He's being nice. Nice-ish.
"Luck.” It's all I really have to offer.
He watches me for a minute and then belts out the most terrifying laugh I've ever heard. I jump, startled by the sound.
Leo is at the entrance growling but I wave my hand at my thigh to signal.
"You cheeky little hellion. Luck. Luck, she says.” He wipes his eyes. He's apparently crying he's laughing so hard. “Okay, was there another aspect of the mission you felt was successful beyond luck?"
I watch his dark eyes and nod warily. “I found a scientist friend of yours who told me about a self-destruct panel in the basement. It's for if the infection makes its way into the farm."
His eyes widen. “Does every farm have one?"
I nod again, feeling less frightened by him. “Yeah. I guess a lot of places have them. They still fear the infection. It got into a breeder farm not too long ago so they installed the bomb things to implode the buildings."
His eyes twinkle. He's hiding something.
"You did a good job. You're a pain in the ass, and I have no idea how to feed them all, but you did amazing. I heard that you did it all alone."
“Not even close.” I shake my head. “Leo helped tons in the building."
He tilts his head at the growling wolf in the flap of the small tent. “The wolf?"
"Yeah. And actually Will and everyone got the children and younger girls out. I only got the pregnant and newborn wards out. And honestly, that wasn't me either. Not really. That was your scientist friend who did that. A lot of women and babies didn’t make it though. Your friend died too. Honorably. He was carrying a young woman to safety."
"It's always sad when life is lost."
"It's worse when you are the reason for it.” I don’t expect he will coddle me for my mistakes. He doesn’t surprise me with any kindness.
He plays with his beard and thinks. “When can you be ready again?"
“Again?” I don’t understand. “What?"
"The closest breeder farm is many days away, but your idea with the truck ambush was pretty smart. It would work."
Panic is rising in me as I realize he wants me to go back when a deep voice speaks behind us. “She was dead on. If it hadn’t been for the infected, she would have had us in there with no problem. We could have used the truck to get women out easier too."
I don’t turn around. I am trying to pretend he doesn't exist so I will stop thinking about him.
Marshall watches my face and nods at me. “You can go clean up, kid.” I turn to leave but Will takes up the entire opening of the tent. He doesn’t move.
"Marshall, I think she should take the women to the retreat. It's far and hidden.” His huge chest is in my face and taking up all of the space in front of me.
I turn back to Marshall. He looks at me and plays with his beard more. “Are you willing to lead them? I was thinking you could head to rescue the next one, once your wounds are better—"
He's trying to tuck me in like I'm a little girl. Like I'm his responsibility. Like he speaks for me. Like I’m Star. But Marshall watches me, not him. I shake my head. “I just need a week or so to rest. I'm pretty injured and tired."
He shrugs. “Too long. I guess we could do it without you. I just don’t want to worry about the farms figuring out our ways and adding more guards and snipers."
I blurt, “I'll do it. I'll get ready to leave later tomorrow. I need some sleep though, for now."
He cheers up. “That’s my girl. Excellent. Get the medics to take a look at all those wounds."
Will doesn’t move. “Marshall, she should be staying with the women. She knows the way better than anyone."
Marshall beams at me. “It's up to her, Will. She's a big girl."
“I am a big girl and I like to be independent and make my own choices—so yes. I’ll do it.” I smile at Marshall and turn to face the huge chest in my way. I don’t look up at his face. I speak directly to his chest, “Can I just get past you?"
"No. You're bleeding again.” He takes my hand softly and pulls gently.
"She needs rest, Will,” Marshall says as I am dragged from the tent.
"Thanks, Marshall." Will leads me to the medic tents. His grip on my hand tightens, the thicker the crowd gets. I try to pull my hand away, but it only earns me a sore hand.
"Emma! Will!"
I turn to see Jake bounding to me. His run appears improved. He hurries over and pulls me right out of Will's hand, hugging me and spinning me. I pinch his skin. I don’t believe he is real. "Ouch! What the heck was that for?”
I lean in and smell him. “You're real."
He laughs. “Of course I am. Hey, Willy. Anna's here too. We came to help out in the fight!"
Will puts his arm around Jake. “Jakey. Where is she? Where is Anna?” I hate it when he calls him that. I end up in the middle of the two of them and being hugged by both.