by Edward Lang
He must eat a lot of them.
“And so they sent you up here to slay me, is that it?”
“Well, it wasn’t to play checkers.”
“I have no idea what ‘checkers’ is, but I shall assume it is one of your human games.”
“Well, don’t beat yourself up – they might not even have it here.”
“Wait – are you one of the RETURNED, by any chance?”
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head.
How could he have known that?!
Unless he’d just deduced it from what I’d said about people not having checkers here –
In which case I was dealing with a Sherlock-Holmes-level motherfucker.
I could just imagine him as Benedict Cumberbatch, looking me over for clues.
Which was fitting, since Benedict Cumberbatch had also played the voice of Smaug, the dragon in The Hobbit.
If he really was that smart, though, I needed to be careful.
In fact, all this chatting might just be an effort to distract me…
I could hear him creeping around the plateau on my left. He was getting a bit too close for comfort – and I was newly paranoid after his crazy deductions – so I bolted to the far right side of the plateau, behind another boulder.
Right next to me lay another skeleton in black armor, its visor open. There was a single hole in its forehead, exactly the size of one of those vicious claws.
“I hear you moving, human, but I do not hear you answering my question. Are you one of the Returned?”
“That’s what they tell me.”
“Interesting… how much have you discovered about why you are here?”
Now my curiosity was piqued.
Although maybe that was exactly why he’d said it.
“Not much.”
“Pity… I’ve heard so much during my long, long life… perhaps you and I could strike a bargain.”
“What kind of a bargain?”
“I tell you what I know… and you agree to go back to the harpies with your mission unfulfilled.”
“That would have to be some pretty great information.”
“Oh, it IS. Fascinating stuff.”
“Maybe we could work something out, if you promised not to eat any of their eggs again.”
“Well, of COURSE I won’t bother their eggs again, if only you will let me live.”
Parch suddenly appeared in the air in front of me.
Scott, I would STRONGLY advise NOT
striking a bargain with Krom Varak.
Though there are a few dragons renowned
for honesty and uprightness in their dealings
with other races, the vast majority of them
are cunning – and lie for the sake of lying.
They are sociopaths by nature.
Greeaaat.
A big, ugly, sociopathic dragon.
Just what I needed today.
When I didn’t answer right away, Krom intuited something was wrong.
“Of course… perhaps you don’t BELIEVE me.”
I decided not to lay all my cards on the table at once. “I think we can work something out.”
“Why don’t you come out where we can see each other? I find that eye contact creates trust SO much more effectively.”
“Eh, I think I’ll stay where I am.”
“But that’s the point – you DON’T stay where you are. You move and flit about. You know, remaining HIDDEN makes you seem rather unTRUSTworthy.”
I grinned.
The balls on this guy…
“If you’re worried about ME hurting YOU – well, that’s rich, seeing as you came here to kill ME. But I’ll stay on my side of the mountain, and you can stay on yours, far, far away from any possible attack.”
“I’d rather not give you a clear line of sight, thanks.”
“Why? Do you think that I might breathe fire on you?”
“That HAD occurred to me.”
“Alas, I cannot breathe fire. Some of my cousins can, but I cannot. So you are safe.”
Huh –
“Parch?” I whispered. “Is that true?”
The ability to breathe fire DOES vary
across sub-species of dragons,
so he may well be telling the truth…
But I strongly advise you to remember
that even though he may be telling the truth
about this one thing, he is almost
CERTAINLY lying about something else.
Krom started talking again.
“Your reticence to agree to a truce leads me to believe you’ve gotten some advice suggesting you do otherwise. You ARE one of the Returned, after all… do you have a little friend whispering counsel in your ear, hm? Someone no one else can see or hear? Perhaps even now, during your bouts of silence?”
My eyes bugged out again.
Holy shit – he knew about Parch!
Or, if not Parch in particular, the fact that Parch-like beings existed.
And he’d reasoned it all out again just from what I’d said –
Or rather, what I HADN’T said.
Sherlock/Cumberbatch style.
If he had wanted to impress me, he’d succeeded –
And he probably knew it.
“So you DO know a lot about the Returned,” I acknowledged.
“I do, I do – SO, so much. And all my knowledge can be yours.”
There was one thing Krom had said, though, that conflicted slightly with what Parch had told me when I’d first met my mystical parchment.
“I thought all adventurers got quest notices, though.”
“So your familiar is a quest notice, eh?”
…familiar?
As far as I knew, a familiar was a spirit that hung around a witch in the guise of an animal, like a cat or a toad or a –
SHIT.
I suddenly realized that I’d given Krom more information than I’d meant to.
Information he could be using to get inside my head and manipulate me.
It was like visiting a malevolent psychic/con artist who was combing over your appearance for clues, all to pry more money out of your wallet.
“You are quite correct, all adventurers receive quest notices – but not all adventurers are Returned, are they? Not only that, but adventurers get quest notices ONCE. Their quest notices do not continue to follow them around, as I would wager yours does. Not only that, but the companion of a Returned is not usually a quest notice. Most are quite different.”
“Different how?”
“Ohhhh, that’s privileged information, reserved only for my friends. Ready to strike that deal yet?”
I looked down at the paladin skeleton with the third nostril in his forehead. “Did these other guys try to strike a deal?”
“No, they REFUSED to strike a deal. Not to mention they came here to KILL me.”
“So did I.”
“Finally admitting it aloud, are we?”
“You’re way too smart for me to bullshit you.”
“My thanks for the compliment. I’m fairly blushing. As for the other unfortunate souls you see around you, perhaps you should learn and profit from their examples. But you haven’t told me why you need the harpies’ help.”
I hesitated, weighing the wisdom of telling him more, then decided it couldn’t hurt.
“There’s a female necromancer who’s taken over the Grim Keep. She enslaved my friends, and I need the harpies’ help to defeat her.”
“You have liches for friends?”
At least I knew that wasn’t that big of a deductive leap. Raptora had made it, after all.
“I do.”
“And you journey with a lamia, a dryad, an arachne, and a centauress… odd traveling companions for a human…”
When he’d first mentioned the girls while he was rhyming, it had astounded me.
“Your sense of smell is really that powerful, huh?”
“It is. I can discern traces of them on the
air, but I cannot see them… where ARE they, pray tell?”
“I sent them back down the mountain,” I lied.
I was pretty sure he could tell I was lying because of the way he chuckled when he answered. “Is that so. You know, I can smell them on YOU, as well… are you a Sex Mage, by any chance?”
Holy SHIT.
This was getting freaky.
Maybe he heard me gasp, or maybe he just inferred it from my silence, but he followed up with, “You are! How droll. It has been many a decade since I encountered my last Sex Mage. Tell me, did you gain certain… ‘abilities’ when you coupled with them?”
It was no use trying to pretend I was Mr. Calm and Collected anymore.
“How did you know that?” I demanded.
“As I told you, I know a great deal. We could be mutually beneficial to one another.”
Parch reappeared.
Scott, I must warn you again –
Any information he has,
he is deploying in an effort
to manipulate you!
Krom didn’t miss a beat.
“No doubt your little friend is whispering in your ear that I’m not to be trusted. But can he tell you the various powers you will receive when you couple with new races?”
“…no,” I admitted.
“I thought not. Would you LIKE to know? So perhaps you could seek out the women that might provide you with the most beneficial powers?”
I narrowed my eyes in distrust. “How do I know you’d be telling the truth?”
“Let me demonstrate. You have a dryad in your retinue… did you achieve the ability to heal yourself?”
Dryad’s Gift…
He nailed it…
“I shall take your silence as confirmation. And a lamia… did you gain the ability to cast one of their magical attacks, the ones that sparkle and pop bright green?”
It’s fair to say I was pretty fucking astounded.
“You see, I know a great deal. Perhaps you are more willing to strike that deal now? But before we begin our negotiations, I would like to know more about YOU – so that I can help you more readily. Why do you couple with all these different females? Is it merely to gain their powers?”
“No… I just really like monster girls.”
The dragon burst out into uproarious laughter.
“Monster girls! What a delightful term! I LOVE it. So, are you sexually attracted to them?”
“What?” I asked, taken aback.
“I said, do you enjoy copulating with them for the sake of physical pleasure alone?”
“This is a really fuckin’ weird conversation,” I called out from behind my boulder.
“Or is it a really weird conversation about fucking, hmmm?” the dragon said with gleeful malice. “If you enjoy dallying with them, fine – I can tell you which are most highly regarded for their erotic ‘talents.’ But if it is power you seek, coitus with monster girls is only ONE way to gain it. There are others.”
“Like what?”
The dragon ignored my question. “Why do you need to rescue the liches?”
“I asked you a question,” I snapped.
“And I asked one of you.”
I could hear the subtle delight in his voice, and I felt a sinking sensation in my gut.
I’d been too eager to find out what he knew. By chasing after him, I’d handed him the psychological upper hand… and we both knew it.
“I’m waiting. Why do you need to rescue the liches?”
“I told you, they’re my friends.”
“How many of them are there?”
“Three hundred.”
“My – that’s a great many friends you have. To be close to them, you must have spent years with them, hmmm?”
I didn’t answer.
“In my experience, very few humans will risk their lives for strangers. For money and glory and power, yes, but not strangers. Other than trained soldiers, humans generally only imperil themselves for family members… close friends… and loved ones. We already know your tastes are exotic, in that they extend to other species. Do they also run to your own kind… only on the other side of the great divide between life and death?”
Shit.
He knew.
“One of them is – well, she’s my girlfriend,” I admitted.
“My, my, my – not content with a lamia, arachne, dryad, AND a centaur, hm? You have quite the appetite.
“How unfortunate to have a lich as a beloved, then stumble into the clutches of a necromanceress. Funny, I had not heard of one in this region as of late. Perhaps she arrived since my last… ‘visitor.’”
I looked over at the paladin’s skeleton.
I knew exactly which ‘visitors’ he was talking about.
“Is the necromanceress part of the Imperium, by any chance?”
My eyes bugged out again.
“So she is. You know, you really should work on camouflaging your silences – they reveal SO much. But why on earth would you tempt the fates and anger the Imperium? Hmmm… unless… knowing that you love monster girls… perhaps you learned along the way that the Dark Immortal sacrifices them…”
“You know about that?!”
“I told you, your activities as a Sex Mage are not the only way to accumulate power. The Dark Immortal’s rituals are another. Yes… yesssss… that’s it, isn’t it? You have a harem of lovers, an army of liches in tow, and you were planning something… what, exactly?”
“We’re going to take down the Imperium.”
The mountaintop echoed with rumbling laughter again.
“I must say, despite my having lived for more than two centuries, you’ve provided a new first for me today. A Sex Mage… who likes monster girls… and who seeks to destroy the Imperium itself… well, that’s quite a novelty.”
“Glad I could entertain you,” I said, annoyed by the condescension in his voice.
“So am I. And for that, I would like to give you one more piece of information as a gift, before we strike our bargain. Did you know that the Dark Immortal is one of the Returned, as well?”
I almost whirled around the boulder just so I could look at the dragon, I was so shocked.
He knew the reaction he’d provoked in me, and it delighted him.
“It’s true, you know. I could tell you more… I could tell you how to defeat him. I alone know his weakness.”
Suddenly I detected a false note creep into the dragon’s words. Like he had exaggerated just a bit too much out of overconfidence.
“You alone, huh?” I asked sardonically.
“Well, perhaps not I ALONE… but I am the only one who would be willing to bargain for the information. The only one you’ve MET, at least, or are likely to meet.”
He had me there.
“I could tell you everything I have heard and seen over 200 years… everything you need to know in order to defeat this necromanceress, and the Dark Immortal after her. The kingdoms of the world will fall at your feet. All you have to do is come out face-to-face where we can see each other, so I know I can trust you as we strike our bargain. I will stay on this side, and you on yours. There is no way I can attack you. You are completely safe…”
I glanced down at the paladin staring up at me with empty sockets.
Had Krom told him the same thing? That he was completely safe?
Or had he come up here to kill the dragon, and the beast had just been defending itself?
What if Krom was telling the truth, and he knew how to kill the Dark Immortal?
Wouldn’t it be worth sacrificing an alliance with the harpies for that information?
But… could I trust him?
A creature that ate a species’ eggs and gloated about it?
I mean, yeah, I ate eggs, but I didn’t go find a bunch of chickens and wave it in their faces.
Not only that, but Parch had told me dragons were sociopaths.
Which meant that they lied…
Toyed with others…
>
Manipulated people for fun…
And tried to gain power over them.
And what better way to get power over someone than by using their weaknesses against them… like the desire to save their loved ones.
But what might I potentially be throwing away?
I could attack Krom and still die. There were no guarantees any of this was going to go my way.
But if I just trusted him and struck a bargain…
It might be the thing that helped me bring down the Dark Immortal.
I stared at the skeletal paladin and wished he could tell me what to do.
And then… he sort of did.
I noticed a scratch in his black armor. The thin line winked in the sun.
I frowned. It didn’t really look like a scratch, but how else could black armor be reflecting light so brightly?
“Really, Sex Mage, you drive quite the hard bargain… tell me, is there anything else that could assuage your doubts, calm your fears?”
I knelt down in the pebbles and grit, reached out, and touched the scratch.
That was when I realized the armor wasn’t made of black metal.
It was scorched black by fire.
I pressed hard and wiped away soot, revealing shiny steel armor beneath.
Words from both Krom and Parch flooded my mind all at once.
Alas, I cannot breathe fire. Some of my cousins can, but I cannot.
Even though he may be telling the truth about this one thing, he is almost CERTAINLY lying about something else.
I have to find SOME way to amuse myself… your kind are so pathetically easy to kill.
I have to find SOME way to amuse myself…
Amuse myself…
Amuse…
Then I remembered a line from Silence of the Lambs – the novel, not the movie.
Crawford has just told Clarice Starling how Lecter escaped the prison in Tennessee, by cutting off the face of one of his guards and using it as a mask. Not only that, Crawford conjectures that Lecter called the ambulances before he fired the shots that brought all the cops running, because he didn’t want to lie around and wait too long for them to find him.
“Dr. Lecter,” Crawford snarls, “likes his fun.”
As I stared down at the skeleton with the hole in his forehead, I wondered how many of his fellow paladins up here had provided Krom with ‘fun’…