Taking her hand, I placed it in Lily’s. I knew Brianna did much better with physical contact—preferably mine—but I needed to deal with the situation at hand, and there was no way she was coming with me.
The man’s face began to change as I neared. It had been full of shock, then curiosity, and then maybe even a little bit of hopefulness. Now a frown pulled at his mouth and his eyes became wary. I stopped a few feet away and glared at him. He took a step back, but I matched him.
“Look, I don’t want any trouble,” he said.
“You should have thought about that before you put your hands on what is mine.”
The man swallowed again, and took another step back. “I didn’t—”
“Do not lie to me.”
“Okay, okay. I . . . had a little fun with her. It was months ago. I haven’t seen her since.”
“And you will never see her again,” I said continuing to glare at him. “If I ever find out that she has so much as seen you again, I will find a way to make sure you regret ever laying eyes on her. Do we understand each other?” The man looked me over then glanced over my shoulder at Brianna. “No,” I snapped. “You look at me.”
He seemed to change his tune, acting as if he was trying to shrug it off. “Yeah, whatever. It wasn’t like she was that good anyway.”
I took another step forward, and he frowned again, but this time he continued to backpedal as quickly as he could without tripping until he finally turned around and disappeared in the crowd.
Pent-up energy was still coursing through me. I’d not felt so out of control for years. Then again, Brianna brought out feelings in me I’d never imagined. It helped knowing they’d not had sex, but I was still dealing with the knowledge Daren had played with her. By the way that man had been eyeing her, I had little doubt that he’d been one of those who’d raped her. I just didn’t know where on the abuse scale he ranked, and that didn’t comfort me much.
I closed my eyes and tried to calm down before returning to Brianna. We’d drawn some attention, but once the man left most people went back to whatever they were doing. There wasn’t going to be a show today, even though I wouldn’t have minded putting my fist against his face.
Brianna was visibly shaking by the time I got back to her side. Lily was holding her, but it wasn’t doing much. I quickly took her into my arms, letting her touch calm me as well. “Shh. He’s gone.”
Her tiny hands dug into my sides as she clung to me. Logan and Lily stood by in silence and watched as I comforted her. Thankfully, we were off to one side and out of the way of traffic. Although we got some looks, no one bothered us.
It took a long time for her to calm down, although I was glad she didn’t go catatonic on me as she had the last time. Finally, I heard her voice float up from where she’d buried her face in my chest. “He’s really gone?”
“Yes,” I whispered into her hair.
She hugged me tighter, and I returned the gesture. “Thank you,” she said.
“Anytime, sweetheart.”
I glanced up at Logan and Lily. He was holding her, too, and I wondered if maybe we should call off this shopping trip. It seemed that every time we turned around, another obstacle was thrown in her path. No wonder she was fearful of the outside world if just going to the mall could bring with it confrontations such as this.
Another five minutes passed before Logan suggested we get something to eat. It was a good suggestion. Brianna needed to eat something, and it would help me to assess how she was doing emotionally.
She stayed glued to my side when we walked up to one of the vendors to order. I didn’t bother to ask her what she wanted. I just ordered for her. When I needed to let go of her hand in order to carry the tray, she began to protest and Lily asked if she could carry it for us. I glanced over at Logan, who quickly gave his okay and nodded to Lily, handing over our food.
Lunch was quiet. Brianna picked at her food and never let go of my hand. It made eating challenging, but I was willing to make the sacrifice if it gave her what she needed. I thought back to our conversation earlier when she’d asked me to put her on a leash. I turned to Logan. “Do you know if there’s a pet store here?”
He looked at Lily. She knew this mall better than either of us. “Yes. It’s one of those fancy ones that sells outfits to dress up your dogs, and they have doggie treats that look like cookies you’d buy in a bakery.” I nodded, and went back to eating and making sure Brianna was doing the same.
When we were finished, Lily cleaned up the wrappers and took our trash to be disposed of. “How are you feeling?” I asked Brianna.
“Okay,” she said, but her voice didn’t hold any confidence.
“What number?”
“Three.”
I nodded. “Are you okay to continue shopping?”
“You’ll stay with me?”
“Of course.”
“Then, yes.”
When Lily returned to the table, we all stood and exited the food court to start our shopping. I was choosing our first stop, however. Lily’s shopping would have to wait. “Where is this pet store you were telling me about?”
Brianna
I stayed as close as possible to him as we walked through the mall to the pet store. Lily and Logan stayed behind me, almost boxing me in. It made me feel better . . . safer . . . than I had earlier, even though I knew Stephan was right and he wouldn’t let anyone harm me. He’d more than proven that when that man spotted me in the food court.
As soon as I saw him, I knew who he was. He was one of Ian’s friends, and he was one of the worst ones. His goal was to see how loud he could get me to scream, and it had nothing to do with sex. In fact, he was the only one of Ian’s friends not to have had sex with me. He was all about torture. The cigarette burns on my breasts were courtesy of him.
A shiver ran down my spine as we came to a stop inside the pet store. Lily had been right. There were outfits hanging up on tiny hangers that would fit dogs of all shapes and sizes. Bins of toys lined the middle section. The front counter held rows of dog biscuits that looked prettier than most cookies I’d eaten.
Stephan stood scanning the store for several seconds before strolling to the back wall covered with various collars. I knew why we were here. At least, I hoped I did.
He fingered several small leather collars. Some were attached to chains, some had leather leashes, and others just had a small silver ring where a leash could be attached. The collars he was looking at were much too small to fit around my neck, and I wondered if maybe I’d been wrong about why he’d wanted to come here. I continued to let my gaze roam over the collars as he scrutinized them. There were all different colors, and I found myself staring at a brown leather one that had pretty pink flowers on it. It looked more like a bracelet than a collar.
Suddenly, he picked up the collar I’d been looking at and turned it over in his hands several times. He pulled on it, twisted it, unbuckled it, and then buckled it again. “Give me your arm.” I was confused, but I did what he said.
Within a few seconds, he had the collar around my wrist and secured. He then twisted my wrist left and right, examining it.
“I like it,” Logan said. “Were you looking for a chain or leather for the leash?”
“I’m thinking leather. It would be more comfortable and draw less attention,” he said, seeming distracted. Logan selected two simple brown leather leashes from the wall and handed them to Stephan. He tested them in his hands again before he attached the first one, and then the other to my wrist. The first was slightly wider than the second was, but other than that, they looked the same to me.
Without saying another word, he placed the wider leash back on the wall, and removed the collar from my wrist. Taking my hand, he walked to the front counter. “Did you find everything you need today, sir?” the young man asked.
“Yes, thank you.”
“This is from our new designer line. I’m sure your pet will like it.”
Stephan smirked. “
I’m sure she will.”
It didn’t take long to complete the transaction. Stephan refused the man’s offer of a bag, and carried the collar and leash out in his other hand. Once we were back out in the mall, he led me over to a corner and put the collar back on my wrist. After he buckled it, he slipped a single finger inside. “How does that feel? Too tight?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. Actually, it felt nice. The leather was soft against my skin. He smiled, and lifted my arm so that he could place a soft kiss on my wrist just above the cuff before attaching the leash. Even though he wasn’t pulling, I could feel the slight tug on my wrist immediately. I was surprised at how much I liked the feeling.
His finger lifted my chin. “Number?”
I smiled. “Two.”
He grinned, and wrapped the leash around his own wrist and then his hand. The length of leash between his hand and my wrist was only about four inches. I could move, but I wasn’t going very far. It probably didn’t make sense why this made me feel safer and more tied to him than holding his hand, but it did. This felt stronger somehow.
The only thing was that I did miss the warmth of his touch. Having the leash meant he wasn’t holding my hand anymore. The leather was warm and comforting, but it wasn’t a substitute for feeling his skin. Although this did make me feel safer, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it otherwise.
Logan headed off first, with Lily close behind. Stephan and I followed. We ended up at a large department store. Everything was okay until we reached the women’s clothing section. There were people everywhere, mostly women, and everyone seemed to have an armload of clothes. When I saw how crowded it was, I was glad Stephan bought the leash and collar. I knew he’d hold onto it no matter what.
Lily asked Logan if she could shop, and once he gave his permission she was off and running. She walked up and down a few aisles before stopping and motioning for me. I glanced up at Stephan. He nodded, and we walked over to where she was. She flipped through clothes, checked tags, and held some up to herself. Others she held against me. I just stood there, not sure what else to do. It reminded me a lot of the other time Lily had taken me shopping.
Slowly, a pile began to build and soon she turned to Logan. “May I try these on, Sir?”
“Yes, but you only have ten minutes.”
She nodded, picked up the pile of clothes she’d accumulated, and walked quickly to the dressing rooms. The three of us walked at a much slower pace to stand a few feet away from the fitting room entrance to wait.
I watched as twenty-two different women passed us before Lily came out again, and I wondered if I’d ever be that brave. Even though they were women and not men, I wasn’t sure I could do it. Maybe. I knew there were separate rooms, but I’d still know I was surrounded, yet alone. The women also seemed more aggressive today. I’d watched a few bump into each other in a race to get to an open fitting room.
Lily held up five dresses for Logan’s approval. He looked at each and accepted all but one. She frowned, but didn’t argue.
When she came back from returning the unaccepted dress, however, she had three more dresses hanging over her arm. “I thought these would look good on Brianna.” She looked at Logan when she spoke, and after he nodded, she turned to Stephan. He picked up each dress one at a time. The first two he dismissed almost immediately. The third, however, he held up against me before placing it over his arm.
It took longer to check out this time since there were so many people. When it was Stephan’s turn, he released the part of the leash that he’d been holding, leaving only the end around his wrist connecting us. I felt the loss of tension, but the weight was still there. A woman standing a few feet away saw the leash dangling from Stephan’s wrist, but my arm was down at my side so she couldn’t see anything else. Even still, I stepped closer to him and he reached down to squeeze my hand before finishing the transaction.
The rest of the afternoon was spent much the same way, going from store to store. Lily ended up finding me three other outfits: two more dresses and a pants suit. They were all nice, but I preferred pants to dresses if I had a choice. Lily seemed to be just the opposite. Even today, she was wearing a nice dress and sandals.
When we finished shopping, it was after five and Stephan suggested we all went to Tony’s for pizza. I was hungry, but I wanted to get home. I needed to be close to him. He would hold me and kiss me out in public, but it wasn’t the same.
I felt bad. Lily tried to talk to me all through dinner, but I didn’t feel like contributing. Eventually, she gave up and listened to the men’s conversation. I caught bits and pieces, but I wasn’t really paying attention either. Instead, I took the opportunity to hold Stephan’s hand under the table. I’d been reluctant to reach for it, but then decided if I made the wrong choice he’d let me know. Instead, he’d eagerly laced our fingers, placing our hands on his thigh and kept them there.
By the time we arrived home, I was more than ready when he told me to get my things for what was becoming our nightly shower routine. It was hard to believe this didn’t frighten me anymore. I wanted to touch him, and I wanted him to touch me.
Stephan
By the time Monday morning arrived, I had way too many things on my mind. Saying goodbye to Brianna this morning had been difficult. It still seemed that every time we took two steps forward, there was always something there to push her back.
We talked about what had happened at the mall, and she told me who the man was. Her body trembled as she clung to me, speaking the words I needed to hear, but desperately didn’t want to. He’d been one of the worst, she’d said, the man who’d left the burns on her breasts. Ian had allowed that. Encouraged it even, from what she’d told me.
Just thinking about it had me flexing my fingers against the steering wheel. I wanted to hurt him and every other man who’d dared touch her without her permission. They had no right. She’d been an innocent seventeen-year-old girl. It just reaffirmed my desire to see Ian get his due, one way or another.
When we took our shower last night, Brianna had begged me to continue with our exploration. I’d had my doubts, but I was finding there was little I could deny her when she looked up at me with those blue eyes of hers.
I’d gone slow, taking her to near release before pushing the boundaries farther. Once again, the moment my fingers reached her opening I could see her panic rising, so I stopped. No matter how much I wanted her, I’d never hurt her like that. She’d apologized profusely, of course, even though it wasn’t her fault. I ended up drying us both off, putting her in her bed, and holding her until she fell asleep.
One thing, however, had continued to get better with our nightly showers. She no longer feared touching me to the point where she seemed almost eager when it came time to wash my body. Her hands were more liberal in their movements, and I noticed her lingering in certain areas. I was thrilled with her newfound confidence, even if it was limited.
When I pulled into my parking spot at The Coleman Foundation, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye, and immediately went on alert. Given the confrontation yesterday in the mall with one of Brianna’s abusers, Reeves actively looking for Brianna, and Karl’s recent less-than-amicable departure, I wasn’t taking anything for granted.
Out of the shadows, Ross appeared. His face was drawn, and there were bags under his eyes. It didn’t look like he’d gotten much sleep over the weekend. I hadn’t been sure how he’d end up processing the new information he’d received about Brianna. Knowing he wasn’t taking the news of her past well gave me bit of sadistic satisfaction. After having to deal with his blatant immaturity these past months, he was getting a dose of hard reality. Maybe now he wouldn’t be so quick to judge.
I took my time getting out of my car. The wait would do him good. He shifted his weight anxiously as I picked up my briefcase and stepped toward him. “What was it I told you about showing up unannounced?”
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said, ignoring my question.
“Yes,” he said. “But . . . maybe your office would be better.”
I nodded and began walking toward the elevator, knowing he’d follow me.
Jamie greeted us as we stepped off the elevator. “Good morning, Mr. Coleman.”
“Good morning, Jamie. How was your weekend?”
“Too short, sir,” she said, handing me a stack of mail.
“It always is,” I said, absently flipping through the letters. There didn’t seem to be anything important. “Hold my calls for the next hour, and I’m not to be disturbed.”
Once inside my office, Ross couldn’t seem to sit still. I sat watching him for several minutes before asking, “Are you going to say whatever it is that’s on your mind in the near future, or were you planning to take up my entire day?”
He stopped his pacing. “John—Brianna’s father—is here. In Minneapolis.”
I sat up straighter in my seat, but kept my expression blank. This was a new development. “How do you know this?”
“He came to see me. I didn’t tell him anything,” he assured me. “But he asked me if I knew you.”
“He asked about me by name?”
Ross nodded. “He had that picture of you and Brianna from the hospital gala a few weeks ago. He wanted to know if I knew who you were.”
“And what did you tell him?”
Ross walked forward and collapsed in the chair directly across from me. “I couldn’t lie, so I told him I did, but not well.” He glanced down at the floor before looking up to meet my gaze. “He’s going to find her. Even if I don’t say anything, he’s going to find her.”
“I know.”
“You know? That’s all you have to say?” he said, getting agitated. “I still can’t believe he would do that. I can’t believe he would . . . but if you’re right . . .” I wasn’t sure he was still talking to me anymore as his voice took on a faraway quality. After a few minutes, he stilled, but a look somewhere between defeat and confusion settled on his face.
Need (Finding Anna) Page 21